A Little Help from Above

by Saralee Rosenberg

  “Why now, Shelby?” He shook his fist. “After all these years, you couldn’t just let it rest?”

  “I…It wasn’t my intention, believe me. She provoked me.”

  “Oh, bullshit! You’ve never been provoked a day in your life. You did it because you saw she was too weak to defend herself.”

  “That’s not true,” Shelby protested. “Bringing it up was the last thing on my mind.”

  “So? What? You were in the middle of polite chitchat when all of a sudden it occurred to you, hey, now would be a good time to turn the knife?”

  “That’s not how it was, okay? She accused me of being a lousy sister because I won’t buy into this whole stupid surrogate mother thing. Then when she said it was a shame I wasn’t loyal and devoted like she was to Mommy, I guess I just lost it.”

  “And what did you think Lauren would do after she found out? Go out and celebrate?”

  “I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking about her…”

  “No, of course you didn’t think about her,” he yelled in spite of excruciating pain. “Why would you think of her? You’re always so wrapped up in yourself and your goddamn career. But if you knew what we’d been through with her…Believe me. It’s been one heartache after the next.”

  “I know.”

  “You know nothing!” Saliva sprayed from his mouth.

  “Fine.” Shelby jumped. “I know nothing.”

  “Don’t pacify me!” He bellowed. “Lauren’s been through hell, and who do you think has been there to pick up the pieces? Your mother and me! Poor kid goes and marries two different guys without a pot to piss in, and every month we’re putting money in the bank so they have something to live on. And when we’re not covering her expenses, we’re there for her to lean on when she gets depressed because she’s not pregnant. Or, because the medication to help her get pregnant is making her sick. Then finally the Great Shelby shows up, not to be a big sister to her, oh no, that would be too much to ask. No, she has to make even more trouble by telling her that her father had an affair.”

  Shelby was dizzy. To what did she respond first? The accusation she was a horrible person, a horrible sister, a horrible daughter? “But it’s true, Daddy. You did have an affair.”

  “How dare you be so disrespectful!”

  “I’m disrespectful?” Shelby raised her voice. “You’re the one who slept with your sister-in-law while your wife was in this hospital dying of cancer. What were you thinking when you betrayed Mommy? That it was okay because she was too sick to find out?”

  “Thinking? Who was thinking? I was in pain. An agony I hope to God you never know.”

  “I’m sorry.” Shelby wiped her wet nose with the back of her hand. “What you did was unconscionable, inexcusable, and…downright shitty.”

  “Well how’s this? I don’t have one single regret. Roz saved my life.”

  “Yes, but she ruined mine!”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying.” He turned to her with tears in his eyes. “Roz took you into her life as if you were her own. She cared for you, she loved you, she did everything she could to help you forget your pain.”

  “I didn’t want to forget!” Shelby cried. “I wanted to remember everything about Mommy. How she smelled so nice in the morning, how she always combed my hair and kissed my head, how she loved to pick out my clothes for the next day of school. Roz was nothing like her. She was a fat pig. I don’t even know how you looked at her naked. She was nothing like Mommy.”

  Larry tried to prop himself up on his elbows, but had neither the strength nor the maneuverability. Even the slightest movement inflicted pain. “Come over here,” he signaled.

  Shelby moved closer, not expecting that in one swift motion her father would extend his arm and slap her face. He fell back in agony, as did she. He had never raised a hand to her before.

  “I should have done that years ago,” he huffed. “How dare you speak that way. You looked at Roz and saw someone who chose not to starve herself for the sake of being stylish. I looked at Roz and saw a loving woman who was healthy as a horse. A good woman who could move a roomful of furniture, do the shopping and cooking, and still have the strength to hold me at night.

  “I tell you, watching your mother wither away to a bag of bones was a horror, and I didn’t care if I lived or died, kids or no kids. But your aunt Roz. She gave me the will to carry on. She made me survive, so I was there for you and Lauren. I’m telling you right now. Without her you would have lost me, too.”

  Shelby was still holding her hand over the cheek her father had struck, shocked not by the soreness of her jaw, but by his words. She had never allowed herself to believe he might love another woman after her mother, let alone a woman who stole him out from under her nose. Yet he was truly speaking from the heart. He loved Roz.

