Insane City

by Dave Barry

  “What’s up?” said Marty.

  “Quiet,” said Big Steve, pointing at the screen.

  “. . . chase ended in this multiple-car wreck on Biscayne Boulevard outside of Bayside Marketplace,” Renaldo was saying. The screen showed a street strewn with dented and smashed cars at various angles, dazed drivers wandering among them. “Police say that sixteen cars were involved, but it appears that nobody was seriously hurt. In the confusion, the suspects abandoned their vehicles and fled on foot into the crowded shopping complex—with the orangutan.”

  “Orangutan?” said Marty.

  “Shh,” said Big Steve.

  “Police are questioning witnesses,” said Renaldo, “but Action 5 News has learned that there are reports the gang may have fled by boat. We have also just received this video, taken by a tourist at Bayside, showing members of the so-called Ape Gang making their way through the crowd.”

  On the screen now was a shaky video, evidently taken from somewhere inside a crowd of gawkers. At first it was mainly the backs of heads. A voice could be heard shouting, “Excuse me! Let us through, please!”

  And then there was Seth. He was on-screen for two seconds, his arm around Laurette. This was followed by a flash of Meghan’s face, then Trevor’s.

  Renaldo said, “Police are asking anyone who has—”

  Big Steve muted the sound. The room was silent.

  “Holy mother of fuck,” said Marty.

  “I know, right?” said Kevin.

  “What is he doing?” said Marty. “With an orangutan?”

  “He says it’s complicated,” said Big Steve.

  “You talked to him?”

  “He called a little while ago. He wanted to make sure we were in the room. Said he’s bringing some people here.”

  “What people?”

  “He says that’s also complicated.”

  “Does he know he’s supposed to be getting married? Like, soon?”

  “I assume so,” said Big Steve. “Tina’s looking for him. She’s been calling here.”

  “Oh Jesus,” said Marty. “What’d you tell her?”

  “I said he went for a walk,” said Kevin.

  “He went for a walk?”

  Kevin shrugged. “Best I could do. Short notice.”

  Marty slumped onto the sofa. “This is very, very, very bad,” he said. “If he fucks up this wedding, Tina will kill him. She will remove his balls with barbecue tongs.”

  Kevin and Big Steve nodded, knowing that this was hyperbole, but only mild hyperbole.

  “Maybe he’ll get here in time,” said Big Steve. He looked at his watch. “There’s still a little time.”

  “Except he’s probably going to get arrested,” said Kevin, nodding toward the TV. “He’s on there every thirty seconds. He’s like the fucking GEICO gecko.”

  “He’s gonna need a lawyer,” said Marty. Kevin and Big Steve looked at him.

  “What?” said Marty.

  “Marty,” said Kevin, “don’t screw this up worse than it already is.”

  “What are you talking—”

  The phone rang. Big Steve grabbed it. “Hello? Jesus, Seth! What the—OK, OK. Yeah, he’s here. Hold on.” He handed the phone to Marty.

  “Seth?” said Marty. “What the . . . OK. Yeah. OK, go ahead.”

  For the next several minutes, Marty listened in silence, except for emitting the occasional “Oh Jesus.” Finally, he said, “Are you sure? I mean, couldn’t they just . . . OK. OK. When?” Marty looked at his watch. “OK, we’ll be there. OK. Bye.”

  Marty hung up. “Jesus,” he said.

  “What?” said both Kevin and Big Steve.

  “He’s bringing the Haitians.”

  “What Haitians?”

  “The ones he had in his room. Remember? He told us?”

  Blank stares.

  “OK, he had these Haitians in his room, which he found in the ocean. He was hiding them from the police while this guy tried to find their sister. But then Mike Clark’s security guys grabbed them.”

  “Why’d they do that?” said Kevin.

  “Apparently Mike didn’t want them around because they might interfere with the wedding. So he had his guys, like, kidnap them. So Seth and Cyndi and Meghan went after them and they got the Haitians back, but there was some shooting . . .”

  “Some shooting?” said Kevin.

  “That’s what he said, some shooting, and now the cops are after them for various things they think they did even though, according to Seth, they didn’t really do any of them, including, supposedly, a robbery.”

