by A. D. Ellis
“Well, you know Jeremiah talked to Dr. Parks the day Kendrick left. He’ll be limited on the phone calls he can make, but Dr. Parks had said this first week would be the worst and Kendrick would likely not feel up to calling or speaking to anyone.” Grandma reminded Jay.
“I know, I know. It’s killing me thinking about what he might be going through right now. And it hurts to think he may need to call his parents or cousins before he would call me. How selfish does that sound? I just hurt knowing he’s hurting and going through this alone.” Jay’s tears fell.
“Hey now, he’s not alone. He’s got a team of people trained to get him through this. Dr. Parks said the physical detox would take a week or two from start to finish. The emotional healing would take longer, but the doctor said Kendrick was already a couple steps ahead since he’d been doing therapy before the pills got out of control. Plus, Zoey is going to be doing that yoga and neurokinesis with him. All of that incorporated with the fact he’s got his entire family, you, and Bella supporting him, loving him, and waiting on him to come home? He’s going to beat this and be back better than ever.” Grandma patted Jay’s hand before kissing her cheek.
“Now, since Bella has eaten, pooped, and is taking a nap, I think I’ll follow her lead. But I better find my fiber powder if I want to stay as regular as that little thing is.” Grandma chuckled as she tottered off to the kitchen.
Jay sat in the bay window, Bella in the bassinet beside her, watching Torey Hope go about its day. Before long, her eyes were droopy and she curled up on the window seat to sleep. Sleep when the baby sleeps was the best advice ever.
She woke later to voices.
“I think you’re right, she needs to hear from him. I don’t want to make him have to decide between calling us, the guys, or her. Let’s talk to Dr. Parks and get the phone call set up to come in when we can all be there to take it. We can all talk, then give them some time to talk privately. Dr. Parks updated us today, that’s why I came over, I wanted to share with Jay, but he’s expecting Kendrick will be ready for phone calls in the next day or two.”
Jay cracked an eye to find Audrey cuddling Bella on the couch. Feeling peace that she’d talk to Kendrick soon and her baby was safe, Jay let the new mom exhaustion take over again.
Chapter 23
He was in hell. The fiery depths of hell had opened and swallowed him into the very pit.
He couldn’t sleep, but longed to sleep. Every hour, every minute, every second was wrapped around the thought of making it all go away, he just wanted to take away the pain and darkness.
His clothes were soaked in sweat from hot flashes and night sweats.
Why the hell couldn’t he stop yawning; he’d never yawned so much in his entire life.
No one entering his room was safe from his biting anger and excessive irritability. It seemed to him that everything made him angry. If the sun was shining, he was pissed. If rain was falling, he was pissed. Hell, he was pissed just for being pissed.
He couldn’t eat, and his stomach gnawed at itself as he rode waves of nausea every moment of the day. Between both ends of his body, he wasn’t sure there was one more ounce left to purge.
His head was pounding, his body ached, his heart hurt, hell, even his teeth felt like they were burning into his gums.
He was hot, he was cold. His skin hurt, his eyes burned, his nose stung, even breathing was too much at one point. He wanted to just curl into a ball, shut out the world, and make it all go away.
A couple pills would lessen the pain, take away some of the hell.
No, he had to get clean for Jay and Bella.
But, if he could get his hands on some pills, he could work at getting clean in a less traumatic way.
No! Damn it. If he could just stop thinking about the pills, maybe he could focus on something else. But every time he closed his eyes, the image of pills danced in his head. He imagined the warm euphoria washing over his body if he was able to take just a couple pills. He wanted to get better, but almost dying while doing it wasn’t going to be beneficial for anyone involved.
Dr. Parks assured him he wasn’t in danger of dying, even though he felt like he was going to. The doctor had talked to him about the options available. He could have taken the slower ease-down option of detoxing, but it would have taken longer. Dr. Parks had consulted with the team at the rehab facility to determine Kendrick was physically stable enough for the quicker detox process. It was what Dr. Parks and Kendrick had decided on, and Kendrick knew in the long run he’d be glad for it, but the days of fiery hell were almost more than he could manage.
