High Meadow

by Joan Wolf

  The answer was immediate: Whether he pitched or not would make no difference to Kate. But it would most certainly matter to him.

  It isn't fair to ask her to marry me when my life is in such turmoil. I have a nerve asking her to marry me at all when I can't give her children.

  It was the deepest wound to his manhood, the fact that he could not father children. The puniest guy in the stands could have a child, but he could not. It had been a bitter blow. The only people who knew were his parents and Alberto . . . and Kate. He had never told any of the women he dated his secret; he had only told Kate.

  How can I love her the way I do, how can I pour myself into the very heart of her, and not be able to give her a child?

  And now, to add to that, there was the doubt about whether he would be able to pitch again.

  He was a power pitcher. He had been the top strikeout pitcher in his league for the last four years. His starts had been like baseball rock concerts. If his hand didn't heal properly, all of that was in jeopardy.

  What will I do with myself if I can't pitch?

  His mind went blank at that question. He couldn't imagine himself not pitching.

  How can I ask Kata to marry a broken-down pitcher who can't give her a child? It's impossible.

  Not that she jumped at the chance when I proposed. She said she loved me, but when I mentioned marriage she said, "Let's talk about it later."

  It would be better not to mention marriage again until he knew about his hand. Once he knew where he stood, then he would decide what it was that he should do.

  * * *

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  The day before Daniel's parents were due to leave for Colombia, Daniel invited Kate, Molly, and Ben to his house for dinner. It was January 6, and the Monteros had presents for Ben. Rafael explained to him the Spanish tradition of giving gifts on the day of the wise men's visit while Victoria took Molly aside and asked her how her treatments were progressing.

  "I'm tired and I'm starting to lose my hair," Molly said. "And, to top it off, my blood count is too low, and I have to go to the hospital for shots to bring it up before they can give me the next chemo treatment."

  "Yes, that happened to me also," Victoria said. "I am so sorry for you, Molly. It is a wretched experience to go through."

  Molly sighed. "Everyone has been very supportive."

  "Are you sick to your stomach?"

  "Not really. But food doesn't interest me all that much."

  "I know. I lost ten pounds while I was in treatment."

  "But you're okay now?"

  "I am okay, and I must tell you that I rarely think of that time in my life. Oh, I think about it when I go for my yearly mammogram, but otherwise it doesn't come to my mind. I consider myself cured."

  "That's great, Victoria. And I feel optimistic that I will be all right also. I just have to get through this miserable treatment first."

  "You will get through it, Molly. And you will be better. That is what counts."

  Ben came over to join them. "Grandmama, come and hear about how I was kidnapped."

  "What?"

  "Come on, Daddy is telling Grandpapa."

  Victoria went to join the group sitting around the coffee table. "What is this about Ben being kidnapped?"

  Daniel told the story of what had happened in Florida.

  His parents were horrified. Ben was pleased to find himself the center of attention.

  Kate, who was sitting on the sofa next to Daniel, murmured, "How can we get him to stop telling everyone he was kidnapped?"

  Daniel smiled. "I don't know. Maybe it's cathartic for him to keep hearing the story."

  Ben, who was sitting on the second sofa with Daniel's cat in his lap, said, "I prayed, Grandmama, and the police came."

  "God was looking out for you," Victoria said.

  Ben nodded.

  Maria came to the door and said to Victoria in Spanish that the dinner was ready.

  "Come along," Victoria said. "It's time for us to move to the dining room."

  Rafael spent the better part of the dinner trying to convince Kate to come to visit his ranch in Colombia.

  "I have a beautiful young horse I think you would love. If you come and visit and like him, I will give him to you."

  Kate, who wasn't very good at hiding her feelings, looked stunned. "You would?"

  "Yes. I am sure you will love him."

  "I would love to come, Rafael, but, to be honest, there's so much political unrest in Colombia that I'm afraid."

  "My ranch is in the government-controlled area of the country."

  "Even so . . ." She glanced at Ben.

