Constellation

by Jennifer Locklear

  “Why? Is she jealous? Does she want you back?”

  “Not even close, but that’s probably because I’m just a selfish prick of a father.”

  Adrift on these undulating waves of pressure, the three of us relocated to my father’s apartment in the Pearl District. Out of respect for Allison’s feelings, Jack and I had settled into separate bedrooms, and we stopped having sex. It was an awkward situation for all of us, and we navigated the unfamiliar terrain with caution.

  Interactions between Allison and I were limited and strained. Jack filtered the majority of her communications with me. Based on what little he’d shared with me, Allison respected everything my family was doing on Heide’s behalf, but he suspected she felt guilty for not being there when Heide’s accident occurred.

  As the day for Heide’s discharge from the hospital grew closer, I began to make plans for the next phase of our journey. She was going to need a bedroom, and I needed to make other living arrangements. My inclination was to return to Bend, but Jack pleaded with me to stay in Portland. Logically, I believed this to be a bad idea, but I was too softhearted to turn him down. When Dr. Avery announced that Heide would be leaving the hospital in mid-August, I reserved a suite at the Sentinel.

  On the morning of her discharge, I remained behind at the apartment while Jack and Allison went to the hospital to bring their daughter home. I packed up most of my things, cleaned up the space and ordered some groceries for delivery, hoping it would ease the day for all. I had just finished putting away all the items from the store when the family arrived.

  Jack was carrying his daughter in his arms. Her head rested in its usual place in the crook of his neck, and she cradled her Minecraft Zombie against her chest. Allison went straight to Heide’s bedroom and began organizing the space.

  I couldn’t resist. I walked up to Jack and Heide and hugged them both in gratitude and love.

  “I’m so happy to see you here,” I said as I ran my fingers through her golden blond hair.

  “I’m so happy to be out of that place,” she said without lifting her head from her father.

  Jack held the three of us together for several heartbeats longer than necessary, and I basked in the extraordinary moment. Two months earlier, Jack and I had arrived in Portland unsure if he would ever hold his daughter again. He wasn’t bringing her home to Bend yet, but it was easy to see he was enjoying his happiest moment since the night Heide regained consciousness.

  “Are you hungry?” he asked her.

  “I want pizza.”

  “I’ll make you one,” he said before setting her down on the floor. “Why don’t you sit on the couch and watch some TV?”

  “Okay,” she answered as she reached out for my hand. “Come on, Kathleen. Let’s see if SpongeBob is on.”

  We walked to the sofa, and I handed her the remote control. I instructed her on how to find her favorite channels, and together we located her show.

  “This is a cool place,” Heide said, glancing around the living room. “Mom says this belongs to you? How come we’ve never been here before?”

  “This is my father’s apartment. He stays here when he works in Portland.”

  “Oh.” Her voice was quiet.

  I studied Heide’s face and ascertained that she was tired. “Why don’t you stretch out on the couch and rest for a few minutes? Do you want some lemonade?”

  “Okay.”

  “I’ll be right back.”

  When I rounded the corner to the kitchen, Jack surprised me with a firm but quick kiss on the lips. His tongue encircled mine briefly before he pulled away. Deprived of his touch for so long, my body’s primal reaction was instantaneous. Nevertheless, I wagged a finger at him in mock anger and shook my head, trying to suppress a laugh while opening the refrigerator. He returned to his culinary duties.

  “When are you heading over to the hotel?” he asked after I retrieved the lemonade and opened the cupboard to reach for a small glass.

  “After lunch. Heide seems tired already, so I want to make sure she can relax this afternoon.”

  Jack put the finishing touches on Heide’s homemade pepperoni pizza and placed it in the oven.

  “I’m going to go talk to Allison while that’s cooking. Can you help me keep an eye on it?”

  “Sure.”

  Jack disappeared into Heide’s new bedroom while I placed a bendy straw in her glass and delivered her drink. Heide took a couple of sips as she watched Patrick Star annoy Squidward Tentacles.

