The second cringe-worthy moment happens at the red light not three minutes farther down the road. Harriet Burns, my mom’s beautician (and the woman responsible for giving me my first terrible perm), pulls up next to us at one of only a handful of stoplights in the whole town.
“Maddy! Oh, you’re here! And is this him?! Oh, it must be! Hi! We can’t wait to meet you later!! Bye, sweetheart.” Of course, town gossip Harriet would have heard about Craig’s visit and has no doubt spread the news to anyone sitting in her chair for a roller set.
The best part of that whole interaction was that Harriet didn’t stop talking the entire time, so there was no room to get a word in edgewise. Not that I would have had much to say if she’d paused for air. I haven’t really worked out yet how to introduce Craig around. Yes, we’re dating, but he’s definitely not at “boyfriend” status. And yet, here he is with me in our hometown. And we do want to tell a few people about the idea of a reality show. I mean, we’re not here to secretly put them on tape without their knowing, but that isn’t exactly the kind of thing you blurt out at a traffic light. Luckily I don’t have to cross that hurdle quite yet, as the light turns green and Harriet jets off. I look at Craig and he’s grinning at me. “I don’t know who that is, but she’s got to be on the show. I can already tell Wolf County is going to deliver.”
I regale him with more stories about Harriet, like the time she chased her son, Eric, across the entire neighborhood because he tried to ditch out on detention. In her pajamas. I get to the part where he’s hanging on to the streetlamp as she and the local aging sheriff take both his feet and pull as hard as they can when someone grabbed a picture and sent it to the town paper. We’re both still laughing when we finally get to the mountain. Since it’s off-season and things are slow, my dad only checks in a few times a week, but Mike will be there. There’s no snow yet this early in the season, but it’s still beautiful. As we pull up in the parking lot and Craig looks around in appreciative awe, I can tell that he agrees.
“See those trails coming down from the top of the run? We rent mountain bikes and operate the trails for biking in the summer. It’s closed down for the season now, but we get a lot of adventure seekers in the summer months too.”
Dad left the side door unlocked for us, so I take him past the ski rental window and the lift ticket booths.
“Have you guys upgraded to the card system? They have that in Colorado. It’s amazing.”
Awkward moment number three begins right now, I think, as my brother appears just in time to hear Craig unknowingly bring up a touchy subject. My dad and brother almost ruined Christmas last year fighting over whether or not they should invest the money to do the upgrade this summer. Obviously my dad won, and it didn’t happen. And Mike is still pissed about it.
“Mike, this is Craig.” I know I’m doing that overly upbeat voice to try to cover the tense moment, but I just can’t help it. My not-so-subtle squeezing of Mike’s upper arm is a silent warning: Be nice.
Mike doesn’t even glance at me as he reaches out his hand. “Hey, Craig. Gotta be honest, Maddy sort of sprung this on us last week. So we’re all just trying to get warmed up to the idea.”
Mike is not exactly giving off warm vibes.
“Oh, well, that’s all right.” Craig looks over at me. “I thought we were going to tell everyone together anyway. But I guess she decided to get a head start. Sounds like Maddy, right?” He forces a laugh.
Even though I am annoyed that Craig is talking about me like I’m not standing right there, I am more than a little relieved that he misunderstood Mike’s comment. Clearly, Craig thinks I talked to my family about the idea of a reality show, which I haven’t. Mike is referring to me announcing to my family a few days ago that I’m bringing a guy I’m dating up here. He’s doing the intimidating-big-brother thing, which is, fortunately, going right over Craig’s head.
“Mike, I was going to give Craig a tour of the lodge and then head over to Mom and Dad’s.” I start walking down the extra-wide front hallway, meant to accommodate skiers and snowboarders and their equipment. My voice echoes like crazy in the empty space. “See you there?”
“Yep, I’ll be there for dinner. See you later, Maddy. Craig.” Mike disappears back inside his office. I smile apologetically as I lead Craig toward the main area of the lodge.