  "You would be safe on my ranch, I swear to you. Safer than you were at Disney World."

  "Well. . . I'll think about it."

  Rafael looked as if he would say more, but Daniel cut in, "Don't push her, Papa."

  "I am just not certain that Kate understands how safe the ranch is."

  "You've told her, now let's drop the subject."

  Molly said, "It's nice that Alberto is returning on Monday."

  Everyone looked at her in surprise.

  Daniel said, "I didn't know that."

  Molly looked a little embarrassed. "He called me earlier. I'm sure he will be calling you as well, Daniel."

  Victoria looked interested. "Alberto called you, Molly?"

  "Yes," Molly said.

  "Have you and Alberto become . . . er friends?"

  "Yes," Molly said.

  "How interesting. Alberto is a wonderful man, you know."

  "Yes," Molly said.

  Rafael said, "I was at a party with Alberto's publisher last week, and he is very excited about the book. They have sold it in Chile and Argentina and Peru, and they were in negotiations for the English translation rights to be sold to America. Gabriel Garcia Marquez gave him a great quote for the cover."

  "I didn't know that," Molly said. "That's fabulous."

  "Who is Gabriel Garcia Marquez?" Kate asked.

  Daniel answered, "He's Colombia's Nobel Prize-winning novelist."

  "Wow. That is great."

  "It certainly is," Victoria said.

  "What is this, Mommy?" Ben asked, holding a piece of food up on his fork.

  "That is a scallop, a kind of a fish," Kate answered.

  "You are eating Arroz con Mariscos, Ben," Victoria said. "Maria makes it perfectly." She looked at Molly. "The secret is in cooking the shellfish just until they are done and not a second longer."

  "It's delicious," Molly said.

  "It certainly is," Kate agreed. "But the closest Ben has come to this at home is fish sticks."

  "I like fish sticks," Ben said.

  Victoria visibly suppressed a shudder. "Well, if you like fish sticks, Ben, you ought to like Arroz con Mariscos."

  "What does that mean, Grandmama?"

  "Rice with shellfish."

  "I like the rice," Ben said.

  "Try a shrimp . . . that one there."

  Ben gave Kate a look.

  She smiled, "It won't hurt you to take a little bite. It's good, really"

  Ben nibbled a tiny piece of the shrimp. "It's okay."

  "Then finish it," Victoria said.

  Ben heroically took another bite.

  Rafael said consolingly, "There is cake for dessert. You will like that."

  Ben brightened noticeably.

  Daniel's glove was open-fingered, so he was able to use his hand to eat, albeit a bit awkwardly.

  Kate said, "I hope Alberto's book does come out in English. I'd like to read it."

  Molly said with amusement, "Considering that you never read anything that isn't about horses, he will be honored."

  "I read things that aren't about horses," Kate said huffily.

  "Oh yes? What?"

  "I read the newspaper."

  "You read Captain Underpants, Mommy," Ben said helpfully.

  Rafael and Victoria looked at Kate in amazement.

&n
bsp; Kate grinned. "I know it sounds bad, but it's a series of children's books that Ben likes."

  "What else have you read, Ben?" Victoria asked.

  All the adults gave him their attention as he replied.

  Kate went to bed feeling unsatisfied. Just to see Daniel brought such a hunger that it frightened her.

  I love him, she thought.

  What to do? What to do? He wanted her to marry him, but she was certain he would expect her to fit her life into his. After all, he was the one making the big money.

  It would work if Daniel would live at High Meadow and let me keep my business.

  But she couldn't see that happening. The commute to the Bronx from Greenwich, the first town in Connecticut, was bad enough. Moving to Glendale would add a half an hour to his trip either way. Plus, his house was gorgeous and the farmhouse was . . . well, a farmhouse.

  So what do I do? Give him up?

  I can't give him up. He's mine.

  If I lived in Greenwich, I could continue to ride. I could stable a horse at what I'm sure would be a fabulous stable and I could even take dressage lessons. Ben could go to the Greenwich schools, which are wonderful.

