Mrs. Claus

by Amanda Lanclos

  “Yes, ma’am, knows what he wants. Got it,” Lindsey mutters scribbling away. “Let the birdie fly, don’t hold her back. But you want her, you claim her in front of God and country. Got it.”

  I finish my wine and set the glass down. “And by biker, I don’t want a one-percenter. Let’s be clear, I can’t do the outlaw. You know the killing and the danger, can’t have that. I want the weekend rider. Keegan has to be safe at all times with anyone in my life.”

  I see the tears before Lindsey speaks. “Yes, whoever you are with has to be the father figure in Keegan’s life.”

  Reaching over I hug my sister as we squish the list and pen between us. “Lindsey, I know you can’t see it, but one day you will have love again.”

  “There will never be another man like Kyle. I’ll never have love like we had again.” She sobs and I hold her close.

  There will never be another man like Kyle for my sister or her son. I’ve never known a love like theirs but I aspire to have it.

  Silently, I pray. Lord, maybe if you would see fit to give me a man half as good as Kyle for me and for Keegan. I know there is a part of Lindsey that will never be open to anyone again. Let us find happiness and wholeness once again. Amen.

  “Even if he’s not a biker or a Marine, one day Linds I’ll have a good man in my life that is good to me, you, and Keegan. Otherwise, he can hit the road Jack and don’t look back!”

  “Tinsley, I don’t want you worrying about me and Keegan. I just want you to be happy and know love.”

  “If a man can’t be good to my sister and my nephew, he’s not the man for me. I won’t be happy unless my man is good with my family.”

  Together we rest our foreheads on each other. “Family is everything.” We whisper together.

  It is.

  Family is always everything.

  December 16th

  Every second of every day your memory lives on in those left behind.

  “Tinsley,” Lindsey says behind her tears. “Kyle’s unit knew about his tradition of standing duty for Toys for Tots here. They are all each taking a different rotation so when we bring Keegan there will be a Marine standing to serve and protect in honor of his daddy.”

  Emotions pour from me automatically. These men don’t know us. They only know of us from Kyle. Semper Fidelis, always faithful. Kyle said the brotherhood in the Marines was something he couldn’t put into words. Men from his unit have called, wives have sent packages, and the support has not wavered.

  It takes me a few minutes to gather my own composure while my sister is a mess in front of me.

  “Okay Linds, this is not the time to fall apart.” I whisper. “They are paying respect to your husband the best way they know how … continuing a memory, a tradition. We gotta get ourselves together to show honor and respect to these men.”

  Two hours later, we are parked and ready to enter the toy store in Bingham which is just a town over from Jameson. It took some time to get our emotions under control, then fix our makeup and get Keegan ready. Wearing his dress blues, hat included which Keegan informed me is known as a cover, he finally is ready to go. Overall, Keegan is quiet, subdued, and no doubt missing his dad.

  This is the time of the year when children should be overjoyed with excitement and anticipation for the holiday. There are moments where Keegan seems to forget briefly or put aside the sadness to enjoy the holiday season. For the most part though, he is still processing his loss. Lindsey and I feel the same way. How can we expect him to sort through Kyle’s death when we can’t seem to do it as adults?

  Stepping out of my sister’s Chevy Traverse, the cold hits my face while my body is covered in my wool coat and my neck covered by my scarf. The snow is on the ground but not falling from the sky today which is a nice break. My sister comes around to where Keegan and I stand pulling her gloves over her fingers while she too adjusts to the cold.

  We walk up to the entrance, but not inside because the first thing we notice are two Marines in their full dress blue uniforms standing on either side of the Toys for Tots collection box at the entrance. As soon as we approach they raise their hands and salute. Lindsey and I look at each other not sure what we should do.

  Little Keegan releases his grip on both of our hands. Looking to him, slowly his white glove covered right hand goes up. His feet move together, heels touching and toes pointed slightly out as he rolls his shoulders back and lifts his right hand thumb to forehead, flat palm to the ground in salute to the men in front of him. Only after he gives the return salute do the men drop their hands.

