by A. D. Ellis
Would she forgive him? Could she? Should he even hope for that?
“What if she doesn’t want me here?” He voiced the fear which was pounding through his head. His heart thudded in his chest. If she turned him away, he didn’t know what he’d do. More drugs? That’s what he wanted. Right then and there, as Jay was having their baby, he wanted a damn fucking pill so badly he could barely think straight. Just one would take the edge off, ease the pain, calm his thundering heart. He reached for the pill bottle in his pocket, gut sinking when he realized it wasn’t there.
“I don’t know if I can do this.” He felt wild with anxiety, his breaths coming too quickly. “What if she doesn’t want me here?” He asked again to no one in particular as they rounded the corner into the waiting room.
His mom and dad jumped from their seats, pulling him into their arms.
“Oh, baby boy, what happened?” Audrey patted his face, tears in her eyes. “Never mind that right now, Jay is waiting for you. She’s been asking and asking. Go on.” She nodded toward the nurse who waited to take him into the delivery room.
“Sir, are you okay?” The nurse eyed his pale skin, shaking hands, and heavy breathing.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Just nervous I guess.” He tried to smile, but knew he looked like exactly what he was, a strung out junkie.
Just one pill, one pill would help me out so much. I can’t be by Jay’s side like this.
It appeared like he would have no choice. The nurse pulled the door open and led him into a dimly lit room. Jay looked tiny and fragile laying on the bed. An IV ran from her arm to a bag of liquid suspended high above her head. A light beeping filled the room, and the rhythmic beating of what he assumed was the baby’s heart made up the background noise. At the sound of the door, Jay’s head turned.
Her face broke into a smile only seconds before she broke down into sobs.
He crossed the room in two strides, ignoring the throbbing in his head and the fire in his neck and shoulder. Dropping onto the bed, he reached for her. Holding her tight, he barely remembered to breathe. The only thing that mattered at that moment was holding Jay in his arms.
“Kendrick, I was so fucking scared. Scared you wouldn’t be here for this, scared you wouldn’t be here at all. Ever again.” She sobbed into his chest.
“I know, Pixie, and I’m so damn sorry. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.” He tipped her face up to his, kissing her lightly. “I love you so much. So damn much it hurts. Right in here.” He guided her hand to his chest.
She rested her head against his chest. “I love you too.”
He glanced around at all that surrounded them in the room. “What’s going on, is the baby coming?”
“Yes. They gave me an epidural to ease the pain. I begged them to wait a little bit before they broke my water. I wanted to give you time to get here. They agreed as long as the baby was tolerating the contractions well, and she is.”
“She? Do you know something?” He looked at her curiously.
“No, just used to you calling it she.”
At that moment, the door opened and a nurse entered. “Okay, now that Daddy’s here, let’s get the baby delivered.”
The next two hours went by in a blur of activity. The nurse broke Jay’s water and examined her cervix several times. Once the nurse deemed her ready, Jay started pushing while Kendrick held her hand and did his best to watch without passing out. One last hard push and Jay collapsed back onto the bed as a cry pierced the air. His daughter’s cry. Kendrick watched in horrified fascination as the doctor handed him the scissors to cut the cord. A second later, their beautiful, clumpy, messy, beautiful daughter was placed upon Jay’s chest. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he wiped tears away from Jay’s face before they dripped upon the baby’s tiny nose. Leaning in, Kendrick and Jay placed several breathless kisses on the baby’s head before the nurse gently took her away to get cleaned up.
Kissing Jay firmly on the lips, Kendrick walked in a daze over to where the nurses were fussing over the baby girl. Suctioned, wiped down, weighed and measured, the baby was promptly wrapped up from head to toe and delivered to his waiting arms. He stared down at her tiny puckered mouth, button nose, and dark gunky eyes. He needed to sit down. No pill on earth could provide the high he felt at that moment.
Sitting on the rolling stool, he scooted across the floor. The doctor was finishing up with Jay, but her attention was directed only on Kendrick and their baby.
