by Rena Marks
And the doll.
Creepy. Maybe something was wrong with Pax. Maybe he was into necrophilia or something. As soon as she thought that, she felt somewhat guilty. That wasn’t fair. But dammit, she was still so angry with him.
“Hey, beautiful.”
She started, not even aware that one of the doors had opened. She’d been lying in the skylight, enjoying the bit of sun.
She didn’t need to rise because he plopped down, carefree, next to her. She knew this personality.
“Happy.”
He looked pleased. “That’s what they call me. Let’s get this out of the way so we can get back to normal, shall we? I’m sorry, my pretty. So very sorry that I allowed you to believe I was Pax. But somewhat relieved to have you know that I’m me. That I’m separate. And I’m thrilled beyond belief that you recognize me.”
He casually stretched out alongside her, the way he had many, many times before.
“I’d miss you, Happy, if I stayed mad. But I can’t pretend that I’m not angrier at Pax than everyone else. I think it’s because all of you—shards—have been more open with me than Pax.”
He whistled low, then smiled broadly. “That’s saying a lot, considering you had Grumpy here.”
She couldn’t help but smile. “Don’t call him Grumpy.”
If possible, his smile grew wider. “Impatience, then. You like him, huh?”
She squirmed. “This is so weird. It’s like a lover asking me if I like his brother.”
His smile dropped. “I know. It is weird. And we are like brothers—but we’re more. We’re each other, too. It’s hard to describe. While some of us have a little jealousy—or maybe that’s a strong word. Rivalry might be better. I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable but I’m glad you’re interested in him. It means you’re also interested in me.”
At that moment, she realized that with his sunny disposition, she never worried that he suffered from self-doubt. But like Impatience had said, they were all basically the same person. They all had varying degrees of self-doubt—some more than others.
“Happy, I’ve been interested in you since the day I saw you. The way you always try to bring the outside indoors to me. The pictures of all the babies. The barbecues where you bring me food from the outside world. The fact that you were the first one to…well…”
“Are you blushing? You can’t relay the fact that I gave you an orgasm? After all we’ve been through? Impatience really had an effect on you.” He laughed.
She laughed, too. “He did,” she admitted. “He rubbed off on me.” Something in that statement rang true. Then she laughed harder. “Poor Impatience.”
“We teased him,” he says. “He sounded like a prudish little old lady, asking how many of us have been dallying with you sexually.” He used air quotes to punctuate the phrase.
She laughed out loud. “Poor guy. You all stop teasing him! He was so brave, coming out here to be the first one to break the ice.”
“Ugh, if I’d have known he was going to score points for that, I’d have volunteered.” His hand casually tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Rena,” he whispered.
“Happy.”
“You don’t know how happy it makes me to hear you refer to me by my own name.”
“That’s what Impatience said.”
“I guess we all feel the same way.”
She waited for him to tell her what he needed to get off his chest.
“I missed you. I can’t even describe how it felt when I thought you were so mad you’d never talk to us again.”
“I’m not sure I could have stayed away,” she admitted.
“Do you think that one day, you can see yourself as mated to…us? Even if it’s just one of us?”
She felt her eyes grow wide. “I—I honestly don’t know. I wouldn’t rule it out, Happy. I care for you all, even if it’s in different ways. I just hadn’t thought of a mating. Humans don’t really do that. We become boyfriend and girlfriend. Someday we marry.”
“As long as you’re not ruling it out, I’m okay with that. If you don’t think it’s too weird that we’re all a part of Pax.”
“I don’t think that’s weird at all.”
“Would you find it weird to be with one of us and not all of us? Say Pax wasn’t included in the mix.”
“Are you saying he’s not interested?”
“No, no.”
“It would not be weird if I was interested in one of you. I don’t see why I’d have to date you all just to be with one. I also don’t see why I’d have to cut out most of you if I was interested in everyone, I guess. There are no real rules here, is there? You all are pretty unique.”
He smiled triumphantly. “That’s what Robyn said. It takes a unique person to be with a Xeno Sapien.”
“Yes, well, I’m lying here with you naked as the day I was born. I’d say I’m kind of unique.”
He grinned. “Remember the meeting I told you about? Robyn had also told us that Pax had to remember you were cut off from the entire world. That he would be your entire world. Some feelings on your end were bound to come about.”
“I can see that,” Serena nodded. “But I know what I feel. It isn’t sensory deprivation. It isn’t love by exposure.”
He nodded. “Pax will need some convincing, so be patient. What am I saying? You know Impatience and he’s part of Pax.” They both laughed. “Pax wants to work on making you a bubble suit that’s opaque so you can go out. He wants to make sure this isn’t about your deprivation from outside contact. Unfortunately, that isn’t as easy as it seems. An opaque bubble would cover your face and leave you blind, wouldn’t it?”
“Is there a way to end it at my neck? My original skin is from the shoulders up.”
His eyes drifted down to the line of demarcation at her shoulders. “That’s a thought,” he said finally. One hand came out to trace the line, making her shiver. “Organic compounds can enter the bubble so you can eat. How about if it can attach to an inorganic compound…like a necklace? Sealing itself around that? Though there could be a problem if the necklace shifts while attaching. We can work on that problem. I’ll mention it to the others.”