  “A robbery?” said Kevin.

  “What about the orangutan?” said Big Steve.

  “He didn’t really explain the orangutan,” said Marty. “But here’s the thing. He wants to bring the Haitians back here, hide them in this room. He doesn’t want them to get into any trouble.”

  “Why’s he so concerned about them?” said Kevin.

  “He didn’t go into it. He just said it’s very important. So he wants us to go out and meet them. They’re all coming here, to the hotel—by boat.”

  “Where, exactly?” said Big Steve. “Out there on the beach?”

  “Yeah. The beach.”

  Kevin went to the balcony window, looked out. “There’s a bunch of boats out there right now,” he said.

  Marty went over and looked. “Those aren’t them,” he said.

  “How do you know?”

  “Because,” said Marty, “Seth says they’re on a pirate ship.”

  67

  “You see that boat?” said Brewer. “The pirate boat?”

  From the bridge of the Bay Wanderer, Castronovo was pointing at the Barco Loco, a quarter mile ahead, turning right into Government Cut.

  “I see it,” said Joe Sarmiento, at the wheel.

  “We want you to catch that boat.”

  “That’s not the route we take,” said Joe. “We’re supposed to follow a specific—”

  “We don’t give a rat’s ass what route you’re supposed to take,” said Brewer. “The men on that boat have committed robbery and kidnapping. There are innocent victims aboard that boat. This is a police emergency, and you need to cooperate with us.”

  “Can I at least radio the base, let them know—”

  “No,” said Brewer, stepping close. “You’re not going to radio anybody. You’re going to do exactly what we say. You catch that boat, understand?”

  “OK,” said Joe. He glanced at Yolanda Berkowitz and shrugged. Hey, they have guns.

  Yolanda, her face reddening, faced Brewer. “Those are innocent people down there,” she said. She pointed down toward the observation deck, behind and below the bridge enclosure, where rows of cruisers sat expectantly in the sun. “They paid for a tour. They have nothing to do with this. You can’t just—”

  “They’ll be fine,” said Brewer. “Everyone will be fine, long as you cooperate. We just need to catch that boat, that’s all. Then we’re out of your life.”

  Yolanda reached for the door handle. Castronovo grabbed her arm and said, “Where are you going?”

  “I’m the tour guide,” she said. “I’m supposed to give the tour. I stand out there by the microphone.”

  “Right there,” said Castronovo, pointing to a microphone mounted on the wall next to Sarmiento. “Use that one.”

  Yolanda looked at Joe, who shrugged again. She turned the knob to PA, unhooked the microphone, held it to her mouth, pressed the key. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she said, “welcome aboard the Bay Wanderer. Today we have a very special tour in store for you.”

  Ahead, the Barco Loco had completed its turn into Government Cut and was disappearing behind the massive stern of a cruise ship.

  Brewer nudged Joe. “Speed it up,” he said.

  Joe pushed the throttles forward.

  68

  The phone rang just as the Groom Posse was headed out the door to meet the pirate boat. The Groom Posse almost didn’t answer, but decided it might be i
mportant. Marty trotted over and grabbed the phone.

  “Hello? Oh, hey, Tina!” He gave Kevin and Big Steve an Oh shit look. “Yes, I do know where he is. I just talked to him. He’s on his way here right now and . . . Oh. So you saw the TV news.”

  “Oh shit,” said Kevin.

  “Listen, Tina,” said Marty, “I can explain this. Seth had these Haitian people he res— OK, so you know about that. Well, anyway, apparently those two big dudes who work for your dad— OK, you know about that, too. Right. Right. I’m sure they were, but Seth was concerned so he went to, um, get them back and apparently there were some, um problems tha— Right, I understand, and I’m sure Seth totally agrees— Right, no, I know you do— Of course, it’s your wedding day, and I’m sure Seth totally— OK. Right. No, he shouldn’t, and I’m sure he wou— Right. Right. Of course. But anyway, the important thing is, he’s on his way here right now and he should be here any minute. He just called. Wha— Well, yes, they’re still with him, but he’s— Tina? Tina?” Marty looked at Kevin and Big Steve. “She hung up. She is really pissed.”

