I lift my head and gently smack his chest. “How good is your memory? You are way too good at quoting me verbatim.”
His laughter rumbles through his chest and causes it to vibrate against my palm. “I’m good at paying attention. Sue me. But really, how’s your soul-searching coming along?” He sounds curious and is watching me with a genuine look in his eyes.
I can’t look at him without my thoughts getting muddled, so I lie my head back down when I respond. “It’s going better than expected,” I admit as I run my fingers along one of his arms. “I came here hoping to find myself again, but I don’t think I really expected it to happen.”
His free arm is rubbing my back, and it calms and soothes me. “Why do you say that?”
“Well...” I pause as I try to figure out how to word what I’m feeling. “I think I initially wanted to come back home to hide from my issues for just a little bit. I wanted a change and, while I was hopeful, I didn’t really expect anything to come of it. But now…” I trail off.
“But now what?”
I sigh. “I’ve actually found a sense of purpose again and some of that is because of you.” His body tenses underneath mine, and I realize how my words must sound. I quickly add on, “If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have gotten so involved in getting the barn fixed up. It’s given me something to look forward to, and I can’t even begin to express how happy I am at the prospect of having cider brewing again at Shady Layne. It feels great to be part of something I’m actually invested in again. I have a sense of purpose here. Thank you for helping me with that.”
His body is once again relaxed, and I can’t help but feel disappointed at his initial reaction to my words.
“I’m glad I could help. So what comes next?”
I think about my next words and answer honestly. “I’m not sure. I feel purpose here, but I can’t guarantee that it won’t disappear when I’m back in the city. If it does, I know that it probably isn’t me but what I’m doing. It might be a sign to look for something different. I’ll have to discuss it with CC this weekend.”
“Who’s CC?” He sounds curious.
“My best friend. We’ll actually be getting together this weekend,” I say, the excitement clear in my voice.
“You goin’ back to the city?” His tone is neutral so I can’t gauge how he feels about this.
“No, the other way around. CC is actually coming to visit so we’ll have to press the pause button this weekend.”
“I understand,” he laughs. “I’m glad you’ll have a friend out here visiting you. But really,” he continues on, “when you head back to Chicago, do something that makes you happy. If it isn’t graphic design, don’t do it. Or if it is, then find someone who appreciates you. You could even start your own business and be your own boss. I could never go back to working for someone else now that I own my company.”
“I haven’t thought of doing that, but it’s definitely a great idea,” I muse.
“Of course it is, I gave it to you.”
We both laugh as I pinch his arm. “Oh stop. Really though, was it scary starting off on your own?” I ask as I lift my head and look him in the eyes again, my chin propped on my hand.
He thinks about his answer before responding. “A little,” he admits. “There’s a lot of work and paperwork to get done. I think the toughest part was getting clients and establishing myself as my own person, but once you get someone who’ll vouch for you and take a chance on you, you’ll be fine. It took some getting used to, but it’s a great feeling knowing that my business is doing well and that my hard work has paid off.”
“That’s really great, Lawson. Good for you. I’ll have to add that to my list of options for when I go back. Thanks for the advice!” I lean in and give him a quick peck on the lips to show my gratitude.
“Anytime, darlin’,” he says. My heart stops for a second as we look in each other’s eyes. He’s giving me a look that’s filled with tenderness and warmth and I wonder, for the millionth time, if I’m imagining things or if he’s starting to feel the same way.
I’ve internally struggled with my feelings for Lawson for years and am frustrated with my feelings. I thought I could handle this, but if my heart hurting at the thought of leaving him at summer’s end is any indication, I’m already in too deep.
I break eye contact and watch my fingers as I splay them across his smooth, tanned skin. “I should probably get going,” I say, happy I’m able to keep the reluctance out of my voice.
“Already? Why don’t you stay for a movie? It’s still early.”
I look up at him again, and his smile takes my breath away and steals another piece of my heart. Before my brain can talk sense into me, my heart takes over and answers. “Okay, that’d be nice.”
