The Heartbreak Cafe

by Melissa Hill

  Patrick stiffened suddenly and Nina was briefly aware of Ruth and Trish retreating slowly from the room, evidently deciding it was best to give them some space.

  But Nina didn’t want time alone with her father; if anything she wanted to get as far away from him as possible. But first she needed to know the truth.

  ‘It’s the reason she left you, isn’t it? The reason she took me away from this place. And she was right – because now I know why you never made the effort to see me, never tried to spend time with me; hell even now you barely give me the time of day. What’s so bad about me that you hated me enough to throw me away, even at such a young age? What the hell did I ever do to you?’ Eyes flashing with anger, she waited for Patrick to turn and face her, but instead he opened a drawer and started to fidget with the utensils.

  Nina gave a short, humourless laugh. ‘Wow,’ she said, ‘What kind of cold, heartless bastard are you that you can’t even give me an explanation? Don’t I deserve that much, at least?’

  ‘I’m sorry Nina,’ he said simply, but his voice was so low she had to strain to hear it.

  ‘That’s it – that’s all I get? You throw me out in a cardboard box and all I get is sorry!’

  Meanwhile Ruth had returned to the room. ‘Nina, maybe you should go outside for a couple of minutes. It’ll help clear your head.’

  ‘Oh I’m going outside alright,’ she answered sharply. ‘But it’ll be for good, because I am never, ever setting foot in this house again!’

  But Patrick remained unmoved, and still shaking, Nina was barely aware of Ruth talking her by the arm and leading her out of the kitchen and then out the front door of the house.

  ‘He gave me away …’ she mumbled slowly. ‘He gave me away, he didn’t want me.’

  ‘Sssh, it’s OK,’ Trish said, coming forward to put an arm around her.

  ‘I don’t have anywhere to go…’ Nina started to cry.

  ‘Don’t worry about that honey, we’ll take care of you, and you can stay with me,’ Ruth told her gently.

  ‘I never want to see him again...’

  ‘And you don’t have to if you don’t want to,’ Trish cooed, ‘Try not to worry.’

  They walked further away from the house, Trish and Ruth gently guiding Nina along the path towards the other side of town.

  ‘I need to talk Mum,’ she wailed, rooting in her handbag for her mobile, but Ruth put a hand on her shoulder.

  ‘I think that’s a very good idea but maybe wait a little until you’ve calmed down. I know you said she was very far away so I’m sure she’ll be doubly frantic if you call her in the state you’re in now. Best to wait until you’ve had a chance to get over the initial shock.’

  Nina knew that Ruth was probably right but still how could she not try and contact her mother? She was the only one who could shed some light on what had happened, as clearly Patrick wasn’t going to tell her anything and there was no one else who would –

  ‘Ella,’ she cried, stopping dead in her tracks.

  Trish looked at her. ‘What about her?’

  ‘I need to talk to her again. I need to ask her what happened that morning – the day she found …me.’ She looked at her friends. ‘Now we know why she was so determined not to talk about it earlier.’ Nina’s mouth set in a thin line. ‘But she has no such excuse now.’

  ‘Sweetheart, you’ve had a shock…it really might not be the best idea…’

  Nina marched forward. ‘I don’t care; I need to know what happened – everything that happened.’

  Conscious that they really didn’t have any say in the matter, Trish and Ruth went quiet and didn’t challenge her any further.

  And when a few minutes later, they reached the door of the café, all three stopped outside it and stared down at the steps, the same thought going through each of their minds.

  Then, having issued instructions to the others that she needed to do this alone, Nina stepped gingerly over the top step of the Hearbreak Cafe, the same one upon which she had been found thirty years before.

  Inside, she scanned the area, searching for Ella.

  The older woman was at the end of the counter, talking to a customer, but as Nina approached, she looked up and met her gaze. Immediately her expression changed and Nina knew that something in her own face had signalled to Ella that she’d uncovered the truth.

