In Rude Health

by Robbie Guillory

  He couldn’t tolerate any of the normal treatment for chronic constipation (laxatives and enemas), so he ended up being taken to theatre where I, the most junior member of the on-call surgical team, had to claw out this monstrosity of a turd with my fingers. It was a dense mass, about 4-5 inches wide, that felt like hardened clay and smelled exactly how you might expect a ball of faecal matter that’s been brewing in a dark, dank place for a month to smell.

  It took a good half hour before I managed to clean him out, all while the nurses tried to stand as far away as possible and my seniors pissed themselves laughing at my various horrified expressions.

  Surgeon, Belfast

  Johnny Come Lately

  A woman came in complaining of a ‘tickle in the back of her throat’ for a week, which would not go away. She’d become alarmed when a strange-coloured phlegm began to come up with each cough. I took a look in her throat and saw that there was something stuck towards the back of her nasal cavity. Also, her breath smelt like she’d been eating excrement, though she was adamant that she’d been unable to consume anything for the last couple of days. I managed to get a grip on the object with some long tweezers and began gently to pull it out – whatever it was had got really stuck to the throat lining behind the tonsils.

  Turned out it was part of an edible condom, which the woman had inhaled during fellatio a fortnight previously, but she thought she’d swallowed it.

  ENT Registrar, Leeds

  Mythical Beast

  Last Christmas, an unconscious man was admitted to our neurology ward, having sustained a head injury linked to a high blood alcohol level. We found him a bed, removed his suit, and the nurse went to insert a catheter (so he didn’t wet the bed). Suddenly she gasped ‘Oh my, look at this!’ I went over.

  Tattooed on his foreskin was a small white unicorn. Sadly, my shift ended before he could wake up, so I never got to ask him for the story behind his magical creature.

  Nurse, Walsall

  Miso Horny

  We had a patient who had complications caused by noodles being inserted into his urethra and ending up in his bladder. The surgeon who extracted them said it was the weirdest looking ramen he’d ever seen.

  Nurse, Southampton

  Seeking Illumination

  I like the story about the guy who inserted a lubed-up lightbulb for sexual kicks and, three days later, had passed neither the lightbulb nor anything else. So they took him into a cubicle and made him assume the kneeling position, introduced lots of oil and then slipped three Foley catheters, each with a balloon secured to the end, around the lightbulb. They inflated the balloons and applied gentle traction to the Foleys and waited for about ten minutes until the anus dilated enough to permit the passage of the lightbulb.

  And a torrent of faecal matter.

  Nurse, Norwich

  Please Release Me

  As a student doctor, it was my duty to help file printed reports. I once came across the X-ray report of a patient with one of those telescopic umbrellas lodged in his rectum – all those moving parts were quite a sight, rather like a mechanical spider.

  As I went to place it in the correct file, I couldn’t help read the notes by the surgeon who removed it: it was noted that he considered it ‘extremely important not to disengage the spring lock during removal.’

  Doctor, Sheffield

  Loose Nuts

  I will never forget the man who got his penis trapped in a ring spanner. He had been masturbating with the greased-up wrench – no, I can’t imagine it either – and it got stuck. His willy started to swell like crazy and after several hours he knew he had to come to A&E. We attempted to decompress the inflated member with a syringe, but that wasn’t working well enough to remove it, so we were at a loss of what to do.

  In the end we had to call a fireman in to get the wrench off with an industrial hacksaw. The tool (the offending wrench, not his member) was made of high-tensile steel so it took a VERY long time. And the hacksaw wasn’t the most accurate of implements. We had to wear protective eyewear. The sparks were going everywhere. We had to coat his prick in cream to make sure it wasn’t burned.

  All the patient could say was, ‘I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry!’

  Nurse, Livingston

  Suck it and See

  A man came into our A&E with a vacuum cleaner nozzle stuck on his penis. He had on a very long trench coat to disguise the fact. What no one could understand was why he didn’t just remove the hose from the vacuum when he came in, rather than towing it behind him and his trench coat.

  Nurse, Scarborough

  Grapes of Wrath

  Some poor sod suffering from haemorrhoids wanted to see them. It transpired that he stood naked at the top of the stairs in his semi, bent over and looked between his legs, because there was a large mirror mounted there. He pulled apart his butt cheeks and, lo-and-behold, there lay the kingdom of the haemorrhoid hanging like an over-ripe bunch of red grapes. Unfortunately, such a position was never going to be very stable. He lost his balance, rocked forward and fell down the stairs face first, ploughing down the rough carpet as he went. It was the worst facial carpet burn I’ve ever seen.

  A&E Consultant, Rhyl

  Out of Puff

  We once got called to attend a woman who had collapsed at her daughter’s birthday party. We found her prone in the livingroom, surrounded by wailing kids and a clown in full make-up standing over her. I’ve never liked clowns and feared the worst.

  Turned out she’d overexerted herself inflating the balloons and ended up with a pneumothorax – a collapsed lung. Saying that, I still don’t like clowns.

