Cut Loose

by Julia Wolf

  James watched me struggle for a long moment, then sighed and opened his door.

  “Good night, Frannie.” He gently closed the door behind him.

  As soon as he walked out of sight, I pounded the steering wheel and yelled, “Fuuuck!”

  Five

  Tapping my wine glass with a fork, I announced to my gathered friends, “I call to order this emergency meeting.”

  “Finally! We’re waiting with bated breath here,” replied Rachel. She was snuggled up with her man, Joe, on one side of a cozy booth at the back of our favorite wine bar.

  I’d spent the previous night in a daze, trying to process the fact that I’d unknowingly deflowered James. Normally on such occasions—not that there had ever been an occasion like this—Laurel would talk me down from the ledge, but she’d been out all night, so I spent the evening pacing around our apartment.

  Eliza had been alarmed when I stumbled into the salon looking like a zombie. She’d been even more alarmed at my fit of hysterical laughter when she’d asked what was wrong. Rachel and Eliza found me in the break room later and told me we were going to the wine bar after work and there would be no arguments about it.

  “I’m about to blow your minds, friends. You’ll never guess who walked into the studio when I was dancing last night.” I paused for dramatic effect and all three of them leaned forward. “James frigging Beardo.”

  “What in the world was he doing there?” Eliza asked.

  I turned to her. “Good question, dearest Eliza. He certainly wasn’t dancing Swan Lake. It turns out, James is actually the younger brother of Ryan, my friend who owns the studio. He was there to help Ryan out with something in the office. Earlier, I asked Ryan to film my dance, but he sent James in his place. Which reminds me, Rach, I have a video to send to you.”

  Rachel smiled and clapped.

  ”That doesn’t seem like anything that would faze you, Frannie,” Joe said.

  I shrugged. “It threw me for a small loop—I didn’t expect to see him there. When I saw Ryan and James together, I thought, well, of course they’re brothers. But this is not the shocking part of the story!”

  “I’m dying over here, Frananas! What happened?” Rachel asked.

  I took a long sip of wine and looked around at each of my friends. “James asked me to drop him off at the bar after we left the studio, so we had a nice, quiet drive back to my garage. Once we were parked, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I asked what happened that night.”

  “And?” Eliza asked.

  “And he seemed completely confused, like he had no idea what had gone wrong! So, I told him he was acting like he’d never banged before.” I raised my eyebrows and glanced around the table again.

  Rachel’s eyes went wide. “Noooooo…”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  Joe’s eyes bounced back and forth between us. “What?”

  Rachel turned to Joe and took his hand. “I think what Frannie is saying is she’s now the proud owner of James’ V-card.”

  Joe looked at me again and I nodded. “Nooooo…” he groaned.

  “It’s true. I popped his cherry!”

  “Poor James,” Eliza said sadly.

  I scrunched up my nose incredulously. “Poor James? Poor me! Don’t you think he should’ve told me he was a virgin before we got down? It seems to me that was pertinent information.”

  Eliza sighed. “You’re right, he probably should have. But I’m sure he had his reasons for keeping it to himself. You can be pretty intimidating, Frannie.”

  “The guy must have been embarrassed. Maybe that’s why he didn’t tell you. How old is he?” Joe asked.

  I thought about it for a moment. How old is he? “Uh, I actually don’t know.”

  “So, what are you going to do?” Rachel asked.

  “I have to do something, don’t I?”

  Eliza put her hand on mine. “Sorry, sweetie. I think you’ll have to at least talk to him.”

  I sighed. “I know. I will. And hey, who knows, maybe he’s banged a hundred other women by now. You should’ve seen the way the new bartender eyed him like a slab of meat the other day.”

  Rachel snorted. “You mean like you look at him?”

  “Exactly! It’s only appropriate when I objectify him.”

  “How did you feel when he told you?” Eliza asked.