  But I don't want to give up my business. I've worked hard to establish it, and I love it. I don't want to give it up.

  Can my life and Daniel's coexist?

  They could if we just continued the way we are now.

  But Kate didn't want that either. It would send all the wrong messages to Ben, for one thing. And she wanted the closeness that she thought marriage to Daniel would give her.

  But. . . I don't want to have to choose between my business and Daniel. It isn't fair that I should have to make such a choice. Other women marry and keep their work.

  But her job wasn't just a job; it was a vocation, a twenty-four-hour commitment. And she loved it. But Daniel's job wasn't ordinary either.

  He'd be away half the time. What would I do with myself, with Ben in school and only one horse to take care of? I'd go nuts.

  I could get another kind of a job.

  But she rejected that idea immediately. The very thought of being cooped up in the same place all day made her feel suffocated.

  We could adopt children.

  But that wasn't the answer, either. She would love to have more children, but the idea of who she was was so intimately connected to the farm, and had been for so many years, that the thought of losing it felt like an amputation.

  I'll have to explain to Daniel how I feel. Maybe he will have a solution. Maybe he will volunteer to live at High Meadow . . .

  Don't get your hopes up, Kate warned herself. Daniel is a Latin male. I'm sure he will expect his wife to fit her life into his and not the other way around.

  It took Kate quite a while before she finally fell asleep.

  The following day Daniel took his parents to the airport, then he packed a suitcase and drove to High Meadow. It was three in the afternoon, and Kate was waiting at the bus stop for Ben, with Cyrus beside her. Daniel pulled his car into the driveway and went to join her.

  It was a cold day, and Kate was wearing her Mountain Horse jacket, fleece riding breeches, and lined boots. Daniel flipped the hood of his parka over his head to protect himself from the wind and jammed his hands in his pockets.

  "Florida looks good right now," he commented as he stopped beside her.

  "I don't mind cold weather, but I object to frigid," Kate said. "There is a finite amount of clothes that you can put on."

  He didn't smile. "I have never before minded going to Florida for spring training, but this year I don't want to go because I'll miss you and Ben."

  "When does spring training begin?"

  "The end of February."

  "So soon? It seems as if you just finished playing!"

  "There's four months between the end of the old season and spring training. It's more vacation than most men get."

  "If you consider the fact that you don't get any Saturdays or Sundays off during the season, I don't think the days off come out in your favor," Kate said.

  "When you are doing what you love, you don't mind working long hours."

  "That's true. Mom is always after me to cut back my schedule, but I don't mind it. I love it, in fact."

  There was brilliant color in her cheeks, and her eyes were very blue, their whites very white. She was so damn beautiful.

  "What would you do, Kata, if you hurt your leg and couldn't ride anymore?"

  "It would break my heart," she said simply.

  "Yes," he said. "I thought it would."

  There was a little silence, then she said, "Are you worrying about pitching again, Daniel?"

  "Yes."

  "I suppose you can't help it."

  "It's my pitching hand, and two bones are broken."

  "I feel so terrible about the accident. . ."

  "Please don't blame yourself. That's not what this is all about."

  "All right."

  "I keep wondering what I would do with myself if I can't pitch again."

  She looked at him gravely. "I wish I had an answer for you, Daniel. But I have been asking myself a similar question. What would I do with myself if I didn't have my horses and my business?"

  He smiled wryly. "We're evidently a pair with very little imagination."

  She didn't smile back. "So it seems."

  A yellow school bus turned the corner and began to come up the street. Cyrus's tail began to wave as he saw it, and Samson came over to stand next to Kate.

  "I brought a suitcase with me," Daniel said. "I thought I'd begin my father-in-residence stint tonight."

  "Great."

  The bus came to a stop in front of them, and after a moment Ben came down the stairs, his backpack dangling off one shoulder.

