by E. S. Carter
My words have turned into a sob and I can only blame the amount of alcohol in my system because I never react to shit like this.
My thoughts are so twisted up inside that I am having trouble focussing on anything other than her and that is just freaking crazy!
I lift my head up and catch his concerned gaze, ‘I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me Nate, tell me, what the fuck is wrong with me bro? ‘Cause I can’t keep on like this, I need to keep things together, too much is happening right now, I can’t deal with this shit as well.’ My eyes beg his for answers.
Nate has always been the wise one, yes he was once as wild as me but he always had his head screwed on when it mattered.
This time though he does not look so sure of his response.
‘I can’t help you with this sorry bro, you need to talk to Emma, be truthful with her, let her see you, not Jake Fox man whore/actor, let her see you. She’s a strong girl, she can deal with your shit but not if you are drunk like this, it’s not fair to put this on her when you can barely form a coherent sentence. Give her a few hours bro, drink some coffee, take a nap on the couch if you want, I’ll bring her in to see you once things have calmed down. Just don’t fuck around with her bro, I know you are blood and I have your back but she doesn’t deserve to be messed around so if you have any intentions of doing that to her, I can call you a cab now and you can walk away. It’s up to you.’
All the fight seems to have left me, I know he’s right, I know he’s looking out for both of us and Emma deserves more than a drunken idiot spilling his guts out.
‘OK bro you win, I’ll leave the coffee for a bit though, I’m just going to chill out here for a while. Go, get back to your club, get back to Liv, don’t hang around here with your sorry excuse for a brother. I’ll be fine man.’
He looks torn, like he thinks he should stay but knows he needs to leave.
‘Nate, Go. I’m probably just going to pass out here for a bit, I’ll try not to drool on your fancy new couch.’ I try for some humour but it falls a little flat.
He nods sagely, walks over to me and places his hand on my shoulder in a show of support. No words are required, I know Nate has my back.
He leaves the room seconds later, closing the door quietly on his way out.
I sprawl across his sofa that, at any other time, would be very comfortable but right now it feels like the cushions are embedded with rocks.
My body will not relax.
Twisting and turning, I go from my back to my side half a dozen times before forcing myself into a sitting position and allowing my eyes to roam over Nate’s office.
It does not take long for me to notice the CCTV touch screens, all powered up on the opposite side of the room.
Nate explained to H and I earlier, how these are directly linked to the security office, so both he and the security staff have access to all parts of the club.
That is when the thought hits me. I can watch her and she would never know.
Does that make me a creeper? Right now I don’t care what it makes me, the thought of freely observing Emma without her knowing, is too tempting to pass up.
Moving slowly across the room, while gripping the edges of anything in reach, I amble towards the monitors and hesitantly sit myself in Nate’s large, black leather, swivel chair.
Rubbing my eyes with the heels of both hands, I take a second for my vision to right itself before leaning closer to the screens and scanning each one intently.
It doesn’t take long for me to find her, she is talking to some members of the band, who are in the process of packing away all their stage gear. She looks as breathtaking on screen as she does in the flesh and the fine lace of her dress, hugs her curves delicately, while the full skirt moves lightly over her legs in the breeze.
God damn, she is beautiful.
I tear my eyes from her to check out the two guys she is talking to and they both seem as enraptured with her as I am.
Guy number 1 is leaning with his hip propped against the stage and Guy number 2 is standing a little too close for my liking, his guitar slung around his back.
Something Guy number 2 says makes her laugh, she throws her head back slightly, the relaxed smile on her face makes me yearn to be the one to cause her to do that again.
Guy number 2 reaches out to touch her arm; he leans in a little and tilts his head to speak directly into her ear. She blushes in response, taking a step back and giving him a flustered look before she speaks again.
I can feel my fists tightening.
If that prick touches her again I am going to rip his fucking arm off and shove it up his arse!
Just as he steps in closer another figure appears on screen and coils his arm around her waist, turning his head to smile at her before planting a gentle kiss on her cheek.
Liam.
Nice save baby brother but you can get your hands off her too!
Guy number 2 offers his hand for Liam to shake, he takes his hand and nods his head, all the while pulling Emma into his side a little more.
She looks up at Liam, giving him an adoring smile before raising her hand and offering Pricks 1 and 2 a small wave.
Liam guides her away from the stage and I have to tap the screen to follow their movements.
Emma is still smiling at Liam before she playfully punches him in the arm and he lets go of his hold on her waist.
I am completely absorbed in tracking them, watching Liam navigate through the crowds with ease, Emma following behind him, until they reach Nate’s table and Liv jumps up to grab Emma, directing her to take a seat.
I can see her shake her head and point towards the bar, at which point Nate says something and she gives a little curtsy before sitting down next to Liv.
Liam has taken a seat across the table from her and it is only then that my fists uncoil.
I’ve never been a jealous man, never had any reason to be but at this point I feel envious of everything and everyone.
Jealous of how she seems so relaxed with the guys from the band and of how they reacted to her.