“She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Kendrick’s voice cracked in emotional awe as he continued to stare at his daughter. Leaning in to kiss her, he whispered reverently to Jay, “Thank you, thank you for loving me, sticking by me, and giving me this beautiful gift. I love you so very much, Pixie.”
Several things happened all at once. The door swung open, allowing almost every member of his family to enter the tiny room. The nurses looked at each other, then at the doctor, and they gave the family a stern look. “You’ve got fifteen minutes.”
Jay pulled Kendrick close, nuzzling his cheek. “I know you love me. And I love you too. So very much. And that’s why this is so damn hard.” She sobbed against him, “Please, never forget that I love you. We all love you.”
When he turned to look at his family, dread settled upon him.
“What’s going on?” He knew the answer even before Dr. Parks entered the room, but he clung to the baby in his arms as if he could avoid the answer if he just never let her go.
“Kendrick, you know what you need to do.” Kyle spoke tearfully.
Dr. Parks caught his eye and nodded an encouraging, supportive smile his way.
“So you’re all here to gang up on me and take me away from my daughter?” Anger rose in his voice.
“Kendrick, you have to get better so you can be a father to that gorgeous baby girl.” Katie spoke softly, flinching when Kendrick cursed loudly.
“What if I won’t go?” Kendrick challenged.
Decker stepped forward with Zach, Sawyer, and Luke flanking him, Jeremiah and Nate behind him. Tears streamed down Decker’s face. “Damn it, Kendrick, don’t make me do it. If you don’t go with Dr. Parks, I’ll have no choice but to remove you from your position at The Center+.” Decker’s voice shook as he whispered, “Please, Kendrick, please don’t make me do it. Go with Dr. Parks, get better, and come back to live a long, healthy, happy life. Please.”
Libby stepped forward and took the baby from Kendrick’s arms, soothing him with a slight whisper, “It’s okay, Kendrick. We’ll take care of Jay and the baby. Do this for them, for you, for your family’s future.”
He gazed helplessly around the room, his eyes landing on each and every family member standing there. He saw fear, sadness, and uncertainty, but he also saw determination, hope, and love. When his eyes landed on his mom, she broke down. He pulled her into his arms.
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I screwed up. Bad.”
“Oh, baby boy, we all make mistakes. You and I just seem to make them bigger and better than others.” She sniffled a laugh, hugging him closer to her. “Please know I didn’t want to do this to you. I remember the pain and feeling double-crossed when your family presents you with an impossible decision. Don’t fight it, baby. Just do it. Do it for you, for Jay, for my granddaughter. And never, ever think that this is being done out of anything but love. We all want so badly for you to be healthy and happy.”
Kendrick backed away from his mom, glancing around the room again.
“Well, with the only options being to lose my family and job or go get myself better, I guess it’s a no-brainer huh?” He attempted to laugh, but nothing felt very funny at the moment.
“I’ll wait outside, Kendrick.” Dr. Parks nodded patiently at him. “Take your time.”
“Can I have some time with Jay and our daughter?” Kendrick timidly asked his family. He felt he had no right to ask, but he couldn’t leave without it.
“Of course. We’ll be outside waiting.” Audrey
hugged him close. “Before you leave, I’d like to know her name.” She winked at him, kissing him soundly on the cheek one last time.
The hugs he received from every single member of his family buoyed his hope that he would survive this and come back better than ever. But when the room was empty and silent, he turned to Jay and felt every hope dashed. Could he ever fix what he’d done to her? Could he even get away from the pills? And if he did, would she take him back? Let him around their baby?
“I see what you’re thinking, Kendrick. It’s written all over your face.” Jay smiled tiredly at him. His stomach clenched with guilt. Here she was, exhausted from giving birth, and he was putting her through an emotional wringer because of his fucked up choices.
“Stop. Yes, you made bad choices, but I love you. We aren’t over. Far from it. You’re going to go get yourself clean, get that shoulder and neck healed, and come back home to us. We’ll be here waiting on you.” Jay reached out to touch his hand. “Waiting to welcome you back, with open arms.”