  "Daddy," he said with delight when he saw Daniel. "I didn't know you'd be waiting for me, too."

  "You're just lucky I happened to come along," Daniel said. "Come on and hop in the car, and I'll save you a cold walk back to the house."

  Ben and Cyrus and Samson got into the backseat of Daniel's Mercedes and Kate got in the front. In under a minute they were all getting out and filing in through the front door of the farmhouse.

  "Go change your clothes, then you can have milk and cookies," Kate said to Ben. Then, to Daniel, "You can take your suitcase upstairs to the spare room."

  "Do I get milk and cookies too?"

  She smiled. "Certainly."

  When they returned back downstairs, Kate had taken off several layers plus her heavy boots. Daniel had a sweater on over jeans, and Ben came down dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans. Daniel said, "You keep this house colder than I keep mine."

  "If it was any warmer, I'd be suffocating," Kate said.

  "I have long underwear under these fleece pants and turtleneck."

  "I got an invitation today to Josh's birthday party, Mommy," Ben said as he took his seat at the table. "He invited the whole class."

  "That was very nice of him," Kate said. "Where is it going to be?"

  "At the Video Game Parlor."

  "A birthday party at a video parlor?" Daniel said.

  "No one has birthday parties in the house anymore," Kate said. "One of the parties he went to was actually on a yacht. Can you imagine anyone dumb enough to coop ten boys up together on a boat?"

  "No," said Daniel.

  "I had a pony party, Daddy," Ben said. "Everyone got to ride Tucker and Scout and then we played musical chairs and then we had ice cream and cake and I opened my presents."

  "It sounds like a great party," Daniel said.

  "It was. I think it was the best party of all."

  "It was certainly the cheapest," Kate muttered under her breath.

  "What's on the agenda for today?"

  Kate gave him a beatific smile. "There's a Cub Scout pack meeting tonight that you can take Ben to."

  He looked at her warily. "Cub Scout pack meeting? As in a large number of boys locked up together in a gymnasium?"

&
nbsp; "You got it."

  "Can you really take me, Daddy? It will be so fun!"

  "What time is it at?"

  "Seven o'clock," Kate said.

  "Are you coming too?" Daniel asked Kate.

  "Oh I think it will be fun for Ben to have his daddy to himself for the evening."

  "All the other boys' fathers come," Ben said, which clinched it, of course.

  Kate said, "If you're going to the Cub Scout meeting, then you have to get your homework done this afternoon. Perhaps Daddy can help you with it."

  "Will you, Daddy?"

  "I would be pleased to help you, Ben."

  "Great," Kate said brightly. "I'll be down at the barn if you need me. Mom should be coming in soon."

  As she went out into the hall to put on her discarded layers, she was smiling.

  * * *

  33

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  Molly came in while Ben and Daniel were working on Ben's homework. She smiled when she saw the two of them sitting at the table.

  Daniel got up and went to take the bag of groceries she was carrying from her hands.

  "Thank you, Daniel," she said.

  "What's for dinner, Nana?" Ben asked.

  "Meatballs and spaghetti."

  "Yeah! I love meatballs and spaghetti."

  "I know. That is why we have it as frequently as we do."

  Daniel laughed.

  "You have your Cub Scout meeting tonight, so we have to eat by six," Molly said. "How are you coming with the homework?"

  Daniel said, "Very well. We're almost finished. And I hardly had to help at all."

  "Wait until he gets a project. You can help then," Molly said.

  "Is that a threat?"

  Molly laughed. "Yes, I'm afraid it is. These teachers! The things they come up with! We're very boring in high school; we just assign papers. Of course, they learn something from doing a paper; sometimes I wonder about these projects. The parents wind up doing them half the time because they're so involved."

  "I can't wait," Daniel said, and Molly laughed again.

  It was five o'clock and Molly was rolling meatballs when the telephone rang. She picked it up, and it was Alberto.

  "Molly?"

  "Yes." Her voice sounded a little breathless. "Are you back, Alberto?"