As our tour wound down, we entered the multipurpose room with a stage. The space was noisy with the excitement of the children and their families, but the din of the festivities evaporated when I spotted Heide on the opposite side of the room.
Surrounded protectively by her parents, she moved from one station to another with careful thought. She was attempting to protect both her energy and her delicate ribs, which were still healing. She wasn’t bouncing with the level of energy I had become so accustomed to, but she was upright, and she was walking on her own. If I didn’t know any better, I would have found it difficult to believe she had spent the summer fighting for her life in a hospital. She looked wonderful.
Thoughts of her father invaded my concentration as I conversed with the principal. Jack had spent another day at the office bogged down with work, and once again we kept our distance. Jack’s words the afternoon before still consumed my thoughts and emotions. Disturbed that we’d both sidestepped the opportunity to talk through our troubles, I was somewhat glad for the reprieve. I couldn’t make sense of our mutual hesitation.
I turned my attention back to my host before my romantic frustrations overwhelmed me. “Thank you for showing me around.” I gestured in Heide’s general direction. “Some of our staff has children attending your school, so we’re more than happy to support events like this. If we can ever be of assistance, please, let us know.”
“Thank you, Kathleen. I’m so glad you could stop by. I hope to see you again soon.”
“You will,” I promised. “Enjoy the rest of your night.”
“You, too. Be sure to take a few minutes and work on some crafts.”
I smiled. “I think I’ll do that.”
Another attendee intercepted the principal, and I turned my attention back to Heide and her family, intent on hugging her. As I made my way across the large room, my pace began to slow as my observations of the family began to take hold.
There was a certain air around the three, an intimacy, a familiarity that had all of them looking relaxed and at peace. As I studied them, Allison retrieved her phone from her purse and handed it over to the volunteer operating the station of their latest project. Jack, Allison and Heide all posed for a photo featuring Heide’s completed craft, and what I saw took my breath away.
I saw the family that once existed. Even during the best moments of my parents’ marriage, I had never glimpsed this level of harmony. Knowing what little I did about their life together, I could only assume the past year had been the most strenuous of Jack and Allison’s relationship, and yet here they were, a unified family.
It was then the dense fog surrounding my doubts and hesitations began to clear, and I realized with shocking clarity what had been nagging. I froze just feet away from Jack and his family, unnoticed and reeling from the acknowledgement that Jack Evans might not be totally free from his marriage.
“Fuck,” I whispered, before turning away from the trio and escaping from the school.
AFTER THE art festival, my strained relationship with Jack continued to disintegrate.
We saw each other at work, but Jack was committed to both his career and his daughter’s recovery. He had no downtime and I silently accepted this. He was being the responsible father I expected him to be. I wasn’t about to question his course of action.
Nevertheless, I struggled with the severe disconnect between us. I missed being with him and my loneliness compounded my misery at work. My unhappiness followed the path of least resistance and threatened to undermine my fragile relationship with Robert. I attempted to keep my troubles with Jack away from my father, and the effort proved grueling and often tested my father’s limited patience. I had no sanctuary away from either man, and my depression grew as a result.
Ever observant, Tracie noted my increased moodiness. “We’re going out tomorrow night,” she said to me on a Friday afternoon, a month after Jack’s return. “You need a lot of drinks.”
“I’ll go out, but I don’t promise to drink.”
“We’ll see about that. You know I’m an enabler.”
The next evening we visited several popular nightspots. Tracie was adamant I should drink my worries away, but as she gradually become more intoxicated, I settled into driving her around town, and laughing at her antics. Over the course of the evening, she grew frustrated by the failure of her mission.
“I just want you to have fun,” she whined as we arrived at the Astro Lounge. You really need this.”
“I promise I’m having fun. You’re cracking me the hell up.”
“Oh! I know!” she exclaimed, suddenly inspired. “Let’s go to Seven for our seventh stop!”
“You think you’re going to make it to seven stops?” I teased her. “You do that and I promise to take seven shots with you.”
“You’re totally on! I am motivated now! We’re so gonna do this, Kathleen!”
“Uh-huh,” I said as we made our way inside. At this rate, Tracie was going to be lucky to make it back to the car.
The place was crowded with Saturday night revelers and pulsing with live music. I held Tracie’s hand and guided her to a table. She ordered a blended margarita while I stuck with a diet soda and a slice of lime.
I excused myself to visit the restroom and she began chatting with the occupants at the next table. I was making my way back to her when a man’s hand reached out from the bar and took hold of me.
“Whoa!” I exclaimed, pulling my arm away from him. I was stunned beyond belief to discover the offending grabber was none other than Jack.
“What are you doing out on a Saturday night?” I asked him. “Entertaining clients?”
“Nnnooo,” he slurred. “Is it impossible to believe I just needed some time to myself?”
My surprise now turned into mild concern as I glanced at the bar. He was working his way through a bottle of his favorite beer, although it clearly wasn’t his first of the night. There were three cardboard coasters sitting in front of him along with a discarded pen. Jack’s handwriting covered all of them.