Jealous of how Liam blatantly staked his claim when he could see she was getting out of her depth and now of how she seems so at ease with all my brothers and H, sat around the table, talking and laughing without a care.
She seems so relaxed, so free, so ……… utterly beautiful.
I sit and watch them all enjoying themselves, unable to drag my eyes away from Emma, until weariness claims my vision and I struggle to remain upright in my chair.
Still I cannot tear myself away from the screens and it is not until a few moments later, when Emma stands from her seat and hugs everyone goodbye, that I drag my weary body back to the couch.
If she hadn’t disappeared into the kitchen, where there’s no camera coverage, I would still be sitting there.
Sinking down into the sofa cushions, my eyes drift closed and visions of Emma on screen before me, replay behind my eyelids; only in my head the smiles she freely gave to everyone, were only for me.
The smells and sounds of the kitchen almost cause my stomach to expel its contents.
I definitely make a dramatic entrance, all the kitchen workers eyes are on me in a flash but I cannot focus on them right now, I know he will follow me and the thought of a confrontation with him makes me feel even more panicked and nauseous.
Frantically looking around my surroundings for somewhere to hide, I see the built in larder fridge and hastily make my way towards it. Miguel the head chef cuts me off before I get to the door.
He looks down at me, concern etching his face.
‘Senorita Emma, what’s wrong?’
Knowing I have mere seconds before Jake shows up, my words come out in a rush.
‘Miguel, there is a man following me, please do not tell him I am here.’
His face hardens, his shoulders grow tense ‘Si senorita, I will take care of this man.’
I offer him a meek smile before side stepping him and entering the free
zing cold larder, pulling the door behind me but not engaging the latch, it remains open about an inch.
I back up quietly into the metal shelving that frames one wall, it’s filled with rows and rows of fresh produce and I try to shrink myself up against it.
I know he cannot see through the solid metal door in front of me but it does not stop me trying to camouflage my body, trying to make myself feel invisible.
My breathing is laboured and puffs of air escape my mouth in cold, clouds of dread. I clasp my arms around my chest for both comfort and warmth, the motion giving me very little of either.
Seconds later I hear a loud male voice shouting ‘Emma. Necesito a Emma.’ His tone sounds both demanding and distressed but no one answers him.
The next noise to interrupt the silence of the larder is that of a scuffle, it sounds like someone is being forcibly removed from the kitchen.
Shit! Is Miguel literally throwing him out! His voice echoes louder the next time he speaks, he sounds desperate ‘Emma! Necesito a Emma!’ and then everything falls silent, except for my own ragged breaths.
It takes all my self-restraint to stop myself from walking out of the door and going to him, regardless of my fear.
After everything he has done for me, I hide in the shadows like a coward and allow him to be thrown out of his own brothers club, like a piece of trash!
What the hell Emma, get your head together before this turns into an even bigger clusterfuck!
I screw my eyes shut, trying to steady my shallow, irregular breaths and begin counting down from 100 in my head.
‘Senorita Emma, the man has been removed.’ Miguel’s deep baritone interrupts my revelry at number fifty four.
I inhale deeply and let the air expel from my lungs in a whoosh.
‘Gracias Miguel.’ My voice is small and timid.
He nods at me from the doorway and returns to his duties, leaving me in the cold, frigid, air of the larder.
I am alone, save for my thoughts of what I have just done to Jake.
After mentally giving myself a talking to and plastering on my best ‘I’m fine’ face, one I have perfected after years of living with my mother, I head back into the kitchen and out onto Aurora’s terrace.
My eyes rapidly scan the area for any traces of Jake before landing on a very concerned looking Liam.
I wave a quick Hello and sharply avert my gaze, running the palms of my cold, yet sweaty hands, down the sides of my dress before I move hurriedly away towards the bar.
I quickly calm my thoughts, the seemingly endless task of taking inventory of the bar’s stock levels, gives my mixed up brain something else to focus on.
After that job is complete, I check on all Aurora staff members, making sure no-one has any issues. Nate likes his staff to have plenty of support and I admire how he looks after those who work for him, it helps me understand how Liv fell so hard, so quickly, for the eldest of the Fox clan. He truly is a very good man.
Concentrating my thoughts on only my duties, allows me a brief respite from all things Jake, and having not encountered him for quite a while, I assume he was either removed from the premises or Nate has taken him home.
Both scenarios make me feel extremely guilty. I was the one who freaked out because he was dancing with someone; I was the one who ran away like a child and hid in a fridge.
Oh God! When I think about my overreaction to everything, I feel extremely uncomfortable and more than a little embarrassed. I mean, I am supposed to be the professional here, I am at work, not playing the role of a scorned lover.
God I hope this will not affect my job, I need to apologise to Nate as soon as I see him and will contact Jake to do the same.
I’m not going to allow myself to hide from my part in all this, I’ve never been weak before and I’ve always faced up to my mistakes and that is what I have to do now to make this right.
