Sin and Cider

by Kimberly Reese

  I look up at him and have to admit that he’s handsome in a wholesome, boy next door way. He’s tall, with golden hair the color of sunshine, and his eyes are a warm brown color. He isn’t looking at me with lust in his eyes. Instead, he exudes a friendly vibe, and I find myself softening toward him.

  “No, dancing would be nice. Thank you,” I smile.

  He leads me to the dance floor, and my anger from earlier soon fades to the background. It’s still there but is no longer simmering so close to the surface, ready to boil over at any moment. Deacon is a great dance partner and maneuvers me easily around the dance floor as he tells me joke after awful joke.

  “What’s a pepper that won’t leave you alone?” His eyes are twinkling, and his lips are already twitching at the corners.

  I feel an answering smile form on my face as I think about it. “I don’t know. What?” I ask.

  “Jalapeño business.” He says the words with extra flair and the expression on his face matches the ridiculous punch line.

  I throw my head back in laughter at his joke. “Oh my God, that was terrible. It’s so bad, it’s actually good,” I say as I wipe a tear or two from the corners of my eyes.

  “Just wait, you’re going to be sharing that one with people. I’ll let you borrow it.”

  “How generous of you,” I say as I roll my eyes playfully at him.

  We continue to dance and smile, erupting in peals of laughter every now and then at another of his bad jokes. I notice him looking over my shoulder periodically and decide to ask him what he’s looking at.

  “What’s grabbed your attention, Deacon? You keep looking behind me. Do you see another unsuspecting person to practice your comedy routine on?”

  “Ha, very funny. Actually, I’m staring at a man who looks like he wants to walk across the floor and punch me in the face. For my own safety, I’m keeping an eye on him.”

  My face blanches slightly at his words. “What’s he look like?” I can’t help but ask.

  “Tall, brown hair, wearing a tux. I think it’s Lawson Westbrook. He owns a construction company in town. Why? Do you know him?” He’s looking between me and Lawson, shifting his eyes back and forth. “Oh, you do. What’s the story there?”

  “No story to tell,” I say bluntly. “We just know each other’s families.” Even saying the words makes my heart break a little more.

  “As much as I’d like to believe you, I don’t think that’s the truth,” Deacon replies honestly. “Besides, he’s on his way over here.”

  “What?!” I exclaim in an annoying mix of disgust, fear, and shock.

  “Yep. His date in the ugly orange dress walked off with a bunch of other women in hideous dresses. Incoming in three...two...one,” he counts down in a whisper.

  Right on cue, I feel a solid presence behind me.

  “May I cut in?” Lawson’s words are terse and barely polite.

  “Yeah man, take care of her. She’s fantastic.” Deacon winks at me and I mouth “traitor” at him before turning and stepping into Lawson’s arms.

  We hold onto one another stiffly but soon his dancing skills and our unfailing attraction to one another prevails, enabling us to move across the floor fluidly. It’s only a matter of moments before Lawson breaks the silence between us.

  “Who was that?” Wow, he wastes no time in getting straight to the point.

  “Are you kidding me, Lawson?”

  “What? I saw you two all cozy and laughing together. You two looked close.”

  Oh, he’s a fucking crazy hypocrite. “Excuse me? If we looked close, then I’m sure we don’t hold a candle to you and Della,” I spit out her name as if it leaves a foul taste in my mouth.

  Lawson’s mouth tightens, and I feel him stiffen at my statement. “Oh, you can bring up who I’m dancing with, but I can’t do the same?” I taunt. “Those are some double standards, Lawson. Why are you here now, dancing with me?”

  “I didn’t like seeing you dance with him,” he admits in a voice low enough that I have to strain to hear.

  “Well too bad, Lawson. You obviously came here with someone else. Cut the mind games and confusing shit. She’s your date, right?”

  He looks at me and his eyes are blazing. “Yes.”

  “I didn’t know you two were so well-acquainted. I also didn’t know that when you told me this morning you’d be busy, that you’d be busy with her. Besides, I thought you didn’t screw around with more than one person at a time.”

