If You Stay (Beautifully Broken)

by Cole , Courtney

  “What?” I ask, as my stomach plummets into my feet. “You lied? You said you haven’t spoken with him.”

  For some strange reason, my fingers shake as I wait for her answer, as my heart beats loudly against my ribcage.

  Madison looks uncertain now. “I didn’t lie. I said he hasn’t been in The Hill. And he hasn’t. But he called me a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, he’s been keeping an eye on you and he noticed that you’ve still been picking up a lot of shifts for me and he wanted to help.”

  “He. What?” I ask stiltedly, trying to wrap my mind around this new turn of events. My icy sister has been speaking to Pax behind my back?

  “He wanted to help,” she repeats. “He told me that he knows how much The Hill means to us since it was our parents’ dream and he wanted to make sure that we don’t lose it. He paid off our renovation loan and then he sent one of his own business advisors to talk to me. We sat down and wrote out an updated business plan and now The Hill is back on track. It appears that I needed to make a few changes and so I did. And also, apparently, I needed to make a few changes in my personal life, too, like not judging someone that I don’t even know. I didn’t know Pax. I had no right to tell you stay away from him.”

  I am stunned beyond words. I feel like something is sitting on my chest, weighing down my lungs as I stare at my sister. I can’t breathe.

  I grab my water and take a drink, then another.

  “Pax did that?” I finally manage to croak. Maddy nods.

  “But I was sworn to secrecy. He doesn’t want you to know what he did. He was very adamant that when you finally give him another chance, it will be because he earned it on his own merit, not because of this.”

  “Do you know how he’s doing?” I whisper. “Is he okay?”

  Madison nods. “I went to his house to meet with his business advisor. He and I chatted for a while. His main concern was you. He wanted to make sure that you’re okay. He feels like such an ass for hurting you and he’s afraid he’s never going to redeem himself for that. But otherwise, he’s okay. He looks healthy and he’s been seeing Dr. Tyler two times a week. He even said that he and his dad are working things out. I think those are huge strides, Mi.”

  And they are. She really has no idea. She wasn’t there to see the look on Pax’s face when he found out that his dad had hidden everything for years. The gut-wrenching betrayal that lived in his eyes. I really wasn’t sure that he’d ever be able to forgive his father.

  “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I finally admit to her in a whisper, collapsing onto the chair with my sister. She wraps a slender arm around me.

  “Do you love him?” she asks, staring into my eyes. Without hesitation, I nod.

  “Is he worth the heartache and the effort?”

  Her face is grave and somber as she brushes the hair out of my eyes.

  I nod again.

  “Pax is worth anything.”

  Madison smiles. “I thought you would say that. My advice to you then, little sister, is that you go talk to him. He’s trying very hard. I admire that. I have to respect it. And I know he loves you.”

  I am frozen. Utterly frozen. I can practically feel my heart beating in my ears.

  “What are you waiting for?” Maddy asks me gently, pushing at my shoulder. “Go.”

  So I do.

  ********

  The drive to Pax’s house has never taken so long before. But even still, I sit in my car for a couple of minutes after I pull into his drive. Danger is parked in front of me, so I know he is home. I am filled with both breathless anticipation and utter anxiety as I slosh through the muddy snow to his door.

  What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if I took too long to get to this point? What if it’s too late?

  I take a few deep breaths as I stand on Pax’s front porch.

  Deep breath in, deep breath out.

  Repeat.

  I ring the doorbell, then knock. I am suddenly overwhelmed by the need to see his face, to see him healthy and strong. I want to see his eyes without pain in them. My stomach clenches again and again as I wait. It seems to take forever and when the door finally opens, I am breathless.

  For the first time in a month, Pax is standing in front of me, filling up the doorframe.

  He is so beautiful in jeans and a black shirt. No one can carry off casual like he can.

  My knees feel weak.

  His eyes widen when he sees me, but then he smoothes his expression out. He’s casual now, friendly. But cautious. Clearly cautious.

