Robot Riot!

by Andy Griffiths

  ‘But that doesn’t work,’ said Jack, ‘because you still have to turn the tap on with your germy hands and afterwards you have to turn the tap off with your clean hands and the germs that you left on the tap get back on your clean hands and make them all germy again.’

  ‘I understand the problem,’ said Roberta, ‘but there’s actually quite a simple solution.’

  ‘There is?’ said Newton.

  ‘Yes!’ said Roberta. ‘After you’ve washed your hands, you wash the tap handle, wash your hands again and then use your clean hands to turn off the clean tap—simple!’

  ‘Oh yeah!’ said Jack, nodding and smiling at the logic of Roberta’s solution. ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

  ‘Because you’re not a super-advanced, super-intelligent robot,’ I whispered. ‘That’s why!’

  But Jack just ignored me.

  ‘Well,’ said Roberta, ‘if there are no other objections then let’s clean up this yard!’

  Newton, Jack, Jenny and Gretel leaped into action alongside Roberta, methodically spearing food scraps and pieces of paper. The five of them had half the yard cleaned up in hardly any time at all.

  ‘What’s she up to, I wonder?’ I whispered to Jenny.

  ‘Helping us clean up the yard, as far as I can see,’ she replied.

  ‘That’s just a cover,’ I said. ‘I’ll tell you what she’s really up to: exterminating all the humans and taking over the school and then taking over the rest of the world and establishing robot domination for the rest of eternity—that’s what!’

  Jenny just rolled her eyes. ‘I think you’re being really mean, Henry!’ she said. ‘My mother says that we should look for the good in people, not the bad.’

  Before I could tell Jenny how it didn’t apply in this case because Roberta was not a person but a robot, there was a loud clunk followed by barking that had a strange metallic ring to it.

  ‘Oh no,’ shrieked Jenny. ‘Thief has fallen into the rubbish bin!’

  Roberta reacted immediately. She dashed across to the bin, reached in and pulled Thief out. She placed him safely back on the ground, where he stood blinking . . . and chewing. His trip into the bin had clearly been rewarding for him.

  ‘Oh, you poor dog,’ said Jenny, throwing her arms around him. Then she turned to Roberta, her eyes shining. ‘That was really brave of you to do that—and really nice!’

  ‘Not to mention strong,’ said Gretel, slapping Roberta on the back approvingly. ‘That can’t have been easy: that garbage-guts of a dog must weigh a ton.’

  Roberta shrugged. ‘I just did what anybody would have done under the circumstances.’

  I looked at my friends, who, despite my warning that Roberta was an evil robot, were gathered around congratulating her like she was some sort of hero.

  This was obviously part of her devious plan: win over the humans, lull them into a false sense of security—then strike!

  Well, they could join her fan club if they wanted to, but they could count me out.

  I was on a mission, and I didn’t care how brave or nice or strong or clever she was: I was going to stop her—with or without their help.

  23

  Drawing

  As it turned out I didn’t have to do it all by myself.

  Jack was the first to come over to my side the next morning during art with Mrs Rainbow.

  Entering Mrs Rainbow’s art room was like entering another world. It had a really high ceiling that was painted with stars and planets, and there were heaps of mobiles hanging from the rafters. There were shelves stacked with paints, brushes, tubs of plasticine and modelling clay, egg cartons, cardboard boxes and tubes of all shapes and sizes, plastic bottles, silver foil and piles of coloured card and paper.

  This particular morning Mrs Rainbow had a big bunch of roses in a vase on a pedestal at the front of the room.

  ‘Oh, what beautiful roses!’ said Jenny, putting her nose close to them and sniffing deeply. ‘And what a beautiful perfume!’

  ‘Glad you like them so much, Jenny,’ said Mrs Rainbow, ‘because this lesson we’re going to draw them!’

  ‘I can’t do that,’ said Newton.

  ‘Of course you can,’ said Mrs Rainbow. ‘It’s not that hard.’

  ‘No, you don’t understand,’ said Newton, backing out of the art room. ‘I’m scared of roses.’

