No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  Matthew paused to let Katy speak but she continued to breathe in the gas as though her life depended on it.

  “So you see it could all be for the best, honestly. Alison gets the kids which are all she really wants and we get to be together again, just as we should be. What do you say? Are you able to speak now? Has the pain gone?”

  Also at 8.40am

  “Don’t you dare not bring him here Braindead,” Daniel shouted down his phone as he paced up and down outside the main entrance to the hospital. “I don’t care what he’s saying, he’s come this far and now he has to go and see that baby born. There is no way I’m going back in that room. There is way too much female nudity and intimate interaction going on for my liking.”

  “No I will not give you more details or take pictures. Just tell him to get some damn fucking balls will you and stop being so pathetic. Look I’ll make it worth your while if you just get him to the hospital door,” Daniel bellowed. “What do you want? Tell me, anything. Just get him here.”

  “Yes I do have friends who are models, very good friends actually.”

  “You want a date with a model? I’m not sure I could do that to a friend,” he continued.

  “Yes I know I said anything but I can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do can I?”

  “OK, OK, I’ll see what I can do. But date doesn’t mean sex Braindead, do you understand?”

  “Yes, I guess on some far off planet she might fancy you but I’m just telling you that I am not a pimp. Date means dinner. That’s it OK?”

  “Yes of course you will have to pay for dinner.

  “Right. Enough. If you tell me you have told the taxi driver to come here I’ll throw in dinner as well.”

  Daniel terminated the call and sank down on a bench. He noticed that a female nurse in her fifties was sitting at the other end staring at him.

  “It’s a very long story,” he smiled through clenched teeth. “I am just the fairy godmother trying to bring two young people together.”

  “Oh really,” said the nurse. “Your methods sound pretty unusual.”

  “Well in these modern times we fairy godmothers have to do what we have to do. Ah, thank the Lord, here is our young prince charming arriving now with his idiot sidekick.”

  Daniel leapt up and opened the door of the cab before it had even stopped.

  “Ben, you are a sight for sore eyes. But you look terrible, which won’t do.”

  “Get off will you,” Ben said to Daniel who was attempting to straighten his crumpled shirt and comb his hair with his fingers.

  “Right, are you ready to face the enemy, it’s this way,” said Daniel, already pulling at Ben’s arm.

  “Hang on, hang on. I’m not even sure what I’m going to say yet. Can you just give us a minute?” said Ben, slumping down on the bench where Daniel had been sitting.

  “For crying out loud I thought you were going to talk to him,” said Daniel, losing his patience and turning to Braindead.

  “You didn’t say anything about that. You just said get him here and I have haven’t I? Have you called your model mates yet?”

  “No I bloody well haven’t and I won’t unless you help me get him through that labour ward door.”

  “That is so unfair. You said to the hospital door and here he is. Now where is my date?”

  Daniel closed his eyes and asked some kind of God for some kind of strength.

  He opened his eyes and fell to his knees in front of Ben.

  “Ben. The baby is nearly here. She’s very close now. Just go and be with her. Be with her and see the baby born,” he said gently.

  “Yeah, listen to him mate. Don’t let that other bastard get his greedy mitts on the kid before you do. You get in there, fight for what’s yours,” chipped in Braindead, looking for an approving look from Daniel. When he didn’t get one he tried again.

  “Look the other guy sounds like a twat. Just go in there and deck him. That’ll get rid of him. Women love a guy who can stand up for himself you know. Show her who’s boss and all that,” said Braindead.

  The nurse still sitting at the end of the bench sniggered.

  “Hey, we are having a very important private conversation here,” said Braindead, turning to the nurse.

  “I’m sorry but I couldn’t help but overhear,” said the nurse. “May I try,” she said. “You know, give the woman’s perspective.”

  “I really don’t think you understand. This is man’s talk. You have no idea what this poor lad is going through,” said Braindead.

  “I’ve worked in this hospital for twenty five years and I’ve seen it all, believe me,” replied the nurse.

