The Perfect Solution

by Day Leclaire

  Of course, he heard. “You didn’t want me coming out here buck-naked, did you, sweetheart?” he whispered back. “Think what everyone would have thought. And they’d have been right, wouldn’t they?”

  A blush mounted her cheeks and she studiously returned her attention to Tucker. “So what’s the problem, Sheriff? Is something wrong?”

  “We received notice that there’d been a break-in at your lab. It was an automated call that came through in the middle of the night.” He shot his deputy an annoyed glance. “But because Jimbo, here, wasn’t familiar with the procedure in dealing with that sort of situation, he waited until this morning to notify me.”

  Jimbo reddened. “Sorry, Miss Jane.”

  “That’s all right, James,” she responded politely. “I didn’t even know my lab had an alarm.”

  “It was a going-away present,” Flynn volunteered, hoping it would ease her anger. It didn’t.

  Jane went to straighten her lab coat and realized an instant too late that she wasn’t wearing one. To cover her lapse, she marched over to the cement-block building, flung open the front door and led the way inside. Then she stopped so fast, Jimbo plowed into her.

  “Sorry, Miss Jane,” he said automatically, before whistling in astonishment. “Well, would you look at that.”

  Jane was already looking. The foyer remained untouched, as did her office and her uncles’. But the brand-new glass door Flynn had insisted on installing had multiple dings in it, with small starbursts of shattered glass around each impact. To her delight, the door had held. She cupped her hands against the glass in an effort to see into the darkened lab. Two of her chairs lay in fragments on the floor. No doubt they’d been used to ding the door. And sitting with his back against the glass, slumped in an exhausted heap, was Mick.

  “Mick, you son of a bitch!” she shouted, pounding on the glass. Jimbo and the sheriff stared at her in open-mouthed disbelief. Flynn chuckled. But Jane didn’t care. She was too furious to worry about her reputation. “This is the last straw.”

  Mick scrambled to his feet and threw himself at the door. “Let me out of here! I’ve been trapped all night.”

  “I ought to seal up this door and leave you there until you turn to dust.”

  “It’s not my fault! I came in here to...to— Never you mind.” He body-slammed the door again. “Let me out of here!”

  Flynn pulled a small remote control from his pocket and handed it to Jane. “Punch in your birth date.” She lifted an eyebrow in surprise that he’d even know such a thing and he shrugged self-consciously. “Seemed appropriate at the time. You’ll want to change it later—it’s so obvious.”

  She did as he said and the locks on the door snicked open. Mick tumbled through, landing face-first at their feet. “Get me a lawyer,” he shouted. “I want to sue somebody.”

  “Feel free,” Jane retorted. “You can sue just as soon as you get out of jail for breaking-and-entering and burglary and whatever else Sheriff Tucker decides to arrest you for.” She turned, slanting the sheriff a pleading look. “You are going to arrest him, aren’t you?”

  “Absolutely, Miss Jane.”

  “It won’t stick! You weren’t home and I needed a file I left behind after our breakup. The door locked behind me and the power went out and the phones went dead. I couldn’t get out.”

  “You’re not supposed to. That’s the purpose of this particular security system. It traps idiots,” Jane snapped. “Trust me. I know.”

  Flynn cleared his throat. “Jane?”

  “What?”

  “I’m afraid you’re going to be annoyed with me.”

  Uh-oh. “Why?”

  “In addition to the new door and other security features, I put a camera in your lab and out here in the foyer.”

  She turned her outrage on Flynn. “I told you I didn’t want a camera.”

  “I know. And after our little slide into that mudpit yesterday, I can even understand why.” He tried to look suitably abashed. “It was very wrong of me.”

  “Yes, it was.”

  “It did catch Mick, though, and what he was doing in your lab.”

  She blinked. Then she smiled. “Flynn?”

  “Yes, sweetheart?”

  “I forgive you.”

  “Tape?” Mick croaked. “You got me on tape?”

  “Six full hours,” Flynn confirmed, “starting when you first walked into the building and—” he took a quick peek in the pocket of Jane’s lab coat “—and deposited a small payment. Hell, depending on what time you got here, it’s probably still running.”

