“It’s all right, Kathleen.”
I took two steps into the space, just barely clearing the doorway. Jack shook his head as he removed his clothes from the night before and carried them into the bathroom to place in the laundry hamper. Moments later, I heard the distinctive noise of an electric razor click on. I was surprised. I’d never seen Jack use one. I didn’t even know he owned one. I took a few tentative steps toward him.
I had planned to observe Jack as he shaved and perhaps attempt to break through our ongoing awkwardness. Instead, I caught my reflection in the mirrored closet doors. Drawn to them, I slid the door on its track slowly, hoping to minimize any noise. As it turned out, I didn’t have to move the doors much at all to confirm my theory.
The once empty closet now contained Allison’s clothes.
With a heavy heart, I slid the door shut as slowly as I had opened it. I turned to look at Jack’s bed and noticed for the first time that my side was unmade, the sheets and pillows rumpled from recent use.
I wondered what other portions of the household Allison had reclaimed.
Jack’s razor clicked off but did not interrupt my jealous musings. When he reemerged from the bathroom, I was staring at his bed. He followed my gaze and his ensuing silence was as still as my own.
“Are you all right?” he asked after several difficult moments.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I should probably go.”
I left Jack’s bedroom before he could respond, but he was right behind me as I reached the living room.
“Kathleen—”
“It’s none of my business, Jack.”
He jumped in front of me before I could reach the front door and grasped me by the arms.
“Of course it’s your business,” he implored, his eyes pleading. “Don’t run away from me. Especially now.”
I glared my accusation without uttering a word.
“I am not sharing my bed with Allison. I am not having sex with her.”
I held his gaze, waiting to spot any hint of his deception. As I did so, his expression changed.
“Please. Tell me you believe me.”
I struggled against his hold, the instinct to flee crushing me. “Let go of me, Jack.”
“Not until you answer me.”
I didn’t know what to say and continued to wriggle away from his hold.
“Kathleen?” he persisted, raising his voice just enough to startle me. His severe tone broke my resistance. We stared into one another’s eyes while I regained my self-control and my common sense.
“I believe you about that,” I finally answered. “But you’re holding something back. Something important. I know it. I’m beginning to think I’ve always known it.”
Jack didn’t respond and my eyes filled with tears of frustration.
“Please don’t deny it,” I begged.
He looked down at the floor. I couldn’t read Jack’s thoughts, but my fear rose as his grip on my arms tightened. The wait felt interminable as he gathered his courage. “You’re right. I’m not going to insult your intelligence by pretending otherwise.”
I waited expectantly for him to share his secrets with me.
Jack released me, raised his head and cradled my face with his hands. He was on the verge of crying himself and shakily brought his forehead to touch mine.
“Can you give me some time?”
My temper snapped under weeks of agonized separation. “I’ve already given you months! Exactly how much more time do you need?”
Jack remained silent and it was one instance of stonewalling too many.
I angrily pulled back from his embrace, stepped around him and made my way to the front door.
“I need to go. Whenever you’re ready to tell me the truth, come find me.”
THE REMAINDER of the day went by without any word from Jack. We both returned to the office on Monday morning, the dynamic between us irreparably altered. His silence endured for two days and reinforced my own personal commitments. It was Wednesday morning before he made an effort by calling my office.
“This is Kathleen,” I answered with an impassive tone.
“Thank you for answering,” he began.
“What do you need?” Under the current circumstances, it was a struggle to maintain my professional voice.
He cleared his throat before pushing forward. “I want to invite you to lunch. I’m thinking Chinese.”
I closed my eyes and counted to three. There were things I needed to say, and the neighboring restaurant was the perfect choice.
“Do you want to go at the usual time?” I asked.
“Only if that works for you. I can be flexible.”
“The usual time is fine. I’ll meet you there.”
Jack hesitated, unprepared for this stipulation. “Sure,” he whispered.
“See you then,” I said before hanging up.
I spent the next five minutes with my elbows pressed into the desk and my face buried in my shaking hands.
When I arrived at the restaurant, Jack was there and had already secured a corner table. He’d done his best to provide us with some privacy in the small open-concept restaurant.
He stood up as I approached him and reached for the chair next to his. I pulled out the chair across the table from him instead. His ensuing frown was evidence of his disappointment, but so was his acceptance of my choice. Once I settled in my seat, he returned to his.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I reciprocated.
Before our talk could begin we were interrupted by our server. She set hot tea down in front us and proceeded to take our order. Once she turned away, Jack set his hands on the table. He clasped them together and then he spoke.
“Whether you want to be with me or not, we have to start speaking again.”
“Verbal communication has never been one of our strong suits,” I muttered.
“You don’t think so?”
“You do?”
“Why isn’t it?” he asked, his curiosity genuine.
If there was ever a time to be direct, it was now. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking you’re holding back from me.”