  “Honestly? He left me speechless. He escaped before I could think of anything to say, which I feel pretty crappy about. The thing is, though, I wouldn’t have slept with him if he’d told me he was a virgin. I mean, I’m twenty-nine, the last virgin I had sex with was over a decade ago, and that was when I lost my virginity. So, I guess I felt tricked.”

  “Tricked?” Rachel asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah. I firmly believe a lie by omission is still a lie.”

  Joe furrowed his brow. “But did you offer up your number before you had sex?”

  Rachel looked at her boyfriend. “Why would she tell him that?”

  I interjected, “I see what Joe’s saying. Since I didn’t tell James how many guys I’ve slept with, why should he tell me how many women he has or hasn’t been with?”

  He pointed two fingers from his eyes to mine. “You always get me, Frannie.”

  I chuckled and kicked him under the table. “I didn’t say I agreed with you!”

  Joe winced, pretending to be hurt. “I think I’m onto something here.”

  Eliza shook her head. “No, your virginity is special. It’s not fair to put Frannie in that position without her knowledge.”

  I smiled. Despite having a dickhead for a boyfriend, Eliza remained a hopeless romantic. I didn’t see the world the same way as her, but it felt nice to be around someone so optimistic. Sometimes it even rubbed off on me.

  “E, I love you, but I don’t think of virginity as a thing you can give away. It’s just a state of being, one second you are, the next you’re not. My objection is I don’t want to be a story he tells forever.”

  “Huh?” Rachel said.

  “Come on, everyone remembers exactly where they were and who they were with their first time. Mine was Brian Gutierrez in his parents’ basement.”

  Rachel frowned. “He-who-shall-not-be-named in his stupid car.” I laughed at her description. Rachel’s first ended up being her horror-show of an ex-husband.

  “Monica Feinstein behind a cabin at summer camp. When we finished, we both had pine needles in places pine needles should never go.” Joe smiled at the memory.

  “Eric Kang in a hotel room on prom night. He was so sweet. I wonder how he’s doing,” Eliza said dreamily.

  I banged my fist on the table. “See? Now James’ story will be ‘Frannie in her bedroom. She was really mean and stopped me before I came.”

  Laughing, Joe said, “I doubt James will be telling too many people that tale. Doesn’t make him look too good.”

  “But it’s the story in his head! If I’m taking someone’s virginity, I’m going to make damn sure they have the best memory of the experience ever!”

  “I think that ship has sailed, Frananas,” Rachel said.

  I exhaled loudly. “I know. What a shame.” Smiling at my friends, I said, “I feel better already now that I’ve gotten this nonsense off my chest. It bounced around all night in my head and I needed to share it.”

  Rachel snorted. “Oh great, is this like The Ring and now we’re all cursed to have horrible sex until we pass on your James tale to some other unsuspecting fool?”

  I cackled. “You found me out. Sorry, Joe!”

  “I think I was already cursed,” Eliza said quietly.

  I threw my arm around her shoulder. “Aw, sweet Eliza. How’s Edward anyway?”

  She shrugged and studied her empty wine glass. “He’s the same as always.” Taking a deep breath, she lifted her head and smiled. “How’s it going at your new school, Joe?”

  Six months ago, Joe had been living in New York, working as a middle school music teacher. In a super-romantic turn of events,
he moved to Tiber City, bought Rachel’s dream house, and asked her to live with him.

  As much as I didn’t want a relationship of my own—or even really understand them—watching Rachel and Joe from the sidelines was incredibly adorable and satisfying.

  Joe smiled warmly at Eliza. “Teaching elementary schoolers is a new challenge for me, especially the kids in band class. Most of them are brand-new to their instruments. I really like the school, though, and my colleagues are great. Best move I ever made.” Rachel laid her head on his shoulder and Joe leaned down and kissed her cheek. “I should say best move I ever made professionally. Getting this sweet girl to live with me was the best move I ever made, period.”

  See? Like I said, adorable and satisfying.

  I kept thinking of James as I drove back home to Baltimore. As much as I resented being his first, I felt bad that had been his initiation into sex. And I just couldn’t fathom why a beautiful man like him had still been a virgin.