  “Well I guarantee you ain’t seen a case like this. A right fuckin’ mess it is.”

  “Braindead I don’t think that’s helping, is it?” said Daniel, nodding towards Ben who now had his head in his hands.

  The nurse edged along the bench closer to Ben and laid her hand on his back.

  “So, let’s see. There is a woman in there who is having a baby that could be yours but also could be someone else’s and at the moment he’s the one inside,” said the nurse.

  “What the…” exclaimed Braindead.

  Daniel looked gratefully towards heaven.

  Ben slowly raised his head and nodded at the nurse.

  “And it’s really complicated right? The other guy, he’s married and they are expecting twins.” continued the nurse.

  “Fuckin’ spiders is she real?” said Braindead. Daniel motioned for him to keep quiet.

  Ben nodded mutely again.

  The nurse also nodded and paused for a long time before she continued. The three men held their breath.

  “So let’s make this simple then shall we?” she finally said.

  All three men nodded simultaneously.

  “There is only one really important question that you need to answer and then you will know exactly what to do,” said the nurse.

  “Oh yes. Tell us what it is? Please tell us what it is?” begged Daniel before Braindead and Ben told him to be quiet.

  “Do you love her?”

  “Damn, of course,” said Daniel, jumping up. “The only question there is. How could I have forgotten that? Stupid, stupid, stupid. You are a genius,” he said, kissing the nurse full on the lips.

  “Alright, just calm down will you. He hasn’t answered yet,” said the nurse.

  “Of course he does. Now come on let’s go, there is no time to lose,” said Daniel, pulling on Ben’s sleeve.

  “Just hang on you,” said Braindead, pulling Daniel’s arm away from Ben. “Let the lad answer it first. Like the lady says this is important. He has to answer.”

  “Thank you,” said the nurse, glaring at Daniel.

  “So,” said Braindead. “Do you love her? You can tell your mate Braindead. I won’t laugh or anything, or tell the lads.”

  Ben leaned back on the bench and raised his hands to cover his face. All three of his audience watched in silence as he took several deep breaths. No-one dared speak. Then gradually he pulled his hands away and almost imperceptibly his head started to move. The direction was unclear to start with until finally it developed into a fully-fledged nod and the glimmer of a smile formed on his face.

  “Halle – fuckin – luya,” said Braindead.

  “Praise be the lord,” said Daniel, throwing his arms up to the sky before embracing the nurse again.

  “I have no idea where you are from and quite frankly I am not sure I want to know but you are truly an angel of mercy and God certainly moves in mysterious ways,” he said to her.

  “Special powers you know,” she said. “That and happening to be examining Katy when the other guy arrived. Come on, we’re not done yet.” She turned to Ben again and took his hands in hers.

  “That’s wonderful. You have found a woman you love. Is that right?”

  “Yes,” he replied. “Yes I have.”

  “So now that you’ve found her, are you going to le
t her go without a fight? Are you the type of man who just stands and watches while other people decide your fate? While other people make your decisions for you. Is that who you are?’

  “No he fuckin’ isn’t,” said Braindead. “Come on mate, it’s time to sort things out I reckon, don’t you?”

  Ben stared at Braindead then rose to his feet.

  “You and you,” he said, pointing at Daniel and Braindead. “You stay here until I say otherwise. Got it?”

  “Oh yes,” they both said.

  “And you,” he said to the nurse. “Thanks.”

  “My pleasure,” she beamed.

  He started up the steps into the hospital before turning around. “One last thing,” he said. “What do I say?”

  “Say what you feel mate, say what you feel,” said Braindead.

  “I was asking her not you,” Ben said. “What do you think I should say?” he asked the nurse.

  “Say what you feel, like the man says,” she replied.

  Ben nodded then disappeared through the hospital doors.

  Chapter 23

  9.05am

  Ben felt like Forrest Gump. He’d been running forever down endless hospital corridors searching desperately for Katy. Finally he found someone who could make sense of his exhausted babble and he was shown the door behind which his future lay.

