by E. S. Carter
Christmas and the New Year have come and gone.
I didn’t accept the position that was offered to me by Havers department store. Liv called Mr Silvester on my behalf and explained that I had been in an ‘accident’ and that my physical recovery would take a while.
He apparently told her to pass on his kindest regards and that if I ever wanted a position in the future, that I was to contact him directly.
His generous offer and kind words made me sad for a few days, I finally found work only for it to be yet another thing that man and that night took away from me.
Yet now, on this cold but bright January day, I feel glad that I didn’t get tied down. One less loose end to wrap up before I finally leave all this behind me.
The only thing left for me to do was choose my first destination and inform my Dad and Liv of my decision.
I know they will try and talk me out of it. My Dad will worry I am only doing it to escape the pain and Liv will feel I’m abandoning her after everything she has done for me.
I am doing neither. Something inside me knows, without any shadow of doubt, that this is what I need to do.
I can create a new me, live a new life and explore a new world. I can finally escape from the shadows as a phoenix does the flames and there is nothing anyone can say, to make me change my mind.
The doorbell rings jolting me from my thoughts. I know who it is before I even answer.
Peering through the front blinds, I can see the familiar florists van blocking our driveway, the same van I was once privileged to drive but that feels like a lifetime ago.
Opening the door, Stella smiles widely at me. Once upon a time she was my boss, now she is my regular Saturday morning visitor, bringing Jake’s flowers every week by 10am.
‘Hey Em, How are you today?’ Stella stands there holding the prettiest bouquet of daisies and wildflowers I have ever seen.
‘I’m great thanks Stella, I can see business is doing better.’ I offer her a soft smile knowing what her next line will be.
‘Much better since this young gentleman of yours has been giving us his business every week, he must be very sweet on you Em’ she winks before handing over the bouquet.
I inhale the aroma of the sweet smelling flowers, only offering her a small shrug in reply.
Well what else can I really say ‘Oh umm, not really Stel, he just pities me’ or ‘I don’t even know what he looks like, he’s just the guy who saved me from being raped’ Yep neither of those replies are going to cut it so a small shrug will have to suffice.
‘See you next week.’ She calls over her shoulder before making her way back down the path, towards her van.
I close the front door and take another greedy lungful of the beautiful floral aroma before making my way into the kitchen to find a vase.
My routine is consistent. On Friday night I remove last week’s flowers from the side table in my room, clean out the vase and await the following day’s delivery. It has yet to occur to me that these deliveries may stop. I look forward to them too much to even entertain that thought.
Removing the gift card, I place it carefully to the side before I strip away all the plastic and crepe paper that surrounds the bouquet. After arranging them in the clean vase, I carry them up to my room and set them down at their designated spot on my table. Only then do I sit on my bed to open the card.
Sometimes I try and drag this part out for as long as possible; after it’s opened I have to wait another seven days before I can read new words from him.
I survive the rest of the week just to experience Saturdays.
I carefully open the small envelope and lean further back into my pillows to read this week’s message.
Emma. I still think of you often and hope these flowers find you well. I will be there next week to make sure this ordeal is finally over for you. I understand you will not be there and need you to know that darkness never prevails. Stay strong. J x
How is it he knows about the darkness? I am still sleeping with the lights on at night but there can be no way he knows this.
Maybe Liv has told him more than she has let on, maybe he asks her about me, maybe I am just delusional and it’s just a figure of speech, maybe I’m over thinking everything again.
Arghh! This is why I need to move on and get away.
I wait seven days just to hear from a guy I know nothing about. I do not know what colour hair or eyes he has, if he’s short or tall, what his voice sounds like or even why on earth he’s still communicating with me.
Yes, getting away cannot some soon enough.
One more week, one more week, one more week.
It becomes my mantra, if I can get through one more week, I’m home free.
I lay back on my bed and pop in my ear buds, the mellifluous voice of Gabrielle Aplin flows through me as she sings about home and I drift off into a peaceful, darkness free, sleep.
Two months later…
In just a blink of an eye your life can change irrevocably.
It had taken just two days for Redlight to get back to me about my read through and offer me the part.
When Tina my agent called she sounded wired. Her voice was that high pitched and interspersed with little pants of breath, that I thought she had left her Jiggle Balls in and on vibrate!
I didn’t tell her that of course, she would have lopped off my balls and blended them into one of her ‘protein shakes’ before the words had chance to leave my mouth. Tina is a hard arse, that’s how I knew I’d got the part before she said it out loud, she never reacted to things this way, ever!
Cole Creed.
I’ve been offered the part of the bad boy vampire from E.S Carter’s novels.
Research shows me that Cole is the character fans go wild about. Just putting this name into an internet search engine brings up thousands of different websites, from fan pages and blogs, to fictitious Facebook profiles and even dedicated bondage sites, showing various ways members wanted to ‘punish Cole Creed’.
It is, in all honesty, mind blowing!