Just because I am going to apologise, does not make it certain that I will be forgiven.
I know this all too well.
How many times in my life have I offered my sincerest, pit of my stomach, marrow of my bones, apologies to my mother, only to have been met with ice.
Yes being sorry does not guarantee you absolution but I have to hope that both Nate and Jake will accept my apologies, so we can all move on.
If not I am not sure what my options are. My life is here now; I have nothing left to rush back to.
If I go home with my tail between my legs, after all the drama my leaving caused, I will never hear the end of it. I am positive my mother is in fact waiting for me to fail and land up back on her doorstep.
There is no way in hell that is going to happen. I have to sort this mess out.
Determined to get this over and done with, I make my way to Nate’s office, planning my speech out the whole way.
Head down, moving quickly and utterly focussed on what I need to say, it is not until I’m literally at the office door and seconds from crashing into him, that I see Nate exiting the office and closing the door quietly behind him.
On realising my presence, he looks up at me with a grim expression on his face.
Oh shit, that is it, my first night and he is cutting me loose.
He nods his head towards the now closed door before mouthing the word ‘Jake’ and then repeating the gesture.
Walking slowly towards me, he softly puts his arm around my shoulder, turning me back in the direction of Aurora.
‘Nate please, I am so sorry for all the drama tonight. I take full responsibility……’ he interrupts my planned speech, turning me gently to face him.
‘Emma, stop. This is not your fault. I cannot apologise enough on behalf of my brother and I have no excuses for him either. All I have to say is, you need to hear him out. Let him make amends for scaring you. I know he has a lot he wants to say but I don’t think now is a good time.’ He pulls me into his side and we walk silently for a few beats.
‘Jake has always been like this. Even as a child he never let his feelings show and as an adult he always found other ways to mask them, alcohol is sometimes one of those ways. I’ve left him to sober up but if you think you are up to it, I’d like to take you to him once the club has quietened down some and you two can have a much needed chat. Clear the air between you. Do you think you could do that?’
Could I be alone in a room with Jake? Would I find the right words to say?
The choice is not really mine, he deserves an apology plus I have yet to thank him for everything else, talking to him is something I have to do for both our sakes.
‘Yes Nate, I do need to talk to him, please let me know when you think would be best and I’ll make everything right.’ I look up at him; I need him to see the sincerity in my eyes.
‘You have nothing to make right Emma, Jake needs calm to his crazy ways but in his defence, I think you overwhelm him somewhat.’ He smiles down at me and I need to know what he means.
‘It’s because of how he saw me that night isn’t it? He’s overwhelmed because of what he did?’ I can feel the tears form at the corners of my eyes and I blink rapidly to avoid them swelling and spilling over.
Nate halts his steps and turns me to look at him once more. His face is considerate, no ounce of pity shows.
‘No Emma, you have it all wrong. You overwhelm him because he feels things for you that he has never felt before. It’s scaring the shit out of him. He doesn’t think he’s good enough for you and that petrifies him, plus he thinks that you are scared of him. He worries that when you look at him, all you see is memories of that night. He blames himself for what happened and the weight of that burden has been crushing him.’
The gravity of Nate’s words surge around me with the force of a tsunami.
He thinks I am scared of him and that is why I am running?
He is partially right, I mean I am scared of him but only because of the feelings he evokes in me.
Jake Fox, simply put, is the most beautiful man I have ever seen, combine
the way he looks with the heartfelt words he wrote and the stunning flowers he sent and it is me that feels unworthy of him.
I do not share these thoughts with Nate, I lean forward and offer him a small hug instead.
‘Thanks Nate, I appreciate you not sacking me over this drama, I’m going to get back to work and earn my keep. Just let me know when you want me to see Jake and I’ll make sure to hear him out without running.’ I pull away from him and meet his eyes which are still crinkled at the sides, the look of concern not quite leaving his features.
‘Go, get back to Liv before she dances poor H into the ground.’ His worried look fades completely and he smiles back at me.
‘Your girl sure does have some stamina.’ He winks cheekily at me and I can do nothing but laugh at his innuendo.
‘Get back to it.’ He waves his hand flippantly towards the open glass doors ‘I’ll find you later.’
As an afterthought he adds quickly, ‘Just do me a favour and have a chat with the band about a regular spot once their set has finished. Tell them I’ll email them through a contract for a permanent gig.’
‘Yes boss, will do.’ And with that we part ways. Nate returns to Liv and the rest of the gang and I return to the kitchen to make sure everything is going ok in there.
The band announces their last song of the night just as I step out from the kitchen’s swing doors with a tray of sliced fruit in one hand and a bucket of ice in the other.
I head straight for the bar to unload my wares and have just enough time do a quick tally of one cash register before the band finish for the night.
Aurora is far from closing but the live music will be replaced with soothing, chillout tracks, to help customers relax from their heavy night of partying, before they leave, ready to do it all again tonight.
Liam pops his head over the bar as I’m bending down restocking the bottle fridge.