  “I don’t,” he says, making me feel more confused. “And we aren’t...yet.”

  I want to cry at his confirmation that he’s on a public date with someone else, someone who isn’t me, and at what his words insinuate. Does this mean he’s done with me? “I thought you didn’t date women in our town.”

  “Yeah, well, Della is different.”

  Those five words effectively confirm my suspicions and kill the hope that had flared to life after we made love last night. While I’m still feeling sad, I also feel white-hot rage start to build deep inside of my chest. I thought I was different, but I guess I’m wrong.

  “Lawson, last night…” I pause and try to keep my composure intact. “What was last night all about then? I got the impression that this was different, that there was more between us.”

  He stares at me for an indeterminable amount of time before he answers. “It was a different experience, Mac, that’s all. I care about you, but not in that way. I told you this was temporary.”

  “But…what if I? I...” I trail off. I won’t beg, but I’m just so confused. “Just to make things clear, you don’t see this going anywhere?”

  His expression is stoic and I can’t read it at all, so much so that his next words surprise me and catch me off guard. “Mac, do you love me?”

  I can’t lie to him or myself anymore. “Yes,” I breathe. “I love you, Lawson.” I want to kick myself at the way my voice cracks slightly when I say his name.

  His expression doesn’t change as he responds. “I know. I’m sorry, but I don’t love you back and I never will. This summer was just about fun.”

  His words slice through my heart and cause the pieces that have broken apart to explode into tiny, miniscule shards. Thankfully, the anger that’s been brewing inside sparks some life into my body and my words.

  “Fuck you, Lawson. Fuck you and your stupid arrangement. And fuck you for throwing me aside like this just so you can chase some new piece of ass.” I rip my arms away from his and step away from him. Keeping my voice low I say, “I don’t love this asshole that’s saying this shit. That’s not the man I’ve grown up admiring. I don’t know what happened to him, but the Lawson I love is the one who made love to me last night.”

  “He’s gone,” is all he says in return.

  “Who’s gone?” a whiny voice says from behind my back.

  Lawson’s eyes glint in irritation as they look behind me. I turn and see that Della has returned from her trip to the restroom.

  “No one,” Lawson mutters.

  Della saunters up to Lawson and places her claw-like hand on his bicep again, clearly staking her claim.

  “So good to see you, Mac. My mother said she ran into you at the grocery store recently. How long are you in town for?” She’s smiling but her words are disingenuous, her eyes cunning and cruel.

  “Only a few more days,” I say, not bothering to add that I still have every intention of moving back. Lawson lost every right to information about me when he broke my heart.

  “Oh? Well, that’s too bad,” Della crows, the satisfaction in her eyes belying her words. “If you were staying longer, I’d have loved for you to go on a double date with us,” she squeezes Lawson’s arm.

  “Oh, how nice of you,” I say, sarcasm clear in my voice. “I need to go find my date. Have a good night, Della.” I give one final look at the man who has stolen my heart and handled it so carelessly. His face is impassive, and his body is tense as he watches me. “Goodbye, Lawson,” I say with finality.<
br />
  Without another word, I turn on my heel to go find Langley. I need to get the hell out of here.

  27

  Chicago—One Week Later

  “Another glass, please,” I gesture to Cade to pour more of my favorite wine.

  He obliges and grabs the bottle off the coffee table to pour me a generous amount. I’m back in our apartment and am sprawled out on our couch in the ultimate comfort clothing: my unicorn onesie and fuzzy socks. He knows I need to numb myself a little bit as I try and forget Lawson, which is next to impossible when I can’t stop cursing the bastard’s name.

  After my run-in with Lawson at the charity event, I found Langley and we left early. She spent the night with me and we gorged on an ungodly amount of ice cream as we binge-watched too many episodes of reality television to count. She tried to reassure me that everything would be okay and made a valiant attempt to convince me of Lawson’s feelings, but I couldn’t forget his cold words. The next morning, I booked my ticket back to Chicago and flew out that night, not wanting to chance seeing Lawson and Della out in public. I surprised myself by doing a nice job of holding it together, but as soon as I saw Cade I broke down and sobbed, all of my pent-up emotion from the past couple days finally boiling over.