It took me two days to accept the role, pissing Tina off in the process as she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t jumping at the chance, then another day after that to tell Nate and the rest of the family.
My parents were surprisingly over the moon, Nate was as gobsmacked as I and the rest of my other brothers equally shocked but pleased. I even got a congratulatory text from Liam who, he informed me, is currently slumming it in Bali. Cole effing Creed bro! That is freaking cool so even my baby brother is impressed by the enormity of the role that has just been handed to me on a plate.
So here I am, two weeks away from flying to Canada and the job of my dreams!
I feel like someone needs to pinch me, it’s so fucking surreal. My name and some photos have already been leaked to the press, linking my name with the role of Cole, causing me to get both wanted and unwanted attention already.
Before I even think about getting on that plane, I need to get next week and the court case out of the way first.
The day I get to see that fucker put away behind bars.
The day I hopefully get closure, not just for me but for her.
Two months and she still consumes my dreams, or should I say nightmares.
Two months and I still remember the way her eyes captivated me, the way her body felt against mine.
Two months and I still see that lone shoe, discarded, godforsaken, the partner to the one I held in my hand when I entered that alleyway. I still see the welts to her breasts and the single tear that fell from her eye.
I can’t wait to see that fucking piece of shit again. I want to look him in the eye when his sentence is passed down, I want him to know the strength of which I despise him. I want him to know he is not a man but a worthless cockroach that needs to be eradicated. I want to look into his eyes and smile when he finally realises he will not be getting set free, that his liberty has been taken away and he will forever be known as a rapist.
&n
bsp; I want Emma to know that she is free from the darkness.
It’s Saturday, the day the flowers I order religiously, get delivered.
The only person that knows I send these every week is Nate. He’s never asked me why, never asked me what the notes I send with them say or never lets me know how Emma feels about my weekly gift.
If he were to ask me why I send them, I’m not sure I could answer. I just know I have to feel connected to her, I need her to know she is not alone in this.
It’s probably guilt, if I’m honest with myself.
My actions forced her to run, I never should have pursued her that night, she is too pure for the likes of me, too innocent, too good.
I’ve thought many times about asking her father if I could visit, I still keep in touch with Mr Campbell and he kind of hero worships me.
If only he knew the plans I had for his daughter that night and my part in her pain, then he would want me up in that dock, getting sentenced alongside her assailant, my guilt almost equal to his.
I haven’t asked to visit though for many reasons but mainly because I can’t stand the thought of her looking at me and rightly blaming me. So instead, like the weak man I am, I make a phone call every Friday and send her some pathetic flowers instead.
Does it help me sleep at night? No but I have other tried and tested ways of exhausting myself until sleep claims me.
‘Bro, you’re up early’. Nate saunters out of his room wearing only some loose sweatpants and a content smile. ‘Didn’t get laid last night I take it?’ he throws me a smug grin before grabbing a carton of juice from the fridge and two glasses.
‘I take it Liv stayed over again last night? Can you guys keep it down in the early hours, I’m going to be a star soon and stars need their beauty sleep.’ I don’t even bother to look up at him from the paper I am reading at the kitchen island.
‘What can I say bro, I’m a lucky man. Besides you, or should I say Screaming Whores one and two, kept me up all night just a few nights ago. It’s just pay back man.’ He walks back towards his room before throwing over his shoulder in a high pitched wail ‘Give it to me big boy, yeah just like that, screw my sister…… harder, fuck her harder Jake . . . arghhhhh’
I launch my now rolled up paper at his back before he disappears around his door.
‘Fuck you Nate! You only wish you had my mad skills’.
Oh yes, the twins, Devon & Maddie. Did I sleep well after they left in the early hours, hell yes I did!
God they are hot, if a little dense and the things they can do with their tongues . . . Shit I am getting hard just thinking about it. That was until Liv comes bounding out of Nate’s room wearing one of his shirts and little else.
‘Hey Jake, great news about the Cole Creed gig, Nate was telling me you are flying out to Canada in two weeks. Wow I bet you can’t wait to get started!’ she smiles brightly at me before popping 2 slices of toast in the toaster and pulling out a frying pan from the cupboard.
‘I’m making Nate breakfast before he leaves for the club, want some?’ she stands quietly waiting for my answer.
‘No. Thanks for the offer Liv but I have shit to do and I have to get going’ I rise from my seat and make my way through the living room, stopping at the hallway that leads to my room.
Before I have time to think about what I’m saying, I spin around and ask ‘How’s Emma . . . . you know, what with the case next week and everything?’
Liv stops what she is doing, the smile faltering on her face.
‘She’s doing. . . . . better, I think she just wants this all over with, she wants to move on’. She gives me a small smile as I move to turn away from her.
‘Oh hey Jake’ I stop and look back at her over my shoulder. ‘The flowers mean a lot to her you know, she doesn’t talk about it but I know she waits for them every week, so I wanted to say. . . Thank You for doing that for her.’
