Constellation

by Jennifer Locklear

  Knowing I had e-mails to sort and respond to, I sat down at my computer and began the task of informing everyone I had returned to full-time work. Over the course of the next hour, people filtered into the firm and those who wandered by my open office door paused in amazement. Many stopped to say hello and some lingered to spend a few minutes catching me up with their summer activities.

  I waited for my father to arrive, knowing he’d be more shocked than anyone would. When he appeared just before ten o’clock, he entered my office without pretense and closed the door behind him. I pushed away from my computer and waited for him to speak, already prepared to defend my decision.

  “I wasn’t expecting to see you back here today,” he began. “When did you get home?”

  “Yesterday.”

  “I wish you would’ve called me.”

  I shrugged, but not from irritation. “I had to put my place back together.”

  “How’s Heide?”

  “She’s doing well. She left the hospital a few days ago.”

  “That’s great news.” Robert was genuine but also puzzled. Something about my sudden return wasn’t making sense to him. “I take it everyone came back to Bend?”

  “No. Just me. Heide is undergoing some physical therapy in Portland until she can get set up with someone here in town.”

  “Jack and Heide will be back soon? That’s wonderful.”

  I nodded.

  Robert hesitated before asking his next question. “And Jack’s ex-wife?”

  I bristled, unable to hide a flash of irritation. “What about her?”

  “Is she going back to Maryland?”

  “Not yet. Heide won’t be strong enough to return to school right away. Allison is going to stay with Jack and help Heide with home schooling and doctor appointments for a while.”

  “Are things good between you and Jack?”

  My father was beginning to connect the dots, but I did my best to protect the privacy of my complications with Jack. “Why would you ask that?”

  “It just seems odd that after you commit yourself to this man and his daughter, spend the entire summer in Portland, helping them through a crisis, you’d come home alone now.”

  “I had to give up my bedroom at the apartment when Heide left the hospital. It made sense for me to come back.”

  Robert narrowed his eyes, and the realization that he knew I wasn’t telling him everything annoyed me. Old emotions and bad habits began churning toward the surface and I sought my escape.

  “I just remembered. I need to speak with Tracie.”

  “Sure.” Robert’s tone acknowledged a flicker of our former ways. He didn’t want to drop the subject, but I was relieved when he did. He rose from his chair and opened my door. “Let me know if I can do anything to help you settle back in.”

  “Thanks,” I said, my mind already moving to the next task on my list. I waited several seconds after Robert’s exit before making my way to the reception area.

  “Hey there!” Tracie jumped up and offered me a cheerful hug. “I was wondering when you’d make your way up to my desk. I was starting to think you’d forgotten me.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s impossible.”

  “I’m so glad you’re back.” She opened a desk drawer, pulled out Jack’s keys and handed them to me.

  “Jack’s cat hates me,” she said after sitting back down. “I think she’s plotting.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll have any better luck with that cat than you,” I said, “but you’ve earned some time off.”

  “I was over at the house this morning. Jack and his daughter must still be in Portland?”

  “Yes.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “For the time being.”

  “Is anything wrong?”

  Tracie’s question surprised me. I’d prepared for Robert to sense something was amiss, but not anyone else. I offered her a smile, hoping it would telegraph sincerity. “Jack’s daughter will be home soon. That’s the best news. Thanks again for all your help. I owe you a couple of nice dinners by now.”

  I waved and stepped away from Tracie’s desk before she could sense anything else.

  “Don’t mention it,” she said as she turned back to her computer monitor. “Although I really won’t miss that cat.”

  I spent the remainder of the day in my office, reacquainting myself with my job and catching up with clients and colleagues. It was a day spent fielding phone calls and answering e-mails, but it kept me focused on something other than my personal problems and it was a welcome relief.

  Shortly before the end of the workday, an e-mail from Jack’s work account arrived in my inbox. When I opened the message, I saw that Robert was the primary recipient and Jack had blind carbon copied me. He wanted me to read the e-mail without Robert’s knowledge. The subject read, “My Return Date.”

  Robert,

  I’m happy to say that I will be returning to work full-time on Monday, September 20.

  Heide’s recovery has progressed to the point where she can return home. Her medical team in Portland is in the process of transferring her appointments to her pediatrician and a physical therapist in Bend.

  I’m expecting to arrive back in town on Friday the 17th. I’ll be sure to leave your apartment in excellent condition.

  If you need anything else, please let me know.

  Thank you for everything,

  Jack

  Jack’s brief message was a tremendous milestone in a tumultuous summer. He was likely brimming with happiness over his daughter’s good news, and although I was glad for the family, hearing the news in this fashion was bittersweet. I considered replying and offering my congratulations, but found myself shutting down my computer for the day instead.

  Before I drove home, I stopped by Jack’s house. I wanted to check on Kitty Hawk and see if there was anything I could do for the Evans family before they returned from Portland. I unlocked the front door and steeled myself for a charging cat, but she remained hidden.