  “Hi, Red,” he says quietly, watching my face. Waiting for me to say something. I am the one who came to see him, after all. I swallow. I have to restrain myself from vaulting into his arms.

  “Hi.”

  Oh my god. I want to say a thousand things and all I say is hi? I’m a lunatic.

  “Can I come in?” I quickly add. Pax smiles and gestures with his arm.

  “Of course. Anytime. You know that. Can I get you something to drink? A water, maybe?”

  Why is he being so formal? My heart twinges a bit. Did I wait too long? Has he moved on?

  The thought practically paralyzes me, but I still manage to decline the water and follow him into his living room. I glance around as I sit. He hasn’t changed his house any. It is still light and airy, a modern loft, perfectly neat and clean. A part of me deep down is relieved. If he hasn’t changed his house, maybe he hasn’t changed his feelings for me.

  Even I know that thought is irrational as hell. But I think I’m grasping at straws.

  “How are you?” I ask, staring at him. “Are you okay?”

  He thrums his long fingers against his denim-clad thigh. He’s still working out. That much is apparent. I can see the hard muscle through the fabric. I gulp.

  He smiles. “I’m doing really well. I won’t lie, though. It’s been hard as hell to wrap my mind around everything. But it’s given me perspective. And this past month, I’ve sort of isolated myself and just focused on things I need to change. I wanted to make sure that I gave you a reason to want to be with me.”

  He pauses.

  And my heart pauses as he looks at me. His golden eyes are so warm and vibrant. How had I ever thought they were cold?

  “I’ve done a lot of thinking, Mila. And you were right to turn me away a month ago. You really were. I’ve spent a lot of time worrying that I’d completely fucked up with you, that you’d never forgive me. Or that I’d hurt you so badly that you’d never want to look at me again.”

  I start to interrupt, but he holds up his hand. “Please. Just let me finish. I’ve thought about what I would say to you a hundred times. I’m so happy to have the chance to say it.”

  I close my mouth and nod. He smiles gently.

  “Mila, I’ve said this before, but you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You are beautiful inside and out. I don’t deserve to have met you. I don’t deserve you in any way. But there’s nothing I want more than to be with you. To wake up beside you for the rest of my life. I am so grateful that you stuck by me for as long as you did. And all I want to know now is what I can do to make you stick with me again? You name it and I’ll do it. Anything.”

  He waits, his eyes glued to mine and I feel overwhelmed by emotion, completely choked up.

  “I haven’t waited too long?” I finally manage to say. Pax looks surprised.

  “What do you mean?” he asks bewilderedly. “Of course not. I said I would wait forever for you. I meant it.”

  Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I launch myself into his arms. We fold into each other and I bury myself against his chest. He smells the same, like the outdoors and the fresh air. I inhale him and then he tilts my chin up, his lips meeting mine.

  As I lose myself in his kiss, I know that I never want to be anywhere but here, wrapped in Pax’s arms.

  It’s where I belong.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Pax

  Mila sleeps curled on my lap. W
e’ve been curled up on the couch together all day and now into the evening. Her head is resting against my chest, and so it is with extreme caution that I reach for the phone, careful not to jostle her around and wake her.

  Speaking softly, I order an enormous amount of Chinese food for delivery. Looking down at Mila, I quickly add dessert to our order. She needs to eat. She’s lost weight. The curves that used to fit perfectly into my hands have become too thin.

  As I hang up the phone, I feel guilty about that. She was under stress because of me.

  Staring down, I stroke the hair away from her brow, watching her lips puff out with each breath. It’s a trait about her that is cute as hell. She seems so innocent, like a child. She chooses this moment to open her eyes. They widen as she realizes that I’m awake.

  “Hi,” she murmurs, sitting up. I keep my arms wrapped around her.

  “Hi,” I tell her with a smile. “Did you sleep well?”

  She nods guiltily, like she’s ashamed of sleeping the day away.

  “You needed the sleep,” I tell her. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself.”