  It seemed my plan to get over James by getting under someone else was already derailing. He was proving to be a mystery. I needed to investigate that big hunk of a man so I could finally move on.

  Six

  A week went by before I saw James again, despite camping out at Bar Royal most evenings after work. When I finally broke down and asked perky bartender Val if she knew where he was, she smiled knowingly and told me he’d gone out of town for his other job.

  Other job? Now I became doubly intrigued. On top of all my unanswered questions, now I wanted to know what he was up to when he wasn’t at the bar. What could this mysterious second job be that took him away for a week? Was he a secret agent? Or maybe a lumberjack?

  It was Sunday night, and I was playing pinball by myself in the back of the bar. Laurel had spent a couple hours with me there, but she left to watch The Flash. Girlfriend had her priorities and her favorite superheroes topped the list.

  “Nice score.” The hairs on the back of my neck stood up when I heard his deep voice.

  “Thanks,” I said, without glancing away from my game. “When I was a kid, I had a friend who had a pinball machine in her basement just like this one. I developed my mad pinball skills at her house.”

  James stood directly behind me, watching as I hit the buttons on the sides of the machine to flip the ball away from the gutter. I used my hips to expertly nudge the machine, almost thrusting into it. When I heard a rough groan behind me, I wanted to give up my game and lean back against him.

  After playing a few more minutes, the bells of the classic pinball machine started ringing, alerting everyone nearby that I had the new high score. I laughed and threw my hands in the air, spinning around and jumping up and down. James watched me with a small smile on his lips.

  “I am the pinball master, James! How does it feel to be in proximity to such greatness?”

  His smile grew bit by bit until it became a full-on grin. “I bow down before your greatness.”

  I cocked my head to the side. “You should smile more, James.”

  “I like when you say my name like that.” He crossed his arms over his chest and watched me. It seemed he was always watching me.

  “How do I say it?” I asked.

  James stayed quiet for a moment, then said, “Like you mean it.”

  “I don’t even know what that means.”

  James chuckled softly. “I don’t really either. I just like the way my name sounds when it comes out of your mouth.”

  I bit my lip. “Okay, James. I like it too. James.”

  “Well, now you’ve said it so much I’m not sure James is even a word anymore,” he said with a slight smile.

  On a whim, I asked, “Can I take you out to lunch tomorrow?”

  His eyes widened, and he took a half step back, startled. “Why?”

  I threw my head back and cackled. I came to the conclusion there was no way the two of us would ever have a normal conversation. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. “Oh my god, did you just ask why you should have lunch with me?”

  He scratched the back of his neck. “No. I asked why you wanted to have lunch with me.”

  “I just want to get to know you. You’re a mystery. And, as you can see, you make me laugh. So, can we have lunch, or what?”

  He inclined his head slightly.

  “Was that a yes?”

  “Yes,” he said softly.

  “Okay, well…good. Should I come here, or…?”

  “I’ll wait out front for you at twelve.”

  “Okay, we’ll meet at high noon.”

  His lips curved up. “High noon. I like that.”

  “Oh, you know me. A regular wordsmith,” I joked. “I’d better go home. I’ve spent way too much time here over the past week. It’s time to detox.”

  “Bye, Frannie.”

  “See you tomorrow, James.”

  I walked past him, purposefully brushing my shoulder against his. I added a little swing to my step for his benefit, and when I reached the door, I turned back to see his reaction. He was planted firmly in the same spot, his eyes meeting mine unwaveringly. I smiled one more time, then walked out the exit.

  I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was I wanted to be around him more. I wanted to hear his low, rumbly voice. I wanted to know what he thought and felt. I wanted to know him.

  This feeling of wanting was completely unfamiliar to me. Usually I wanted, I took, I had, and I was done. But with James, no matter how much I denied it and pushed it away, the feeling remained.