“It’s not going to be easy.” Kendrick stated the obvious.
“I know.”
“I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get through this.” His voice broke.
“You are.”
“What’s her name?” Tears broke free, pouring down his face.
Jay handed the baby back to him. Head bent, he kissed the top of her head while sobs shuddered through his body.
“I was thinking about Bella Marie, after Kyle’s Isabella and my middle name.” Jay smiled at him. “We never knew Isabella, but she helped to make Kyle into the man he is today, and you have needed him so much lately. I felt like it was just fitting to name the baby after her.”
“Bella Marie. I like it.” He smiled back. Turning his attention back to the baby asleep in his arms, he whispered, “Hey, Bella Marie, Daddy has to go away for a little while. But I’ll be back soon. And once I’m back, I’ll spend the rest of my life loving and protecting you. Never forget how much I love you and your momma.” He nuzzled her head again.
Handing the baby back to Jay, he watched in apt fascination as she began to feed his daughter. “Wow, you’re really good at that.” He smiled goofily at Jay while she laughed.
“I think it’s just something babies know how to do.” Jay shrugged.
He sat close to her, grasping her hand, breathing her scent. “I’m sorry I fucked things up so badly. I’ll spend the rest of my life loving you and making this up to you.” He kissed her firmly. “I love you, Jaymison Marie Keller.”
He stood up with determination. Kissing her once more, he winked. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to open a can of whoop ass on this addiction.”
The sound of her giggle followed him from the room. It was a sound he would hold close during the hellish weeks to come.
Upon finding his entire family still waiting, he smiled at his mom, “I think Jay and Bella Marie are waiting for you.” Audrey squealed and headed toward the room.
“Mom, wait.” He turned to everyone seated in the waiting room. “I owe you all an apology and a thank you. Please watch over Jay and Bella until I can get back here. Thank you for forcing my hand. I know over the next several weeks I may not feel very grateful, just know that I am. I love you all.”
Kyle walked forward, tears in his eyes and Josie tucked under his arm. “Bella?”
Kendrick smiled, “Yeah, since Jay looks so much like Izzy, and you’ve been such an instrumental part in helping me heal from losing my son, Jay and I thought it was fitting.”
Closing his eyes and swallowing his tears, Kyle pulled his nephew into a hug. “Thank you. I can’t think of a more beautiful way to honor Izzy.”
Final hugs and goodbyes were given. With a small smile to his family, a nod to Dr. Parks, and deep fear of the unknown in his belly, Kendrick followed the doctor out to the car which would take him away from his heart and soul. But he’d be back, there was no question about that.
Chapter 22
Jay and Bella were released forty-eight hours later. She went home with Katie. It was decided that living by herself would be too much at first, and living with Audrey and Jeremiah could cause more stress than necessary while Kendrick was detoxing.
Katie was absolutely thrilled to have Jay and Bella at her home. But her mother and grandmother were possibly even more excited.
“Oh, it’s been so long since I’ve helped with a baby. This will be the most fun I’ve had in a very long time.” Grandma grinned and clapped her hands.
The four women fell into as much of a routine as one can expect with a brand new baby in the home. Katie took the early morning feeding since she was already up for work. Katie’s mom and grandma took over afternoon feedings if Jay needed a nap. They all enjoyed daily visits from family members. Many came daily, some came on lunch breaks from work, others came to visit and hold Bella while the main caretakers ate supper, cleaned up, and rested a bit.
Jay blossomed as a mother. Her fears of not being able to care for her baby were drowned the moment Bella was placed on her chest, and those feelings grew more intense each day.
“I’m not saying there are no worries in my mind. Yes, I worry about her getting sick, making ends meet, raising her in this scary world. But, there’s no doubt in my mind I’ll protect her until my dying breath. My parents didn’t look at me that way, and I was fearful I’d be more like them. But the moment Bella was in my arms, I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do in this world to keep her safe and protected and happy.”
“That’s because you’re a wonderful person at heart, dear.” Grandma smiled over her teacup as she watched Jay nurse Bella. “What else is on your mind?”