  ‘But roses are harmless,’ said Mrs Rainbow.

  ‘They’ve got thorns,’ said Newton. ‘And thorns are pointy and sharp!’

  ‘There, there,’ said Mrs Rainbow, putting her arm around Newton and leading him back into the room. ‘In all my years as an art teacher, I’ve never lost a student to rose thorns yet. You’ll be perfectly safe.’

  ‘Do you promise?’ said Newton.

  ‘I promise.’ Mrs Rainbow sat Newton down at a table and put a pencil in his hand. ‘Now relax and just draw what you see.’

  ‘But all I can see is the thorns!’

  ‘Then draw them!’ said Mrs Rainbow. ‘Thorns are every bit as interesting and beautiful as flowers.’

  Tentatively, barely touching the page with his pencil, Newton began drawing a rather small rose with incredibly enormous thorns.

  ‘That’s beautiful, Newton,’ said Mrs Rainbow. ‘You are bringing your vision of the flower to life. Wonderful . . . just wonderful.’

  Before long we were all quietly drawing away . . . well, all of us except Roberta. She was just staring blankly into space.

  ‘What’s the matter, Roberta?’ said Mrs Rainbow. ‘Why aren’t you drawing?’

  ‘I don’t know how.’

  ‘Just draw what you see.’

  Roberta shrugged. ‘I don’t mean to be rude,’ she said, ‘but what’s the point? If we want a two-dimensional reproduction of the flowers, why not just take a photograph?’

  I elbowed Jack. ‘Spoken like a true robot,’ I whispered.

  ‘You don’t give up, do you?’ he whispered back, looking up from his drawing, which, I have to say, was pretty good. Jack was easily the best drawer in our class.

  ‘No, I don’t give up,’ I said. ‘And neither do robots.’

  But then Roberta did something that surprised me.

  ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘I’ll have a go.’

  ‘Good for you,’ said Mrs Rainbow, patting her on the back. ‘That’s the Northwest Southeast Central spirit.’

  Roberta took a set square and pencil out of her pencil case and drew a grid onto her sheet of paper. Once this was done she held her hands up in front of her face—to make a sort of frame, I guess—and looked at the flowers through it. Then she slowly filled in the grid, square by square. She worked in this way—methodically and accurately—until she had drawn a picture of the flowers that I had to admit was practically as good as a photograph.

  As good as Jack’s drawing was, Roberta’s was even better.

  ‘Oh my!’ said Mrs Rainbow, and she held Roberta’s picture up for us all to admire. ‘This is really special. Are you sure you’ve never drawn roses before?’

  ‘No,’ said Roberta. ‘We didn’t do art at my last school. We focused more on maths and the sciences—work that could be assessed and tested.’

  ‘And where was that?’ said Mrs Rainbow.

  But before Roberta could answer—or not answer—she was interrupted by Fiona. ‘Will we be tested on this?’ she asked hopefully.

  ‘No,’ said Mrs Rainbow. ‘The experience of doing it is enough.’

  Fiona rolled her eyes and sighed.

  Meanwhile, Jack was fuming.

  ‘How did she do that?’ he said, staring in disbelief at Roberta’s picture. ‘It’s not humanly possible to draw that well if you’ve never drawn before.’

  ‘No, it’s not humanly possible,’ I said. ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along!’

  Jack nodded slowly.

  He was finally getting it.

  I felt a jolt of triumph.

  I wasn’t alone anymore.

  Now, if I co
uld just convince the others.

  24

  Arm-wrestling

  At lunchtime Jack was still fuming about being outdrawn by Roberta.

  We were sitting beside the basketball court watching Roberta shoot baskets, one after the other.

  ‘She hasn’t missed a basket since she started,’ said Jack. ‘I think Henry might be right about her.’

  ‘Oh, Jack,’ said Jenny. ‘Not you too!’

  He shrugged. ‘I know, I know. I didn’t believe it at first, but nobody can do what Roberta did in art class. You can’t draw something that good if you have never drawn anything before. She’s got to be a robot with some sort of super-advanced drawing program!’