  “Patrick isn’t very bright,” I commented.

  “Nope. Sometimes I’m not very bright either.” Heide’s hand drifted up to the healing wound in the center of her throat, a gesture that concerned me.

  “Do you remember the accident?” I’d been curious about the answer for weeks.

  “No. I just woke up in the hospital. It’s weird. I don’t know why I did that.”

  “We all do things we wonder about later.”

  “Even when you’re already a grown-up?”

  “Definitely.”

  “Sometimes I feel smarter than adults.”

  I grinned. “That’s because you are.”

  Behind a closed bedroom door, the sound of Allison’s angry voice reached the living room. I grasped the remote control, and I turned up the volume of Heide’s cartoon before standing up.

  “I’m going to check on your pizza,” I said louder than usual. It was my subtle way of reminding Heide’s parents that their voices could be overheard. It failed.

  I walked into the kitchen and peeked in the stove, knowing that the pizza would not yet be finished. As I returned to the living room, Allison’s voice rose up once again.

  “Why weren’t you watching Heide more closely, Jack? Do you want to know my theory? I think your new girlfriend is the reason why!”

  I flinched at Allison’s harsh comment. It wasn’t rational, but she was cracking under the stress of the entire situation. Allison needed to vent somehow and my relationship with Jack was an easy target.

  “Is it so terrible that I want to spend an evening with her?” Jack responded. His words rattled me more than Allison’s had.

  “Yes, Jack. Yes, it’s terrible! Your daughter hasn’t been out of the hospital for an hour before you’ve decided to run off for a celebratory lay!”

  Perturbed and embarrassed, I crossed my arms and stepped into the living room just far enough to check on Heide. She was no longer paying attention to her cartoon. Instead, she was sitting up on the couch, staring toward the sound of her mother and father’s argument.

  “You have a lot of fucking nerve, Allison! You know that?”

  “What do you mean by that?” she demanded.

  “You left us! You ran back to Baltimore without any worry for her! You’ve been gone for close to a year, and you’ll go back the first chance you get! I’m talking about a few hours off for a breather! God dammit, you owe me this! You’ve been on a breather for months!”

  I marched over to the living room sofa with the intention of distracting us both from eavesdropping. I took my seat next to Heide and reached for the remote control once again.

  “Why are they so upset with each other?”

  “They’re both tired. Adults get cranky when they worry too much about things.”

  “They’re yelling because they’re worried about me?”

  “They’re tired because they’ve been worried about you, but they’re yelling because of other reasons.”

  Heide’s hand returned to the scar tissue on her throat and squeezed her wound.

  I took her hand in mine. “You have to remember that your neck is still healing. You shouldn’t touch it with your bare hands for the time being.”

  “Sorry.”

  I patted her hand. “Don’t be sorry, Heide.”

  Much to our mutual dismay, Jack and Allison’s loud exchange continued for several minutes. It was the first time I’d experienced this volatile side of Jack’s personality, and I didn’t like what
I was hearing. My own anger rose.

  Jack hadn’t spoken to me about an evening out prior to bringing it up with Allison. I would have discouraged him from following through on the idea and considered he hadn’t mentioned it to me because he already knew I would resist.

  The argument disintegrated into a screaming match. I struggled with choosing the best option to ease the situation for Heide.

  “You know what, Jack? Just take your girlfriend and all her things and leave right now! Leave and go downtown and let her suck your cock for as long you need her to!” Allison’s rage was palpable.

  Heide may not have understood what her mother’s words meant, but regardless she dropped her chin to her chest and sobbed. I carefully took her small face in my hands before kissing her on the head.

  “I’m going to go stop this now,” I explained. “But I’m going to have to raise my voice, too. Just hold still for a minute.”

  She nodded.

  Then I stormed my way into their fight. I shoved the bedroom door hard enough so that it swung wide and bounced back off the wall.