  He launched himself into the room, not caring that he looked a shocking mess. He was still fighting a hangover and had not had a shave or a shower for two days. His chin was alive with bright ginger stubble. It was the only part of him that had any vibrancy. His skin was grey, his shirt and jacket rumpled and his trousers saggy. In contrast Matthew looked razor-sharp in a navy single breasted suit with brilliant white shirt and golf club tie. When Ben entered the room he immediately placed a protective arm around Katy’s shoulders. She had still not let go of the gas mask which was acting as a very effective shield from the reality she was facing.

  “Well look what the cat dragged in,” said Matthew. “Looks and smells like you’ve been out all night drinking. Well you can go back to your mates and go and get well and truly drunk because we have it all in hand here, don’t we Katy?”

  Katy was paralysed, not knowing what to do. She thought Ben looked exhausted and wondered why he was there.

  “You see I’m going to look after her, seeing as you are quite clearly not up to the job. Don’t ask me how. That is between me and Katy but you have no need to feel any responsibility. You are free to go and live your life just like you wanted,” said Matthew. He looked down at Katy and rubbed her shoulders before turning back to Ben. “Now Katy is very close to giving birth so I suggest you leave and let her get on with it,” he said firmly.

  Ben did not move. He hadn’t even looked at Matthew so far, just at Katy. He scrutinised her face looking for some kind of clue, some kind of encouragement but could not decipher what was going on behind the mask.

  Finally he took a deep breath and reached into his trouser pocket and very slowly pulled something out.

  It was a black, rather limp banana.

  He held it tentatively towards Katy without moving from his spot just inside the door.

  “I got you this. Do you want it? In the class they said it might help,” he said.

  Matthew looked at the banana confused.

  Katy stared and blinked a lot before she finally pulled the mask off her face.

  “A banana,” exploded Matthew. “A fucking banana. Are you serious? You bring her a banana now. It’s love and stability and security she needs not a fucking banana. Christ you really are an absolute idiot. A fucking banana. Unbelievable.” Katy opened her mouth to speak but was brought to an abrupt halt by the onset of another contraction.

  “Now look what you’ve done,” said Matthew, glaring at Ben. “Easy now Katy, easy. The book says to just breathe through it.”

  “The book says?” said Ben approaching the bed. “She doesn’t want to know what some tosspot books says. Go on let it out Katy. Have a good scream.”

  “No Katy. Don’t listen to him. Screams waste your energy. Just breathe through it. Look, follow this diagram here,” said Matthew as he pushed the book under her nose and pointed frantically at the page.”

  Katy let out the biggest wail so far.

  Ben was stunned. Shocked that Katy was capable of such a noise.

  Matthew flicked rapidly through his book looking desperately for some kind of inspiration.

  For the second time that morning Katy’s hand shot out and knocked the book across the room. With superhuman effort and with a contraction in full flight she raised the hand that wasn’t clutching desperately at the mask and slowly and deliberately took the banana out of Ben’s hand.

  Matthew looked between Ben and Katy in complete bewilderment.

  “You can’t be serious Katy? Come on think about it. You can’t rely on him for anything. He’ll be gone tomorrow when he realises the extent of the responsibility required and then where will you be? Come on Katy. You need to do the right thing here.”

  Katy put the banana beside her and reached over to take Ben’s hand. Ben raised it to his lips before turning to Matthew.

  “Responsibility you say,” said Ben quietly. “You’re right. It’s very important. So let’s all just be responsible for a minute shall we. How about you start by going and finding Alison, your wife, who is about to have twins. That would be responsible wouldn’t it? Then, when you’ve left the room to be all responsible, I will do the right thing by asking Katy to marry me.” Ben looked down and addressed Katy. “You can turn me down obviously, but if you’ll have me, I think we should go for it.”

  Katy nodded vigorously before letting out another gigantic scream.