I took a sip of my tea as Jack set his elbow on the table and rested his cheek in the palm of his hand. He looked out the window until I set my teacup back down.
“We haven’t known each other all that long,” he said. “Not when you stop to think about it, but I think given enough time, you’ll come to accept that you know me better than you think you do. You’re a mystery to me, too. But there are some things I know about you.”
“Such as?”
“The quieter your reactions, the deeper the hurt. And your silence right now since you left the house on Sunday, it terrifies me.”
“Finally. Something you and Robert have in common other than golf.”
“What does that mean?”
“He knows something is up between you and me. I’ve just been refusing to confirm it. It’s getting to both of us.”
“I’m sorry about that, Kathleen, although I do appreciate your discretion. Once we’re on the other side of this mess, I’ll speak to him and apologize for my part in all of it.”
“There’s something else you need to know,” I revealed.
“What’s that?”
“I’m leaving town for a few days.”
Surprised, Jack straightened up in his seat. “When?”
“I fly out Friday afternoon.”
“Flying out? Where are you going?”
“Denver.”
“What for?”
“To meet with Ryan Murray.”
The man’s name never failed to initiate Jack’s ire. “The marketing guy who crashed the Portland lunch?”
“Yes.”
Jack’s eyes narrowed as his suspicion widened. “Why do you need to meet with him?”
“To interview for a job.”
“A job in Colorado?”
“Yes.”
Jack’s face regist
ered his shock. “Why?”
There were so many reasons I could have given him in that moment. I could have explained staying at Aurora Advertising would destroy my hopes rather than fulfill them. I could have said that I needed the change. I could have told Jack I needed to clear my head somewhere else. Instead, I skewed the conversation in another direction by reaching into my purse and retrieving the three coasters from the Astro Lounge—the coasters that were covered in Jack’s handwriting.
“These are yours. Do you remember them?”
“Yes,” he admitted with a subdued tone.
“I’d almost forgotten about them, but when I went home on Sunday I saw them in my bag.” I glanced down at the cardboard circles and tapped one for emphasis. “What you’ve written down here is quite erotic. You and a woman, swimming naked in a lake late at night. Making love to one another in the shallows.”
Jack was painfully silent, and this time I couldn’t fault him for it.
“This is far too detailed, Jack. I have a theory. Do you want to hear it?”
He rubbed his hands over his eyes, but didn’t tell me no.
“This is a memory,” I declared. “This is not a fantasy, and what’s written here isn’t about me.”
Jack looked down, avoiding all eye contact. I slid the coasters toward his side of the table.
“These are about Allison,” I concluded.
Jack was still looking down. “It’s complicated,” he whispered.
Now, he raised his eyes to meet mine. This was a make it or break it conversation for us, and although consumed by the frightful reality of our predicament, I pushed forward.
“Why do you think love stories always have such devastating moments?”
“All the best ones do.”
“Did it ever occur to you that your involvement with me is the dark chapter in the love story with your wife?”
He stared at me in disbelief and hurt. “Never.”
“You asked why I’m going to Denver. Do you really have no idea?”
“You think I want to be with Allison. And you won’t interfere if you think that’s the best thing for Heide.”
I nodded and Jack began shaking his head. “Kathleen. Please be patient with me. I just need more time—”
“I know you need time, Jack. That’s why I’m doing this. You tell me that I’m brave and strong, but now you can see how weak I really am. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I love you, but I can’t be with you, and I can’t just work with you, day in and day out. At least right now I can’t. It’s torture.”
Jack’s fist banged on the table in a physical display of his confusion and frustration. “Your tendencies lean toward flight rather than fight. Don’t go to Colorado. Stay here and we’ll work on this together.”
“You just asked me for more time,” I reminded him. “I can’t hang on indefinitely waiting for you to make a commitment. You call it fleeing, but I’m going to Denver because I already feel isolated here.”
This was our tipping point, and it reflected in his beautiful brown eyes. I saw the painful realization set in as he forced himself to accept my decision. It wasn’t necessary for me to explain any more, but I was compelled to clarify my definitive point.
“I refuse to be a tragedy, Jack.”
I SAT inside Stanford’s at the Portland International Airport, staring into my glass of untouched wine. It was the first drink I had ever agreed to share with my father. He was buying me lunch. I should take at least a sip or two.
I could feel Robert’s eyes upon me, but I didn’t have the willfulness to confront him.
“What is it?” I asked with exasperation. I didn’t mean to be cross with him, but the toxicity had already begun to seep back into our fragile relationship.
The sooner I get out of this place, the better.
Robert was motionless in his seat. “Nothing.” He was lying, and he made no real effort to hide it, but I detected none of his typical impatience either.
“Then why are you looking at me?” I was curious about his attention, but his interest was also unnerving.