  Respect.

  Honor.

  It’s all felt between these men and this little boy.

  There is a table to the left of these men with a picture of Kyle and their unit.

  “Keegan Miller reporting for duty, sirs.” Keegan says while putting his arms straight down at his sides, fists closed and thumbs pointing down.

  “At ease, Marine.” One of the men says and his deep baritone draws my attention to the thin line of his lips and the strong features of his face in jawline and cheek bones. He is simply gorgeous.

  Keegan moves his left foot out to stand beside us shoulder-width apart with his feet and he moves his hands behind his back. Not having spent any time in the military or around military men, I assume this is something Kyle taught his son.

  Extending a hand to my nephew, the man continues. “I am Gunnery Sergeant Causely. You are Staff Sergeant Miller’s son and it is an honor to meet you.”

  Keegan doesn’t make a move to shake the man’s hand.

  “Keegan, shake his hand.” Lindsey commands.

  At first Keegan refuses to speak or turn his head to look at my sister. “Keegan Rosswell Miller, shake the man’s hand. You are bein’ disrespectful.”

  With a small turn of his head, he whispers, “He didn’t say rest, momma. I can’t move from at ease. I gotta relax but listen. I can’t talk right now, Momma. I got my uniform on. You’re messin’ me up.”

  “At rest, Marine,” the man commands and immediately Keegan relaxes and reaches out to the hand.

  “Daddy didn’t teach me what to do about a hand shake, Gunny.”

  I look to Lindsey and the tears are falling down as she no doubt is remembering the times Kyle spent “playing” drill with Keegan.

  “Son, it was an honor and a privilege to serve with your father.” He turns to my sister. “Mrs. Miller, your husband was a valuable asset to our unit, his community, and we hope this is our small way to give back to a Marine who gave us so very much.” He shakes my sister’s hand.

  “Thank you, Ryan.” Lindsey says as the two of them share a moment. Obviously, Lindsey knows this Marine. “Kyle always spoke highly of you and your friendship. I know you are in uniform so you have to be professional, but it’s Lindsey. Mrs. Miller makes me think of my mother-in-law.” Lindsey sighs no doubt thinking of the woman who took her in as her own daughter. Kyle’s mom was an amazing mother-in-law and she passed away before Keegan was even born. Lindsey gave Keegan her maiden name, Rosswell, as his middle name in tribute.

  I see the man in front of me tighten his face no doubt to keep his emotions in check.

  “I am sorry I missed the memorial, Lindsey. Duty first, I was on a training exercise.”

  The somberness in his tone is genuine and I feel something inside of me relax that Kyle had this real comradery and these real connections, friendships in the Marines.

  Turning to me, I get a head nod before he extends his hand to me.

  Electricity zips through me at the contact. “Tinsley Parker, sister-in-law to Kyle.”

  I see only the briefest of a half smile start to form before the man quickly covers it up leaving me to wonder if he felt the zap too. “An honor to meet you and serve today in place of our brother-in-arms. This is Corporal Laclan.”

  The man releases my hand, suddenly leaving me empty and uneasy. He steps back into his position without another word. The other man steps forward extending his hand
. We go through general introductions before he steps back. My body is still alive from the contact with Gunny Causely.

  Lindsey and I look at each other both fighting back so many emotions for what these men represent. They will never know the gift they have given to our family today.

  Keegan reaches into Lindsey’s purse pulling out his Christmas list and dropping it into the mail box. Lost in everything, Lindsey nor I pay attention as Keegan joins the men beside the box to serve his duty alongside them.

  Lindsey and I move to the sidewalk out of the way but still able to be close in case Keegan needs us. It may physically be cold outside, in the thirties actually, but my heart is warm. Kyle is honored for the man he was. We will never be the same without him, but there will be pieces of him with us, warming us, comforting us no matter the storms we weather, or the colds times we face in life.

  “My husband was a good man, an honorable man, and a man of courage. His son will be his legacy.” Lindsey says proudly.