  Mick blanched. Then his eyes narrowed and he spun to face Tucker, grabbing at his shirt. “It’s all Morgan’s fault! He set me up.”

  The sheriff removed the sweat-dampened fingers and reached for his handcuffs. “That’ll be a little tough to prove, Barstow, since he’s been keeping me apprised of his plan each step of the way.”

  Mick turned to Jane next. “You have to listen to me. This is all one of Morgan’s schemes. He’s an ex-con, did you know that? Burglary, running scams. You name it, he’s done it.”

  She shrugged. “Flynn already confessed about that.”

  Mick began to babble. “He told me to go to the lab and help myself to the file. I thought it would be okay. I’d never have done it if he hadn’t given me permission.”

  “What about all those other times I caught you in here?”

  “I was looking for you!” Mick shouted. “You know that. How can you believe Morgan over me? He preys on women like you. It’s his specialty.”

  She folded her arms across her chest. “Lucky me.”

  “And has he told you that your uncles bought him at a bachelor auction? Bought him so he’d seduce you?”

  “Shut up, Barstow,” Flynn growled.

  Jane stilled. “What are you talking about?”

  “Your uncles bought him because they knew no one else around here would touch you. Morgan was the perfect choice. They bought him to install your security system and be your own personal test subject. Why not use him to keep you happy, too?”

  Flynn gathered Barstow’s shirt in his fist. “One more word and I deck you.”

  “Morgan,” the sheriff warned. “Turn him loose.”

  “My God, you’ve fallen for her.” Mick laughed, the sound harsh and jeering. “Flynn Morgan, the man who’s seduced more women than he can count, has fallen for an inept—”

  “That tears it.”

  Flynn threw a right hook that would have made Paulie proud. Barstow crashed into the wall behind him and slid to the floor. He clutched this jaw, moaning. “Arrest him! He hit me. I think I lost... I did! I lost a tooth.”

  “Sorry, Barstow,” Tucker said coldly. “We didn’t see a thing. Did we, Jimbo?”

  “You got that right.” The deputy balled his hands into fists. “But if I hear another nasty crack about Miss Jane, I’m throwing my own punch that no one’s gonna see. We may not like her experimenting on us, but nobody talks about Jane like that and gets away with it. Nobody.”

  Tears pricked her eyes. “Thank you.” She glanced at Flynn and then away. “If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll have a word with my uncles.”

  Flynn swore. “Jane, wait.” She didn’t listen. Not that she ever did. He caught up with her outside the lab. He talked fast. “Look, Mick was right. They did purchase me at a bachelor auction. It was to raise money for Lost Springs Ranch. The place where I grew up? It was for a good cause. That makes a difference, doesn’t it? Helping homeless kids?”

  “They bought you to seduce me?”

  Aw, hell. “Not even a little. It just... It just worked out that way.”

  She charged toward her uncles. “You bought Flynn to seduce me?”

  Hickory glanced at his companions and sighed. “Yes.”

  Dogg nodded morosely.

  Candy wrappers exploded around Rube and he sniffed. “It was so you wouldn’t go away.”

  “I don’t understand.”

&n
bsp; “We picked Mr. Morgan because we were certain you wouldn’t fall in love with him. He was...safe.” Hickory poked at the grass with his cane. “Or so we thought. We didn’t want some man tempting you away from here, like Barstow almost did. And since none of the men in town appealed other than as subjects for your experiments, we bought you a birthday gift. Mr. Morgan, here. You could use him to experiment on. Have a little fling, if that’s what you wanted, and enjoy life, all without ever leaving home.”

  “He’s an all-purpose present. Yes, he is.”

  Tears slipped down Jane’s cheeks and Flynn glared at the three. “Look what you did! You made her cry.”

  “Isn’t that the sweetest thing you ever heard?” she sobbed.

  “Sweet?” Flynn lifted his gaze heavenward. “Aw, hell. Why am I even surprised?”

  Dogg spoke up. “Barstow told Jane that Morgan loves her.”

  Jane clasped her hands together and stared at her uncle. “Does he? Does he love me?”

  “One hundred percent probability.”

  Flynn closed his eyes. “Son of a—”

  Jane spun around to face him. “You...you love me?”