  ‘Maybe she’s just a really talented drawer,’ said Jenny.

  ‘No,’ said Jack, ‘I’m a really talented drawer. She’s a robot!’

  ‘There’s an easy way to sort this out once and for all,’ said Gretel. ‘If she really is a robot then as well as having super drawing ability she’d have super-strength, right?’

  I nodded. ‘Yes, that would be a reasonable assumption.’

  ‘Well, I’m the strongest person in the school,’ said Gretel. ‘Nobody’s ever beaten me at arm-wrestling—not even myself, and believe me, I’ve tried.’

  ‘We all know that,’ said Jenny. ‘So what’s your point?’

  ‘My point is,’ said Gretel, ‘that if she can beat me at arm-wrestling then we’ll know for sure she’s a robot, won’t we? And if she can’t then she’s not. Does that sound fair to you, Henry?’

  ‘I guess so,’ I said.

  ‘And Jack?’

  ‘That’s fair,’ he said.

  ‘And if Roberta doesn’t beat Gretel then you’ll stop talking about robots once and for all, right?’ said Jenny.

  ‘Right,’ I said.

  ‘Okay,’ said Gretel, jumping up and heading towards Roberta. ‘Let’s go.’

  We followed Gretel to the basketball court.

  Roberta looked up.

  ‘How would you like to arm-wrestle me?’ said Gretel.

  Roberta shrugged. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I’ve never done it before.’

  ‘It’s easy,’ said Gretel. ‘I’ll show you how.’

  She got down on the ground, lay on her stomach and arm-wrestled with herself.

  ‘I’m not sure it’s such a good idea,’ said Roberta. ‘I don’t want to hurt you.’

  Gretel snorted. ‘Don’t worry about that,’ she said. ‘I’m pretty strong. I can take it.’

  ‘All right,’ said Roberta hesitantly, and she lay down opposite Gretel.

  ‘Okay, you two,’ said Jack, crouching down to be the referee. ‘I want a fair arm-wrestle, understand? No tricks. Three, two, one . . . wrestle!’

  Gretel and Roberta locked hands.

  They locked eyes.

  They locked wills.

  Their hands remained in the starting position, their arms shaking with the effort, as they battled furiously with each other.

  Then, gradually, Gretel began to force Roberta’s hand down towards the ground.

  But only for a moment.

  Incredibly, Roberta not only halted the descent, but began pushing Gretel’s hand back up to where they’d started, and kept on pushing until she pushed Gretel’s hand over and held it down hard against the ground.

  Gretel shook her head. ‘I can’t believe it!’ she said, sitting up and rubbing her wrist, as if it were sore. ‘Nobody but my dad has ever beaten me at arm-wrestling. Nobody! How did you do that?’

  ‘I guess I’m stronger than you,’ said Roberta matter-of-factly as she stood up.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ said Gretel, over and over. ‘I just can’t believe it.’

  Jenny kneeled and helped Gretel to her feet. ‘Come on,’ she said, ‘let’s get you to Mrs Bandaid.’

  25

  Ten pieces of evidence that prove beyond a doubt that Roberta is a robot

  1.

  She has a photographic memory. (Knows the school handbook off by heart.)

  2.

  She has a name that sounds like ‘robot’. (Roberta.)

  3.

  She knows the Dewey decimal classification system off by heart.

  4.

  She is super-serious. (Doesn’t laugh at jokes.)

  5.

  She has no imagination. (Doesn’t believe in imaginary horses or zombies.)

  6.

  She does not feel fear. (Touched a spider.)

  7.

  She has super-human intelligence. (See numbers 1 and 3 of this list.)

  8.

  She has super-human story-writing ability. (Mr Brainfright liked her story better than mine.)

  9.

  She has super-human drawing ability. (Drew a better picture than Jack.)

  10.

  She has super-human strength. (Beat Gretel at arm-wrestling.)

  26

  Jenny Friendly

  So now Newton, Jack and Gretel agreed with me, but—despite the mounting evidence—I was still having trouble convincing Jenny. If anything, she seemed to be getting friendlier with Roberta.