“It would be exciting,” she agreed, ignoring the way his finger traced her skin and quickened her breathing.
“There’s a certain freedom in having you know I’m me, instead of Pax,” Happy said. “I love that you know it’s me who wants you.”
“Happy…”
“I was the first one to give you an orgasm, Rena,” he murmured, leaning over her to place a bubble-wrapped kiss just under her ear. “I know how you like it.”
“Yes,” she hissed. “And I know what you like.”
Sexy, handsome, Happy—aspect of Pax—liked to dry hump her. Liked to imagine himself pumping into her.
In the days that followed, one by one, Pax’s aspects came out to introduce themselves to her. There wasn’t any awkwardness, since they all knew her. And she supposed, she knew them, too. It all made sense now as to why it felt like Pax was different people.
And in the weeks that followed, they were all somewhat relieved at not having to pretend to be Pax anymore. They continued to work on the bubble idea, though no one mentioned any progress. And she hadn’t yet seen Pax—not since the fight over the sex-doll.
But she was never alone. Today’s aspect was Vain, who’d already been outrageous. He’d told her he was first interested in her because he knew her stunning good looks would complement his.
He had her giggling for hours before he mentioned that in a different life, if he had a choice, he’d have been a singer.
“Singer?”
“Yes,” Vain said, nodding. “Computer. Play Amanda’s playlist. Old Earth. Country genre.”
A strange, crooning tune cranked from the walls.
“What is this?” she asked.
“Music.” He shrugged. “I think. At least, this is what they used to listen to. I’m assured it was quite popular in its day.�
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He began to sway to the strange beat. “Come on, gorgeous. Dance with me.”
“I don’t know how.”
“You’ll learn. I did. And I told you I can sing.”
She raised her eyebrows, but he closed his eyes, placed his hand over his heart, and took a deep breath, making quite the theatrical show.
“Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble. When you're perfect in every way. I can't wait to look in the mirror. ‘Cause I get better looking each day.”
What the—? She burst out laughing. He did have a deep, sexy, rumbling voice. But the lyrics were ridiculous. Not to mention the twanky tune.
He reached for her hand and twirled her around, then brought her close to him again.
“To know me is to love me. Well, I must be a hell of a man. Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble. But, I’m doing the best that I can.”
She giggled as he tucked her against him to dance for a bit and then twirled her again to the clanky wail of the music. When he brought her close, he tucked her head against his chin and wrapped his arms around her possessively and dropped his voice deeper. He sang in her ear.
“I guess you could say I'm a loner. A cowboy out lone, tough, and proud. I could have lots of friends if I wanted. But then I wouldn't stand out from the crowd. Some folks say that I'm egotistical. Hell, I don't even know what that means. I guess it has something to do…with the way that I fill out my skin-tight jeans.”
He took her palm and placed it right on the bulge in the front of his pants. At her gasp, he dipped her, smiling at her burst of outright laughter as she jerked her hand away, pretending indignance instead of acknowledging the thrill that shot down to her core.
“Vain! Where the hell did you learn that ridiculous song?” she asked. “And who taught you how to dance?”
“Amanda,” he said simply. “Renegade’s mate. She was our—Pax’s—doctor before we were rescued. She had Pax and Renegade in her care while Robyn had Steele and Beast. Since she’s familiar to us, the aspects sometimes go hang out with her.”
“Tell me she didn’t teach you all that song?”
“Nah, it was just me,” he grinned. “It seemed fitting.”
He was so happy. So much like…Happy.
“Vain?” she asked, letting him continue to hold her, swaying softly as the computer played the soft, old music.
“Hmm, gorgeous?”
“Did you see Happy before you came to see me?”
“Yup,” he drawled in his fake cowboy accent. “I left him working with Impatience while I came in here to visit with you. They were at each other’s throats.”
Of course, they would be. But by the end of their time together, Happy wouldn’t be so bubbly and Impatience wouldn’t be so peevish. It was like the colors red and blue coming together and walking away purple.
That was why Pax seemed to be the only one who stood out. As much as Vain crooned about being a loner, it was Pax who was a loner. He kept his aspects at arm’s length. The others helped each other, even when they were opposite personalities.
And none of them seemed aware of it.
“We’re really close to getting you that suit made,” Vain whispered against her hair. “I can’t wait to see your face when you experience outside again. All of us want to be present.”
“I’d love that,” she said, squeezing her arms around him. They stood like that for a long time.
For the first time it dawned on her. She was in love.
With all of them. But how could that be? How would that work? Especially when Pax still did his best to ignore her?
Chapter Nine
SHE USED THE SONIC cleanse frequently before bed because the vibrations left her highly-sensitized nerve endings relaxed enough to lay down on the cooling bed for a good night’s sleep.
She woke hours later to find Pax in the lounge chair next to her bed. She knew it was him—he was the one who usually took the night shifts in her room. At least, he had before she’d discovered the others.
“What are you doing here?” she whispered. Had he been coming by before now and she hadn’t noticed?