  Paramedic, Bolton

  Deep Throat

  A patient had been playing badminton, at some sort of championship level. Whether she was winning or not I don’t know, but she seemed to have been quite a pro at it. If you’ve never seen a shuttlecock before, it is basically a cone made of feathers with half a polystyrene ball stuck to the pointy end, to lend weight and stop it taking someone’s eye out.

  Anyway, they’re playing away when her opponent smashes the shuttlecock so it goes really fast, hopefully to a corner or at least out of reach. However, his aim is a bit off and the shuttlecock goes right at his opponent, and into her mouth.

  The pointy end is at the back of her throat and making her gag, but the feathered bit of the cone is behind her teeth, because it had been hit with such force. Neither she nor the other player who hit the shot can get the shuttlecock out. Let me tell you, the sight of her sitting in the waiting room for A&E in her tennis whites and with the most ridiculous expression on her face... I could barely stop myself from laughing as I cut it out.

  Doctor, Walsall

  Arse-on

  Bonfire night is always busy for A&E, but this incident sticks in my mind, particularly as the unfortunate patient’s mates later posted the video online.

  A young man had been having some fun drinking lager and throwing lit fireworks at people, when his mates suggested he ‘shoot one at the moon’. He takes out a particularly large rocket he’d been saving up, pulls his trousers down, lies on his back and hooks his arms through his legs. He then slips the stand of the firework into his rectum, lights the fuse and shouts, ‘Fire in the hole!’

  What must have seemed to be a great idea at the time literally backfired, resulting in the man receiving severe and very painful burns to his cheeks, back and private parts.

  I was told by attending friends that no one even looked up at the firework exploding as the sight of this writhing specimen was rather captivating.

  Burns Specialist, Worcester

  Mandible Mayhem

  We can probably all remember the spitting, swearing, swivel-eyed demon that was the sports teacher at school. How he raged as we limped up and down the football pitch, surrendering goal after goal as he cursed our ineptitude and wore a groove in the turf.

  Well, I had one come in to A&E who was as quiet as a mouse – completely compliant and very different t
o any I’ve experienced before or since. Of course, it could have had something to do with his injury; before he discovered this new Zen-like calm he’d been raving like the best of them at a hockey match, when he shouted so loudly and so wildly that he dislocated his jaw!

  Consultant Maxillofacial Surgeon, Leeds

  Rip You a New One

  During the cold weather last Christmas we had to stitch up several new arse cracks. A man had cut himself when deciding to jump up and down on the roof of a bus stop, naked from the waist down, singing Jingle Bells at the top of his lungs. It had been snowing heavily for a couple of days, so when the bus stop roof shattered, there was a thick layer of snow beneath to break his fall. Sadly for him, it also meant some of the shards were stuck sharp side up, perfectly positioned to tear him a new one... or two.

  Registrar, Preston

  Toeing the Line

  This was a first for me: a patient, who had been chopping wood with an axe, missed and ploughed the blade straight into his foot (he had been wearing canvas shoes, which had not helped at all). The stunning thing was that he hadn’t even scratched any of the bones – just cut the skin clean through to about halfway down the foot, like splitting a piece of wood. Whereas on first seeing the wound I had assumed amputation was a distinct possibility, he made a pretty remarkable recovery.

  Reconstructive Surgeon, Cambridge

  Lancing the Boil

  A few years ago I remember we had a couple of young kids brought, who must have been watching too much Merlin, because they’d decided to have a jousting tournament on bicycles. They ‘prepared’ for this medieval folly by tying saucepans to their heads, sticking a pillow up their jumpers and using dustbin lids for shields. For lances, they use a couple of mops.

  The two youngsters went to either end of the street on their bikes, and then went at each other full pelt. The results weren’t pretty. The lances missed their marks, thankfully, but the bikes did not; and the two gallants were flung into each other. Teeth everywhere, huge grazes, a broken bone or two.

  Charge Nurse, Nottingham

  Backed Up

  I had a patient who presented with a bad back, which I quickly found to be pulled back muscles. I asked if he was doing anything strenuous when the injury occurred and he went bright red and mumbled, ‘Well, to be honest, I’ve been having quite bad constipation recently, and I think I was trying too hard to push something out.’

  That’s right: a man was having a shit and pulled muscles in his back. A classic case of someone needing to eat more green vegetables.

  GP, Portsmouth

  Nooks and Crannies

  15 unusual things I’ve found in the crevices of incredibly fat people:

  A chicken leg

  A cheque book

  Members of the green army from the board game Risk

  A computer mouse

  Two used condoms

  A torch

  A bar of soap

  Hair scissors and a comb

  Batteries

  A ham and mustard sandwich

  A stapler

  A mousetrap

  A cricket ball

  A pocket-size Bible

  An Eagle Eyes Action Man

  Community Support Nurse, Staines

  Hiding to Nothing

  A kinky 39-year-old guy had been copying a scene from a porn film where a live eel is put up someone’s bum. Apparently he’d done it before, with complete success, but this time he lost his grip on the slippery customer, and it vanished straight into his bowels. After realising he couldn’t get it out, the man rushed round to the nearest A&E, which happened to be ours...