  The next morning the two of them arrived at school together practically skipping arm-in-arm.

  ‘Hi, Henry!’ said Jenny, waving.

  ‘Hi, Henry!’ said Roberta, copying Jenny’s words, voice and wave almost exactly.

  ‘Hi!’ I waved back, trying not to let on how freaked out I was. ‘Jenny, do you mind if I speak to you alone for a minute?’

  ‘Why?’ said Jenny. ‘Is something the matter?’

  ‘No, of course not,’ I said. ‘Nothing’s the matter. Nothing’s the matter at all! In fact, I can’t think of a time where nothing mattered less than it does right at this moment!’

  Roberta frowned, shrugged and turned to Jenny. ‘What is he talking about?’ she said.

  ‘Oh, that’s just Henry being Henry,’ said Jenny. ‘You’ll get used to him after a while. I’d better see what he wants. See you in class!’

  ‘See you in class!’ mimicked Roberta, as she walked off towards the classroom.

  ‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing, Jenny?’ I said, once Roberta was far enough away not to hear.

  ‘She’s really nice!’ said Jenny. ‘You’ve got her all wrong, Henry. I don’t know why you’re being so mean.’

  ‘She’s a robot, that’s why!’

  ‘No she’s not!’

  ‘Are you calling me a liar?’

  ‘No, but you know as well as I do that you have a wild imagination.’

  ‘True enough,’ I said, ‘but I didn’t imagine that mission report in her diary!’

  ‘I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for what you saw,’ said Jenny. ‘Maybe you misread it.’

  ‘What part of I am a super-advanced, super-intelligent robot from the future come to cleanse the world of inefficient human beings so that we can take over Earth could I have misread exactly?’

  ‘There’s no need to be sarcastic,’ said Jenny. ‘I just find it a little bit hard to believe, that’s all. Think about it. Even if what you are saying is true—and Roberta really is a super-advanced, super-intelligent robot determined to take over the world—why on earth would she write it all down in her diary and leave it where anybody could find it? That doesn’t seem to be a very super-intelligent thing to do!’

  ‘How would I know why she does what she does?’ I said. ‘I’m not a super-advanced, super-intelligent robot. She probably doesn’t even know herself: she’s most likely just following orders. All I know is what I read.’

  ‘Well, as far as I can see she hasn’t actually done anything evil,’ said Jenny. ‘If anything, she’s been really helpful.’

  ‘Listen to me, Jenny,’ I said, ‘she’s not helpful or nice—she’s trying to lull us into a false sense of security and then she’ll strike!’

  The first bell rang.

  ‘I’m sorry, Henry, but you’ll have to excuse me,’ said Jenny, walking off. ‘I have to
go and put a banana on Mr Brainfright’s desk.’

  That was Jenny Friendly for you.

  She was so nice and friendly that she just couldn’t imagine anybody not being as nice and as friendly as her.

  But that was about to change.

  I heard the scream from the playground.

  27

  Jenny Not-so-friendly

  I ran as fast as I could to the classroom.

  I bounded up the steps in one mighty leap, skidded my way down the corridor and caught hold of the doorframe, and looked into the room.

  Jenny and Roberta were alone in there—standing on either side of Mr Brainfright’s desk, facing each other.

  But Jenny no longer looked like the Jenny I knew.

  Her face was red. She was shaking. ‘I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!’ she was saying over and over.

  ‘I’m only giving Mr Brainfright some bananas,’ said Roberta. ‘I thought it was supposed to be a nice thing to do!’

  On Mr Brainfright’s desk there was not one banana, but a whole bunch of bananas.

  ‘One banana is nice,’ said Jenny. ‘A whole bunch is just showing off! Besides, giving Mr Brainfright a banana a day is my idea! I thought of it first!’

  Roberta stared at Jenny blankly. ‘I’ll take them away then,’ she said.

  ‘No, let me save you the trouble.’ And saying that, Jenny snatched the bananas off the desk and threw them out the window.

  For a moment we just stood there.

  Nobody knew quite what to say.

  I’d never seen Jenny Friendly do anything so unfriendly in her life.