  Her boss said something brief to the person she had been talking to, before walking forward to approach her, her manner tentative and gentle. When she was within a few feet of Nina, she stopped and nodded her head in resignation. ‘So you know,’ she said quietly.

  Anger rushed through her, anger so intense that Nina wanted to pound her fists on something just to get the frustration out. ‘Yes I know and more to the point, so did you. You knew about this, knew for all these years that it was me – and yet you didn’t say anything.’ Tears were running down Nina’s cheeks and she had to gulp for air.

  ‘Oh love,’ Ella rushed forward and gathered Nina into an embrace. ‘Let’s go out back and we can talk about this.’ She nodded at the waitress to take over, and swiftly guided Nina through the kitchen and out towards the food storage area.

  ‘My own parents didn’t want me, they don’t love me…’ Because even though Nina was sure Cathy had no part in this, she couldn’t be absolutely certain. After what she’d just learned, how could she be certain of anything?

  ‘Your parents love you very much Nina Hughes, you must know that.’

  ‘But then why would they try to … get rid of me?’

  ‘Oh honey, no. That’s not what happened at all.’

  ‘But it is! My dad … Patrick – he told me himself.’

  Ella took a deep breath. ‘Yes, you’re right, he did do that, but I think there was actually a reason for it.’ She rubbed her hand up and down Nina’s back in an attempt to soothe her.

  ‘Exactly. He did it because he didn’t want me … he doesn’t love me … never has, and what’s worse, Mum let him.’ At this thought, which had just occurred to her, Nina cried as if her heart would break, and as she did, she felt the baby stirring inside her.

  ‘No she didn’t. Please Nina …let me explain. Perhaps it’s best if I start at the very beginning, let you know exactly what happened that night.’

  Nina gulped, not sure now whether or not she wanted to hear it. ‘Fine.’

  Ella cleared her throat. ‘To be honest, the first thing that crossed my mind was that it must be my doughnut delivery,’ she began. ‘Or a delivery of some kind – it isn’t unusual to find fresh stock on the doorstep of the café so early in the morning ...’

  Nina sat for a moment in silence after Ella had finished recounting step by step the events of that morning thirty years before, how she’d found the cardboard box on the step and had initially thought that someone local had left her yet another sad case to take care of – to the subsequent arrival of the GP, and investigations from Frank, who Nina recognised from the café, when he popped in now and again for coffee and a sausage roll. She’d served the older policeman a number of times and he’d never let on a thing.

  She shook her head at Ella; hardly unable to take it all in. ‘I still can’t believe you thought I was a box of doughnuts.’

  The older woman hugged her. ‘I know – but you soon let me know I was barking up the wrong tree.’

  ‘But to think that my own father would just … throw me away like that,’ she continued, fresh tears in her eyes.

  ‘Well as I said, it’s all too easy to be judge and jury until you know the whole story,’ Ella repeated pointedly. ‘And there’s a little more to it.’ She sighed. ‘Here’s the thing. Patrick…your dad … he’s not quite the same as everybody else you know.’

  Nina snorted. ‘That’s an understatement.’

  ‘No I know what you’re thinking and it’s not like that. How can I put this…?’ She paused for a moment before speaking again. ‘For instance, think about what you’re going through right now. You’re hurt, de
eply emotional, and feeling really bad. Well, your dad … he doesn’t experience that.’

  ‘I know, he’s a heartless bastard.’

  ‘Actually you’re wrong. Your father does indeed have a heart. He’s just not very good at showing it – actually he may be incapable of showing it.’ Nina was silent as she tried to decipher what Ella was telling her. ‘Patrick looks at things somewhat … differently from the rest of us – in truth, a lot differently.’ Ella seemed to struggle with her words. ‘For instance, you know how he works on his TVs and all that? Takes things apart and puts them back together in perfect working order?’

  Nina nodded, not understanding where this was going. ‘Exactly, he’s weird; he pays more attention to those damn TVs than he does to his own flesh and blood. If I even am that,’ she added then, another thought suddenly occurring to her. ‘Was that it?’ she asked Ella. ‘Is that why Mum married him? Was she pregnant with somebody else’s child and that’s why he hates me?’

