Lauren stiffened in her embrace. She felt so many things being here that she couldn’t be sure which was strongest. Anger over having been abandoned? Joy at finally having a mother? She just didn’t know.
Her mother cleared her throat and motioned for Lauren to sit across from her in the booth. “You look so much like I did at your age. I’d recognize you anywhere, I think.”
Lauren stirred some creamer and sugar into her coffee and took a sip.
Her mother frowned for a moment, but then immediately forced an overly bright smile. “I’m sorry. This must be so strange for you.”
“I don’t even know what to call you,” Lauren admitted with a pert nod.
“How about mom? Or if you’re not ready for that yet, Barb?”
Lauren shrugged. “I don’t know what I’m ready for. This is all so… so much.”
“I know, dear. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.”
“I’m not even sure I know that myself. Could you maybe help me understand what happened?”
Barb—it was too hard to think of this stranger as mother, not until she knew the truth—let out a long sigh, something Lauren had already noticed she did a lot. “I’m afraid that part doesn’t make me look too good. You have to understand it was a long time ago and I was very young, even younger than you are now.”
The waitress came over and brought them each a plate of blueberry pancakes. “Need anything else, dears?” she asked, unloading rolled up utensils from her apron and a handful of butter packets.
“We’re fine, thank you,” Barb answered politely. When the waitress had skittered back to the kitchen, she added, “I took a chance and assumed you might love these flapjacks as much as I do.”
Barb’s smile was contrived. She was trying way too hard, which convinced Lauren that her big reveal would be tough on the both of them.
Lauren braced herself against the booth and said as firmly as she could, “I need to know.”
The older woman sighed yet again. “I’ll tell you, but please don’t leave until I’ve told you everything.”
Lauren nodded, not knowing whether she’d be able to keep such a promise but willing to try. Barb fixed her eyes on Lauren’s stack of pancakes, which made her feel as if she couldn’t eat them. She nursed her coffee instead as she listened to the untold tale of her past unfold.
“I met your father the summer after high school. He was older, a college boy, and I was absolutely smitten. But summer came to an end, and I’d already planned to move to LA to work as a waitress while I waited to be discovered. So we broke up and I went on my merry way. A few months later, I realized I was pregnant. I didn’t want to kill it—kill you—so I figured I would give the mother thing a shot.”
Lauren hadn’t realized her parents had considered abortion, even briefly. It hurt to think she could have never been born at all, could have never had the chance to find out the truth now. Thank God for small miracles. As confusing as all of this was, at least she was here and able to hear it.
Barb reached for Lauren’s hand, which seemed like a good time to dig into her pancakes, after all.
Sigh. “Lauren, I tried. Honest to God, I tried. But I kept missing auditions, showing up late for rehearsals, and losing parts to girls who were ‘more committed.’ I loved you, but I hadn’t asked to be a mother. Meanwhile, show biz had been my lifelong dream, and I could feel it slipping away.”
Lauren popped a bite into her mouth and did her best to focus on the flavors and textures on her tongue rather than the bitter sting in her chest. Her mom hadn’t wanted her, and she had a pretty good idea of what would come next in this story. If she thought of it like a story, maybe it wouldn’t hurt quite so much. She swallowed and took another bite as Barb continued.
“So I packed you up and took you to Alaska to see if I could find your father. Since he was listed on your birth certificate, I knew it would be easier for everyone if I could convince him to take you. It wasn’t hard to find him. He was a big musher then, and I waited for him at the finish line, holding you bundled up in the cutest little snowsuit that made you look like an angel.
“He recognized me instantly and invited me for a meal to catch up on old times. I told him that you were his, showed him the birth certificate and everything, and he was a smart man. He did the math and understood. I explained that I couldn’t take care of you anymore and that I wanted to offer him the chance before giving you up for foster care.”
Foster care? It’s as if her early life had ricocheted from one bad situation to another. All things considered, she’d been very lucky to have the childhood she did. And she knew that was all thanks to one person—though not the one sitting before her.
Barb voiced the words that were already in Lauren’s mind. “Your father was a good man. I hope you understand that. Less than an hour before, he hadn’t even known he had a daughter, and now he was agreeing to take you in, to do whatever it took to make sure you stayed out of the system.
“He said he would take you, but it wasn’t a decision I could take back. Not ever. He wanted me to promise to stay away, saying it would only hurt you if you knew.”
He was right, Lauren thought. He was absolutely right. And I doubted him. I questioned whether he really loved me at all. When he loved me so much, so instantly, that he put everything aside to be there for me. Lauren wished she could tell her father how much she appreciated the hard decisions he’d made for them both, wished she could apologize for ever questioning his motives, begrudging him his secrets.
Barb continued the story, cutting into her pancakes and beginning to eat now. Apparently, the hardest part was over—at least for her. “I agreed, but after a couple years, I grew to regret my decision. My career never took off like I hoped it would, and I’d given you up for nothing. I came back to Alaska to find you but learned your father had moved out of state and taken you with him. He’d left everything to keep me from getting to you, like he knew I would change my mind and try to take you away again.”