A picture of Jay and Bella kept him going. Sawyer had snapped a photo of the two of them and sent it to Dr. Parks since Kendrick’s phone had been locked away for the time being. Dr. Parks had allowed the picture to be printed and hung in his room.
That beautiful pixie and precious baby girl were his two main reasons for living the hell of detox. Yes, he knew he owed it to his family and himself as well, but Jay and Bella were what he pictured each and every moment as he shivered through the pain those first several days. Every time a pill came to mind, he pictured Bella and Jay. When he woke from nightmarish dreams with dark thoughts swirling in his head, strangling his heart and choking his lungs, he clung to Bella and Jay.
**********
“How are you feeling today, Kendrick?” Dr. Parks smiled at him from across his desk.
“Well, I haven’t bitten anyone’s head off. I’m able to sit upright in a chair without wanting to vomit, light doesn’t hurt every cell in my body, and my teeth have stopped throbbing, so overall I’d say I’m on my way to being back among the living.” Kendrick chuckled a bit.
His body still ached. He still thought about those little pills. But the aching and craving were less now. His head was clearer, he felt less irritable, and he’d slept through most of the night for the first time since arriving at rehab.
“Good, good. You look much better.” Dr. Parks made notes as he spoke.
“Yeah, it’s amazing what a nice hot shower can do for you. I even ate a little breakfast this morning. I feel like I’m coming off a long bout with the worst flu of my life.” Not to mention feeling like I’m waking from the scariest, darkest, most horror-filled dream I’ve ever had.
“It’s a killer while you’re living it, but you’re on the other side of the physical detox now. Each day the physical symptoms should get better.”
When Dr. Parks stopped speaking, Kendrick heard the words he hadn’t said.
“So, the physical part sucked but is almost over. But you’re telling me the emotional part, the mental part is going to suck and last longer?” Kendrick took a deep breath, steeling himself for the challenge that faced him. Great, so the nightmare isn’t over.
“I’m telling you I’m confident you’re ready to take on this next step. You’ll be here another week or so. You’ll attend group sessions, individual sessions, and I’d like to get some family and Jay in here if possible. Then we’ll discharge you into outpatient care. You’ll see me three times a week. I think the yoga and neurokinesis with Zoey will be great for both your pain and your mental well-being. There will be days when you feel on top of the world, able to tackle and defeat anything in your path. Then there will be days when the tiniest obstacle or issue will send you spiraling. That’s when the support of family, the yoga or meditation, and having a group to turn to will be important. You’re going to feel more tired than usual as you heal from this. Don’t push yourself, but also don’t give into the desire to sleep life away. As long as Zoey can help you get that neck and shoulder a little more pain-free, you can start playing basketball or boxing or swimming with your cousins. Speaking of the pain, how is it?” Dr. Parks raised his brows in question.
“You know, Doc, it’s sort of funny. And I don’t mean haha funny, I mean fucked up funny. When I was messed up with those pills, I would have sworn the pain in my neck and shoulder was the worst it had ever been and that was why I needed those
pills so badly. But, now that the pills are out of my system and I’m thinking clearly for the first time since before the wreck, I realize the pain wasn’t all that bad. I mean, yes, they still hurt, but I was using them as an excuse to keep popping those pills and hiding from the fact I was in trouble. I’ve been doing little bits of yoga from what I can remember Zoey teaching me in one of her classes, and one of the staff members gave me a CD with meditation sessions on it. It’s nice to just zone out with those.”
“That’s good, Kendrick. I have to tell you like I told your parents, I’m feeling quite positive about your recovery. You’ll never not be an addict…”
Those words stung at Kendrick’s heart, but he listened as the doctor continued.
“What I mean by that is you’ll be recovered and living a happy, healthy life, but you’ll never be able to just take a pill like others. You’ll have to be in constant communication with your family and friends and medical professionals if any medications are needed for some reason down the road. Most successful recovering addicts who had a problem with pills find themselves refusing to take even a Tylenol; they’d rather talk it out, work it out physically, or breathe it out than take a pill and possibly lose control to the vicious cycle. That part will be up to you.”