  I closed the door and made my way toward the mudroom to check on Kitty Hawk’s food and water. Sure enough, a curious and grumpy furry face emerged from underneath a blanket resting on the living room sofa.

  “Hey, Kitty Hawk.” I smiled.

  She hissed at me.

  “I know. I’m sorry. You’re probably wondering what the hell happened.” I took a few careful steps toward the sofa.

  Kitty Hawk hissed a second time and added a growl for good measure.

  I reconsidered my approach. “Fair enough,” I said. “I’m going to peek at your dish.”

  The cat didn’t object so I went to the mudroom to replenish her food. Even if the cat’s appetite was satisfied, I decided the effort couldn’t hurt our tenuous relationship. Kitty Hawk didn’t follow me to her food area, but she stopped hissing when I returned to the living room.

  I decided to go from room to room and assess conditions, beginning with the kitchen. Tracie had taken good care of Jack’s home over the summer, and I was thankful she had accepted the housesitting job. She had cleaned out Jack’s refrigerator, washed and put away his dishes and taken out the garbage. Satisfied with the condition of the kitchen, I located a shopping bag and moved on.

  Upon further inspection of the house, I realized that in addition to looking after Kitty Hawk’s needs Tracie had completed Jack and Heide’s forgotten laundry, including Heide’s original pair of Minecraft socks. She’d also cleaned Heide’s muddy soccer cleats.

  The home was spotless, leaving only one task that needed my attention. I entered Jack’s bedroom, overcome by the blatant loneliness of a space I had come to love. I indulged my sadness for the first time since returning to Bend and lied down on what I considered my side of his bed.

  I didn’t cry, but the substantial weight of my worries descended upon me almost as soon as I settled onto the mattress. I missed Jack terribly and wondered if I had made a colossal mistake leaving Portland the way I had. We hadn’t communicated much since I walked away f
rom our fight. I regretted not answering his e-mail, and I fought the urge to call him. I didn’t have any idea of what I would say, and I was worried about what important thing I might interrupt. I glanced over to his bedside table and took in the photo of Jack and Heide that meant so much to me. I considered the photo and the love it conveyed while waiting for my selfish impulses to recede.

  There was a sudden depression near the foot of the bed, followed by a curious chirp. Kitty Hawk had followed me down the hall. I held still while she cautiously made her way over to me. She took her time, sniffing me in various places, before deciding it was safe enough to step onto my stomach.

  I scratched her head. Within moments, the cat was purring and kneading her sharp claws on my blouse. I indulged her, knowing she had missed social affection during the summer. I petted her until she stepped down from her perch and made her way to Jack’s side of the bed. She curled into a contented ball and went to sleep.

  Restless, I got up and decided it was time to finish my work. I went into Jack’s bathroom and searched for the few toiletries and personal items I’d left behind after my last sleepover. I removed everything and packed the items into the shopping bag I’d brought from the kitchen before retrieving a single pair of pajamas from his dresser. I returned to the bed and added them to my stash.

  Just as I finished the task, I glanced back to the dresser and remembered one last thing. I straightened and walked over to the drawer Jack had opened for me several months ago. I pulled it open and located the stockings and garter belt that I had worn the first time we’d slept together. It was strange, taking them back after so much time, but I’d committed to removing my things from Jack’s house before Allison set foot inside it.

  With nothing else left to do, I took my possessions and locked up Jack’s house for the night. When I returned to my condo, I dropped the bag by the front door and went straight to bed.

  I LIMITED my interactions with Jack to phone updates on Heide, speaking with her more than I did with her father. She sounded stronger each time I called, and her improvement kept things light between Jack and me during our short conversations.

  On the morning of Jack’s return to work, there was a project team meeting. I made a brief stop at my office before making my way to the conference room. As I approached it, I thought about the room’s recent significance in my life. It was the place where I had first met Jack Evans, the room where he’d become aware of my troubled family life, and now it was likely to be the room where I discovered if our relationship could be salvaged. My stomach was in knots as I stepped inside and those knots tightened when I discovered Jack already seated there.

  He locked eyes with me while I locked eyes on his cup of Starbucks. I gripped my own windmill cup tighter before taking the first available seat.

  We weren’t alone in the conference room. There were already two coworkers seated and chatting away about their weekend. Once settled, I greeted everyone in the room, saving Jack for last.

  “Welcome back to work.”

  “Thank you, Kathleen.” His brown eyes leveled on my face. “I’m happy to be back.”

  “How did the trip home go? Was Heide all right?”

  “Yes. She slept for most of it.”

  “That’s good.”

  We both refrained from more small talk and soon Robert joined the group to run the meeting. He began by offering Jack a proper welcome back speech before everyone shifted gears to focus on our professional duties. It was impossible to avoid Jack during the hour, but somehow I managed to keep my concentration on the project at hand. When the meeting concluded, I offered a polite good-bye to everyone and returned to my office.

  We gave one another space during the rest of the day. Jack had plenty to catch up on and he even worked through the lunch hour. Halfway through the afternoon, he sent me an e-mail.

  Hello, Kathleen,

  I wondered if you had a few minutes to speak with me.