They both took a bite and chewed in companionable silence.
Barb swallowed and set her fork and knife down at the edge of her plate. “Back in those days, it wasn’t so easy to find people. We didn’t have Facebook and things like that. I searched and searched, but eventually gave up. That is, until…”
The older woman’s face grew pale, and Lauren wondered whether it was due to sincere feelings or part of a performance she’d decided to put on for Lauren’s benefit. Her voice shook now and her eyes glistened with the promise of tears. Lauren still didn’t know whether any of it was real.
“Until the doctor found the cancer in my blood. I’d waited too long, and now nothing but prayer was going to save me. So I skipped the chemo and radiation and instead decided to make sure my business was in order before I had to come face to face with my maker. That business started with finding you and making things right in the time I had left.”
Oh, shoot. Soon Lauren would be an orphan yet again. As much as she wanted to remain angry over the poor decisions her mother had made, she also couldn’t deny that this woman had gone out of her way to find Lauren now. She’d been honest when she could have just as easily as maligned Lauren’s father. They were here together now, and from the sounds of it, there wouldn’t be too many other times like this. She reached across the table and gave her mother’s hand a supportive squeeze.
Barb smiled sadly at her, the story almost through. “I hired a private detective and traced you and your father to that town in New York. I called him and asked him to come meet me to talk. Later on, I found out that he’d gotten in a crash driving home from that meeting. And I felt so guilty that I’d caused you to lose both your parents now, but I’d already sent the package, and even though I knew now I didn’t deserve it, I hoped beyond hope that you’d reach out to me, maybe even forgive me, so I could have the chance to get to know you before I…”
“Stop,” Lauren said softly. “You don’t have to say anything more. I’m glad
we found each other, and you did the best thing in the world by getting me to my dad. I’ve had a good life, and I can’t wait to tell you all about it.”
They continued to hold hands across the table for a few minutes more. There they were together in solidarity, mother and daughter reunited at last. Lauren felt the anger melt away just like the butter on the second helping of steaming pancakes she’d requested. Finally, she would have her own memories of her mother. She had a family again, and that meant everything.
Lauren spent the day catching Barb up on all the years she’d missed while Lauren had been growing up without her. She still didn’t know how to feel about her mother’s confession, but she now understood why her father had kept this part of his life secret.
To keep her safe and protect her heart.
Love, plain and simple. She hated that she had ever doubted her father’s motives. As for her mother, she chose to forgive her. Although Barb’s actions had been insanely selfish, Lauren had still lived a great life with a parent who loved her more than anything.
It rankled, knowing she could be set aside so easily for a ridiculous pipe dream, but at the same time, she knew that not forgiving her mother now would lead to a lifetime of regret later.
If Lauren stayed away while she sorted out her feelings, it could be too late. Barb was dying. She’d worked hard to find Lauren and said she was sorry for everything that had happened. The least Lauren could do now is give herself some closure, take the chance to get to know her mother, and view this turn of events as a gift rather than a burden.
She drove home late that evening, having made plans for Barb to come up to the cabin later that week for a home-cooked meal. It felt strange to have solved her father’s mystery, but it also felt fated that she was here in Alaska, living in the state where her parents had met and fallen in love and following in her father’s footsteps, living the dream he had abandoned to give her a good life.
She couldn’t wait to tell Shane everything she had learned that day, but apparently she had to. When she reached the cabin, an unfamiliar car was parked outside—a much fancier one than she’d ever seen around Puffin Ridge.
Was this the thing that needed taken care of, per Shane’s note that morning?
Something felt off.
She pushed through the door, not knowing what she would find on the other side. Briar jumped up on her and then raced around the room in excitement.
“That dog needs to learn some manners,” a thin, dark-haired woman said from the recliner where Lauren normally sat. She wore knee-high boots with stiletto heels over her designer jeans, an outfit that looked ridiculous in this weather. She caught Lauren examining her and laughed. “Is this my replacement, Shane?”
Shane turned bright red beneath his beard. “This is Lauren, my handler. Lauren, this is my ex-wife, Satan.”
“Oh, you always were a funny one, weren’t you?” the woman said with a furrowed brow.
So this was Isabel? The woman was clearly all wrong for Shane. From her overly made up face to the tips of her designer footwear, all wrong.
“Can we help you with something?” Isabel asked in a syrupy sweet voice.
“I was just…” Lauren started.
“Grabbing a chair,” Shane finished for her. “Here, take mine. I’ll get one from the kitchen.”
“There’s no need for all of this, Shane,” Isabel said. “I told you I’ll leave as soon as you sign the papers.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a manila envelope, waving it at him.
“And I told you I’m not signing anything without having my lawyer look it over first.” Shane settled himself on the arm of Lauren’s recliner rather than getting a third seat from the kitchen.
Isabel frowned, but her forehead remained smooth and unwrinkled. “You made me drive all this way. For what? It’s like you wanted to waste my time.”
“That is a perk,” he said with a scowl.