  ‘No no no – your imagination is working overtime now. It’s nothing at all like that. As I told you before your father adored your mother and of course you’re his daughter.’

  ‘Pity,’ she spat.

  ‘Look just try and concentrate on what I’m telling you. Patrick is your father but he’s not the same as most people. He doesn’t have the ability to form strong bonds or emotional relationships with lots of different people like you or I do. Usually, people like him can only concentrate on one at a time – first Cathy and then you, although that did take time.’

  ‘What do you mean, people like him?’

  ‘Okay, let me try and explain this. Have you ever heard of Asperger’s Syndrome?’

  Nina frowned. ‘You mean like autism?’

  ‘It can be considered a version of autism, but a milder, more behavioural form. Of course, I’m not an expert on any of this, but I think there is a good chance that your father has what’s described as Adult Asperger’s.’

  Nina looked at her, dumbfounded.

  Ella continued. ‘As I said I’m no expert, but remember I told you that my older daughter Carly works as a special needs assistant? Well, she told me a few years ago that when learning about the characteristics of this particular behavioural condition that your dad kept popping into her mind – his awkwardness amongst other people, inability to read social cues, his repetitive routines, that kind of thing. I mentioned it to your mother and she read up on it and agreed that yes it was a possibility.’

  ‘My father is autistic and nobody ever told me?’

  ‘No, no – it’s completely different from the kind of thing you’re thinking. It’s more of a behavioural … impairment if you like, in that your dad is perfectly capable of what is generally considered a normal life, but with some differences. Those differences being that he has limited capability for emotions and the kind of personal ties most of us form naturally. As you probably know yourself, Patrick’s mind processes everything as black and white, and if there is a problem he takes the logical approach towards fixing it.’

  ‘So I was a problem?’ Nina said icily, not sure what to think. How could she not have known about this before now?

  ‘Of course you weren’t, not to someone who has a prior understanding of what a newborn is going to be like, and certainly not to someone who understands that new mums can be affected by motherhood differently.’

  ‘I don’t follow ...’

  ‘Well as you know this was a very small village back then and it was no secret that your mother … struggled a little after you were born. Perhaps she might have explained this to you before?’ When Nina shook her head, Ella went on. ‘Baby blues usually sorts itself out after a time or with the right medication. But your father – he didn’t understand that. You must remember that while Patrick always marched to his own beat as such, the one thing that he was truly passionate about was your mother. He loved her so much when they were younger, and I’d imagine he still does. So when you came along … well as I said, Cathy was finding things a bit tougher than expected and this troubled him.’

  ‘She had some kind of postnatal depression?’

  Ella nodded. ‘Exactly. Completely natural, completely normal, but your dad didn’t see it that way, he saw that your mum was tearful and sad and this had only begun after you arrived. So in his own logical way, he decided to take it upon himself to try and solve the problem – his thinking I suppose being that clearly Cathy didn’t understand how to deal with a baby. So he decided to leave you with someone who did.’

  ‘Which is why he left me here – at the café.’

  ‘My lot running around the place were a common sight back then.’ Ella smiled sadly. ‘And of course, everyone knows the way I am about children and animals and all the rest of it, so as far as your dad was concerned who better? If you think about it, and maybe try and see things through his eyes, he thought what he was doing was for the best – for both you and Cathy.’

  Nina stared into the distance, still not quite sure how to process this. Seen like that, yes, it certainly did seem less hurtful but still …

  ‘Really, it didn’t take too much investigating; the place was small and it didn’t take long for Frank to figure out who you belonged to. Besides, your mother was frantic.’

  ‘But why wasn’t my dad arrested?’