  “I’m sorry,” she spoke softly, suddenly feeling a chill from the frosty air-conditioning. “I guess until now I never considered your needs.”

  “No kidding.” His voice softened. “That’s why I’m going to tell you a story. An unbelievable story. Like the fairy tales I used to read to you at night. Only this one is true. Every last word.”

  “It’s okay. I don’t need to hear this.” Shelby stood.

  “Sit down!” he barked. “You do need to hear this.”

  Shelby, the newly obedient one, sat back down.

  “First of all, you have to understand this wasn’t planned. It just happened.”

  “Men always say that. ‘I swear, honey, I had no idea it was going to happen.’”

  “Be quiet, or I’ll slap you again. And stop with the sarcasm. You think this is easy for me?”

  Shelby folded her hands in her lap.

  “One morning I’m on the way home from the hospital after another sleepless night on a cot in your mother’s room, and I’m depressed as hell. Scared. Shaken. Miserable. You name it. And I’m thinking, I’m not strong enough to go on. Maybe I should just drive off the side of the road.

  “I knew the doctors were bullshitting me. They’d tell me about this new drug, or that new experiment so I’d keep my hopes up. But a husband knows when his wife is dying. She’d just been through another round of radiation and was weak from nausea. She couldn’t go on much longer.

  “Anyway, I walk in the door and there’s Roz, looking like an angel, I swear. She had just moved in with us to take care of you and Lauren, and she’d been running around trying to fill your mother’s shoes. She was baking, and cleaning and carpooling, the works. And remember, she was a single girl then, totally unaccustomed to our lifestyle.

  “So she greets me at the door, a basket of laundry in her hand, and I say, ‘Why are you doing the laundry? I’ll bring it over to the plant.’ And she says, ‘I have to keep busy, or I’ll die.’ And, of course, I understand.

  “Then she tells me she just made coffee and baked a fresh banana bread, and I should sit down and join her. Well, you know me. I hate banana bread, but the house smelled so wonderful, and I was just happy not to be at the hospital. So we sit at the dining room table and we talk. And the house is so nice and quiet because you girls were at school. And the phone wasn’t ringing for a change, and Tony Bennett’s on the radio…

  “And I see that Roz has been crying, too, and we talk about Sandy, and how much we love her, and I take her hand because I realize I’m not the only one who’s suffering. Then she kisses my hand, and I feel her tears on my skin, and I want to comfort her. So I get up, and we hug. And there we are, holding on to each other for dear life, and suddenly I go to kiss her cheek, but she turns, and our lips touch, and I’m feeling dread and shame and love all at once, and I kiss her back with more passion than I can believe, and I’m feeling her warmth, and we began to undress each other. Right there in the dining room.”

  “Please. Daddy. I really don’t want to hear this.”

  “Yes. Yes you do. Because you need to understand the moment. Understand how two frightened, tired people can seek solace from one anothe
r without the National Enquirer passing judgment on them.

  “So we go from the dining room into the living room, and there’s piles of clean clothes on the couch, on the chairs, towels folded on the rugs, so much laundry I’m thinking to myself, She’s trying to compete with me. She’s taking in the neighbor’s laundry. Anyway, I guess you could say we fell into the softness of it all, and we made love. Beautiful love. I tell you the moment still brings tears to my eyes.”

  And to mine, Shelby thought.

  “I tell you, Shelby, it was innocent and passionate, and when it was over we didn’t feel shame or dread. We felt alive. We weren’t giving in to death, we were reminding ourselves we were whole and healthy. Then, of course, reality hit, and we were so embarrassed we avoided each other altogether. And that was that. No one had to know. It was our little secret.”

  “Until she found out she was pregnant.”

  “Exactly. That’s when everything changed. I hoped she might tell me there was someone else, but Roz wasn’t the kind to sleep around. In fact, if you want to know a little secret, she had quite a crush on me when I first met your mother. She was a little girl then. A baby. Anyway, she was heartbroken when Mommy and I got married, and I guess I knew when Roz and I made love that she still had strong feelings for me. So what was I supposed to do? She was pregnant with my child. Break her heart? Tell her to get an abortion?

