Beautifully Awake

by Riley Mackenzie

  “Business trip?” Now Asher looked surprised. He studied the sidewalk, avoiding eye contact. “Not sure what you mean. I just drove down to get a few signatures off him. I spoke to him earlier and he told me he had a few cases today. You didn’t see him this morning?”

  My nervous stomach took a backseat to my new friend, nausea. Seriously. He confirmed it. Chase lied. But something about the way Asher asked if I’d seen him made it clear that he was completely unaware of any problem between Chase and me.

  “Um, I haven’t really talked to him since last Friday. We ... texted a couple of times. I sent him a message Wednesday night, but I never heard back.” I caught myself fidgeting with my nails. “I assumed he was with you.”

  “He was ... last Saturday when he showed up in New York.”

  “So wait, he wasn’t away with you all week?” I clipped.

  Asher ran a hand through his tawny brown hair. “Shit,” he muttered.

  “What, Asher? What aren’t you telling me?”

  He stood, pensive. Enough was enough with the boys covering for each other. It was obvious Asher had put his foot in his mouth, but I wasn’t waiting around for him to come up with a plausible lie.

  “Well, I need to go. I don’t really have time for this, and I need to be back soon.” I paused, hoping he would slip and say something. Anything. “Good to see you again.”

  I made it two steps before Asher gently tugged me back. “Lili, please wait. Chase ... he’s a fucking mess. Saturday was ... intense. I’ve never seen him like this, not even when Kimi died.” A sadness filled his eyes. My jaw dropped open and my throat clogged. That was the last thing I expected Asher to say.

  Stuck on he’s a fucking mess, my emotions pinballed so quickly between sadness and anger I could barely keep up. Something snapped and my brain-to-mouth-filter turned off. “So I guess when you find out your girlfriend isn’t as pure and sweet as you thought, tarnished with a sad pregnancy story, you become a fucking mess.” The anger in my voice was raw as I repeated Asher’s words.

  He looked at me with disbelief. “He told you?”

  Told me? “Told me what? I have no idea what you’re talking about. Remember, he doesn’t tell me a freaking thing.” I crossed my arms against my chest trying to ease the burning pain. “I don’t get it, why won’t he talk to me?” Hot tears filled my eyes.

  “Lili, you should talk to him. I’m not comfortable saying any more. I really should stay out of your relationship.”

  “Relationship? He left me, Asher, when I needed him the most. He dropped me off and left.” A tear slid down my cheek.

  He placed a hand on top of mine and squeezed.

  “Lil, you’re upset, and I’m not sure what went down between the two of you, but he’s in a fucked up place right now. Just talk to him,” he pleaded.

  I wiped my wet cheek, smoothed my skirt and politely said goodbye. Asher had a bleak look in his eyes, but he was right. I needed to find him.

  The empty void deep within filled with a swarm of bees. And within minutes I was on the fifth floor staring at the posted operating room schedule. Chase had cases all day. Back to back. I found Kate in the recovery room right away.

  “Lil, you look ... I mean, is everything okay?”

  I wasn’t exactly sure what I looked like, but I was guessing it wasn’t good. Kate sympathetically ran a hand down the side of my hair.

  “Have you seen Chase today?” My voice was melancholic. I should have been angry. He blatantly lied. But I just needed to see him, make sure he was okay.

  “He’s been operating all day, trying to make up for the week off, I guess. I haven’t seen him.”

  He always accompanied his patients to the recovery room. My patients, my responsibility.

  “Oh.” My eyes quickly scanned the room searching for him, even though I knew he wasn’t there.

  “He hasn’t been wheeling any of his patients in today, only Guy or Jack, but he still has one case left. I don’t think it started yet. Do you want me to tell him anything if I see him?”

  “No, don’t say anything. Actually, can you do me a favor?”

  “Sure, anything. You know that.”

  “Can you text me when the last case is over?”

  “Okay, no problem.”

  “Thanks, Kate.” I turned to leave, but she grabbed my arm.

  “Lil, I saw him with you. I mean when you guys were in here last week. I saw how he looked at you ... how he touched you.” She smiled softly. Heat hit my cheeks with visions of him claiming my ass. “It was really sweet ... I hope everything works out.” She wrinkled her brow and shrugged.