  “I’m gonna be okay, CC,” I slur my words just a bit. Perhaps I’ve had too much wine. “Besides, I need to be back in time for the barn’s reopening next week. My parents are selling the jugs at the farmers' market and getting the word out, but I want to be there. I need to be there. I worked hard,” I say, feeling that same spark of anger that’s kept me going the past week.

  “I never doubted you’d be okay, Mac,” Cade says. “Trust me, it’ll all work out.”

  “It will, but I’m so confused.”

  “I’m sure he is too, Mac,” he supplies. “I can’t speak for him since I’m not entirely sure what the hell is going on in that head of his, but I’m sure there’s an explanation for all of this.”

  “Wow, are you sticking up for him?” When I shared all the details of what had me coming back home sooner than planned, I thought Cade was going to explode. I’m still surprised he didn’t hop on the first flight back to Tennessee to kick Lawson’s ass.

  “No,” he reassures me. “But his actions that night don’t add up to everything else that went on between you two. Something isn’t right.”

  “Thanks for having girl talk with me. I know it must kill you,” I smile weakly.

  “You’re my best friend. It’s no biggie.” He gives me an answering smile in return as he gets up from the couch to stretch. “I won’t lie. I’m going to be dragging Ollie to some super manly activity to make sure I get my testosterone levels back up.”

  His comment causes me to snort in laughter, and it also lightens the heaviness in my heart. I’m thankful that he’s here to support me but will restrain myself from expressing it so he doesn’t get embarrassed.

  I get up from the couch as well and walk my empty wine glass to the sink. “Speaking of plans, guess what I have planned over the next few days?” The excitement I feel manages to peek through, and Cade must notice because he smiles and ruffles my hair with one hand.

  “Besides packing?”

  “Besides packing,” I confirm.

  He steps back and leans against the kitchen island, his hands resting on the countertop on each side. “No clue. What’s going on?”

  “I have a few meetings with clients that I’ve worked with in the past. I emailed them letting them know I was back in town, and they’re excited to hear more about my plan to go solo with design. They’ve agreed to follow me, but I’m hoping they’ll be open to referring me to fellow business partners.”

  “Nice, I’ll also be sure to spread the word as well. You were wasting your talents at your old job. I’m excited for you.” He smiles at me, and I know I’ll get a few clients out of Cade’s referrals. In the business world his word is gold, and if he likes a business enough to endorse it, then others will surely follow.

  “Thanks CC, for everything.” I walk over and give him a quick hug before stepping away and walking toward my bedroom.

  I have a busy few days ahead of me, what with packing and the business lunches, and need to make sure I’m prepared. Even though Lawson ended things with me, I still feel excited to go back home because I know in my heart it’s the right decision. I may not be getting everything I hoped for but I’m ready for what’s in store.

  Lawson

  “You’re an asshole,” a disembodied voice reaches my ears as I try and blink my eyes open. I hear the clinking of bottles before the voice speaks again. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

  “Ugh, who’s there?” I scrub my hands over my head in an effort to dull the pounding in my skull. “And please, stop yelling,” I groan. I feel like a jackhammer was used in an attempt to get to my brain, the pain is so acute.

  “Your sister, you douche canoe!” Langley shouts. So much for some peace and quiet. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Her voice gets progressively louder and as I lean up on the couch, I finally spot her. She’s moving around my apartment with my recycling bin and is angrily tossing empty beer bottles inside in an attempt to clean up.

  “What day is it?”

  “Ugh, men! It’s been two days since the charity auction, Lawson. And you know what happened right after?”

  She’s stomped over to me by this point and is glaring down at me with daggers in her eyes. Holy shit, when have I ever seen Langley this angry?

  My thought is cut short when she continues. “I took Mac home, and I watched her heart finish breaking over your stupid ass. And you know what else?”

  My gut clenches at the thought of hurting Mac the way I did. God, I’m so fucked up.