“I see something in your face. I see it in your eyes and in your posture. Something I haven’t seen often, but I recognize it.”
I finally dragged my eyes to his. “What’s that?”
“Your mother. You have the same countenance she did … near the end. It worries me.”
I picked up my glass from the table and ended my self-imposed prohibition. “Don’t worry. I’m not my mother.”
“You’re not me, either.”
I grinned, despite myself. “No, I’m not,” I answered, setting down my wine glass. “I have to find my own way.”
“Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? If you’re having even one doubt—”
I shook my head. “There are no doubts. This has nothing to do with what I want.”
“Can I ask just one thing from you?” Robert’s face was pensive, but I wasn’t going to make any guarantees.
“Possibly.”
“When he offers you the job—”
“If,” I interrupted.
“When, Kathleen. When he offers you the job, just give it a day or two to mull it over. Don’t make this decision too hastily.”
“Will you forgive me if I say yes?”
My father crossed his arms. “I’m not going to pretend you leaving the family business wouldn’t be a huge pain in my ass. But I get the need to make a change. I didn’t leave the firm, but I was arrogant enough to pack it up and take it with me when I moved to Bend. I’m not going to fault you if finding your own way means finding it elsewhere.”
“Thank you.”
Robert sighed. “I’ve been trying to mind my own business, but where do things stand with Jack? What does he know? Do I need to be careful about what I say around him?”
“We went to lunch a couple of days ago. I told him what I was doing.”
“How did that go?”
I shrugged and turned my attention back to my wine, hoping another sip or two would numb my heartache.
“He’s not happy about it, but I think he understands I haven’t been happy for a while.”
“I’m the last person to offer up useful relationship advice, so I’ll keep my nose out of it. Whatever is happening between the two of you, you’ll both figure out how to deal with it.”
“I think there’s still a chance he can reunite his family,” I revealed. “I refuse to stand in the way of that, and it’s easier for me to walk away from Bend than it is for him. Heide needs to stay put while she heals. Allison isn’t going to back Maryland any time soon.”
“Is he going back to his wife?”
“I don’t know what he’s going to do. But I know she feels Jack was distracted by me enough to put Heide in danger.”
“That’s some major bullshit. Don’t buy into it.”
“She’s not entirely wrong.”
Robert leveled me with a serious look. “Many people influenced events here. Jack displaced his family and brought them out West. Allison left her husband and daughter in Oregon when she decided she didn’t like it here. Jack left Heide in the care of another parent while he went to work. The woman took her eyes off those little girls for five minutes too long. And Heide decided to climb the wrong piece of playground equipment.”
“I encouraged her interest in climbing.” I angrily swiped a stray tear from my cheek. “If I had found other things to talk about with her, maybe she wouldn’t have tried to scale that backstop.”
“And I did more things to you than I can ever account or atone for. And all those things influenced how you conduct yourself in these relationships. No one person can take the blame for what happens in life. We all play a part, Kathleen. We all form a constellation.”
We sat quiet for a few minutes, each lost in our own thoughts.
“Jack does love you,” he continued with conviction. “I saw it that afternoon at Widgi Creek when he wanted to reach across the table and k
ick my ass. And I’ve seen it every day since.”
“It took me a long time to believe it, but I know you’re right.”
“Then why go through all this?”
“Because something is off. Something is holding us both back, and I can’t see any other way to work through it.” I pulled my phone from my purse to check the time. “I should probably get going.”
Robert nodded with a somber acceptance. He paid the lunch bill, and we made our way toward the airport security line. We stopped a few feet away from the entrance to bid our farewells.
Robert placed his hands on his hips and stared down at the floor, and that’s when it hit me. Although we’d spent years emotionally distanced from one another, we’d never been physically far apart. With the exception of my years at the University of Oregon, Robert had always been by my side. I’d spent years angry with him for not being there for me when the simple truth was that he had tried to be.
He shook his head and lifted his eyes to look at me. I could see my realization had also dawned on him, and I waited to hear his parting words.
“I really hate the new carpet here,” he mumbled.
I nodded. “Change sucks.”
My father rubbed his face with his hand. “I hope things go the way you need them to. Try not to worry about things here. I’ll make sure everything is taken care of.”
“I know you will. Thank you.”
I stepped forward and hugged my father. I didn’t swoop in and back out again, Instead, I held on to him tightly and received a tight hug in return.
“I love you, Kathleen.”
“Love you, too, Dad. Thank you for your support these past few months. I know I don’t make it easy for you. I’m going to be better about it from now on.”
“I’m sorry for all kinds of things,” he added. “I’ll try to do right by you going forward.” My father patted me on the back and I disengaged from his arms.
“Time to go,” he said.
“All right.”
“Let me know that you landed safely. I’ll leave you alone otherwise, and we can talk about what needs to be done when you get back.”
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