  From the time I lost my virginity at sixteen in Brian Gutierrez’s basement, I knew something for sure about myself: I didn’t want love, or flowers, or chocolates. My skin crawled when Brian tried to cradle me close afterward. He called me cold, and I didn’t argue with him. My supposed coldness didn’t stop him from taking my willing body again and again.

  I tried the boyfriend thing one other time in my early twenties. We were together for six months, and I actually liked the guy. He let me be distant when I needed it and seemed to accept sex as my way of showing affection. In the end, though, he wanted what he said he didn’t mind not having: holding hands, cuddling, and declarations of love. He’d never get that from me, so I ended it.

  After that failed experiment, I promised myself I was done with trying to be someone I wasn’t. I hadn’t been tempted to break my promise over the years because I actually liked who I’d grown into. Even with my quirks, I happened to be a pretty cool chick.

  I wondered what James would think of me if he really knew me. Would he still watch me the way he did?

  When I got home I plopped down on the couch with Laurel.

  “What’d I miss?” I asked, my eyes on the television.

  She scoffed. “Not much. Gypsy just breached in to go on a date with Cisco. And Flash is being Flash.” Laurel watched The Flash and every other superhero show faithfully and kept me more abreast of the action than I ever wanted to be. As many times as she’d told me the plotline, I still had no idea who she was talking about.

  “I’m going to lunch with James tomorrow.”

  She nodded without taking her eyes off the screen. “Cool.”

  Then she picked up the remote and paused the show. “Hold up. You’re having lunch with Beardo?”

  I pushed her knee. “Stop calling him that! And yes, lunch tomorrow.”

  Laurel turned toward me fully. “How did that come about?”

  I shrugged. “He finally showed up at the bar, and I asked him. He said he liked the way I said his name.”

  “How’d you say his name?”

  I held my hands up. “I don’t even know. James?”

  “That actually does sound nice.” Laurel tipped her head back and stared up at the ceiling. “I’m going to need some time to process this.”

  I reached over and poked her side, making her giggle and fold her body in half. “It’s just lunch, for Pete’s sake!”

  Laurel’s head snapped up. “Did you just say ‘For Pete’s sake’?�
��

  I hung my head in shame. “I did. I used up my ‘fuck’ quota for the day, so I was trying to be wholesome. No good?”

  “Nah, I regularly run out of fucks to give.” Laurel shrugged. “My go-to wholesome curse is ‘oh fudge.’ You can use it if you’d like.”

  Laughing, I pushed her shoulder playfully. “Thanks, I’ll keep that one in mind.”

  “So, what’s the purpose of this lunch with James anyway?” Laurel asked.

  “I guess consuming food in the company of a fine-looking man,” I answered uncertainly.

  She rolled her eyes. “Okay, but what’s your endgame? Is this a date?”

  I shook my head. “Definitely not a date.”

  “Does he know that?”

  “I hope so,” I sighed. “We need to talk, and I’d rather not do it in the bar. Plus, there’s just something about him I like. I hardly know him, but his presence is…I guess soothing is the right word.”

  “Hmmm…”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing. I’ve just never heard you talk about a man that way.”

  “I know!” I rubbed my face with both hands. “I’m hoping actually getting to know him will cure me of these ridiculous feelings.”

  Laurel squeezed my knee. “Feelings aren’t a disease. You don’t need to be cured. If you like him, why not try it again?”

  “Let’s just see what happens at lunch before I answer your question, okay?”

  She laughed lightly. “Okay, Frannie.” Turning to face the TV again, she asked, “Now, can I watch the end of The Flash?”

  We spent the rest of the evening watching TV together, and even though I laughed and enjoyed Laurel’s running commentary, my thoughts never strayed too far from my favorite bearded bartender.

  Seven

  Most people hated Mondays, but it was my favorite day of the week. While everyone else trudged to work, I slept in, then usually went grocery shopping in a mostly empty store. Sometimes I met Rachel for lunch and pedicures since we both had Mondays off. A lot of the time I liked to spend the day by myself in the quiet apartment or leisurely reading at the nearby bookstore.