  Thanks,

  Jack

  I immediately hit the reply button.

  Hi Jack,

  Come over to my office when you’re ready.

  Kathleen

  There was a knock at my door within five minutes. I grinned, remembering the time Heide had sat in my office and recognized her father’s knocking. I now understood what she meant as I saw Jack standing at the threshold.

  “Come in,” I said encouragingly.

  Jack stepped inside. “Do you mind if I close the door?” he asked with slight trepidation. He was as unsure of what to expect from me as I was from him.

  “Please.”

  He did so and took a seat across from me. “I won’t take much of your time. I have to leave early.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes.” He shifted in his seat. “We’re meeting with Heide’s new physical therapist at four.”

  “That’s good.”

  “Yes. Things almost feel normal again.”

  I wasn’t sure how to interpret this. My thoughts wandered toward Jack’s ex-wife. “How’s Allison?”

  “We’ve settled back in at home. Allison likes it here better than Portland. It’s progress.”

  Since their divorce, I’d always detected hurt in Jack’s tone whenever he spoke of Allison, but in this moment there was none. He spoke of her without any sense of frustration, and the difference in both his demeanor and his posture was profound.

  “I wanted to see how you were doing,” he said, oblivious to my thoughts.

  I couldn’t hide my sadness from Jack. We knew each other too well. However, I put on a brave face. He carefully moved forward with our conversation, testing the waters with me just as I had tested them with Robert after our blowup at the golf course. I evaded answering any questions about my own well-being by changing subjects. I’d learned the tactic firsthand from Jack.

  “I don’t know if Robert mentioned this to you, but the firm is sponsoring an art festival at Heide’s school tomorrow night. If she’s up for it, it might be a good way for her to reconnect with her friends and teachers.”

  Jack nodded. “That’s a perfect idea. Thank you for telling me.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Jack stood up, preparing to leave. I remained seated, and he paused in front of my desk. He tapped a contemplative finger on the corner of my work surface several times before walking around. Suddenly, he was on my side of the desk, approaching me.

  I stood up from my chair and even took a step back, my chair rolling away as I bumped it. He halted his progress as soon as I retreated, dismayed. We stood still for several moments, staring at one another.

  “I don’t want to upset you,” Jack said, breaking the silence.

  “I’m not upset.” My answer presented itself perhaps a bit too quickly. He studied my face as I fidgeted under his scrutiny.

  “Are you sure?”

  “You surprised me. That’s all.”

  I gazed toward the closed office door.

  “I had a nightmare last night,” he revealed.

  I brought my eyes back to his, concerned. “About what?”

  “I dreamed I came back to work, and you’d cut off your hair.” His brown eyes softened, but his apprehension was still obvious.

  I didn’t know how to respond to this, so I said nothing. Jack was undeterred by my silence. “Will you push me away if I touch you?”

  I hadn’t expected him to be this bold with me. I thought about his question for a moment, and then I shook my head.

  “No. I won’t ever push you again,” I promised him. “But I’m not ready for you to touch me.”

  Jack took a tentative step forward.

  I held out a trembling hand. “Please. Don’t.”

  Jack’s dismay turned to frustration. “What’s the matter? Do you think I’m going to hurt you?”

  “It’s too late for that.” I was nervous and semi-joking, but Jack didn’t see the humor.

  “You know, you’re quite capable of hurt yourself.”

/>   I flinched.

  “You have an appointment,” I whispered. I didn’t want to end our reunion this way, but an argument was brewing. I didn’t want to fight with Jack at all and especially not at the office. Despite the tension of the moment, I hated the thought of breaking this delicate link between us. I didn’t want him to leave.

  Jack sighed before stepping back from me. We continued to stare at each other, although somewhat sadly.

  “I didn’t know if you’d welcome me back or slap me in the face,” he said.

  Once again, I was at a loss for words, rendered mute by his disclosure.

  “I’m not ignoring the fact that we have problems,” he continued as he closed his hand around the doorknob. “I just need you to understand that I’m going to earn your trust back.”

  He opened the door and left my office without another word. I was too frightened to hope and spent several minutes wondering why.

  The following evening, I arrived at Deschutes River Elementary School and greeted the school principal with a warm handshake. He was dressed in khaki pants and a polo shirt featuring the school’s porcupine mascot. Having come straight from the office, I wore a knee-length, taupe, business skirt, jacket and high heels.

  “Ms. Brighton, I’m so glad you could make it this evening. Please allow me to provide you with a brief tour of our exhibits.”

  I nodded. “That would be wonderful. Lead the way.”

  The event had begun shortly before my arrival and was well underway.

  “As you can see, Ms. Brighton, we have several education stations, each intended to offer hands-on interaction and engagement between the students and their families.”

  “Please, call me Kathleen.” I nodded with appreciation. “The partnership is a natural one. Many of our staff members are creative professionals eager to encourage others to indulge their own artistic pursuits.”

  “Fundraising for the art program becomes more challenging by the year. Aurora’s contribution means so much.”