  “Hell, yes.”

  She shook her head, the tears starting up again. “No, you don’t understand. You aren’t in love with me. Honestly, you’re not.”

  It took every ounce of self-control to keep from ripping his hair out. “You are something else, you know that? A man tells you he loves you and you tell him no, he doesn’t.” The tears flooded down her cheeks, melting Flynn’s anger like a sack of sugar in a rainstorm. “Aw, honey. Please don’t do that.”

  “It’s all a horrible mistake,” she managed to say between sobs. “You don’t really love me.”

  “Uh-huh.” He turned to Dogg. “Interpretation, please?”

  “She cheated on her pheromone experiments.”

  “I did,” she wailed. “I didn’t try each of the twelve formulas. When I realized number nine was working, I cheated. I kept using just that one so you’d keep doing—” She spared her uncles an embarrassed glance. “Doing what you were doing. It’s not love you’ve been feeling. You’re under the influence of my pheromone perfume.”

  He gripped her shoulders. “How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not under the influence of your damn pheromones. Not unless they’re part of the normal chemistry between a man and woman. In that case, you’ve been influencing the hell out of me.”

  “I know you think you’re right, but—”

  “I am right. If your perfume worked, all the men we’ve come in contact with over the past two weeks would have been panting to get their hands on you. And as shortsighted as I think they are—scared is more like it—they haven’t acted like lovesick puppies.” He thumped his chest. “I’m the only lovesick puppy around here.”

  Dipstick whined.

  “Okay, fine. And maybe your dog. He’s pretty darn crazy about you, too.”

  “You can’t argue with science, Flynn,” she informed him bitterly.

  “Watch me!”

  Tucker and Jimbo emerged just then with a protesting Mick between them. Flynn’s eyes narrowed and he thought fast. He had to prove their relationship wasn’t a result of her perfumes and only one possible way occurred to him. He stomped over toward Mick, who cowered back, fending him off with manacled hands.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  “Wasn’t planning to.” Flynn plunged a hand in Barstow’s pocket and retrieved the bottle of pheromone solution he suspected he’d find there. “Stand still,” he ordered the three. “And don’t move.”

  “What are you doing?” Jane asked nervously.

  “Proving a point.” He unstopped the bottle marked LP-9 and upended it over Jane, making sure it splattered on every inch of available skin. Then he caught her shirt lapel and towed her back toward the sheriff, the deputy and Barstow. “Gentlemen, in the name of science, you will take this like men.”

  “What’s going on, Morgan?” Tucker demanded.

  Flynn shoved the love of his life toward his chosen victims. “Breathe deep, my friends.”

  Off to one side, Dogg snorted. Hickory paled. And Rube watched with wide, rounded eyes, untwisting one candy wrapper after another and popping a half dozen sour balls into his mouth all at once.

  “Please, don’t,” Jane pleaded. “You don’t understand what could happen. I’m not sure I can handle the repercussions.”

  “I know precisely what’s going to happen, and trust me, you can handle it.” Satisfied that they’d all sniffed the hell out of Jane, he tucked her safely out of view. “Now, I know you all suspect you’re about to be consumed with irresistible lust. But the truth of the matter is...this isn’t a sex experiment.”

  Jimbo sagged in relief. “Thank goodness,” he muttered.

  “Nope. She’s given up on sex pheromones. Recently your Miss Jane has been working with the government updating her aerosol truth spray.” He glanced at Barstow. “You know all about her truth spray, don’t you, Mick?”

  “You’re lying!” he shouted. “They’re pheromones.”

  Flynn shook his head. “You really are gullible, Barstow. That’s just what she wanted you to think. It’s called a cover story. Since it was government work, she had to keep it all hush-hush.” He inclined his head toward Hickory. “Sort of runs in the family, if you catch my drift.”

  They all stared at the dazzling gold ball topping Hickory’s cane. “I’d heard rumors,” Jimbo muttered.

  Hickory grinned.

  Tucker opened his mouth, shot Flynn a sharp look, then closed it again.

  “It’s working, isn’t it, Tucker,” Flynn prompted.