Jay looked up, startled.
“I can see something else there. You’re in love with your baby, over the moon, but something is bothering you.” Grandma poured herself and Jay another cup of tea. “I had my hair done yesterday, my teeth are clean and fitting well, and my arthritis is playing nice today, I’ve got all the time in the world. Talk to me.”
“It’s nothing really. Not big enough to bother you with it. I’m silly, it must be the hormones. I just need to focus on this beautiful baby and be happy.” Jay’s eyes sparkled with unshed tears.
“That’s a load of poo if I’ve ever heard one. Yes, those hormones are going crazy. Your body is trying to heal from a huge event while it provides the needed nutrition for your baby. By the way, you’re doing great with nursing and pumping, but understand that if it doesn’t work out or you need to supplement with formula, it’s okay. I was a mess when the doctors told me I needed to give my baby extra formula because she wasn’t getting enough from me. But, once I relaxed and realized she was fed and happy, we were all able to settle in and just enjoy.” Grandma sipped her tea. “Oh lordy, I got off track. You have every right to feel whatever you’re feeling. Maybe it would help to talk about it?”
Jay was silent for several moments, watching Bella now sleeping in the crook of her arm. “I’m just scared.”
Grandma was quiet, just waiting on Jay to gather her thoughts.
“Scared of Kendrick not getting better. Or getting better and realizing he doesn’t want to be saddled with a single mother and her baby. Scared we’ll find out the baby isn’t his, and he won’t be able to deal with it after all.” Jay drew in a shaky breath. “He’s not contacted me once since he went to rehab.”
Grandma grabbed her cane and hefted herself from her easy-chair. Shuffling to Jay’s seat on the couch, she sat down and wrapped her arms around the girl.
“Jay, Kendrick may not be my flesh and blood, but I’ve gotten to know him over the years. All of those boys, that entire family, they are all special, unique. But none of them have ever held a candle to Kendrick. That boy, from the time he was small has been larger than life. He loves a good time, a good laugh, but sometimes he lets all of that hide what he’s really feeling. His jokes and barbs and comments are genuine, but they are also his shield. Kendrick is one of those who comes
across invincible, but he’s actually more fragile than the rest of them.” Grandma paused to position herself on the couch and lay her cane down. “That boy built up such a wall around him, he wasn’t able to recognize or admit he was in trouble. Most people didn’t see it because he was still the happy-go-lucky jokester he’d always been, working hard, playing hard, putting his family first. But from the moment that girl killed herself until he snorted those pills, he’s been silently screaming for help. No one noticed it, or no one wanted to admit it. You noticed. You admitted it even though it almost killed you. You saved his life.”
Jay was quiet for a while, taking in all Grandma had said.
“Now, I know I’m an old lady so I get a free pass to ramble and never really answer a question. But that’s not what I’m doing here. I said all of that so you’d believe me when I say Kendrick loves you. I see it, they all see it. He loved you before you saved him. I watched that boy go through girls like underwear, but everything changed with you. His swagger changed. He went from a cocky bastard who flew through women faster than I can change the TV channels to a man whose very presence exuded he had something special. Your heart, your spunk, your ability to challenge him, he fell in love with all of those things. So there is no way he’s giving up on you and Bella. The two of you are likely his main reason for getting clean; he wants to be home with you both so badly. Yes, he wants to get better for himself and his family, but I would place money the two of you are his main reasons. As far as that baby not being his, phooey. Once that boy sets his mind to something, there’s no dissuading him. Will it cause some bumps here and there if the baby’s biological father wants to be involved? Sure. But Kendrick considers you and Bella to be his, so he will work around it. As for you being a ‘single mother’, this old lady thinks that won’t be the case for much longer if that boy has anything to say about it.”
Jay stood to place Bella in her bassinet. Grabbing Grandma’s cup, she brought it to the woman. “What about the fact he hasn’t called or contacted me? I feel like I’m going crazy waiting for some sort of contact from him.”