I am frozen to the spot, not knowing how to answer; eventually I lower my eyes and give a small nod before walking away.
It’s over. I got through it. I survived.
Giving evidence over video link has to be the single, most difficult thing I have ever done but at least I was allowed to go straight home once it was over.
I never had to see his face, hear his excuses or listen to the lies that undoubtedly spewed from his mouth about me.
My Dad, Liv and Nate all attended the court today. Nate and Liv were required to give evidence, as was Jake, him being the main witness to the whole, humiliating event.
Knowing he saw me that way makes my stomach churn and bile rise up my throat.
I am grateful to him for saving me, far more grateful than he will ever know but he saw me. Saw what that bastard did to me.
In fact he obviously has more knowledge of the events of that night than I do and part of me wishes that no-one had seen me that way.
Such stupid thoughts I know, if Jake hadn’t saved me I’m not sure I would be here now. Who knows how far that vile, twisted, man would have taken things.
A shiver pervades my bones.
Stop thinking like this Em, it’s over. No matter the outcome, it’s finally over.
I am sat alone on the sofa at home, no TV on, no music playing, my phone sat staring at me from the coffee table.
God knows where my mother is. She is not home or with the others at the courthouse and again her absence speaks volumes.
Does it still hurt that she can be like this with me? I’d be a liar if I said no, of course it hurts but it’s not the sharp, stabbing hurt it once was, it’s now more of a dull ache.
It’s like my emotions, when it comes to her at least, are filtered through opaque glass; you can just make them out but they have become muted.
Our relationship has been like this for so many years that I have got used to it, my heart has closed off my feelings for her and it now longer needs her comfort.
I was six when I lost my brother James, in some ways I lost my mother then too, so I’ve had fourteen long years to get over it.
In fact the loss of James hurts more than losing her. She still blames me for causing his death but I have finally stopped blaming myself, I was six for Christ’s sake!
Six years old and totally in awe of my eight year old brother, we were inseparable, more like best friends than siblings. Our closeness in age aided our friendship, our older brothers, Drew and Scott, already mid and late teens and had no interest in us little ones so we naturally gravitated towards each other. He always treated me like ‘one of the boys’, which for a young, tom boy like me, was immensely cool.
I followed him around constantly and he never pushed me away, he even encouraged his friends to let me play with them after school and on weekends, to me James was everything.
I often dream about him, I wonder what he would look like now and what he would be doing with his life. Would we still be inseparable?
In my dreams though he’s still eight and I’m six, he’s still poking fun at me for losing my two front teeth after going over the handle bars of my bike, attempting some stupid stunt he’d dared me to do. A stunt he had pulled off with ease but I wasn’t jealous of him, I was in awe of him.
It was one of James’ dares that set the wheels in motion for what happened that hot summer morning.
‘Emmy I bet you can’t dig a hole all the way through the sand and end up in Australia’.
I squint from under my sun hat, look up at my brother and poke my tongue between the gap in my teeth.
‘That’s stupid James, Australia isn’t under the sand, we’re in Devon, Daddy said there is hidden pirate treasure if I look hard enough but I’m not allowed to dig too deep if we are by the dunes and anyway, Australia is across the ocean, not under the sand.’
‘I’m older than you Emmy and I know more stuff. My teacher told us that if we could dig long enough we’d pop out Down Under and I dare you to try and do it or are you too chicken and think you might find Pirate bones?’ He grins down at me, his
freckles winking at me from his chubby face.
‘I’m not chicken James I just think I’d be digging for ages and I want to go in the sea.’ I knew I sounded sulky but James didn’t have a clue what he was talking about and Daddy told me lots of times to never dig too big a hole in the sand, especially not this close the dunes that sealed off the beach from the holiday park behind.
‘You start digging and I’ll go get us ice cream from the van up there. I’ll help you when I get back and when we get to Australia I’ll show you the Kangaroos.’
‘OK James but you had better get me an ice cream with sprinkles on and you’re helping when you get back.’
Turning to run back up the beach James calls over his shoulder ‘I’ll be five minutes, start counting and digging.’
So I dug, and dug and dug. Where was James? Why did it take so long to get an ice cream?
By now the hole I stood in was huge and quite deep. I piled up all the discarded sand from digging on one side at the top. I was hot, tired and fed up of digging but I knew when James returned he’d be impressed with how much I’d done.
Hurry up James I thought, I really don’t want to be alone when I find those pirate bones.
Within minutes James is back, two ice cream cones in his hands, one with sprinkles, one with a flake.
He jumps down into the hole with me, disturbing some sand on the side and hands me my already dripping ice cream.
‘Find any bones yet Emmy?’ he smirks at me while licking ice cream from his arm, the heat of the sun causing it to drip over his hands and start running down his wrist.
‘Funny James, I know there aren’t any bones here, pirates get buried at sea.’