  “Then I began to think. Maybe this was God’s plan. He was taking my wife away, but he was bringing me someone else who really loved me, and you, and Lauren. Roz is not like your mother, I know, but she’s a wonderful woman. Very strong and vivacious and caring. And a helluva good bowler. A one-sixty handicap, and I don’t have to tell you how that’s helped our league.

  “Anyway, your mother died a few months later, and now Roz is as big as a house, and of course everyone is asking questions. Who’s the father? Are you getting married? So she makes up this story about a fella from Philly that didn’t work out, but she was keeping the baby and living with us until she could get her own place.

  “I tell you, Granny Bea was beside herself. She just lost one daughter to cancer, and now the other one is going to have an illegitimate child. She’d walk around saying, ‘Thank God my Sheldon didn’t live to see this day.’

  “Then before we knew it, Eric was born, and I tell you now, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Instead of living in a deep depression, I had a reason to live. I had my son to raise, and two beautiful daughters. We were a family again. A strong, healthy family. No more hospitals, and doctors, and ambulance calls in the middle of the night. We had love and stability, and I admit it was a little cockamamy how the whole thing came to be, but somehow it just seemed right. Not sinful. Not dirty.”

  “But it was so unfair,” Shelby cried. “You never let us mourn. You swept our whole life with Mommy under the rug like she never existed. Every time I mentioned her, you’d pat my head and tell me not to be sad. You’d say, ‘Let’s be happy with our new mom and our new baby brother.’ But I needed to keep my mother’s memory alive. How she walked and talked, how she’d roll her eyes when you made a corny joke…”

  “You’re one hundred percent right.” He shrugged. “But at the time, it was too hard for me to watch you suffer. Every time you had a bad spell, it would just remind me of how much pain I was in. The only way I could get out of bed in the morning was to think about our new life.”

  “I understand,” Shelby cried. “But how could you have kept the truth from us? How could you have let us grow up never telling us Eric was your son?”

  “Believe me, I wanted to tell you. I just couldn’t seem to find the right words. Then the years went by, and everything was going along, and I said to myself, why mess things up now? Maybe it’s not so bad to keep this under wraps. Then nobody gets hurt.”

  “Yes, but we had a right to know!” Shelby folded her arms. “I would never keep something as important as that from my children.”

  “Shelby, believe me. Nothing would make me happier than for you to one day know the joy of having children. And to have the chance to raise them the best you can. But eventually you’d find out, no matter hard you try, you can’t always do right by them.”

  “I’ll have to take your word for it.” She sighed. “I don’t think kids are in the cards for me.”

  “Never say never.” He patted her hand. “Life is full of surprises.”

  “Maybe.” Shelby nodded.

  “You used to want kids you know.” He smiled. “Lots of them. Seven I think. One for every day of the week.”

  “Oh my God. Not you, too.” Shelby’s eyes grew big. “The other day I ran into this girl I went to school with who remembered me saying the same thing, and then I found my old diary and it was in there, too. But it’s so weird. I have no recollection of ever thinking anything like that.”

  “Are you kidding?” Daddy’s eyes twinkled. “You had all kinds of great ideas. First you were going to save the world by giving away all my money. Then you were going to take a train to Alabama to beat up the people who didn’t let the colored children ride the bus…”

  “That I remember.” She smiled, praying he didn’t also remember that she wanted to be called Super Shelby. “But seven kids? What would I do with seven kids?”

  “That’s what Matty wanted to know.” He laughed. “I’ll never forget the look on his face when you told him the grand plan. You were just sitting there at the kitchen table eating Oreos and milk. You must have been eight or nine at the time. And you said, ‘Matty, when we’re in college you’re going to ask me to marry you, then we’ll live here, and we’ll have seven children, and Granny Bea Good will be so happy because she was the youngest of seven, and then she could say there was one for every day of the week, just like her father said to her.’ And he’s looking at you, like okay, Shelby. Anything you say, Shelby. Your mother and I had quite a laugh over that one…”

  “Glad I kept you all entertained.” She blushed, wondering what other intimate details of her life her father remembered. But at least the mystery was solved. And now that she thought about it, the details were suddenly coming into focus. Matty splitting open his Oreos and dunking them in milk. Matty hanging on her every word. Matty’s bright green eyes when he looked at her.