  I look to the sky where the clouds are bright white against the blue background. For December there is snow on the ground but none in the air today. Adjusting my scarf, a warmth covers me and it’s not from the clothing I wear, another reminder of him.

  Kyle may not be with us anymore but his love surrounds us always.

  December 24th

  Is there Christmas in Heaven?

  Work has been busy which is both a blessing and a curse. I’m a mobile dog groomer. Meaning, I have this decked out, specially equipped van that I drive to my clients’ homes and groom their dog from. It’s a dirty job at times, but so rewarding to get to know each pet’s personality.

  I love what I do.

  Right now, though, I feel like Lindsey and Keegan need me more than they are able to get me. Part of that is because my sister is also my secretary, appointment tracker, bookkeeper, office manager, and whatever other title you want to give her. With her needing to grieve Kyle and take care of Keegan, I’ve taken on more of her work. It’s always been a juggling act to run a business that is so hands on, but right now it’s like balancing plates and one is destined to fall.

  Today is a day off for us both. It’s also Christmas Eve.

  Lindsey did decorate the house, trying to keep things semi-normal, and together, the three of us put up the tree. Every ornament seemed to bring up another memory with Kyle. Then we found the box of ornaments from our parents. Going through them all and seeing some of the ornaments they kept left us both in tears from the walk down memory lane.

  Our mother was sentimental. She had the gingerbread ornaments Lindsey and I made in grade school. I remember she used to take out the box every year and make a vanilla extract, cinnamon, and nutmeg mixture, adding a drop to each of the ornaments to rejuvenate the smells they had when we first made them. She also had glass ornaments with our handprints on them every year until we were too big to make them.

  Mom’s best friend, Miss Marie loved to craft. She didn’t have kids of her own so she would always help mom come up with a new craft for us all to do together. She was like an aunt. Miss Marie was an avid reader. Marie gave me my first romance novel and it has been my escape ever since. Lindsey reads too, but Marie and I would spend hours making scrapbook pages together about our favorite books. Lindsey liked to read, but the crafts weren’t her thing. We still read every day, typically the same book so we can talk about it, but I miss crafts with Marie. After Marie’s husband passed away, she moved to her sister’s in Florida to get away from the snow. She can’t travel anymore so we don’t see her, but I do regularly mail her books.

  Stepping inside my sister’s house, the smell of cinnamon hits me just as I hang up my coat and take off my shoes.

  “Linds,” I call out.

  “In the kitchen,” she replies while Keegan rushes to greet me.

  When you walk in my sister’s house she has a small narrow entry way that has a door to her office – our business affairs office – to the left and then leads down about eight feet to the opening to her living room. Off the living room to the left is her kitchen where I move to and find her with a stock pot on the stove.

  “Hey good lookin’, whatcha got cookin’?” I ask as I slide onto the stool across her island.

  She looks at me in her Mrs. Claus apron popping her hip out a little as she stops stirring. “Apples for four apple pies, Mom’s recipe.”

  Her eyes meet mine and they are puffy from tears she obviously has shed today.

  “Why four?” I ask wondering what is really going on other than celebrating a holiday without our loved ones. “It’s just us, I love apple pie, but my hips don’t need four of them.”

  “The men in Kyle’s unit pulled Keegan’s Christmas list from the mailbox at Toys for Tots day. Together they all pooled their money together to get Keegan some presents. I got an email two days after we met Ryan, Kyle’s friend and superior, and the other man at the store. Remember, it’s the email I told you about.”

  “Yes, you told me what they bought so we didn’t spend money we didn’t have to. Why the four apple pies? I thought when the life insurance money was settled you were going to do something for their unit in memory of Kyle and the others who died alongside him. I know money isn’t free flowing right now, but the money will come. I am still paying you. I told you not to worry about Keegan and Christmas.” I ramble on knowing Lindsey and I made sure he got everything on the list that was left after the unit’s gifts.

