Breaking My Heart

by Aleya Michelle

  Oh my god... The mixed emotions. Now it's denial;

  no way it's not over! He just needs time and space, he will miss me, miss our bedroom antics, miss our hot messages and fun times. Tomorrow will be different, just cool it. Wishful thinking; but what if I'm wrong? What if it’s over forever? I'll never see him again!

  The tears start again, the flood gates have opened. He's gone, he doesn't want me, he will find someone else.

  Damn him! Damn love! Damn Men! I trust and then I get hurt! Why did I think he was different, special? It’s my own fault!

  He broke down the walls I'd worked so long to build! They were solid concrete, I was unbreakable, indestructible, and hollow but by not feeling it was better than hurting! This pain, this hurt, this ache it's so raw and cutting. It’s burning like my heart is on fire...

  My heads pounding. I make my way to my bed. Thank god Jemma is out.

  I get my phone send him a text.

  Please. You still love me, let’s just have some space and sort it out.

  He texts back.

  It’s for the best.

  Not my fucking best. I'm dying, struggling to breath.

  I text him again.

  You will change your mind, we are good together, I love you.

  I feel like the scene with Bella from Breaking Dawn Part 2. Lying on the table, dying, not breathing, but with a racing heart. Then it stops. I feel like my heart has stopped. The acid burning through my veins is so painful.

  I fall onto my pillow weeping, sobbing. My gorgeous kitty

  Foxy jumps onto my bed and nuzzles me, he can tell I am hurting. My sweet Foxy is trying to comfort me.

  Hours pass.

  I wake up, I must have fallen asleep. My eyes are stinging and I have a headache.

  I get up grab some Panadol, Jemma is in bed. So lucky, I don't need to answer questions or face her right now.

  I collapse back into bed, and start looking at photos in my phone, he is everywhere.

  No escape and I don't want escape from him. I just want him, every part, his smile, dimples, puppy dog brown eyes, and his solid chest. I need to stop, try to sleep again.

  I wake up at six from the worst night’s sleep I’ve ever had. I text Neeta and tell her I’m sick and I won’t be in the office. My eyes are so puffy and I’m nauseas, there is no way I could go in like this.

  Then I send a text to Kade.

  Call me on your break I need to speak to you xx.

  But he never calls, lunch comes and goes. What, is he that cruel he can't even friggen speak to me now, do I mean nothing to him? Anger is back, I text again.

  What you are not even going to call me, talk things through, let me have my say?

  Still no response.

  I think not knowing is worse than getting an answer. My

  mind has a hundred different scenarios playing. He is just busy he will call after work. What if he doesn't?

  What if he has met someone else? What if I'm too much of a bitch? Am I smothering him with these texts? Oh my god, I'm pushing him away. But if I don't text will he think I've given up on us, that I'm happy with his decision. What to do, what to do?

  I put on my gym clothes, joggers and my iPod to go for a run and clear my mind. I can’t remember the last time I went for a run. I put the iPod on shuffle.

  For fucks sake. The song that plays is Gabrielle's 'Dreams'. Dreams can come true look at me baby I'm with you... I'm sprinting now. Running so fast my heart is racing, my tears are falling!

  My dream did come true. I thought I found my prince charming; a sensitive, charming, shy, boy next door who is now confident and knows what he's doing. Did I change him? Is he too good for me now?

  Does he want someone skinnier, sweeter, and less assertive? I knew this would happen. Maybe one of those bikini promotion girls or another surfer?

  I get home and jump in the shower. When I'm in a towel I call Jemma. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since Kade ended it. She will know what to do, how to help. Won't she?

  Um, her track record is worse than mine, no boyfriends just a string of random hook ups.

  We could write the book of 'what not to do' or 'how to lose a guy in one day' not ten.

  I won’t give up on us!

  I won’t let go!

  Damn it, I tried to end it months ago when he told me he’d

  leave me pregnant, and then he lied about knowing my history with the bartender, why didn’t he just let me break it off then?

  He has broken my heart.

  The one who promised me forever.

  The one who said he never would.

  The only one I’ve ever given my whole heart to.

  The man who saved me from chaos and negativity, who helped me see right from wrong.

  Helped me see I deserved better than what I was getting.

  Kade has taught me about strength, willpower and emotion. I opened up one hundred percent to him and even though it's now raw, bleeding and shredded I'm glad I gave my heart the one thing it craved. Love.

  Being stubborn as all hell, the day Kade ended it was the last day I saw him and spoke to him. He and his father packed up and left. Pete came and picked up Kade’s belongings from my apartment and that made it final. “Pete, tell him to change his mind, please, tell him I won’t give up on us” I say to him as he hugs me and leaves with Kades things.

  If I thought I’d cried a river before, that night was a tsunami of tears. Thank god for Jemma.

  Even though it’s over now I will never forget him or

  our love because it was real, extraordinary, life changing and deep. I can say thank you to him for giving me his love even if it was short lived.

  People come in and out of your life for a reason and I can honestly say Kade was a magical part of that.

