She Friend-Zoned My Love

by Sudeep Nagarkar

  The hardest part was accepting that they could never be together. Each day with Alzheimer’s was a struggle and, in an attempt to hide it, she had lost her friends. When she had visited the guru last week, she had wished for a meeting with Pihu and Ishaan because she knew time was running out. She wished Apurv and Sia would share the same bond as before. Her to-do list was fast turning into a should-have-done list.

  But I Still Love You

  I’m breaking

  And I can’t be fixed

  I’m missing

  But will I be missed?

  I can’t let you in,

  So don’t come near

  I’m fighting a battle

  That I’ll never win.

  So what’s the point

  of continuing to fight?

  When my restless days

  Turn into restless nights

  This life hasn’t been fair

  What was God’s cause?

  Why did He put me on this earth?

  Was I born just to die?

  I’m losing sight

  Of what I’ve already seen

  I’m losing my grip,

  And I’m barely seventeen.

  Amyra was typing on her mobile when she heard a familiar voice. She was in a hospital bed with her arm injected with IVs to counter the weakness brought on by the mental stress. The doctors had given up on her mental state but were fighting for her physical well-being.

  ‘Amyra, I am here.’ Apurv entered the room and greeted her sister and parents. She stared at him with a blank face. Ritvik and Sia followed him. Amyra smiled at Sia. Apurv sensed that she was still upset about what had happened that day and was ignoring him. He wanted to confess his love for her, despite her parents sitting right there. I love her, I just love her. His heart ached looking at her. I hate you, God, I will never forgive you. If you were human, I would have dragged you to the highest court of humanity to prove that your decision to take Amyra’s life is wrong.

  ‘How are you? I am not well.’ Amyra sighed, still ignoring Apurv.

  Sia didn’t react while Ritvik inquired, ‘Aren’t you feeling a little better?’

  Amyra didn’t reply and turned towards Sia instead.

  Sia looked at Amyra. ‘We have a surprise for you, and I am sure it’ll make you feel better.’

  ‘Really? Can you take this pain away?’

  ‘Yes.’ Sia beckoned Ishaan and Pihu to step in.

  ‘Friendship is the only gift we can give you,’ said Apurv.

  Amyra couldn’t believe that her wish was coming true.

  ‘Sia?’ Amyra asked in shock, ignoring Apurv once again.

  Sia held her hand and assured her that this was really happening. None of them said anything but their eyes expressed all their emotions. Pihu sat beside her and touched her cheek gently. The dry flames inside Amyra’s cold heart burnt so bright that they melted the toughest stone of ire that Pihu carried within her. It didn’t take even a single word for them to feel the connection they once shared.

  ‘I am sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you,’ Amyra cried.

  ‘I know. But we both moved on to our new lives so quickly that we completely forgot how important we were to each other.’ Pihu’s eyes were filled with tears.

  ‘I shifted to Versova this year.’

  For a second, Pihu couldn’t comprehend what she meant because she thought Amyra had moved almost three years ago when they were in the ninth standard. But Pihu ignored this and hugged Amyra tightly. Ishaan stood back, his eyes moist. When Amyra looked at him, he slowly moved forward and, keeping in mind her parents, sat beside her as if he were just a close school friend. However, her parents seemed to understand and stepped outside to give them some privacy. ‘You are still special to me,’ Ishaan said while caressing her forehead.

  This made Apurv feel uncomfortable, but he knew that Amyra’s feelings mattered more. He wanted to leave the room, but he knew she would feel bad. Also, it had been his decision to reunite them. But he was completely taken aback when Amyra said, ‘Can you kiss me?’

  ‘Now?’ Ishaan looked around the room.

  ‘Yes, please.’

  Ishaan gazed at Apurv in confusion, not knowing what to do.

  ‘Please,’ Amyra begged again.

  Ishaan gave her a small peck on the cheek and smiled. Apurv opened his eyes only after he heard Amyra’s mother whispering to the doctor who had arrived to conduct a routine check-up. Ishaan and Pihu left after a while. It was then that Apurv finally spoke to Amyra. ‘This was your only wish, right? To meet Ishaan and Pihu? I had promised myself that I would do anything to fulfil your . . .’ He stopped himself from saying the words ‘last wish’. Instead, he said, ‘I would do anything to see you smile. I love you.’

  He hoped to hear her say that she loved him too. But Amyra gave him a confused look. ‘You love me?’

  ‘Why are you acting like you don’t know me? I know you love me too.’ Apurv smiled as he moved closer to her.

  ‘I don’t love you. I don’t even know you.’ Amyra’s words broke his heart. His biggest fear had come true. The eraser in her head had already removed Apurv and all their memories from her mind. Now he understood why she had stared at him with a blank expression when he entered. She remembered Sia because she had known her since school.

  ‘Now I know why she said they shifted to Versova this year.’ Apurv told the others.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘My role in her life is over. It’s time for me to pack up.’

  Still, he refused to let go. The nurse brought coffee for her and placed it on the table. The scene reminded Apurv of their first meeting, and he snatched the coffee away to take a sip, burning his tongue in the process. ‘Excuse me, that’s mine.’

  The words were the same. Back then, they had been strangers. And now, after so many days together, they were strangers again. He was ready to relive every moment with her, but time separated them. He was moving ahead in time while she was moving backwards.