  Things aren’t easy on my sister, but I have made sure her bills are paid and food on the table. Kyle had survivors’ benefits so she will have some money from that as well as the insurance.

  “Did the gifts from them not arrive?” I ask panicking a bit. “I’m sure I can go out after dinner and get some more things, but I can’t promise everything on the list, Linds.” I sigh fearing the let down my nephew will have. After losing so much this year, I wanted him to have everything he could put on the list. Materials may not take away the loss of our loved ones, but maybe for a few seconds they can help my nephew forget.

  “Gunny Causely - Ryan, will be here tonight after I text him that Keegan is in bed to put the gifts under our tree.” The tears fall down her beautiful face. “He is personally delivering them.”

  “Don’t cry Linds.”

  “These people have gone out of their way for us. I can’t do much right this minute, but I can bake.”

  I feel my own emotions well up and threaten to fall just as hard as her tears.

  She turns off the pot and turns to the pie pans beside her. “There is more. Tinsley, Gunny Causely, as you know him, is part of a motorcycle club, Guardians of the Fallen. He said they will be hosting a run in honor of Kyle here in Vermont next year. They are setting up something called a poker run in honor of each lost member of their unit to the crash. The money raised will go to a college fund for the kids. Keegan’s gonna have a college fund.” She sobs. “I don’t know what else to do but send home food. I can bake. So I’ll give them my best pie to give a little part of our family back to them.”

  And it happens, the tears fall over. My stomach tightens and my chest feels heavy. These people only worked with Kyle. They were all too far away because of Lindsey’s decision to stay here to help me with my business and be around for our aging parents.

  Keegan comes in the kitchen just as I manage to stop crying and Lindsey gets the last of the four pies in the oven. He wraps his small arms around my waist and gives me a side hug.

  “Aunt Tins, I missed you today!”

  “Oh buddy, Aunt Tinsley loves you so very much and I am so happy to be home tonight with you and your momma.”

  He looks up at me and then over to Lindsey. “Why are you guys cryin’?”

  “Just missin’ your daddy,” I tell him.

  “Aunt Tins, do you think there is Christmas in Heaven? Will my daddy be able to celebrate where he is?”

  The world stops. The innocence in his question halts thoughts of anything and everything.

&
nbsp; Lindsey drops the pot holder in her hand and loses it. She crumbles to the floor against the cabinets. Keegan releases me and rushes to his mom, while I slide off the stool and follow him over to her, both of us joining her on the floor.

  “Mom, don’t cry. It’s okay if Daddy can’t have Christmas. He’s a Marine, so he’ll be okay.” Keegan tries to comfort Lindsey. “Once a Marine, always a Marine. You know, Mom. Even in Heaven, he’s still a Marine. He will be okay.”

  Lindsey fights for composure while I drape an arm over her shoulder and pull my nephew to sit on my lap.

  “Keegan,” I begin. “Your Daddy was the strongest man I ever knew. I’m sure he’s having Christmas with Pop-pop and Nana.”

  Keegan takes his attention from his mom to look at me. He whispers seriously worried for his father. “Aunt Tins, what will they do? I mean angels don’t eat, they don’t have presents. What will my Daddy do? How do they have Christmas?”

  I feel my cheeks heat with the warmth of my own tears falling. “Well,” I say finding my voice cracking. “You know your Daddy loved you very much. He was also always everyone’s protector. So I imagine, your Daddy is in Heaven watching over us. He’s celebrating the love we all have for each other and for him.”

  “Do you think he’s okay, Aunt Tins?”

  I feel myself ready to break. My sister gasps fighting her emotions are she shakes in my arm. Rather than speak, I pull Keegan to me and hold him close kissing the top of his head. It takes me a few seconds to get myself under control.

  “I think your Daddy is more than okay, Keegan. You know what they say buddy, love it knows no distance. As much love as we have for your daddy and your daddy has for you well it’s like he’s right here with us because we can still feel that ya know?”

  Keegan nods his head against me. “I really miss him,” he whispers. “I wish he could be here with us.”