  “Thanks,” I whispered, almost choking on my words.

  At the far end of the room, the OR suite doors pushed open and Chase looked anything but a fucking mess. My gut wrenched at the sight of his new case manager flanked at his side. She was a new hire I had only met once or twice in passing, but she was staring up into his eyes, my eyes, giggling and hanging on every word he spoke. She had probably just sat in on an awake case. The amount of jealousy I never knew I possessed came to a brimming head. It took everything in my power to not run over there and rip that giggling, flirty mouth right off her face. But what killed me even more was the smile he had for her.

  The next thing I knew Kate was dragging me into the supply closet.

  “What in the world are you doing? Kate, stop,” I hissed.

  “No, you stop, You practically had fumes coming from your ears. I thought you were gonna try to rip her hair out.”

  That obvious, huh?

  “I was close. What the hell is that all about?”

  “Lili, she’s on his team now. Stop jumping to conclusions. He was probably telling her about the next case. You need to take your own advice and go home and cool off. Stick to your original plan. I’ll text you when he’s done, promise.”

  Crap. I took a deep breath. She was right. Who was I kidding? I wasn’t going to make a scene in the middle of the recovery room like an unstable jealous girlfriend without any facts, but damn I was so tempted.

  “Lili, just go.” Kate pushed me toward the exit.

  Walking away I repeated, “Sweet.” We were sweet. I was his sweet.

  I paced back and forth, back and forth. My nervous energy was wearing away the sheen on my hardwood floor. Kate’s text couldn’t come soon enough. A little bit before eight o’clock my phone chimed.

  He’s done.

  GL :)

  Hmmm. Kate wished me good luck. Is that what I needed, luck? No, what I needed was for him to listen, to hear me out. He needed my truth. And I needed the same in return. His flirty new case manager was the least of my worries. My irrational reaction to her today, on the other hand … that was an issue. It just confirmed how attached I was to him. He was mine.

  In the rain, I hailed a cab and headed directly for the Franklin Towers. The swish of the windshield wipers put me in a trance, only to replay our future conversation. After a silent elevator ride to the sixteenth floor and several knocks at his door, it was apparent I had beaten him there. I leaned against the wall just outside his door, closed my eyes and waited. The elevator ding snapped me from my haze and renewed the butterflies in my stomach. I rubbed my sweaty palms along my grey yoga pants.

  “Blue?”

  My breath quickened at the sound of his deep voice. I hadn’t realized how much I loved his nickname for me. I kept my eyes closed.

  “What are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you, I mean you just surprised me.” His nervous ramble almost made me smirk. Almost.

  “We need to talk, Chase.” I peeled my eyes open to find him only inches from my face. His stormy grey eyes tangled with mine. There was no doubt our connection was still alive. The fire between us still burned and in that moment I missed him. I missed everything. All of it. Every one of my Dr.’s. All I wanted to do was leap into his arms and tell him so. Instead I held myself and waited. Fear of rejection paralyzed me.

  “Come in.”
<
br />   My legs trembled while I went directly to the couch and sat. Behind me, I heard him drop his keys on the table. “Want a drink?”

  I shook my head no, sensing his eyes boring into the back of my head. He needed to sit. Please just sit already. The awkwardness in the air was suffocating.

  “Please just sit, Chase.” I glanced over at him, hoping he saw it on my face, how much I needed this. He had changed out of his scrubs and was wearing a charcoal grey dress shirt that matched his eyes with the sleeves haphazardly rolled up. Like he always did. He slowly walked toward the couch. He looked tired, but beautiful. “You need to hear the truth, Chase. I need to tell you what happened and-”

  “You don’t need to tell me anything.”

  My heart rate skyrocketed. Nerves were replaced with fury and frustration.

  “Why won’t you fucking let me tell you my side?” I snapped and threw my arms in the air. “Everything that asshole said in that courthouse might have been true, but he made me look like I cried fucking wolf. I didn’t ... that’s not what happened.”

  “Blue, stop. Just fucking stop.” He secured me in a tight embrace. “Stop.”