  “Stop it! Both of you! Now!”

  Jack and Allison were at the foot of the bed in the center of the room. He glared at her, his face red and his eyes blazing. She was glaring right back, their faces so close that one might have guessed they were on the verge of kissing. At my entrance, they both looked at me, startled, but it didn’t last long.

  Allison narrowed her eyes and opened her mouth, but I cut her off. “If you two want to fight, fine! But do it somewhere where your daughter isn’t forced to listen!” Then I whispered fiercely. “You’re scaring her!”

  Realization flickered across Allison’s face. She glanced over my shoulder to the hallway beyond with a growing look of worry.

  “You need to apologize to Kathleen.” Jack’s voice was low, but still raging with fury.

  Naturally, this comment pissed off Allison, but it also embarrassed me. I quickly closed the door to the bedroom as Allison turned back for her rebuttal but I beat her to it.

  “For fuck’s sake, Jack!” I yelled. “Don’t even try to make this about me. Both of you need to calm down. Go back into the living room and put Heide at ease. She’s the important one here. Not me. And not either of you!”

  Jack glared at me as he jabbed a finger toward Allison, his nostrils flaring. “I won’t have anyone speak about you like that! It’s despicable!”

  “I really don’t give a shit, Jack!” I walked to the door and grabbed the knob before looking over my shoulder. “No one is the villain here. Remember that.”

  I opened the door and marched out, satisfied that I had derailed their fight. The entire incident had dredged up long-suppressed emotions in me. I returned to Heide’s side. It took every ounce of my self-control to sit with Heide and present a tranquil face. I held her hand while we waited to see what happened next.

  The bedroom door clicked closed once more. After a minute or two of agonized silence, Allison and Jack walked into the living room together. Their ire had deflated and a tense truce hung in the air.

  Allison sheepishly focused her attention on Heide, who let her guard down upon seeing her parents and began another round of fatigue-induced crying. I abandoned my seat on the sofa and allowed her mother to comfort her.

  I retreated to the kitchen and pulled Heide’s pizza from the oven. The edges of the crust had begun to darken but her lunch was salvageable. I concentrated on slicing the pizza with forceful yet shaky hands.

  When I stepped back into the living room, carrying Heide’s lunch on a plate, Jack was standing behind the sofa. He watched Heide intently but glanced at me. This only angered me more. I looked away from Jack and leaned against the wall for support, disappointed with his lack of common sense.

  I wanted nothing more than to extricate myself from this place but refused to commit to the idea until Heide calmed down. I also needed the assurance that Jack and Allison were composed. I caught Jack watching me a second time. Annoyed, I pointed Jack in the direction of his daughter with an angry gesture of my hand.

  He obeyed my command, but there was a certain amount of uneasiness in his posture. I knew him well enough by now to understand what he was thinking. I’d told Jack more than once I would not be the cause of trouble with his ex-wife and his daughter. Now, that was precisely what had happened.

  I was mortified. I was anxious. But most of all, I was pissed off Jack was splitting his attention between his daughter and me. I couldn’t take that.

  I straightened up from the wall. “Heide? I’m going to go now. I’ll see you later,” I said, selecting words to emphasize my point to the girl’s parents.

  “Will you come back tomorrow?” she asked, still scared and uncertain.

  Seeing this brave girl so upset tore my heart. “I’m planning to.”

  Heide lifted her arms for a hug, and Allison respected this, withdrawing from the couch with no fuss. I walked over to the sofa and set Heide’s lunch on the coffee table before leaning in to hug her. When the tight squeeze of her arms pulled on my neck, I almost lost my nerve to walk away.

  I whispered in her ear. “They’re done being angry now. You’ll be fine.”

  She nodded.

  I knew Jack was watching the two of us, but I refused to meet his stare. When I pulled back, I gave her a kiss on the cheek along with a smile. Then I grabbed my suitcase from the entryway and left without speaking another word or sparing another glance at Jack or Allison.