I pointed to them. “Brainstorming? Are you working on the firm’s next great ad campaign?”
Jack’s eyebrows furrowed with drunken confusion. He wasn’t following my words. He carefully turned his head as though it were heavy on his shoulders and stared at the bar for several moments.
Jack clumsily flipped the coasters over before turning to me. “Nah. That’s nothing. Just me being silly.” He grinned like a true inebriated goofball.
I tapped his beer bottle, sitting on top of another coaster. “Can I assume this is number four?”
“I wouldn’t bet on it. You’d lose.” Jack winked with poor coordination that was simultaneously adorable and alarming.
“More than four then?” I ventured.
“Yeah.”
“Did you drive here?”
He shook his head. “I walked.”
“From your house?” I asked with disbelief. “That’s a bit of a hike.”
“No. From dinner.” Jack pointed randomly behind him. “Just down the street. Allison and I had a fight. Again. She drove off.”
“I’m sorry.”
Jack waved an annoyed hand at no one in particular.
“I’m out with Tracie,” I shared. “We’re winding things down for the night. I could take you home.”
His response was painful with its yearning. “To your place?”
“No,” I clarified. “To yours.”
He nodded with an expression akin to surprised admiration. “You know, if we’re quiet, we can sneak right past Allison’s room.”
I shook my head. “That’s not what I meant, Jack.”
He turned back to his beer and sulked. “I know.”
He spoke next, his eyes still trained on his bottle of Inversion. “Why are you avoiding me, Kathleen?”
I shuffled my feet. “I’m not avoiding you. You’re just busy.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Maybe we should talk a
bout this later,” I suggested. “When you’re feeling back to normal.”
Jack turned his entire body toward me, teasing me in more ways than one. “Avoider.”
“I’m going back to my table. You can stay here and drink alone or you can join us and I’ll drive you home in a few minutes. It’s up to you.”
Jack slid off his bar stool and wobbled as his feet hit the floor. I waited until he found his balance and looked my way once more. “You probably should drive me home,” he agreed.
“Good man.” I smiled while motioning to his forgotten items on the bar. “Is that your pen?”
“Nope. Bartender’s.”
“What about your notes there?”
“Just throw them in your purse. I’ll get them later.”
I scooped the coasters up in one hand before taking Jack’s hand with the other. “C’mon. I’ll escort you.”
Jack’s palm was sweaty as it rubbed against mine and his grip was sluggish, but still I enjoyed the sizzling touch of his skin against mine. When we arrived at the table, holding hands, Tracie pointedly stared at our entwined fingers before shaking her head vigorously.
“I’m so confused,” she uttered.
“It turns out we could have been hanging out with Jack all night instead of running all over town,” I said while depositing the coasters into my bag.
“Oh no! We suck!” Tracie yelled at him.
I pulled out the chair next to mine for Jack. He continued holding my hand even after we both sat down and Tracie took notice.
“That is so damn sweet!” she announced to anyone within earshot. “You need to do that at work! All the time! You’d both be happier!”
Jack took a swig of his beer while I pointed to Tracie’s margarita. “You need to finish your drink.”
She looked at me, dumbfounded at the turn of events. Then she looked over to Jack and back down to our hands before looking back at me with a smug smile. “Hell, yeah, I do!”
Tracie picked up her glass and drank with determination while Jack leaned over and said in my ear, “She thinks you’re going to take advantage of me.”
“I know.”
“You don’t have to lie to her, you know. I’ll make the sacrifice and defend your honor.”
“Maybe another time.”
Jack appeared offended by my lackluster response. “I have sense enough to know what I’m committing to.”
I leveled a serious expression at Jack. “I have something important to say to you, but I don’t want to piss you off when I do.”
He tightened his hold on my hand in what I assumed was a conscious effort to sharpen his focus. “Okay. I won’t get pissed. What is it?”
I lowered my voice just enough to remove Tracie from earshot. “We’re not sleeping together tonight because I can’t stand the smell of beer on you.”
Jack was baffled, but not angry. “You can’t?”
“Beer is what my father drinks. What he used to drink a lot of.”
Jack blinked twice over this revelation, before turning to include Tracie in his response. “Aw shit! Well, there goes that then!”
“Where goes what now?” Tracie yelled.
He waved her off. She shrugged. Discussion over.
“Are we ready to go?” I asked them both.
Jack and I stood up together, his hand still glued to mine. Tracie raised her arm into the air. “I’m drunk, too! I need your other hand!”
Begrudgingly, I took a hold of Tracie. Together, the three of us walked from the Astro Lounge and into the late summer evening.
I pulled into Jack’s driveway and glanced at my passenger in exasperation. Somewhere between Tracie’s apartment and his house, Jack had passed out and was snoring, loudly.
The porch light was on, as were the living room lights. It was just after midnight, and I was going to need help getting Jack into the house. I exited the car and as I stepped around the front of the vehicle, Allison opened the front door. She came out onto the front step, wrapping a gray sweater around her shoulders and crossing her arms against the chilled nighttime air of the high desert.
“Hello,” she said in a reserved clip.