  “No.” I wiggled, trying to free myself. “You’re going to hear me out, damn it. You need to hear the truth. You owe me that!”

  “I don’t need to hear a fucking thing.” His words stung like rock salt in a gaping wound. He pushed me at arms’ length, lifting my chin to meet his icy stare. “Look at me, Lili.”

  Hot, angry tears betrayed me. Damn him for making me cry.

  “I know the truth. That motherfucker raped you!”

  Time froze.

  Chase’s raw growl continued to echo through my bones. I fucking hated that word. Rape. I hated that it happened to me. I hated being a victim.

  We silently stared at each other. Chase looked feral, the vessels in his neck pulsated while he struggled to regain some control. Damn, the pain in his eyes rivaled my own. The rape I suffered through was ripping Chase apart, and I hated that it had that power. Fuck you, selfish fuck-face. I stopped fighting the tears; I wasn’t going to win.

  Chase’s thumbs swiped my face. Oh god, I missed his touch. “That selfish fucker destroyed your spirit, your confidence and even though you never told me, I knew ... I knew something had happened to you. The second I figured out where that asshole was going with those fucking questions, and I saw the pain in your eyes, baby, I knew. It took every ounce of restraint for me to sit in that courtroom and not tear that piece of shit apart. But you need to hear me right now. Never, not for one single goddamn second, did I ever think you cried wolf. Don’t ever say that again. Don’t you ever think you need to explain yourself to anyone after what you went through. Understand?” He shut his eyes for a moment before continuing. “Baby, just when I thought I was breaking through your wall ... that fucker made it go right back up.” His voice was strained.

  He let go of my face and ran his hand through his messy hair. I choked on air as my eyes followed his hands. They were covered in green and yellow bruises. His knuckles were raw and swollen.

  I released my breath and spoke. “What? If you knew, then why did you pull away? You left me. You ... lied to me?” His confession confused me. He never doubted me, but he left me anyway. Nothing made sense. None of it.

  Chase dropped onto the couch with his arms resting on his knees, an all too familiar position, and he raked his hair. Something deep in my gut sank. What the hell? It wasn’t just his hands that were bruised. Deep purple marks tracked up his forearms. I knelt between his legs, bracing myself on his thighs, and looked up into his beautiful face. The marks were less noticeable, but the faint yellow streaks marring his cheekbone and chin were my undoing.

  “Chase, what happened to you?” I traced over his bruised arms with trembling fingertips. He looked as battered as I felt. “Please, talk to me ... say something,” I pleaded.

  He inhaled. “It’s nothing. I went a few rounds with Asher on Saturday.”

  A few rounds? What the hell was he talking about? Asher said he saw him Saturday. I’ve never seen him like that. Then I remembered Chase and Asher’s conversation at Asiate. “Wait. You started fighting again? Why would you do that?” I didn’t want to hear his answer. He was a freaking surgeon, for god’s sake. His hands were his livelihood.

  “I needed to blow off some steam. It’s not a big deal.” His tone was curt and dismissive.

  “If it wasn’t a big deal, then why did you lie about it? Is that why you took the week off ... to hide your bruises? There was no business trip, was there?”

  He didn’t have to answer, the guilt was written all over his face.

  “But I don’t understand. I saw Asher today, he looked fine!” I stood right next to him, he gripped my hand, and there were no marks or bruises.

  Chase half smirked. “Pansy started wearing gear.”

  I saw through his attempt at humor. He wasn’t going to distract me.

  “Wait, and you don’t wear gear? What if you broke your hand?”

  “I didn’t.” Ouch. He must have seen me wince. “Look, Blue, I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted was for you to worry about me. You went through enough last week.”

  “You didn’t want me to worry about you?” I rose from between his legs and walked to the window. The rain seemed a little heavier than before. I watched the raindrops splashing in the sidewalk puddles. I hated how unpredictable summer rainstorms were. Sometimes just a light drizzle or a sun shower, sometimes raging thunder and lightning. Since the rain was inevitable, I wished for a light rain with the promise of sunshine, but my gut felt a scary storm building. I hated night rainstorms. “Instead you let me think you wanted nothing to do with me. That you believed everything said in court.” I continued to stare outside, keeping my voice level. “I thought you were disgusted with me, that I was a liar.” I turned and challenged his stormy gaze. “Do you have any idea what this week was like for me?” Running my clenched fist along my sternum, I tried to ease the pain of my pounding heart.