  She looks sheepish. “I had trouble sleeping,” she answers defensively.

  “I know,” I tell her softly. “I did, too. But we’ll sleep better now, I promise.”

  She stares at me. “Have your nightmares gone away?”

  “Surprisingly, yes,” I answer. “For the most part. I’ve had a couple since I was hypnotized, but not many. Even though it’s been painful, remembering everything really was cathartic. Once I started talking about it and processing it, I’ve been able to put some of my issues to bed.”

  “You must be talented,” she tells me, taking my words from a long time ago. “Sometimes issues don’t want to sleep.”

  I smile. “You’re right. Sometimes issues are insomniacs from hell. But mine are behaving for now. Let’s hope they stay that way.”

  “I’m sure they will,” Mila answers confidently. “Because you’re talented. You’ll whip them into shape.”

  She snuggles into my neck and I pull her even closer. “I don’t think I’m ever going to let you off my lap,” I tell her. “So I hope you’re comfortable.”

  She giggles. “You say that now, until your legs fall asleep.”

  “You let me worry about that,” I tell her. “You weigh five pounds now. And by the way, we have food coming. You’re going to eat all of it.”

  She giggles again. “You let me worry about that.”

  But after the delivery guy comes and I let Mila get off my lap, she does end up eating everything I put on her plate. I try to make her take seconds, but she refuses. I let it slide. I’ll have all the time in the world now to feed her.

  “I have something for you,” I tell her as we put our dishes into the dishwasher. She straightens up.

  “Oh? I don’t need anything, though. I have everything I need now.”

  And by that, she means me. My heart swells.

  “I have everything I need now, too,” I assure her. “And you’re never going anywhere which is why I’m giving this to you.”

  She stares at me curiously and I lead her to the second floor, positioning her in front of a closed door.

  “You’re giving me a guest bedroom?” she cocks an eyebrow as she turns to look at me. “You don’t want to sleep with me anymore?”

  “Just open the door, Sassy Pants.”

  She smiles and turns the knob, pushing it open. And then she gasps.

  I transformed a guest room into a studio for her. An entire wall of windows face the lake, flooding the room with light. Two easels, built-in shelves filled with every possible art supply she could ever need, a sitting area and I even had skylights installed for nights when the moon is overhead.

  Mila is frozen.

  “Aren’t you going to say anything?” I ask. “Cat got your tongue?”

  She smiles slowly, mischievously. “I thought we already established that the cat most definitely doesn’t have my tongue.”

  Memories from the night on my kitchen floor stir my groin and I quickly think of other things. Dead puppies, nuns, cold fish.

  Once my groin is under control, I tug on her hand, leading her from shelf to shelf.

  “I wanted you to have everything you would need to paint here,” I tell her. “Did I forget anything?”

  She spins around, looking at everything.

  “This is amazing,” she breathes. “You didn’t forget a thing. But you must’ve been working on this for a while. What if… what if we hadn’t worked things out?”

  I wrap my arms around her from behind.

  “That wasn’t an option,” I answer. “It was never an option. Love never fails, Mila. And I’ll never fail you again. That’s a promise.”

  I pull her around so that she is looking at me with her gorgeous green eyes.

  “Mila, that day in your shop almost crushed me. When you said no to me, I didn’t know if I would survive it, but I knew I had to. I knew that I had to change, for me and for you. And I think I have. I’m still working on it… it’s going to be a process. But I’m willing to put in the work. Forever, if that’s what it takes. So…I’m going to ask you again, babe. Stay with me. Stay with me here in my house. It’s only a five minute drive to your shop when it’s open. And you can use this studio for your art. I promise to try not to snore. And to put the toilet seat down. Most of the time, anyway. Just stay with me. Please. I never want to be away from you again.”

  Mila stares at me, her eyes glittering. “On one condition.”

  I feel the breath freeze on my lips. “Name it.”

  “I get to paint you nude any time I want.”

  A chuckle rumbles through my chest and I grab her, crushing my lips to hers.