  ‘Because most of us knew he was that little bit … different, I suppose.’ She smiled. ‘Frank figured it out faster than the rest of us, and went to have a quiet chat with your dad. He was a good friend of your grandfather’s when he was alive, and was aware of Patrick’s … different way of seeing things from a very young age. Of course there was no label for it anything, yet still people knew his motives were honest. So realistically how could anyone arrest him? Especially when he was only doing what he thought was right. In any case, your mother wouldn’t hear of it.’

  ‘She defended him?’ Nina said, freshly aghast. ‘Why?’

  ‘Well, I suppose you’re going to have ask her about that.’

  Nina was silent for a moment. ‘So the whole town knew he had this Asperger’s thing?’

  ‘Of course not – there are no hard and fast rules for diagnosis and even now one can’t say for sure. The condition itself has only recently been discovered and it’s a tough one to identify, whereas back then it was impossible as it was completely unheard of. As it is, if it wasn’t for Carly we still might not have even considered it.’

  Nina nodded, something in her brain clicking into place when she thought about her father’s behaviour. The highly regimented timekeeping, habitual behaviour and of course, his complete and utter lack of empathy. It was hard to comprehend, yet it did in a way fit.

  ‘You should understand Nina, that your dad does try but it’s hard. I bump into him on the street occasionally and I sense he tries to jumpstart his brain into asking the right question – caring questions. It’s hard for him.’

  ‘Funny he’s never tried that with me.’

  ‘Well, perhaps there is some guilt there too, and when he sees you he gets flustered and just doesn’t know how to deal with it.’

  ‘So this is why he freaked about the fact that I’m pregnant?’

  ‘Did he?’ Ella nodded, as if it was all very reasonable. ‘I guess to Patrick, tiny babies mean trouble.’

  Nina gave a short laugh. ‘I suppose he might have a point there.’ Then she shook her head. ‘I just don’t know how I’m supposed to face him now. How do I even … deal with this?’

  ‘Nina, you have the capacity to be kind, to show appreciation and gratitude. You have close friends, close relationships, and a good heart. Your dad has the best intentions, but he will never have what you have and you must try and accept that. Show some kindness, and most importantly, some understanding. Look, think of it this way. You know the way people with autism are said to live in their own world?’ Nina nodded. ‘Well, those with Asperger’s live in our world, but in their own way.’

  Nina thought for a moment. ‘I need to thi
nk about all this, try and digest it somehow and then, I really need to talk to Mum.’

  ‘You’ll do the right thing, Nina, I know you will. And of course your mother will be better able to explain everything and –’

  But Ella wasn’t able to finish the sentence because at that moment, Nina reached out and roughly grabbed her arm. Then a little while later there was a splashing sound and startled, both women stared at the wetness on her legs and feet.

  ‘Oh no,’ Nina said, unable to believe it. ‘I think my waters just broke.’

  Chapter 37

  ‘This is silly,’ Trish whispered. ‘Why are we waiting out here?’

  She and Ruth were both leaning against the wall of the café.

  ‘Because obviously this is something Nina needs to do on her own. The poor thing. Can you imagine the shock? I hope Ella is able to give her a good explanation.’

  ‘Yeah, the explanation is that Patrick is a messed-up ...’ Her words trailed off. ‘Oh hell …’

  Ruth’s head turned at Trish’s obvious change in tone and following her gaze she saw a trim, nicely dressed woman walking down the street towards them.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, but there wasn’t time for an explanation as suddenly the woman was standing right in front of them, a scornful expression on her face.

  ‘You,’ she said, addressing Trish. ‘How dare you?’

  ‘Look Emer, I really don’t think this is the time or the place –’

  ‘But of course there was a time and place for sleeping with my husband, wasn’t there?’ the woman raged, and Ruth gulped. Oh dear…

  Trish’s face flushed and for once Ruth noticed she seemed lost for words. ‘I …I’m sorry,’ she uttered finally. ‘Believe me I had no idea that you …I mean, I thought that you were – ’

  ‘No idea that he was sleeping with me too? Oh please, spare me the wronged mistress thing, and don’t tell me you fell for “the wife doesn’t understand me” act? I thought you were supposed to be smarter than that.’