“Sorry about that. My brother has always been really overprotective of me.”
“Of course he is.” Craig smiles, but his eyes are already scanning the central gathering area for the lodge. He pulls his fancy Canon out of its leather case and starts taking pictures of the Claw Café, its cute seating areas clustered around a gorgeous stone fireplace.
“This place is always busy in season. Skiers warming up during the day, all the way through après drinks after the lifts close.”
“The younger set? Like romantic hookups or like families?” I can tell Craig is setting the stage, trying to picture the “scene.” I collapse into one of the cozy oversized leather love seats.
“A little of everything. During the day, a lot of families come through here, but they don’t stay long. The kids usually gravitate toward the few video games we have in the other main dining area. And I think families prefer to eat at the tables we have set up in front of the big windows looking at the mountain.” I point in the general direction of the dining area. “Since the main bar is here, there are a lot of adults, couples, singles, who come through. You’re right, the ski bunnies stake out these comfy sofas, and there are always love connections.” I smile, thinking of the time when I caught—
“It would be a great b-story for the show. Don’t you think?” Craig says. He presses his phone to activate Siri. “Start a list: party games and socializing at Claw Café.”
Instinctively, I reach for my notebook, only to realize I left it back in the car. I feel a wave of separation anxiety.
Craig turns to me, oblivious to my anxiety. “This is great. Who’s your bartender? Or maybe we can cast someone great, you know? Plan bar games for the nights we’re shooting here, get the locals involved. We can generate some great story from that.”
“We have a couple of terrific bartenders who work for us in the winter. I’m not sure who’s committed to stay for this next season, but I’m sure they’d love to do it.”
It’s been so strange referring to the people in my life, my hometown, as I would with The Wrong Doctor, as a series of story lines and characters. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to it.
“Exactly. And you said that your parents and the older set hang out at”—Craig scrolls down on his phone—“Pete’s Tavern?” He looks up at me for confirmation.
“Yeah, where we had my mom’s birthday. That’s kinda the old-school watering hole for their generation.”
“Yes, yes, love it.” Craig is making notes again, this time typing into the phone instead of speaking to Siri. “Let’s keep going.”
He grabs my hand and pulls me up from the deep couch, the same one I used to nap on when I was a kid. We walk past the clothing store, locked behind sliding glass doors. Ironically called “Left Behind,” the store has all the basic necessities of skiing, everything from socks to lip balm for desperate skiers who show up only to realize they forgot some piece of equipment crucial to surviving the elements. Craig pauses to snap a picture of me underneath the sign.
“My mom used to work here. She ran this shop when I was a kid.”
“What about you? Did you work here after school?”
“Me? No way. I wanted to be out on the mountain. I started teaching ski school when I was thirteen.”
We spend the next two hours hanging out at the lodge and batting around ideas. I have to say, Craig’s enthusiasm, which is growing by the minute, is infectious. I’m glad we did some reconnaissance before sitting down to pitch to my parents. I know I’ll do a much better job selling this idea to my family if I truly think it could work. After this tour, I am a lot more convinced.
“You think your parents
will be a hard sell?” Craig asks as we get in the car and head over to dinner.
I fasten my seat belt. “I guess we’re about to find out.”
Scene 006
Ext. Carson family home—evening
“Well, knock me down and steal my teeth!” My dad comes bounding out of the front door and sweeps me into a bear hug. He bellows back toward the house, “Maddy’s home!” He lets me go and turns to Craig, who’s awkwardly watching this embrace. “So, Maddy, are you going to introduce us?”
“Yes, Dad. This is Craig. Craig, I want you to meet my father, Jack Carson.”
“Pleased to meet you, Jack.” Craig steps in and shakes his hand. One of my dad’s favorite ways to judge a guy is by his handshake. He loves to tell the story about how he knew not to trust some banker in Sacramento who was later splashed all over the local papers caught in a fraud scheme. “His handshake was weaker than a chipmunk in the winter,” Dad would chortle every time he retold the story. I can’t read his face so I’m not sure whether Craig passed or not. I can’t read my dad’s face before we’re all heading into the living room to join my mom, who’s still wiping her hands on a dish towel as she comes out of the kitchen with Mike.