  “You know, Shelby. We knew you knew.” Her father interrupted her thoughts.

  “Then why you didn’t come right out and tell me?”

  “Roz wanted to. It was me…I was afraid…. You were already so hostile to her…”

  Shelby took a deep breath, knowing she might be upsetting the whole nice apple cart. “I was hostile to her because you kept insisting she was my mother, but my mother was gone. In fact, I still hate it when you call her Mommy. She’s my aunt Roz.”

  Her father closed his eyes. “Give it a rest, Shelby. I know the facts inside and out, but she’s been like a mother to you for almost thirty years. Do you mean to tell me with all she did for you, with everything she’s been through, you can’t give her a goddamn break?”

  Give her a break? Shelby wondered. What would it be like to live without anger? Would she lose her powers, like Samson when his hair was shorn? Or would she suddenly feel empowered? The only thing she knew for certain was she was tired of this embittered journey. Maybe the truth could set you free.

  “I suppose after what she’s put up with she deserves better.” Shelby hesitated. “But please don’t expect me to call her Mom. That I simply can’t do.”

  Her father shrugged. “The funny thing is, she always said she didn’t care what you called her, as long you called her. All she ever wanted was for you to accept her. To understand she had something to offer you. A loving home. A shoulder to cry on…”

  Just as Shelby nodded she understood, a heavyset nurse breezed in to do her scheduled chores. “How you doin’, Mr. L? I see they’ve scheduled you for surgery tomorrow…Oh, hi,” she acknowledged Shelby. “Well now, you must be the other daughter.”

  “Ye
s. I’m Shelby.”

  “Pleased to meet you, Shelby,” she huffed and puffed. “Your daddy’s a special man, and we’re takin’ excellent care of him. Now let me see who you look like.” She studied Shelby’s face, then looked over to Mr. Lazarus. “For sure you ain’t lookin’ like him. Good thing, too.” She chucked Shelby’s shoulder. “Seems to me you resemble your mama. Especially around the eyes. Course that’s about all I can see a her right now.”

  Larry Lazarus held his breath. Would Shelby carry on, as she always did, about the biological implausibility of her and Aunt Roz resembling one another?

  “Thank you.” Shelby smiled. “Everyone says that.”

  Larry beamed, then blew her a kiss.

  This is the great thing about eternity. You get to be around long enough to see everything!

  Chapter Seventeen

  Never underestimate the ability of hired help to make life blissful. Within days of Shelby’s reconciliation with her father, the formerly hostile Maria was not only pleasant to Shelby, she was completely at her service. Suddenly she was available to do Shelby’s laundry, take her phone messages, and as a licensed driver herself, take over the Waldbaum’s runs. At least she would remember to bring the coupons.

  But when Maria also learned Shelby had apologized to Aunt Roz, as well as agreed to see a gynecologist on Lauren’s behalf, she unrolled the rest of the red carpet. She stocked the refrigerator with Shelby’s favorite-flavored yogurt, placed fresh flowers by her bed, and miraculously managed to pronounce her name correctly. No more Miss Shelly. It was Shelby Dear.

  Shelby thanked Maria for her attentiveness, then was struck by an odd thought. Had anyone paid her since the accident? She’d never seen Lauren write out a check, or even mention an arrangement. Sure enough when Shelby inquired, Maria shrugged and said she was certain Mrs. L would settle up with her as soon as she was well enough. “In the meanwhile the good Lord will provide for me.”

  “And I’m sure Visa will be happy to wait,” Shelby replied. Then she promptly asked her father for his ATM card and pin number. Upon handing the devoted woman a month’s pay, plus reimbursements for groceries, train fare, and what Shelby wryly called “combat pay,” a teary-eyed Maria clutched the wad of cash to her chest and thanked Shelby for her kindness and generosity.