  As he came through the doors, he shouted, ‘Please, please help me. An eel is moving through my body!’ Naturally, he was rushed straight through, as much for his mental health as anything – and, let’s face it, nobody else would have sat next to him after that.

  After establishing that he was not off his head or high as a kite, our duty surgeon spent almost an hour trying to coax the eel out with a suction machine. He eventually succeeded, though the poor blighter died shortly afterwards. The eel that is. The perv was perfectly fine.

  Registrar, London

  Burned to be Wild

  A woman was cleaning up the mess left by her hairy biker husband after he’d decided to strip his motorcycle engine on the kitchen table before putting the parts back together and taking it for a spin. One of the things he was using was a bowl of petrol (apparently it is great for getting rid of grease). She took this bowl and, not knowing what to do with the contents, decided to pour them down the loo. Her husband came back, lit a cigarette and, happy with his bike, went to the bathroom.

  As he did a wee he threw his cigarette end into the loo. The explosion brought his wife running upstairs, where she found him crumpled against the wall, having been blown backwards through the door, his hair, beard, eyebrows and pubes burnt off and his clothes smouldering. She dialled 999 and we came and took care of him. Hopefully he’ll remember to clean up his own mess in the future...

  Paramedic, Northampton

  Burst Springs

  A rather large woman was brought in by ambulance with two broken legs. She’d been trampolining and had gone too high, come back down to earth and gone straight through the trampoline. Ouch.

  A relative who was with her said, ‘I was gardening, so I didn’t see it happen, but I felt the ground shake and just instinctively knew what had happened.’

  Orthopaedic Surgeon, Cardiff

  Muddy Waters

  We looked after a drunken eejit who decided to take a walk on a frozen canal one Christmas Eve without noticing the ice was actually just moonlight. He jumped down from the walkway, and immediately sank up to his waist in water, with his legs caught in three feet of ice-cold mud. It was three hours till he was found, by which time he had a lovely dose of hypothermia and had to celebrate Christmas in the observation ward.

  Nurse, Dublin

  Eye on the Ball

  I treated a gentleman in late middle age who had found he was having trouble peeing straight, so he decided to make some modifications to his penis. He inserted a small ball-bearing into the tip of the urethra reasoning that if it worked for a ballpoint pen, then it should improve his aim. Apparently as well as hurting like mad, and giving him a nasty urinary tract infection, it also made him into more of a sprinkler than a Deadeye Dan.

  Urology Registrar, Salisbury

  Patched Up

  A wee old man had come to see me for a check-up, and mentioned that he’d quite like to stop smoking. Naturally I jumped on this and immediately talked to him about things that could help him achieve this. He liked the sound of patches, so I gave him a prescription for them, and then didn’t see him for a few weeks. When he did eventually return, he came in slightly agitated, and explained to me that he’d been feeling very sick. I asked him to take off his top, so I could hear his chest. His whole torso was covered in patches. Apparently he hadn’t read that when you put a new patch on every day, you take the old one off.

  GP, Stornoway

  Stairmasters

  A couple of teenagers, who had been in to see a relative, ‘borrowed’ one of the wheelchairs from the lobby of the hospital, and took it outside to have a go around the car park. Then one of them decided he’d take on the stairs, Italian Job-style. After that, he wasn’t just visiting anymore.

  Nurse, Dundee

  Come Again

  Doing the pain assessment for a woman who we were pretty sure was going into labour, the following exchange took place:

  Me: Is your pain intermittent or constant?

  Patient: What?

  Me: Does your pain come and go or is it constant?

  Patient: Well, it constantly comes and goes!

  Community Midwife, Poole

  You Know What They Say

  James was 87, the sweetest of patients, one of nature’s gentlemen. One day when I was giving James a sponge bath I’d stood him up so I could wash his privates
when he looked down and said, ‘Have you ever seen anything so big?’

  I was utterly speechless – couldn’t think of anything to say.

  James shook his head and said, ‘My brother-in-law told me once that these have got to be the biggest bloody feet he’d ever seen!’

  Geriatric Nurse, Ashford

  Milking It

  I’ll never forget the poor woman who, when applying a homemade enema, suspected – and then, as warmth grew, suddenly realised – that, in a dimly lit room, she’d grabbed a bottle of chilli oil by mistake. There was very little we could do for her, except for filling her with milk while she lay on her front, sweating like mad and mooing with pain.

  A&E Consultant, Winchester

  Tap on the Head

  A man was fixing his car, fiddling about under the bonnet, when he suddenly received an almighty electric shock, throwing him to the ground and giving him a nasty blow to the back of the head. He got his wife to have a look, but she couldn’t see anything except a nasty graze, and so just slapped a dressing on to it. The next day, however, he started to feel really dizzy, nauseous and forgetful, so they went to the doctor’s (that’s me) to get it looked at. At first inspection I couldn’t see anything more than his wife could, but the dizziness was a bit alarming, so I thought we’d better scan his brain to make sure there was no evolving bleed or anything like that.