Isabel placed an arm on each of the chair’s rests as if it were a throne. “You’re nothing, Shane. You’re less than nothing. The best thing I ever did was leave you. Best thing I ever did for my daughter, too.”
Lauren was not going to sit back and watch as Shane was treated like this, and in his own home, no less. “Excuse you, Rosie is Shane’s daughter, too, and she deserves to have her father in her life.”
“Your handler, you say?” Isabel raised an eyebrow at Shane, ignoring Lauren completely.
“He told you he doesn’t want to sign the papers right now, so I think it’s time for you to go.” Lauren rubbed Shane’s back, hoping it would comfort him somehow.
Isabel leaned forward, her hair falling in front of her face, making her resemble the freaky little girl from The Ring movie. “I don’t have to listen to him, and I certainly don’t have to listen to you. That’s the handy thing about a divorce. If he didn’t intend to sign these papers, he wouldn’t have invited me over. Nobody asked you for your thoughts, and nobody cares. I can guarantee that much. Now go out with the dogs where you belong, you little bi—”
“I don’t think so!” Lauren rose from her chair and stomped over to Isabel’s.
Shane grabbed her wrist, but she shook him off.
“Leave the papers, and get out.”
“Or what?” Isabel laughed at her.
“Remember, you had your chance,” Lauren growled. She could be a beast, too, especially when it came to protecting the people she cared about—people that most definitely included Shane. She grabbed the other woman’s arm and pulled her from the chair, marching back toward the front door.
“What are you—?”
“Taking out the trash.”
Isabel ripped her arm out of Lauren’s grasp and rubbed her thin wrist. “He can never love you, sweetie. He doesn’t know how.”
She stalked back to the chair to grab her purse and threw the envelope at Shane. “Nice seeing you, Shane. Maybe next time you can fight your own battles, eh? I’ll be back tomorrow for my signed papers. You can count on that.”
When Lauren slammed the door and turned toward Shane, she found that the tremor she hadn’t seen in weeks was now back. Honestly, she couldn’t blame him.
“She was… charming,” Lauren said with a huff. “Why did you let her in?”
“She said it was about Rosie. I thought maybe something had happened to her and that I could help, but then Isabel showed up and with these papers.” He held up the envelope, which was still sealed shut.
“Mind if I take a look?” Lauren asked, crossing the room and coming to stand right in front of him. This whole thing was oddly reminiscent of her own surprise envelope the day before. Only then she’d been afraid, and now she was angry. Livid, actually.
He sighed and handed the file over. “Better you than me, I suppose. Whatever it is, it can’t be good news.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Lauren mumbled as her eyes scanned the page. “Actually, it might be very good news.”
She read some more, her lips moving as she did her best to discern the wordy legal jargon. “You said you lost custody of Rosie in the divorce. Right?”
Shane nodded, and she just barely caught the blur of motion from her peripheral vision. “Don’t remind me,” he moaned.
But Lauren pushed further. “How did you find out?”
“I was supposed to go to court for the final hearing, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t stand to see Rosie ripped away from me firsthand like that, and at the hands of that woman, no less. So I stayed home, and later that night, Isabel called and told me what had happened.”
Of course she did. That woman was something else, and not something good.
“Shane, she lied to you.” She handed the envelope back to Shane so he could see what was inside for himself.
“W-what?” He flipped through the pages, but the fresh tears that had sprung to his eyes seemed to make reading the words impossible at that moment.
“These papers, they’re for the termination of parental
rights. If you’d already lost them, she wouldn’t be here insisting you sign. Did something happen recently?”
And just like that, his anger returned. Meanwhile, Lauren’s had never left.
Shane bared his teeth. “She says she’s getting married again, and this new schmuck wants to adopt my daughter.”
“And he can’t, because you’re still legally Rosie’s father.”
“Does that mean…?”
“You could have been seeing her this whole time. Shane, you can go see her right now.”
He shook his head and dropped his gaze toward the floor. “All this time?”
“All this time,” she confirmed. “Do me a favor—stand up.”
He looked to her with question marks in his eyes, but rose as instructed.
“Now put your arms around me, and look at me while I talk to you.”
He drew closer and encircled her in an embrace. She had his full attention now.
“I understand you a lot better after meeting that crazy woman. You made a mistake, Shane, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep punishing yourself forever. She was all wrong for you, but I’m not.”
He began to pull away, but she held tight to his shoulders. “Lauren, I can’t—”
“I know why you think that. I see love has torn you up real bad, but it can also put you back together.” She moved her hand to his heart, as if she could heal it with just her touch. “I’m not going anywhere. Please stop pushing me away.”
He cried openly as he shook his head. “Isabel wasn’t always like that. I did that to her. I pushed her away, too. I made my career more important than my family, and I—”
“You’re human. You made mistakes, but you’ve learned from them. You shouldn’t have to suffer for the rest of your life. You’ve learned, Shane. You’ve grown. You’ve changed.”
Shane rested his chin on top of her head as he mumbled, “Why do you like me so much? I don’t even like myself.”
Let There Be Love: The Sled Dog Series, Book 1 Page 13