“I wanted to see you,” he said softly. “I didn’t think I’d wake you.”
“You hoped I’d sleep through your visit?”
He took a deep breath. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“I know you’re happier with the others than with me right now.”
She stretched, sensing rather than seeing his eyes on her breasts. “So when were you going to smooth things over?”
“It’s not that easy,” he growled, reminding her of Impatience.
She masked her smirk. “Isn’t it? The others already have.”
If anything, he sounded even grouchier. “Yeah, well, the others weren’t caught fucking a doll made in your image. Besides, how does that make me feel—that you prefer the others to me?”
“And that’s where talking through things makes a relationship, Pax. If you talked to me, you’d know I don’t prefer anyone to you. I have feelings—different feelings for all of your shards. But that doesn’t mean I prefer one over another.”
“We’re all basically the same being, you know.”
“I know. But you’re also different.” She sat up in bed, swinging her legs over the side.
In the lounge chair, he sat still. She dropped to her feet, moved the couple of feet over to him and sat herself in his lap. Slowly she lowered her head to fit in the crook of his neck, aware that at the last moment, he’d opened his arms to fit her snugly against him. And then she melded perfectly onto his body.
“Just let me hold you,” he whispered. “We’ll talk tomorrow. I promise.”
“Mmm.”
She swore she felt his arms tighten around her. Just before she fell asleep, she realized this was where she wanted to be most in the whole wide world.
As she slowly woke, she became aware of his breathing. It wasn’t deep and steady, signaling sleep, but even. Content. One of his hands gently caressed her outer thigh. Like he owned her.
She wondered if he even realized it.
Pax was awake, but holding her. Letting her sleep.
“Awake?” he whispered, aware that her breathing had changed.
“Yeah. I’m sorry, you must be cramped.”
She could swear his arms tightened around her, briefly. “Not at all. You weigh about as much as a twig. And I’m comfortable.” The tone, rather than the words, conveyed a wealth of meaning. Now that she knew about all of his aspects, she knew Pax. Pax wasn’t a comfortable person. The fact that she brought him comfort—calm—said more than he even knew.
She relaxed her head on his shoulder, aware she could feel his pulse thumping gently. His body gave off warmth and his breathing was rhythmic.
But the sunlight shone in through the skylight. She had to get to her morning routine or she’d pay for her error all day. Her nerve endings would get more and more sensitive as the day wore on unless she gave them a dose of steady vibration.
“I need to jump into the sonic cleanse. Would you like to come with me?”
“I will.”
She knew he couldn’t get into the sonic unit, not with the bubble suit. But he would stand and watch her shower.
As they entered the small room, she twisted her hair into a small knot. It was much shorter now—ever since the fire that still gave her nightmares. The ends had been caught in the fire the burned her body. That was one of her first memories of Pax. She knew he worried that the few minutes after she met him, she faced the fire—therefore projecting that his face triggered memories of her tragedy. She knew he worried that it was his fault she was burned so horribly, having just removed the fire-retardant cape from her body. But that wasn’t what she focused on. Her focus was the fact that Pax had been there. He was there to save her, he was there to bring her to his lab, he was there to create her bio-film, and he was there in the middle of the night each time she had a nightmare. It was his voice that soothed her back to sleep. He
, who turned up the cooling gel of the mattress to soothe her over-stimulated nerve endings when she had a particularly aching day.
He, who she wanted with every fiber of her being but could never have because of some misguided issue he had of her growing dependent on him. So, dammit, she was just going to make him want her so bad he wouldn’t care about his ridiculous fear. She lived through fire, dammit. She could do this.
She stepped into the sonic frame and stretched her arms up on the cool tiles to rest her head on her forearms. The pose elongated her body, lifted her breasts, pushed out the curves of her rear.
And she kept her eyes on him, so he couldn’t look away. So he was forced to interact.
He coughed lightly. “I’m—uh—sorry about Serena Model APB-795. I shouldn’t have made her in your image. I’m sure that was a shock.”
“There’s no need to be sorry, Pax. You’re welcome to make anything you wish. It was surprising to see my own face and body staring back at me. A little creepy, you know? And I don’t know, I guess I felt hurt and confused. You kept rejecting me…yet giving me orgasms. And then I find you fucking a doll. I know, you didn’t realize it was the others giving me the orgasms instead.”
“Not my best moment. I was jealous of them. And embarrassed that I was caught fucking a doll.” Embarrassment made his voice softer.
“Maybe not yours. But for me? It was kind of a sexy moment now that I look back on it. I imagine I’ll never get that image out of my mind. Stuffy, scientist Pax, all muscular and sweaty, thrusting his hips like a dancer in a nightclub.”
He gave a short bark of laughter. “You make me sound like Lust.”
“You are. You have a bit of him in you, Pax. And a bit of Impatience. And a bit of Happy. And a bit of Taut. And a bit of Vain, I imagine. Though you keep it well-hidden. You see where I’m going with this? This is why I have feelings for you. Feelings for all of them. You’re all a part of each other. Not the same person, but”—she shrugged—“your species was definitely unique. It confuses me and yet makes things clear at the same time.”