He smiles again, grabs the remote, and starts to look through movies on Netflix. As we watch the movie with our limbs entwined, I can’t help but think about how I’ve fallen for this man. With each moment we spend together and each smile he carelessly throws my way, I fall more hopelessly intertwined with him. Too bad he doesn’t feel the same. Damn you, Lawson. You make it so easy to fall for you, but you make it so hard to do anything about it.
17
It feels like years have passed until Saturday finally rolls around. I’m a combination of anxious and excited because I can’t wait to talk to Cade and get his perspective on things. After all, he is a guy and gives some brutally honest feedback if needed. Not only that, it’ll be good for my soul to spend some time with my best friend. I’m downstairs cleaning up the aftermath of this morning’s breakfast and am lazily scrubbing dishes as I try to organize my thoughts for our talks later.
“Whatcha thinkin’ about there, sis?” My brother’s familiar drawl snaps me out of my reverie, and I look away from the pan I’ve been mindlessly wiping.
“Nothing really. I’m just excited because my best friend is visiting from Chicago today. I just want time to pass as quickly as possible, you know?”
“Yeah, I know, but take some pity on that pan. Here,” he says, grabbing the soapy pan from my fingers and rinsing it off in the sink. “You sure that’s all you’re thinking about?”
My brother’s concern for me is sweet, and I realize I also miss our close camaraderie. It’s hard to stay close when you live in different states. Even though I’d love to unload some of my burdens on him, I can’t. I can imagine Smith’s reaction and it isn’t pretty. Oh yeah, Smith? I’m screwing your best friend and I’m not sure how he feels, but I’m pretty sure I’m falling for him. What should I do? I’m pretty sure my brother would go kill Lawson and lock me up before I could even finish my sentence. Yeah, so not happening.
“Yep, that’s it,” I assure him. I need to change the subject. “So what are you doing today? Anything fun?”
“Yeah, I’m going fishing over at Stout Creek for a few hours. Lawson should be here to pick me up any minute now.”
I try and keep my expression neutral as I respond. “Oh, you two are going fishing? That’ll be fun.”
“It should be a good time. Even though he’s here working on the barn a lot, we don’t get to hang out and shoot the shit as often as we used to. I was happy when he called me up. I’ve been trying to get together sooner, but he’s been unusually scarce. Come to think of it, I think he might be seeing someone.”
Keep your cool, Mac. Keep your cool. I take a deep breath through my nose and exhale through my mouth before I respond. I’m pretty sure the reason Lawson’s been scarce is because we’ve been spending practically every night together. Having sex. In secret. Oh God, I’m going to hell.
“Well, at least y’all get to hang out. That’s all that matters.”
I mentally pat myself on the back for sounding so unaffected.
“That’s true. Plus, knowing Lawson, it’ll fizzle out quickly. He’ll never settle down. He’s not the serious type. Whoa there, Mac. Watch it!” he yelps.
I didn’t realize but at his words I roughly slammed
a pot into the soapy water in the sink, splashing water and suds everywhere.
“Sorry about that,” I murmur, completely flustered. I’m such an idiot. “It slipped.” Yep, I’m so going to hell.
We finish the dishes together, and thankfully the subject has steered away from Lawson. Smith chats on happily and succeeds in making me laugh more than once with his crazy stories.
“Thanks for helping me with the dishes, Granny.”
“Anything for you, sis. It’s nice having you home, even if you do call me by that stupid nickname,” he says.
I laugh because his nickname isn’t going anywhere any time soon. “It’s nice being back. I’ve missed you.” I lean in and give him a hug before pulling back and punching him playfully on the arm.
“Hey! What was that for?”
“For not visiting me in Chicago. I know we both get busy, but it’d be great if you could visit me in the city if you get the chance.”