  “So what do we do?” said Big Steve.

  “We’re the Groom Posse,” said Marty. “We got the groom’s back.”

  “What the hell does that mean?” said Kevin.

  “I don’t know yet,” said Marty. “Let’s go.”

  69

  Tina stared at the phone for several seconds. Gathered in a semicircle in front of her were her mother, Blaze Gear, Tracee and Traci. Behind them the TV was showing, yet again, the Bayside Marketplace video of Seth struggling through the crowd, his arm around Laurette.

  “I do not fucking believe this,” said Tina. She looked up. “He’s bringing them back here.”

  “So that’s good!” said Blaze, always thinking timeline. “If he gets here in the next half hour, we’re—”

  “It’s not good,” said Tina. “He still has those people with him! It’s like he doesn’t care about me at all! About his own goddamn wedding. All he cares about is those people who shouldn’t even be here.”

  Marcia put her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “Look, Tina, once he gets here I’m sure everything will be OK.”

  “Except the police are after him.”

  “Daddy can take care of that, honey. We can make this all work.”

  Tina looked at her mother for a few seconds, then nodded. “Yes we can,” she said. “We can make this work.” She picked up her cell phone, hit the speed dial. She waited, tapping her fingers impatiently, but not in such a way as to jeopardize her manicure.

  “Hello, Daddy?” she said. “Your guys screwed up. Time for Plan B.”

  70

  The Barco Loco had reached the ocean, having motored past the line of cruise ships at the Port of Miami and passed though the jetties at the end of Government Cut. Bobby Stern spun the wheel right, aiming the ship toward Virginia Key and, just beyond, Key Biscayne. As the boat turned, Bobby glanced to the right and frowned. “That’s weird,” he said.

  “What?” said Duane.

  Bobby pointed astern. “The Bay Wanderer,” he said. “That’s a tour boat. They don’t come this way.”

  Duane looked. The Bay Wanderer was nearing the end of the jetties. “Maybe it’s a special charter.”

  “Maybe,” said Bobby.

  “On your left,” Yolanda was saying into the microphone, “is Miami’s famous South Beach, which is . . . famous for its many celebrities.” Yolanda was winging it; this was uncharted tour-boat territory. A few of the passengers were looking toward her curiously, but most appeared to be oblivious to the Bay Wanderer’s deviation from course.

  They reached the end of the jetties. Sarmiento turned right, aiming at the Barco Loco.

  Brewer nudged Joe Sarmiento again. “Faster,” he said.

  Reluctantly, Joe pushed the throttles all the way forward. The boat surged ahead, now yawing in the ocean swells. Behind the bridge, a few passengers were starting to look concerned.

  “Say something,” Castronovo ordered Yolanda.

  Yolanda keyed the microphone. “Coming up on our right, ladies and gentlemen, is Key Biscayne, which is the home of many, um, residents. To your left is, more or less, Europe.”

  They were gaining rapidly on the Barco Loco.

  “What am I supposed to do when we catch him?” said Joe.

  “You’re going to pull up next to him,” said Brewer. “And I’m going to get on board and take some people off.”

  “What if he doesn’t want to stop?”

  “He’ll stop,” said Brewer.

  “What the hell is he doing?” said Bobby.

  “Looks to me like he’s chasing after us,” said Duane.

  The Bay Wanderer was now less than a hundred feet behind them and closing fast.

  “It definitely does,” said Bobby.

  “Hey, Seth!” Duane called down to the deck.

  Seth looked back, saw Duane beckoning him to the bridge. He trotted back and up the steps.

  “What?” said Seth, coming up the ladderway.

  Duane pointed back at the Bay Wanderer.

  “We think he’s chasing us.”

  Seth shaded his eyes, squinted at the fast-approaching tour boat. He focused on the figures on the bridge.

  “Shit,” he said. “That’s them. That’s the guys who are after us.”

  “They hijacked a tour boat?” said Bobby.

  “These are not good guys,” said Seth. “Can we go any faster?”

  “Not really,” said Bobby. “I got her pretty much maxed out.”