“Craig, we’ve heard so much about you,” my mom lies by way of hello. She brushes a quick kiss on my cheek, but it doesn’t even slow her down on her way over to Craig. This is beyond embarrassing. I realize now I should’ve been bringing random guys up here every weekend for the last ten years to immunize my parents to this. Instead, since Craig is the first, he’s getting this full-on alien treatment.
Craig makes small talk with my parents while Mike stays mostly silent. My mom finally gets us on track for the evening. “Dear, why don’t you and Maddy make drinks for everyone? We can continue this conversation out back.”
“Are you going to be making a round of Waxy Sours?” Craig laughs. “Maddy told me about them. I was hoping to try one.”
“Waxy Sours. Coming right up.” My dad is thrilled. Mike groans and my mom chuckles, leading the way outside.
As my brother slides the screen door shut behind him, he looks at me and mouths the words “suck-up.” I stick out my tongue at him. Sometimes that’s the only way to handle a brother. Craig is clearly good at this meeting-the-parents thing. It’s nice watching him listen so intently to my dad, who is showing him how to make the drink. And when he raises his glass and smiles, toasting me before taking his first sip, my cheeks get pink. I’ve forgotten how nice it feels to have a guy in your life. I could get used to this.
We get settled with our drinks around the red wooden picnic table with requisite wobbly benches. The charcoal is preheating, making the whole backyard smell delicious.
“So how are you liking Wolf County, Craig?” my mom asks. “Not what you’re used to in LA, I’m sure.”
My mom is the queen of easy social chitchat. She is utterly incapable of feeling awkward. It’s a gift I wish I inherited.
“It’s beautiful here. Maddy took me to see the mountain. I’m sure it’s amazing with snow.”
“Well, we think it’s amazing all year.” Mike obviously did not get his conversational skills from our mom. I kick him under the table.
“Of course we do, dear,” Mom steps in smoothly and covers. “The snow is what the tourists know and, we rely on it for their business. But the locals are a bit sensitive. We like to think it’s just as nice in the summer as the winter.”
Craig takes my mom’s olive branch and runs with it. “I didn’t mean it like that… it’s incredible now too.” He shoots me a help me look.
“We only had time to check out the lodge and look around. We’re going to maybe go for a hike tomorrow and go into town. And I’m hoping Brian will organize a trip to the hot springs or something.” I say this casually, as if I don’t have a specific list of exactly what we’re doing minute by minute all weekend. It’s been tough narrowing it down. We only have two days, so the list in my notebook looks something like:
Must Do
Ski lodge
Hot springs
Pete’s Tavern
Maybe
Gordon’s taxidermy
Hike the mountain
See the lake
If There’s Time
Go to art walk (all the local vendors showcase their wares in the town square)
“Sounds like you have a busy schedule planned. No time to relax and actually enjoy it,” Dad says.
“Dear, I’m sure Maddy just wants to make sure Craig gets all the best Wolf County has to offer.” Mom turns to Craig. “And that’s just it. In the winter, there is amazing skiing, but in the summer, there are so many things to do. And it sounds like Maddy is getting it all in on this weekend.”
“Yeah, a regular Wally World trip,” Mike pipes in, knowing the Chevy Chase reference will egg me on. Normally any mention of the movie Vacation sends me into an extended movie-quoting frenzy.
“It’s going to be great.” Loftily, I ignore Mike’s dig. “It’s like you said, Mom, I just want to make sure I hit all the high points for Craig.” I take a breath… this is sort of the opportunity I’ve been waiting for.
“Because actually, Craig and I aren’t just here for fun.” I reflexively take Craig’s hand. “We wanted to talk to you about something. Something… big.” I pause and look at Craig, hoping he’ll jump in. When he doesn’t, I continue nervously. “Well, Craig keeps telling me how much he loves my…”
“OH!” my mom gasps, and puts both hands over her mouth as I stop mid-thought to stare at her, wondering what happened.