  Three months later:

  I honestly feel like I’m losing my mind. As time keeps passing, I’m falling behind. The world seems unclear to me. The best of me is gone and I do not want to remember it. Don’t try to make me understand, let me just rest and know you are with me, Mom. It started so simply, just a phrase here and there or maybe a memory that vanished into thin air. I started to repeat it over and over again. Slowly, it grew worse as the seasons passed by. It’s such a task to even go anywhere. For the last three months, I have immersed myself in a routine. Alarms, voice messages and reminders are my only partners. There are photographs pinned all over my room to keep me from forgetting the people who matter. But I still do. At times, it seems like I have two diseases—Alzheimer’s and the knowledge of Alzheimer’s. When I wander, don’t tell me to come and sit down; instead wander with me. When I call for my grandmother, don’t tell me she died, Mom; reassure me, cuddle me and tell me about her. When I get angry, please don’t reach for the drugs, but try to understand what I’m saying. If I don’t eat or drink, it may be because I’ve forgotten how to; show me what to do. Mom, will there really be a day when I won’t be able to recognize you? How could I not, Mom? I don’t mind losing everyone else, but what will I do without you?

  It’s not always hearts, sometimes even minds break. Amyra needed time but, slowly and surely, the disease was coming down on her. Everyone around her said she had changed, that she wasn’t the same. Her mom bathed her, dressed her and loved her. The nurses told them that she would go back to her childhood and act like she was five. But if we could, how many of us would love to be five again? So maybe being five again wasn’t so bad after all.

  Her friends, including Apurv, proved the doctors wrong as they still cared for her like before. Over the past three months she had looked at Apurv as a stranger, but for him she was the same Amyra. He had to rewrite the college play at the last moment, but their biggest problem was the uncertainty over the leading lady. However, Apurv and Ritvik both convi
nced Sia to take up the role, and she finally accepted. The play was a hit. All the delegates not only appreciated Sia’s performance but even the clothes she had designed for all the characters. Even her parents had big smiles on their faces. But it was performing publicly for the first time that completely changed Sia’s outlook on life. She had acquired a new confidence. She didn’t feel insecure about her appearance any more. Apurv had even written a play on Amyra’s life, one in which he wanted Sia to play the lead. One person certainly can change your perceptions. Where he used his writing to make girls fall in love with him, his first play ended up being about a girl he loved more than anything else.

  Please say my name, just once today. Tell me you remember who I am, please just whisper softly. Don’t let this be the day when you look past my face. We can’t let go, there are many more things we have to do, many more walks to take and many more memories to make. Apurv’s inner voice screamed as he stood in front of Amyra in her room.

  ‘It’s your birthday month. What gift do you want? Remember, we planned to celebrate it together this time.’

  Amyra shook her head, unable to recollect as she looked towards the sticky note on which the month was written. April 2017.

  Amyra looked back at Apurv and smiled with the same elegance that was characteristic of her.

  ‘Even though I can’t remember who you are, your presence makes me happy. I wish to relive all our moments together. I’m sure you were my favourite person.’

  Her words eased his restless soul and mended his aching heart. The emotions he felt for Amyra were irreplaceable regardless of whether she was his friend or girlfriend. ‘I love you, Amyra.’

  ‘I love you too.’ Amyra smiled. She loved him for the care he showed and effort he took to make her smile.

  Although he knew that it wasn’t the same as before, she still sent butterflies fluttering in his stomach.

  The next day, when Apurv was in college, he got a call from Amyra’s sister.

  ‘Apurv?’ she sounded breathless.

  ‘Yes, Nivi. What happened?’

  ‘Apurv, Didi is no more. Please come fast.’

  It felt like the world had stopped around him. Although he had known that he would have to face this eventuality, he wasn’t prepared. You can never prepare yourself for such moments. She had left him all alone.

  Apurv was sitting with Ritvik and Sia when the call came.

  ‘She didn’t recognize you again?’ asked Sia.

  ‘She didn’t talk to me and will never talk to me again.’

  ‘Why? Who called?’

  ‘Amyra is no more.’

  I love you too. Those were her last words to him. If Apurv knew that those would be her last words, he wouldn’t have minded being ‘just friends’ with her. Apurv rushed to her house with teary eyes and a heavy heart. His body went cold when he saw her lying lifeless, covered in a white sheet. The moment he entered, Nivi ran to him and hugged him. His chest felt tight and he could barely breathe.

  He remembered Amyra’s words. ‘Till there is life, there will be struggle; till there is struggle, there will be life.’

  Her soul had left and her struggle with life had ended. They hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye. Their love story would remain an unfinished book.

  A few weeks later, Nivi found a note in Amyra’s wardrobe with Apurv’s name on it. Without any delay, she handed it over to him.

  I am afraid I won’t ever gather the courage to give this to you. It’s so funny how everything in this life can seem so small when you look death in the eye. We live our entire lives trying to achieve useless goals, when in reality they don’t matter. Live in the moment, live now and be happy. Go lie under the stars and listen to the songs of the universe. The stars have been around for far longer than us and will exist even when we cease to. I’ll be looking at you, Apurv, from above, reminding you that till there is life there will be struggle; and till there is struggle, there will be life. Stop wasting time worrying about things that don’t matter and just enjoy life. Find yourself, chase your dreams and smile. Be happy, be free and be yourself, for that is all you can be. Don’t shed a tear because I am gone; smile because we got to spend time together. Tell Ritvik and Sia to be happy and have at least a dozen kids.

  The letter brought a smile to his face. Apurv was lucky that he had two friends who constantly supported him while he mourned for Amyra. They tried to cheer him up by taking him to watch movies and to restaurants. Despite being a couple, they included him in all their plans.

  Apurv decided to turn his back on yesterday and to live for tomorrow. He didn’t just remember Amyra as a sad memory, he cherished every moment spent with her and let it live on.

  THE BEGINNING

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  Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

  This collection published 2018

  Copyright © Sudeep Nagarkar 2018

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  Jacket images © Devangana Dash

  ISBN 978-9-385-99000-7

  This digital edition published in 2018.

  e-ISBN: 978-9-353-05017-7

  This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.