“I’ll visit every weekend if it’ll keep you from hitting me,” he teases. He clears his throat before continuing in a more serious tone. “Really though, I’d love to visit. It’s just hard to pull myself away. You know how it goes. Besides, I keep hoping you’ll decide to move back here. It isn’t the same without you. But if you do go back, I’ll make sure I visit and that we keep in touch more.”
“I’ll try and do the same. Don’t get your hopes up though. My stay here is temporary, but if I can visit more I’ll do it. I promise.”
Smith reaches over and ruffles my hair like he did when we were kids. I squeal and we get into a brief tickle tussle in the middle of our kitchen, our laughter filling up the house.
“What’s goin’ on in here?” an amused voice asks from the doorway.
I breathlessly pull away from Smith’s grasp and step away. My hair’s a mess and, if my brother’s face is any indication, my face must be as red as a Gala apple.
“My monster of a sister attacked me,” Smith says dramatically.
“Oh, please, you little liar! You attacked me!” We can’t help the peal of giggles that follow my words. It really is nice being back home.
“You two are hilarious,” Lawson joins in on our laughter as he watches us with sparkling eyes.
“Well, I should probably get goin’,” Smith says. “You ready man?”
“Ready if you are. Mac, did you want to join us this morning? We’re goin’ fishing,” Lawson offers.
“It’s nice of you to offer, but CC will be here soon. Thank you though. I still need to get ready, and then I’m sure we’ll find stuff to do. We’ll probably go shopping and catch up on things.” I smile at the thought.
“Sounds like a good time,” he smiles. “Anyway, we should get goin’ while it’s still pretty early. I’ll be in the car, Smith.” His words are accompanied by a smile and a walk out the door.
“Y’all have fun out there today and be safe,” I say as I walk my brother to the porch.
“Always,” he reassures me. “You have fun with your friend today. Maybe we’ll catch y’all later.”
“Yeah, maybe. Now get goin’ before it gets too hot.” I playfully push him toward the stairs and watch as he makes his way to Lawson’s truck where all their fishing gear is packed up. I watch him get inside and wave back as they drive off. Just as I see Lawson’s taillights disappear, I hear my phone ping with a text notification.
Cade: GPS says I’m an hour away.
Me: Yay! I’ll get ready and can meet you out front.
Cade: Sounds good. What did you want to do today?
Me: Up to you. If you wanna eat we have leftover breakfast. We can head out after.
Cade: Sounds good. I can always eat. See you soon.
Me: Drive safe. :)
I smile as I tuck my phone in my pocket, turn, and head back into the house. Today’s going to be a great day.
In my eagerness, I shower faster than normal and have a little extra time to spend on my appearance. I hear my phone go off just as I finish swiping on a coat of mascara. The excitement that’s been simmering since I found out about Cade’s visit bubbles over. I haphazardly apply some lip gloss before I grab my phone and run down the stairs at a pace that would have my mother shouting at me if she were home.
Shoes squeaking, I burst through the front door and run down the steps in time to see a black luxury rental car pull up to the house. I shake my head as I smile. Cade is such a city guy. If I didn’t know better, I’d be worried that he couldn’t cut it out in the country.
The car doesn’t make a complete stop before I’m running to the driver side door. I practically dance on my tiptoes as the door swings open and launch myself into Cade’s arms as soon as he steps out of the vehicle. I give him a fierce hug and smile wider when I feel his warm arms return the gesture. As I squeeze him, I can’t help but think to myself that this hug is as much for me as it is for him.
I pull back and look up, up, up into his amber eyes. I think Cade is the only man I’ve met who is taller and bigger than Lawson. Dammit. There I go again thinking about him. I need to focus on my best friend. He’s rumpled from the drive but looks happy to see me.
“CC!” I exclaim happily. “I’ve missed you. Thanks for visiting me!”
His deep laugh warms my heart, and he smiles at me as he holds one finger up in the universal signal of wait just a second before turning. He bends and leans his tall frame into the car. When he comes back out he’s holding a square cardboard box. My brow furrows slightly as I look at it, but then I gasp when I see the name scrawled across the top of the box.