“Well now, who would’ve thought… this… it’s so sudden, honey.” My dad sort of gruffly puts his arm around my mom. I look at them. What the hell are they talking about? Mike is just staring at me blankly. Craig looks like a deer in the headlights and slides his hand out from mine. Then it all clicks. I turn bright red in a nanosecond.
“Mrs. Carson, um, we’re not… That’s not what Maddy was going to say,” Craig says gently. “I mean, not that I wouldn’t, it’s just that I, we… that is…”
“MOM! Oh my GOD! This is so embarrassing. Craig and I are just dating!” Awkwardly, I get up from the bench. Since I’m squeezed between Craig and Mike, I have to twist my knees to slip out. Suddenly I’m suffocating.
“I meant that we’re here for work. GOD.” I run my hands through my hair and cover my face as I pace. “We are working on an idea for HCP. My idea, actually. That’s why we’re here. But Craig thinks it’s a really good one… to see if maybe Wolf County would be a good location for a reality show.”
So maybe I shouldn’t have just blurted it out like that. I certainly had planned to ease into the subject and softball it to them. But under duress, it just all came pouring out. Craig steps into the awkward silence. As he charmingly describes the concept of the Wolf County reality show to my parents, I see why Craig is so good at what he does. He is definitely in his comfort zone, painting a picture of the best-case scenario, of how amazing this show could be, bringing the pitch alive.
“That sounds so interesting, Craig. Really.” My mom responds with genuine enthusiasm. “But do you really think people in this town are going to want to be on TV? I mean, no one here is like the Kardinians.”
“Kardashians, Mom.” I correct her because Craig is clearly too taken aback by her naïveté to explain. Mike covers his laugh with a cough.
“Well, the idea is a bit different than shows like The Kardashians,” Craig says. “But it is in the docudrama category. From the way Maddy has described it, there are so many fascinating people here who would make very compelling TV. Just the folks I met today… Harriet? Henry? They are so great. And I imagine, like other tourist towns, the economic downturn has been hard on Wolf. I think audiences could really get behind a town banding together to get through these tough times. There’s lots of precedent to prove that being a part of a show like this could really help the community by driving tourism.”
I see Dad catch Mom’s eye and know
this particular angle is really resonating. Craig continues. “That’s the best part! As we go around pitching this idea to people, we have real evidence to back it up. Shows like this have helped make the people on them very successful.”
No question my parents and even my brother were stopped in their tracks by Craig’s persuasive case. The truth is, even if my parents were reluctant, they really don’t have much of a choice but to give this a try, given what it could mean financially. As my dad grills burgers and we tuck into dinner, the conversation turns to specifics. Even Mike can’t help himself and jumps in, asking questions and suggesting ideas. It’s not a slam-dunk, but it seems the Carsons are on board with the show. Although the jury is still out in terms of what they think of Craig as boyfriend material. I’m a little relieved that they are so focused on the reality show and Craig as TV producer, not as a future son-in-law.
“I’ll tell you what,” my dad says suddenly, taking a bite of potato salad. “It means a lot to me that Hogan is behind you on this. He’s smarter than a pocket on a shirt, and he cares about Wolf.”
My stomach drops. Of course my parents would bring up Hogan! Shit, shit, shit. This is not how I wanted Craig to find out. Then my mom pipes in, “I agree, honey. I can’t wait to ask him about it. If this show has a chance, it’ll be because Hogan is a part of it and the people here respect him.”
Craig has stopped eating and has a confused smile on his face.
“Yeah, so, Craig, my parents actually know Hogan,” I begin casually, hoping he won’t make a big thing out of this in front of my family.
“He’s been coming up to Wolf since Maddy was a kid. He never mentioned it?” my mom asks. Actually, it is surprising that Hogan didn’t say anything when Craig explained our idea for a show in Wolf.
Scared Scriptless Page 12