  “How far to the Ritz?”

  “Not far. Five minutes?”

  “He’s gonna catch us before then,” said Duane. Indeed, the Bay Wanderer was pulling up along the left side of the Barco Loco.

  “YOU THERE, PIRATE SHIP!” the voice of Castronovo boomed from the Bay Wanderer PA speakers. “STOP RIGHT NOW!”

  From the bridge, Bobby flipped the Bay Wanderer the bird.

  “Get closer,” said Brewer.

  “If I get too much closer,” said Joe, “we’re gonna hit him.”

  “I don’t give a shit,” said Brewer. “Get closer.”

  Sarmiento eased the wheel to the right. The gap between the Bay Wanderer and the Barco Loco began to narrow.

  Behind the bridge, on the observation deck, the passengers were watching the chase with varying emotions, some concerned that something was wrong, others convinced they were witnessing a performance, a fake sea battle between the tour boat and the pirate ship. Many were using their cell phones to shoot video.

  The two ships were very close now. Castronovo turned to Brewer. “Now what?” he said.

  “Just keep us close,” said Brewer. He opened the bridge door and stepped out, drawing his gun.

  “What’s he gonna do?” said Duane. “Ram us?”

  The Bay Wanderer was now dead even with the Barco Loco, about ten yards away and getting closer. As Bobby, Duane and Seth watched, Brewer appeared on the exterior walkway alongside the Bay Wanderer’s bridge.

  “Shit,” said Bobby. “He’s got a gun.” He turned to Seth. “Would he actually shoot us?”

  “That guy,” said Seth, “he might.”

  As he spoke, Brewer raised the gun, not aiming it, but showing it to Bobby. With his other hand he drew his finger across his throat, signaling Cut the engine.

  “Thoughts, gentlemen?” said Bobby.

  “Fuck that asshole,” said Duane.

  “Roger,” said Bobby, spinning the wheel hard right.

  “He’s turning away,” said Castronovo. “Stay with him.”

  Joe spun the wheel.

  “He’s coming,” said Bobby. He kept turning hard right, turning the Barco Loco a full 360 degrees, putting it back on its original course. The Bay Wanderer executed essentially the same maneuver but made a wider turn, in the process falling behind again. But it was soon closing the gap.

  “This ain’t gonna work for long,” said Bobby.

  “How far to t
he Ritz now?” said Seth.

  Bobby glanced at the Key Biscayne shoreline. “Not far,” he said. “But we can’t outrun them.”

  The Bay Wanderer was pulling up on the left again. Brewer was now aiming his gun at the Barco Loco. There was a pop and a piece of wood molding on the bridge splintered. Brewer made the Cut the engine sign again.

  Bobby again spun the wheel. “OK,” he said. “So he definitely will shoot.”

  Both boats were turning now, making another pair of circles, the Bay Wanderer close after the Barco Loco.

  “We can’t keep this up forever,” said Bobby.

  “You got any weapons on board?” said Duane.

  “No guns, no. We got the propane cannons, but all they do is make noise.”

  “He doesn’t know that,” said Duane. “Maybe we can use them to scare him off.”

  Bobby frowned. “Actually,” he said, “maybe we can do better than that.”

  Castronovo stepped out of the Bay Wanderer’s bridge onto the walkway, next to Brewer. “We need to wrap this up,” he said. “The passengers are going to start wondering what the fuck is going on.”

  “Just get me close again,” said Brewer, staring at the Barco Loco.

  “I don’t know, man,” said Castronovo. “I think we’re pushing this.”

  “We’re covered,” Brewer said. He nodded toward the Barco Loco. “Those are suspects wanted by the police. We’re ex-cops. We commandeered this boat to apprehend the wanted suspects. Doing our civic duty. That’s our story.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t think Mike’s gonna want—”

  “Mike wants the Haitians gone,” snapped Brewer. “That was our job, and we fucked it up, and if they show up back at the hotel on a fucking pirate boat, we’re going to look like idiots. I don’t want to look like an idiot. Do you want to look like an idiot?” He turned his oozing face toward Castronovo, who almost flinched at the fury he saw in his partner’s eyes.