  “Any time,” I mumble against her mouth. “You can do anything to me at all, actually. Nude or otherwise.”

  She laughs and I lift her up. Her legs wrap around my waist…right where they belong as her fingers rake through my hair.

  “Yes,” she tells me breathlessly. “Yes. I’ll stay with you.”

  We tumble to the floor, grasping at each other, breathing each other in. Mila’s tongue slips into my mouth, her breath sweet and warm. Her hands clutch me, pulling me closer and closer.

  Her legs are wrapped around me and I moan as she strokes me. Then my lips are on her neck, her collarbone, her breasts. After a few heated minutes, she pulls my face back up to hers.

  With her forehead pressed to mine, she whispers, “I love you.”

  I grin against her lips.

  “I know.”

  I quickly roll over with her in my arms and I hover above her before I slide my hand between her legs. She is panting within a minute and calling my name within two.

  I smile again and as she pulls me to her, I enter her slowly and sweetly.

  I groan from the sheer, raw pleasure of it.

  The amount of love in this room is incredible; it is thick and almost tangible. It is mind-blowing to me. I’ve never made love to any other woman before. It was always fucking in its most primal. It was never like this…so achingly sweet.

  Until now.

  With each stroke that I take, warmth swells in my chest until I feel I can’t contain it. I clutch Mila to me gently, not wanting to release her even for a moment. And when I am finally throbbing into her, I wrap her in my arms and we stay enmeshed together for what seems like forever, sticky and wet.

  “That was perfect,” she tells me sleepily, her fingers playing with mine.

  “You’re perfect,” I answer, closing my eyes. I don’t even worry about the fact that it’s a pussy thing to say. It’s the truth.

  Mila snuggles into my side and lays her head on my chest. Eventually her breathing grows rhythmic as she slips into sleep and I hover on the edge of drifting off myself.

  My last conscious thought is that Mila did what she promised. She chased my nightmares away. It’s because of her that I even went to see Dr. Tyler. If I hadn’t, I never
would have remembered what happened to my mother. And if I hadn’t remembered that, I never would have fixed the hole in my heart.

  I never would have been whole.

  Mila did that.

  I’ll never tell her because she would just wave her hand and tell me that I’m the one who fixed things, that I put in the work. She never takes enough credit. So I’ll just have to love her every day of her life as a thank you. It’s enough that I know the truth.

  And I’ll never hide from the truth again.

  It can’t hurt me anymore.

  Epilogue

  Twelve Months Later

  Mila

  The letter that I hold in my hands is old and yellowed and precious. Tears blur my vision as I read it and I slowly wipe them away, careful not to smudge my makeup. I set it aside and look up at my sister.

  “So much has happened this year,” I say softly. Maddy nods in agreement.

  “Yeah,” she agrees with a laugh. “Who would have thought that I’d actually grow to love Pax?”

  I roll my eyes. “How could you not? He’s amazing. He’s done everything that he promised he would.”

  And he did. True to his word, Pax continued to see Dr. Tyler. He put in so much work on changing the way he handles things and communicates that I couldn’t be prouder of him, and our relationship couldn’t be more healthy or whole. He’s beautiful, inside and out. He completely gave up whiskey and drugs. The only thing he touches now is wine at dinner, with me.

  “I can’t believe he gave up Jack Daniels,” Madison says wryly, shaking her head. “That blew me away. Especially when all of that legal stuff was going on with his mother’s killer. It was so stressful. But he never even blinked. He didn’t mess up once. I have to say, I’m impressed with him, Sis. Truly.”

  I nod absently, thinking about how hard that ‘legal stuff’ had been for Pax to deal with.

  Leroy Ellison is the name of the mail man who violated Susanna Tate. DNA evidence proved it within a 99.900% level of accuracy and Pax identified him in a line-up, in addition to describing the snake tattoo on Leroy’s hip.

  Leroy is in jail now, awaiting trial. The Tate family attorneys don’t expect the trial to last long, since the evidence is conclusive.