“Gee, Doc, you make the future sound so very bright and inviting.” Kendrick couldn’t keep the sarcasm from his voice.
Dr. Parks laughed. “It’s not said to bring you down. I say it because I have complete confidence in your total recovery. I’ve seen people worse off than you, with less support and determination than you, become successful recovering addicts. So my point to all of this is you’re ahead of the game. Family support, stable job, Jay and the baby, physical and mental exercises in place, and the fact you’d already been working through the anger and depression of Sarah’s suicide before the pills got out of control…all of that puts you one or two steps ahead.”
Dr. Parks made a few more notes. “So, we’ll start with a group session later today. Individual stuff will be with me in the mornings. And we’ll set up some family sessions within the next few days. Our individual sessions will deal with getting rid of the anger and guilt from Sarah’s death and the loss of the baby. I know you were doing better with that before the wreck, but I think you maybe just covered up with Jay and the baby rather than really coming to terms with it. And the guilt from ten years ago was subconsciously compounded by the guilt you likely felt in letting Jay and the baby take the place of Sarah and your first child. But, no worries, I’m pretty good at what I do, so I’ll get you through it one day at a time.”
The doctor smiled at him. “Now, are you ready for your big surprise?”
“Surprise? I didn’t know I was getting a surprise. But, yeah, I’m ready for it. Unless it’s one of those big surprises that suck, if it’s going to suck I don’t want it.” Kendrick shifted uncomfortably in his chair. The anxiety of the unknown was a new feeling for him. In the past he was all for new and unknown and surprises and fun, now he felt himself a little more anxious, cautious, unsure.
“How about a phone call home?” Dr. Parks suggested.
“No shit? Really?” Kendrick felt his eyes grow wide as he smiled. But just as quickly, the smile faded. “Damn, how do I decide who to call first? Maybe I should wait until tomorrow and have them all get together in one place so I can talk to them all?”
“Already one step ahead of you, Kendrick. I’ve been in touch with your family. They will all be anxiously awaiting your video call tonight at 7:00 p.m. We’ll set it up here in this office so you’ll have some privacy. Usually the facility limits the calls to fifteen minutes, but since you were already my patient before being admitted, I’ve talked them into allowing a thirty minute call.”
“Thanks, Doc. Best news I’ve heard since emerging from my own personal hell. But, damn, now I’ve got all day to wait.”
“Well, you have lunch, the group session, time for yoga, and dinner to keep you busy. Why don’t you go get some meditation time in before lunch?” The doctor smiled as Kendrick nearly bounded from the office.
**********
“Shit, why am I so nervous? I’ve talked to these people every day for most of my life. I have no reason to fear them or worry, but I feel like I’m about to puke over making this call.” Kendrick’s hands were sweaty, his heart was pounding, and he felt sick to his stomach, but it had nothing to do with the detox.
“This is the first time you’ve talked to most of them without all the shields and walls. You’re still the jokester, the clown, the fun guy, but it’s time to show them the fragile, sensitive, more at-risk side of yourself. It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling. They are probably just as anxious as you are.” Dr. Parks patted him on the shoulder.
Setting up the video call, Dr. Parks instructed Kendrick to push the button when he was ready to make the connection.
“I’ll be across the hall doing some paperwork. Let me know if you need me. I’ll leave the door open so I can see you, just wave if you need my attention.” Dr. Parks nodded
Kendrick sat staring at the screen for several moments. He wanted more than anything to connect with his family, to hear Jay’s voice, to see Bella’s beautiful face. But he was scared. Scared their eyes would hold pity or judgment.
“Damn it, man, grow some balls.” He shook his head in disgust and punched the connect button a little harder than he probably needed to.
Within moments, his screen lit up and he saw the whole fam-damn-ly appear in the frame. They were at his parents’ house, he saw the kitchen in the background.