  He walked to the window, the rain capturing his attention as well. “Blue, baby. I’m so sorry if I hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to do.” He turned me to look at him. His eyes softened. “Disgusted? Impossible. A liar? Never. Do you hear me? Fucking impossible. The exact opposite. I’m in awe of you, you fucking level me. I wish you could see yourself the way the rest of the world does. You have no idea how beautiful you are. Your smile is over the top. It doesn’t just light up a room—it sets the tone. You’re infectious, baby. Everyone you meet considers you a friend and turns to you in a second with their problems. You don’t have a judgmental bone in that sick little body. Disgusted? Holy fuck, Blue, you’re as close to perfect as they come. I am…”

  Chase looked at me with a raw passion—vulnerability—like he could almost love me.

  I stepped closer, begging to touch him. My hands found their way down his chest. His shirt separated our skin on skin, but even through the thin fabric, it was easy to feel every chiseled muscle. When I reached the area over his tattoo, he flinched and squeezed his eyes closed. He dropped his hands from my arms and snaked them into his pockets.

  “You lived through the unthinkable and you’re nothing but pure sweet. You’re everything I’m not. I had to leave you, Lili.”

  He reopened his eyes and the compassion and almost love I thought I saw vanished. Blank. What the fuck did I miss? His demeanor changed in a blink.

  “I don’t know what you mean, Chase,” I snapped with confusion, wrinkling my brow.

  “I’m not good enough for you, baby.” His voice was lamenting. My breath seized and tears welled in my eyes. “I’m just going to disappoint you over and over again. Just like this past week. I can’t make you happy forever. Trust me, if I thought for just a fucking millisecond that I could, I would die trying.” A single silent tear wet his face.

  A chill passed through me. The trembling was involuntary.

  “Chase, what are you doing? What are you sa
ying?” I cried. “You aren’t making any sense.” I ran my hands along his cheeks, searching for the Chase from two minutes ago. Please. Where was he? “I ... I trust you, I trust you with everything. Every part of my being.” I wanted so much to say I love you that it hurt. But I didn’t. “You make me so happy.”

  The moisture built in his eyes while mine poured. Silence. His strong hands palmed my cheeks and he brushed his lips against mine, soft and gentle, soothing and comforting. A goodbye kiss.

  He stepped back, slowly capturing my watering eyes. “I can’t, Lili. I can’t be with you. I need you to leave.”

  His words ripped my heart out of my chest. I was speechless. A rewind. I needed a rewind. No way he meant what he was saying. I knew he felt it. There was something else, something he wasn’t telling me. My gut was screaming it.

  “I’ll call Pete, he will take you home.”

  Desperate for him to hear me, really hear me, I lashed out. “No. No. Why are you doing this? We fit together and you know it. If you would just trust me, tell me your secrets. Truth, Chase. Please. Truth.”

  But he said nothing. He didn’t think we were worth it. The storm inside me kept brewing.

  “Why won’t you talk to me?” I screamed.

  “I’m sorry, Lili. You should go.” Monotone and devoid of emotion, he repeated himself. Nothing more.

  I wanted to slap some sense into him. I was back to swapping between anguish and fury. My tears abruptly stopped. I was pissed. “I’m not your sweet anymore, not as pure as you thought. Maybe you can find solace in your new case manager, the two of you looked awfully cozy this afternoon,” I hissed. “You know what, Chase? Fuck you!” I grabbed my bag and fled his apartment.

  I stood in the pouring rain outside the Franklin Towers. The cool water dripping down my face and body did little to tame the flames radiating from my body. I hated the rain.

  His black town car pulled to the curb. I hadn’t intended on getting in. Pete jumped out to open the back car door. “Ms. Porter, Dr. Colton insisted I find you and take you home.”

  “I’m sure he did,” I hissed under my breath. I slid inside and slunk back into the seat.