  “No. What else, Langley?” I ask warily.

  “She went back to Chicago yesterday, you self-absorbed prick! She’s no longer in Starwood. How does that make you feel now, huh? Ugh, I can’t even look at you. I love you Lawson, but I’m so ashamed to call you my brother right now.”

  I’m hit with a wave of nausea, and I know it isn’t from all the beers I’ve been drinking since the night of the charity auction. Shame, hot and intense, washes over me. My skin crawls at the memory of what I said to Mac and how I ended things.

  “She moved back?”

  “That’s what I said, Lawson. Honestly, what the hell were you thinking?”

  I groan and bend so my head is hanging between my knees, my arms thrown over my neck. “I don’t know, Langley.”

  She shakes the recycling bin threateningly, the clinking of the bottles causing my head to ache further. “Well, you best get to explainin’ mister before I start breaking things, starting with your face.”

  I sit back up and put my elbows on my knees so I can rest my temples between my palms. “I freaked out, Langley,” I whisper.

  “No shit, Sherlock. God, I didn’t think I got all the brains, but it sure seems that way now. She told me you made love to her and were telling her you’d miss her which, while a complete overshare, is completely misleading if you say you’re not looking for anything serious.”

  I’m silent as I process her words.

  “Do you want something serious with Mac?” she demands.

  “I don’t know what I’m feeling, Langley,” I groan. “I don’t fucking know anymore. The other night was a mistake, but nothing happened with Della, I swear it.”

  More silence passes, and I glance up to see that she’s sitting on the coffee table in front of me. She’s looking at me expectantly and raises her hand for me to continue.

  “Yes, we made love,” I admit. “And it was me who brought it up. We agreed to keep our time together temporary and physical. I wasn’t looking for anything more, Langley. You know how it is in this town. Everyone’s in everyone’s business, and when you come from our family it’s multiplied tenfold.”

  “Mmhmm, go on.”

  “I told her this and even took her out on dates in other towns
to avoid gossip in this town,” I admit with chagrin, to which my sister mutters under her breath that I’m a tool. I can’t help but agree. “I know, I know. But you know me, I’ve never had anything serious with anyone. I just never saw it in the cards for me. With Mac though...everything is different. I feel like something’s tugging at me when I’m not near her, and when I’m near her I never want to leave. She got under my skin and when she told me she loved me—”

  “She what?” Langley exclaims. “Oh God Lawson, don’t tell me you didn’t say it back.”

  “I didn’t say it back.” I still can’t believe she said it in the first place.

  “You are such a fucking ball sack!”

  “Langley, I didn’t want anything serious. I don’t know how to deal with all these...emotions and shit. She told me the night before the charity auction as she was falling asleep, and I don’t even think she remembers saying it. I freaked out and after I dropped her off, I got a phone call from Della. Her mother gave her my phone number, and she said her date got sick and she needed a date to the event. I went with her in hopes that the town would talk and word would get back to Mac, but I wasn’t prepared for y’all to show up together and for her to see it in person. This is all so fucked up.”

  “You’ve got that right, Lawson. You fucked up. Now what are you going to do to fix it?”

  “I don’t need to ‘fix’ anything, Langley. It’s over. It was never goin’ anywhere with Mac anyway. We both knew that.”

  My sister stares at me for long moments, a skeptical expression on her face. “So you’re telling me that you don’t care if she’s back in Chicago and finds love with someone else?”

  I can’t even bring myself to answer because I know if I say I don’t care, it’d be a lie. A look of triumph sparks in Langley’s eyes at my lack of answer.

  “Exactly! Let me tell you somethin’. I’m not sure you realize it, but moments ago you said you weren’t looking for anything more and you didn’t want anything serious. Past tense, Lawson. Past tense. I think you’re just afraid to have found someone who changes all that for you, and you’re unable to get over having your private life in the spotlight for a little bit. I have one last question for you, Lawson. I know you mentioned you don’t know how you’re feeling, but if you’re honest with yourself I think you know the answer. Do you love Mac?”