  Epilogue

  One Month Later

  I've survived four weeks without him. I wouldn’t actually call it surviving, maybe just dealing with the day to day, thinking about him less and maybe smiling once a day.

  I have finally realised it's over, he was serious. He has not spoken one single word to me or answered a single text in a month, so he gave me no choice but to accept it is really the end.

  I still believe it is because of his mother, he can’t desert his dad so he chose him over me.

  Maybe he couldn't handle me. I’m too outspoken and need my regular sex. I guess I am a smart arse too, but hey if you love someone you need to love every part of them.

  Just like: always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

  So I'm now back on the wild side and drinking a lot, but

  I’m not on the pills or coke. I learnt that life is too short to play roulette with drugs thanks to him.

  I have had sex again!

  I was dying for a decent orgasm a girls not a camel you know, I can’t go without sex like they can water. How long was I expected to wait before I hooked up again?

  It was with a blast from the past a guy I’d been with years ago so it's doesn't count right?

  Made me take my mind of him and forget. Especially when it was hot and in the back seat of my car!

  I still love him so much it hurts, but when that someone won’t make contact what are you to do?

  I have drunk texted him a few times but he never replies. Stubborn arse.

  All I'm focusing on right now is keeping my mind busy because when I'm alone it hits me.

  The darkness, the despair, the loneliness.

  Avoiding alone time is a top priority these days. Jemma has been awesome and I think she is loving having her best friend back.

  I’m having fun with my other girlfriends too. You don't realise when you get a man in your life how much you take them for granted. Not something you do intentionally but you can't split yourself equally.

  I'm back at my old haunts Midnight Dreams and Sweet Satire.

  Loving the dancing till all hours and the music but paying for it the next day with a hangover.

  Will I ever get too old f
or this shit?

  I've also been asked out a few times but my wall is back up. Thanks to him by the way.

  This time though it’s fucking twice as thick. Relationships suck! And just when I thought he was my forever after.

  Going on eight weeks now without Kade, yes I can finally say his name without feeling like a knife is slicing my heart in half. That is huge progress. I've hooked up with a copper a few times, very spunky, strong, hot sex just a little small in the groin department but he knows how to use it.

  Ryan is his name and he is starting to be a bit controlling already, might be warning signs.

  He texted me to see a movie this week but I made something up.

  I have been seeing my father weekly. This has been such a big milestone in my life.

  I am taking it one day at a time. It all came to a head when Kade ended it, I guess it made me realise that it’s better to give things a go and find out the hard way than to miss out on all that life has to offer. I didn’t want to throw the chance of getting to know my father away and after the first phone call talking to him, then meeting up in person it all became natural and normal having my father back. He can’t apologise enough for the past, he really has come a long way and I am grateful to have him back in my life.

  We meet up for coffee after I finish uni for the day. “Your mother told me about Kade. I am really sorry Roxy, I can see how much he meant to you,” my father tells me sympathetically.

  “You are too good for him, there will be another man that will come along and treat you like a queen,” he tells me and hugs me. I smile feeling safe in his arms.

  So much has changed over the last month.

  I never ever would have believed that I'd have reconnected with my father after all these years.

  Not to mention the love of my life would walk away from the person he says he still loves.

  Fucking complicated.

  “Thanks dad,” I say and realise I've only called him Bill for our last few meet ups.

  But at this moment in time, I feel connected to him as a daughter would to her dad.

  He hugs me again. “Thank you for giving me another chance Roxy. I'll make all those years up to you I promise.” I smile at him and it’s maybe in that time and place that I feel a glimmer of hope, that Kade wasn’t ‘The One’ just a lesson along the way and that my prince will rescue me soon enough.

  I may be strong and independent but I’m still a princess in a tower, waiting, hoping, and praying that a prince charming will come rescue me one day.

  They will take me to their castle and shower me with

  diamonds, jewels and gold and treat me like a queen.

  It may be a fairy tale but why can’t it exist?

  Except for the pumpkin and missing slipper I could definitely be Cinderfuckinrella now couldn’t i?

  We are heading to dinner tonight for Neeta’s birthday from work. There will be a couple of work friends but also Neeta’s family and friends. Going to a Chinese restaurant that has karaoke should be a hoot.

  New bunch, different place, I needed a change. It will be Christmas soon and I know that will be hard, I’m hoping I can get through it.

  Jemma is heading out with a friend from her work, she gives me a hug and a few words of advice. “You gotta get on with your life Roxy, Kade is gone,” she tells me trying to convince me yet again.

  “He has moved from the state for god’s sake that can't be anymore final,” she adds just to shove the knife in my heart a little deeper. Of course that is not what she intended but it still hurts like a bitch.

  “I know you are attached to him in more ways than I can understand but if you can forgive him, you will be able to let go and be at peace babe,” she tells me squeezing my hand.

  I head out to dinner and meet a few new girls and couples, and then we head to a club.

  Neeta’s husband Troy introduces me to his cousin Dylan. He has light brown wavy hair, blue eyes that are bright and inviting and well he is a very cute package. Easy Rox, I have to remind myself.

  But like I said my guard is up.

  Dylan starts a conversation and I find out he’s an electrician, lives in Cammeray and has a younger brother and a younger sister.