  “Damn you, Morgan!” the sheriff bit out. “You had no business contaminating me without warning. Do you realize how much confidential information I’m privy to?”

  Flynn lifted an eyebrow. “Like what?”

  Tucker gritted his teeth, his hands balling into fists. “Like... Like we have an ex-mobster who’s living here under an assumed name. He’s part of the witness protection program.”

  “Thank you, Sheriff.” Flynn gave the other two men significant looks. “You see how effective this stuff is. It’s even stronger than the formula she developed when she was sixteen. I can assure you the sheriff wouldn’t reveal such sensitive information if the spray didn’t work.”

  Jimbo started hyperventilating. “Oh, no. Oh, no. I can’t believe this is happening. Truth spray. Jeez. Okay, okay. I confess. It’s me! I did it. I’m the one who’s been eating all the jelly doughnuts.”

  Tucker sighed. “Relax, Jimbo.”

  “It gets worse.” The deputy’s voice rose shrilly. “Your daughter and I are secretly married. We eloped three weeks ago.”

  “Why, you—”

  “I believe Barstow has something to say,” Flynn interrupted. “Don’t you, Mick?”

  Mick sank to his knees with a moan. “It wasn’t the pheromone formulas I was after. It was the truth spray. Everyone in town insisted it worked, so I presold it to some very desperate men. I admit it. I needed the money. I have bills. Lots of them. I have a mother in convalescent care. I have an ex-wife. And I have good taste. Really good taste.”

  “Why didn’t you steal the formula when you two were dating?” Flynn demanded.

  “I didn’t stumble across her formula until right before our relationship ended. I didn’t have the opportunity to take a sample, then, and Jane was watching me. But I did manage to incorporate the data in a research file in Jane’s computer. I figured she might hand it over since, without the code, it looks like a standard report. The truth formulations are imbedded in the text. I had until the end of the week to pass on the information or return the money. Since I don’t have any of the money left...”

  “You’re up to your ass in alligators?”

  Mick shuddered. “Something like that.”

  “If all you wanted was the truth spray, why did you also take her pheromone perfume?”

  “To see if it
really worked. That’s all there is. I swear I’m telling the truth.”

  Hickory burst out laughing. “Very good, Mr. Morgan.” He hooked his cane over his arm and applauded. “I’m most impressed.”

  Flynn took a modest bow. “Thanks.”

  Jimbo looked from one to the other in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

  Tucker turned on his deputy. “You moron! He didn’t really use her truth formula. Morgan wanted to prove that Jane’s sex spray doesn’t work. That he really loves her for herself, not because of some perfume. I played along to see if I could get a confession out of Barstow. Fortunately, he’s as much of an idiot as you.”

  “It’s not...? There’s no mobster?”

  “No mobster.”

  “I wasn’t being forced to tell the truth?” Jimbo closed his eyes and sank to the ground next to Mick. “I’m dead.”

  “You got that right, Deputy. Now get your ass back to the station. You can call my wife and daughter and tell them to meet us there. Then we’re all going to sit down and have a chat. A nice, long, tooth-loosening chat.”

  “Yes, sir.” Jimbo beat a hasty retreat.

  “I’ll dispose of this trash.” Tucker yanked Mick to his feet. “I’ll need you to come in, Miss Jane, and fill out a report. You, too, Morgan. You’ll have to give me a final update.”

  “Final update?” Jane asked. She turned to Flynn as the sheriff dragged Mick off the property. “What does he mean by that?”

  “He means that we’ve been planning this sting for a while. As soon as I found out what Barstow planned, we came up with a way to stop him.”

  “The sheriff knew what you planned? He helped? You both did that for me?”

  Flynn nodded. “Which is why he was so mad at Jimbo for not saying anything when the call came in about the break-in. Of course, I suspect that’s now the least of Jimbo’s problems.”

  “So, Mr. Morgan,” Hickory interrupted. “You’ve now proven that Jane’s pheromone perfume doesn’t work. Thank you so much for destroying her hopes and dreams. Any other loose ends you care to take care of before leaving?”

  “Thought the perfume worked,” Rube gurgled around cheeks bulging with sour balls. “Worked on Mrs. Motts. How come it worked on her and not on Jane?”