“Hi, Allison.” I nodded toward the passenger side window. “I was out with a friend tonight and ran into Jack over on Bond Street. He needed a ride home.”
“I take it he’s drunk?” Allison was not amused.
“Uh. Yeah. I guess so. Anyway, he fell asleep on the way over here. Can you help me see him in?”
Allison pulled the front door shut before descending the stairs and making her way over to the car. She leaned down and observed Jack’s head leaning against the window. She knocked on the glass experimentally. There was no movement.
“He’s out cold.” She straightened before taking a step closer to me.
“I realize I’m not in a position to ask favors of you, but I would appreciate one.”
My stomach knotted in anxiety. “What’s that?”
“Can you take him home with you tonight? Let him sleep it off there?”
“Why?”
“Jack doesn’t often indulge in this level of intoxication. I don’t want Heide to see him like this.”
I looked back to the house and sighed. The thought of bringing Jack home with me was an awkward one, but I sympathized all too well with Allison’s plight. It would have been nice if my own mother had made such requests on my behalf.
“Okay.”
“Thank you.”
“Sure.” I walked back to the driver’s seat before I could find an excuse to back out of the responsibility. Allison remained at the curb and when I opened the car door, I made eye contact with her.
“I’ve never seen him like this,” I said. “Is there anything I should know? I don’t like surprises when it comes to this kind of thing.”
“He’ll feel like hell in the morning. He’ll probably be down most of the day. But he’s never difficult or mean.”
Months earlier, a few days after we first slept together, I’d asked Jack an impulsive question during our lunch at the Chinese restaurant. Standing in the street in the middle of the night, several feet from Allison, I impulsively asked it again.
“Why did you leave?”
Allison hesitated and I waited with anticipation. She opened her mouth to speak twice before changing her mind. Eventually, she shook her head.
“I don’t know what he’s told you about us, but as far as that goes? He should be the one to tell you. Not me.”
“I asked him once,” I revealed, “when we first began seeing each other.”
“Did he answer you?”
“He gave me a reason.”
“Do you believe him?”
“He hasn’t given me reason not to.”
“So why ask me?”
“I don’t know.”
We continued to stare at one another for a few moments before Allison turned away. “I’m going in. Thanks again, Kathleen.”
My brief exchange with Allison brought up my guard even more. I woke up on and off during the night, partially to keep an ear out for Jack’s well-being as he slept in my guest room and partially to mull over Allison’s insinuation. Sound sleep evaded me until near dawn and only the sound of Jack rummaging through my kitchen lured me from my bed.
He stood next to my pantry, wearing a pair of forest green boxer briefs. Whatever he was looking for, he wasn’t finding it, and impatiently moved from one cupboard to another.
“Can I help you with something?” I teased.
Jack wasn’t in the mood for teasing. “Why don’t you keep any coffee here?” he huffed, clearly wrestling with a major caffeine withdrawal. “Do you even own a coffeepot?”
“I don’t need either because God invented Dutch Bros.”
Jack abandoned his search and sought solace on my couch instead, lying down and bringing his arm up over his eyes.
I opened a tall narrow cupboard next to my sink and pulled out a bottle of ibuprofen. I shook three pills into my
palm and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. I offered him the medication. He swallowed the pills eagerly.
“Drink the whole bottle of water,” I said. “You passed out last night before I could give you any.”
“Okay.”
“Would you like a cool cloth for your eyes?”
“No, thanks.”
“I’ll throw on some clothes and go get your coffee.”
“You’re a lifesaver.”
“Do you want anything else while I’m out? Something to help with your hangover?”
Jack opened his mouth to speak, but then hesitated to answer. The suggestion held some appeal to him, so I nudged further. “Whatever it is, believe me, I’ll understand. I’ve been there.”
“7UP. The cans, not the bottles.”
“And?” I hedged.
“Cheetos Puffs.”
“Original or White Cheddar?”
Jack removed his arm from his eyes and squinted at me. “They make White Cheddar Puffs?”
“Oh, yeah. They’re really good, too.”
He covered his eyes once more. “Get the White Cheddar ones. Those sound more sophisticated.”
“You got it.” My eyes swept the living room and came to rest on the shopping bag I’d dropped next to the front door several weeks before. I hadn’t bothered to move it since bringing it back from Jack’s house. I strolled over to the bag and swept it up off the floor.
“You should call Allison while I’m out. She knows you’re here, but you should probably let her know when you’ll be home.”
Jack didn’t respond to this, so I returned to my bedroom.
Jack’s energy slowly began to return by the afternoon, and he asked me to drive him back to his house just before four o’clock. When we pulled into the driveway, his car was gone.
“The girls must have gone somewhere. Do you want to come in for a few minutes?”
“What for?” I challenged.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I just need a few minutes to get used to the idea of you going back to your place. You don’t have to.”
“I’ll come in.”
“Great.”
Out of habit, I followed Jack down the hallway to his bedroom but hesitated in the doorway. Jack made his way to his closet and chose a fresh outfit. He ceased his movements when he saw I didn’t enter his room.
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