  So far he is super sweet and soft spoken. I am just enjoying the male attention without the expectations.

  We have a couple of dances and I write my number on his hand, he kisses me goodnight and we part.

  Neeta pulls me aside. “Rox, Dylan was engaged and had his heart broken around twelve months ago and has never moved on.” Oh wow, I think to myself.

  This could be good for the both of us. Maybe we can help each other heal....

  THE END

  'Healing My Heart' Coming Mid 2014

  Prologue

  It's been four wonderful months with Dylan. We laugh, go out to dinner, hang out with friends and he treats me really well.

  Do I think of Kade? Absolutely! Not quite every day; it's gotten easier and better. It was the best decision for us both I see that now. His headspace was messed up thanks to his cheating mother and between his job and surfing he was struggling with himself.

  Letting go was hard, but it was right.

  Do I see a future with Dylan?

  Well sure, there are no flashing lights telling me to run, no crazy ex-girlfriends and apart from one mate they are all easy going. The sex is hot, we have a connection and so far so good.

  Isn't that all anyone can wish for?

  It's Valentine’s Day next week and Dylan is taking me to dinner by the harbour, very romantic.

  I'm excited but hate surprises so it better be worth my

  anxiety. Five days and counting.

  Oh and Jemma is seeing someone, it’s about freaking time!

  His name is Dan and he's a newbie bar tender at the Pub. After lots of flirting between her and him I actually set them up.

  She is hopeless so I took over. It's been one month; record for her. He is still sleeping over, still texting frequently and I can hear the loud screams from her bedroom so the sex is still hot!

  It's my last year at uni and then I'm qualified. Totally cheering about that!

  Work is work, I do love the girls I work with, not trolls like I hear from other offices. They're fun loving and work hard, just like me.

  It's Friday and I'm finishing up work and yay it's Valentine’s Day!

  I've already been spoilt, Dylan sent a dozen roses. Wow, red and they are just beautiful and the scent is amazing I love them. The card read:

  'Dear Roxy, these roses are beautiful just like you, Happy Valentine’s Day.

  From Dylan xx’

  My heart throbbed... Very sweet.

  And talk about god damn timing. Beep, beep my phone

  messages chirp. Oh it must be Dylan checking to see I got the roses. I open my messages and almost drop my phone.

  The name says KADE. No... It can't be... it's been six months since we spoke, no contact at all in six fucking months, this is not happening! Do I even want to read this? My head is buzzing.

  I click on his message.

  Happy Valentine’s Day Rox. I miss you. Love Kade xx.

  Shit, fuck, bloody hell why did I open it! Shocked is an understatement. Why now!

  What does this mean? No! I'm with Dylan now he is too late!

  Does he want me back?

  Wow. I have been waiting for this moment for months! Every day I would check my messages hoping he had changed his mind and wake up to himself.

  Do you know how it feels to be rejected, disappointed, hurt every day for months, weeks, days on end?

  Jilted, shunned, casted out.

  He destroyed me. I put the pieces back together still jagged, with sharp bits that pricked my finger on occasion but I glued it back together. No longer shattered into a million fragments like they were when he left.

  Ok breathe.

  I am happy with Dylan now.

  But he is not my Kade.

  But Dylan has never h
urt me, betrayed me, or told me he would love me forever and then go and leave like Kade did.

  Shit!

  I've dreamt of this moment when the one who held my heart captive in his high tower would return to me like a knight in shining armour.

  Return for me!

  But shit! Is he too late?

  All the anguish, misery and suffering I felt when Kade left has lessened, if only slightly.

  No! You will just hurt me again. You will walk out just like before. Is this my punishment for hurting you those first few weeks? I was bruised from the past, wasn't ready to let anyone in.

  Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again. Skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts!

  He left, he is gone, it's over, we are over!

  If only my heart would slow down I might actually agree with the words coming out of my mouth.

  What the hell am I going to do?

  To be continued...

  Book 2 in the 'My Heart' series is 'Healing My Heart' coming soon.

  Acknowledgements

  What an amazing rollercoaster ride this has been!

  First of all, a big thank you to everyone who has believed in me from the start and encouraged me to complete this novel.

  Writing to me is now a passion and escape that I cherish immensely.

  I will start with Kristy Louise from Book Addict Mumma. Thank you so much for your help, guidance and ongoing support. You are amazing!

  To my fabulous editor Jennifer Tovar from Gypsy Heart Editing. Wow! You have helped me so incredibly much though this indie experience and with your talent made 'Breaking my Heart' into a much stronger story. ?

  To Rebecca Berto from Berto Designs, thank you for my gorgeous cover and teasers! You are so talented and know your stuff :)

  To my formatter Angel Steel from Angels Indie Formatting thank you for your patience and skills.

  You definitely saved me from pulling my hair out :)

  To the awesome authors and friends I've made along the way that have let me pick their brains.

  You know who you are and thank you so much x

  A special mention to Kristine Englefield, Emma Fitzgerald and Jennifer Ryder for sharing this indie journey with me, and for your friendship, advice and support <3