  I CHECKED into the Sentinel and left word at the front desk that I was not to be disturbed. I abandoned my suitcase by the closet door and dropped into a wingback chair to indulge in a crying session of my own. Several minutes later, I wandered into the bathroom and splashed cool water on my face.

  My phone pinged from inside my purse and I braced myself. It was a single text message from Jack. Too upset to open it, I scrolled through my contacts until I located Theresa Mayfair. I placed my free hand on my hip and pressed the green button to call her. She was as dependable as ever, answering within a couple of rings.

  “Kathleen? What’s happened?”

  I made a miserable attempt at acting casual. “Why do you assume something has happened?”

  “Dear,” she chided, “do you ever call me otherwise?”

  I covered my eyes with my hand and let another round of tears loose. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. Where are you?”

  I sniffled before answering her. “I’m at the Sentinel.”

  “Do you want me to come over there?”

  “No. I just need to talk.”

  “I’m sorry you’re so upset. I’d heard rumors that things between you and your father were improving.”

  “This isn’t about him. For once.”

  “Well, then. We really do need to talk.”

  I told Theresa everything about my relationship with Jack. I told her because, outside of Robert, I hadn’t spoken to anyone about falling in love. I spoke about Heide’s accident and explained how I’d struggled to manage our relationship over the complicated summer. I also revealed everything about the blowup earlier in the day. Theresa listened without interruption, and as I processed my thoughts and described them, I realized something significant.

  I’d become a defender of Heide just as Theresa had been a defender of me. All my life, Theresa had stood between my father’s rages and me. It was difficult to accept that I’d had to intervene on Heide’s behalf with her own father, a man I thought was the total opposite of Robert. The realization that even a devoted father like Jack could lose control in front of his daughter was more than I could bear.

  “I need your advice,” I said. “I need to figure out what to do next.”

  “Do you want to remain in Portland? Or do you want to go back to Bend?”

  “Neither,” I grumbled.

  “Either way you need to speak with Jack.”

  I was paralyzed by the prospect—a terrified child all over again.

 
; “Kathleen? Are you there?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ve come too far with this man and his daughter. You have to face this problem with him. You cannot run away from it.”

  I shook my head. I thought I knew who Jack was, but what I’d witnessed that afternoon was foreign and familiar all at once. “Heide still has a long road ahead of her. What happened today, it could just keep on happening and none of it will be beneficial to her. Everything is becoming thorny.”

  “I’ve known you all your life, Kathleen. I don’t need to point out what you’ve endured from a young age. I understand better than most your strong desire to manage your own life and keep things simple. You’ve been surprised and disappointed today so the situation may feel complex to you, but in truth, it’s simple. You either love this man and you want to figure this out with him. Or you don’t.”

  “I do love him, but I can’t stand the thought of subjecting Heide to another ugly incident like this afternoon. I won’t stand for it, especially when I’m the source of struggle. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle that. I just don’t know what to do.”

  “Today? You don’t do anything. Rest as much as possible this evening, and let everyone’s emotions cool down. You’ll make your decision tomorrow, and then you’ll know what to do.”

  “I guess so,” I mumbled.

  “I wish I could give you the perfect answer, Kathleen. But in this case, I’m afraid you’re going to have to figure it out with Jack.”

  “I suppose you’re right.”

  “Of course I am. That’s why you called me. I know you don’t rest easily, but please try. Things will be better tomorrow.”

  Consumed by worry and despair, sleep was elusive that night. The following morning, after next to no rest, I made my decision.

  The Evans family would attend physical therapy in the afternoon. I left my room at the Sentinel and drove back to my father’s apartment to gather the remainder of my things while they were away.

  I unlocked the apartment door and closed it behind me. I stood in the entryway for a minute and detected no signs of activity. Convinced that I was alone, I proceeded into the living room.