Taking just a moment to look at each and every one of them, he took a deep breath and fought down the lump in his throat.
It seemed everyone on the other end was taking a moment to gather themselves as well.
Finally, thankfully, someone spoke.
“Hi, Kendrick. I’m glad you’re not dead. Taking drugs was stupid. You’re supposed to just say no to drugs.” Uncle Nicky, adept at getting straight to the point as usual.
“Yeah, thanks Uncle Nicky. I was acting stupid there for a while, but I’m doing better now.” Kendrick chuckled.
The family chit-chatted for a few moments, different members shouting out comments and questions at random.
Eventually, the older members said their love and goodbyes, leaving the screen to the younger generation.
“So, how are you feeling?” Zach asked.
“Overall, physically, much better. I’m anxious about the mental and emotional stuff, but Dr. Parks says I already have a good head start on that part. He has confidence in me, and I trust him, so I think it will be okay.”
“That’s good. It’s really good to see you looking so much better. I don’t think I’d realized how bad things had gotten, but you look really, really good now.” Decker nodded at him. “Oh, and just so you know, we’ve implemented random drug screenings at The Center+. We lost one employee with the first screening, but I think the random aspect will help to keep the issues at bay.”
Kendrick could only guess that the one employee had been Billy. The man hadn’t forced him to take those pills, but Kendrick sure couldn’t muster a lot of sympathy knowing Billy was no longer at The Center+.
“Listen…,” Kendrick squeezed the bridge of his nose before taking a deep breath and plowing on, “I want to apologize to all of you. The way I acted, the things I said, the stuff I did, it was wrong and I’m sorry. I want to say it wasn’t me, but that would be a cop out. It was me. Yeah, I was under the influence, but it was still me making those decisions, and I’m sorry for breaking your trust in me. And thank you for sticking by my side. I don’t deserve it, but knowing I’ve got you all supporting me makes this a bit easier to face.”
“Kendrick, don’t ever say you don’t deserve our support. You’re family. You fucked up. But that doesn’t mean we’ll leave you to deal with this on your own. Besides, if we don’t support you through this, who’s going to kick your ass when it needs it?” Sawyer
smiled at him.
At the sound of the baby’s cry, Kendrick’s heart clenched.
Looking straight into Jay’s eyes, he whispered, “Can I see her?”
Jay smiled and lifted the baby girl up so her beautiful face filled the screen. Dark hair, long lashes, tiny pink mouth. She was dressed in the outfit Kendrick had liked the most from their registry. At that moment, all else ceased to exist. Jay and Bella were the only things he saw. He was vaguely aware of goodbyes being said and the screen emptying as the others left the room, but he could do nothing but stare at his beautiful girls.
“Hey, Pixie.” His voice caught as he fought the tears in his eyes.
On a deep, shuddering breath, Jay smiled, “Hey.”
Bella made a squeaky baby noise, and they both laughed through their tears.
“Hey there, Bella Marie. How’s my baby? Daddy loves you so very much.” Kendrick’s voice was rough and raw as he spoke the words.
As if she recognized his voice, Bella peeped one eye open before squirming in Jay’s arms and letting out a miffed cry.
Audrey popped onto the screen. “Here, let me feed her while you two talk. I’ve got a bottle ready.” She left with the baby, making little cooing sounds at her granddaughter the whole way to the kitchen.
“Looks like Miss Bella has everyone wrapped around her little finger, huh?” Kendrick smiled, watching Jay’s eyes.
“Yeah, she really does. Everyone is so good with her. They’ve all been incredibly helpful. Even Asher has come over and offered to watch her for little bits at a time. I think he’s pretty scared of her, but he wants to help.” Jay kept the chatter neutral.
“How are you, Pixie?” Kendrick wanted to gather her in his arms, feel the heat of her skin, the taste of her skin. Seeing but not touching was killing him.
“I’m good. Bella sleeps pretty well, nurses like a champ and takes a bottle for others, she’s gaining weight. Overall everything is good.” Jay’s smile was tight.