“You actually got me my Giordano’s? Oh my God, you really are the best! Chicago Classic? Deep dish?”
He gives me a look as he arches an eyebrow. Duh. Of course he did. He’s Cade.
“I should know better. Thank you! Let’s go eat this,” I say as I drag him by the wrist back into the house.
We heat the pizza up in the oven and easily fall back into our old routine as we share the delicious, cheesy goodness. I knew I missed my friend, but I didn’t realize just how much I missed having someone I could be around without having to worry about what would pop out of my mouth. I stare across the table at Cade and take in his wide shoulders and tousled, dark brown hair. He looks huge sitting in my family’s kitchen and looks a little out of place in his button-up shirt and slacks.
“Your hair is getting long,” I point out playfully.
“Yeah, yeah,” he rumbles. He runs a hand through his hair and it draws attention to the unruly curls.
He doesn’t say it but I think he’s growing his hair out because he’s self-conscious about his hearing aid. Cade served in the military for a few years because he wanted to do his part for our country. Unfortunately, he didn’t come away unscathed. He lost almost all of his hearing in his left ear and wears a hearing aid. It’s partly why his verbal responses are so short. He’ll never say it, but he’s worried about how his words sound since he can’t hear himself completely. He’d rather listen, this one. Not only that, he lost part of his left leg overseas and wears a prosthetic. It still makes my heart hitch that someone so wonderful and outwardly confident can be uncomfortable in his own skin sometimes. I met him after all this happened and he’s gotten better, but he definitely has some unresolved baggage. I decide to change the topic so he feels more at ease.
“So, what do you want to go do? Do you want to take a nap?”
He thinks for a moment as he chews some of the pizza he brought back with him. “No, I’m good,” he says slowly. “Show me your town.”
“You sure about this? Big city CC wants to see little ol’ Starwood, Tennessee?” I tease.
“I might as well, it is my vaca,” he says as he rolls his eyes.
“Anything in particular you’d like to do?”
A shake of the head is all the answer I need.
“Got it. Well, I hope you’re ready. I’m about to show you every touristy thing this town has to offer. I’ll even get you a shirt! But first, I want to show yo
u around the orchard and show you what I did growing up!” I say, the excitement and pride clear in my voice.
He groans in response, but I can see the large smile breaking out across his face.
As we head back outside and toward his rental car, I can’t help but think of how nice it is to have my two worlds collide. It’s too bad that this can’t be the norm, but I’ll be thankful for this time with my bestie. Besides, showing him around town will be a good way for me to remember my hometown when I eventually move back to the city.
We spend most of the day touring the orchard and visiting a bunch of the kitschy souvenir shops that border Starwood. We even took a nice long drive with the windows rolled down, basking in each other’s company and the warm summer sun. We eventually work up another appetite so I decide to take Cade to Stella’s, the local diner that I used to frequent as a teenager. Outside of a home-cooked meal, Stella’s is the best he’ll get when it comes to trying good ol’ Southern food.
We enter the diner and are greeted warmly before we’re taken to a booth. I slide in on one side and the vinyl squeaks under my thighs, the sound familiar and oddly comforting. Cade sits across from me, and I smile because his muscular frame is almost too much for this place. Come to think of it, he’s probably too much for this place. I look around and, sure enough, everyone woman in the place is staring at him with doe eyes and slack jaws.
“What is it with me and knowing men who are unfairly attractive?” I mutter under my breath.
Cade cocks his head to the side, and I know he didn’t really catch what I said. A faint blush steals over my cheeks as I shake my head and gesture for him to look at the menu. Our waitress comes by to take our order, and we both order Nashville-style hot chicken with mashed potatoes. I can feel my mouth water and, even though I ate half a deep dish pizza earlier, my stomach grumbles at the thought of my next meal. Note to self: avoid the scale.
Sin and Cider Page 13