  “Married? Hello? She hasn’t got a clue what she is doing. You cannot marry Katy. I will not allow you to take advantage of her like this.”

  Ben looked exhausted as he considered his next move.

  “Permission to stick this right up his ass?” Ben finally asked Katy, picking up the banana.

  She let go of the mask and nodded, letting a smile and the tears engulf her before another contraction took over.

  “Well I think that says it all doesn’t it? You had better leave unless you want me to carry out the lady’s wishes,” said Ben, still brandishing the banana.

  Katy screwed up her face in pain and grabbed Ben’s hand in a superhuman grip. Matthew was making no move to go anywhere. Ben knew he needed to act quickly.

  “I’m really sorry,” he said to Matthew before he pulled back his free hand and gave Matthew a hard hitting jab across the chin. Matthew reeled backwards and fell heavily to the floor, knocked out cold.

  Ben looked surprised at his success before looking nervously at Katy. “Forgive me,” he said. “He left me with no choice. Does it really hurt? Here, grip my leg,” he said squeezing onto the bed beside her.

  As Katy got to grips with his thigh, Ben leaned over to press the emergency call button.

  Almost instantly the door flew open and in fell Nurse Brady, Daniel and Braindead who had been listening from the corridor.

  “What’s happening, what’s happening? Oh my God I can’t bear it,” burst out Daniel. “Tell me now? Is it all over? Please tell me it’s all over?”

  “Come on my son. It’s a result,” roared Braindead when he saw Matthew out cold on the floor and Ben with his arm around a still contracting Katy.

  “Jesus Katy, I didn’t recognise you. You look awful,” Braindead continued.

  Katy growled loudly making Braindead cower in horror.

  “No need for that,” he said. “You just don’t look yourself that’s all.”

  “Look,” said Ben, looking dazed but happy. “Thanks for everything guys but I think Katy needs to get on with giving birth now. So if you’ll excuse us. Oh, and can you make sure he gets back to Alison,” he said, nodding at Matthew.

  Suddenly two men burst in with a bed on wheels.

  “Get him out of here will you,” sai
d Nurse Brady pointing at Matthew. “One of you had better stay with him until he comes round so he knows what’s happened,” she said to Daniel and Braindead.

  “Bugger that,” said Braindead straight away. “Time for a bacon buttie and a little chat with my new mate Daniel here. We still have some unfinished business haven’t we? Few calls to make, know what I mean.”

  “Look you go and get something to eat and I’ll deal with Matthew,” said Daniel.

  “What for? You don’t owe him anything,” replied Braindead.

  “Well one of us had better make sure he doesn’t try and come back. You leave it to me. I’ll come and find you later I promise.”

  “Well, if you must. Don’t you go forgetting our deal though eh? I don’t stay up all night for just anyone you know.”

  “I’ll be in touch, promise,” shouted Daniel over his shoulder as he raced after Matthew.

  “Well I guess my work is done,” said Braindead, taking one last satisfied glance at Ben, now looking very pale as he tried to console Katy through her contraction.

  “No need to thank me guys. I’ll be off unless I can do anything else.”

  Katy growled again and Braindead vanished.

  Chapter 24

  Daniel felt like he had trudged down a million miles of corridor looking for Matthew. The multiple shades of standard hospital grey paint he had experienced were starting to unsettle him. However he still had a smug smile on his face. He wondered how Katy was ever going to repay him for such heroic, such ingenious, and such dedicated efforts to secure her happiness. Maybe that watch he had been coveting would be a suitable reward for such a display of friendship. Perhaps he would invite her shopping and he could drop some subtle hints like, “Katy. See this watch. You owe me.”

  Eventually he found Matthew slumped on a chair in a corridor crying his eyes out. Daniel sat down and patiently waited for the sobs to subside.

  “Fuck off,” were Matthew’s first words when he realised that Daniel was sitting next to him. “Will you just fuck off.”

  “I’m only here to make sure you’re alright.”

  “Why the fuck would I need you to make sure I’m alright. What do you care?” said Matthew.