Year of the Monsoon

by Caren J. Werlinger

  “You never listen,” Maddie answered through clenched teeth.

  When the baby finally came, Maddie went to where he was being wiped down and wrapped in a blanket. Awestruck, she held him, her eyes shining with tears. Nan shook her head when the nurse asked if she wanted to hold him. The staff had been made aware of Nan’s situation. Maddie held the baby a few minutes longer, then handed him back to the nurse. She went to Nan and held her tightly while she sobbed.

  “Does he know that that’s where he was born?”

  “At nine fifty-two on August thirty-first,” Nan murmured as she absentmindedly poked a water chestnut with her fork. “I don’t know.” Her expression suddenly shifted as she remembered her conversation with Leisa and understanding dawned. “That’s what she meant.”

  Chapter 11

  “DO YOU REALLY THINK that was a coincidence? If you could re-live that moment, and do things differently, how do you think things would change?”

  Those used to be some of Leisa’s favorite topics of conjecture. “Just imagine the possibilities of all the alternate realities for every choice we could make. It’s mind-boggling,” she would say.

  “Yes, it is,” Nan would usually agree. “My mind is completely boggled by the stupid choices people make. Whether they realize it or not, they create most of their ‘coincidences’ by where they choose to be or who they choose to hang out with, and then blame the universe for the fallout. They never see their own choices as the source of their misery.”

  “You’re such a skeptic,” Leisa would laugh. “I absolutely believe that chance encounters really do happen, and that they change people’s lives.”

  “Which kind was this?” she wondered a few days after joining her gym.

  She had finished running on a treadmill and was going through the weight circuit when she heard, “Leisa? Is that really you?”

  Leisa turned around to see Sarah standing there. Sarah “I’m getting married, but I still want you” Atherton. Or whatever the hell her name was now.

  “Hi,” Leisa said lamely. “Do you belong here?”

  “No,” Sarah laughed. “I work here. I’m one of the personal trainers.”

  Leisa self-consciously pulled her stomach in a little as Sarah looked her up and down.

  “You look great,” Sarah said admiringly.

  “Thanks,” Leisa mumbled, cussing herself as she felt the blood rush to her cheeks.

  Sarah glanced over to her client who was done with one machine and waiting by the next.

  “Gotta go,” she said, flashing a big smile. “We should catch up.”

  “Yeah. We should do that.”

  “Yeah, we should do that?” Leisa berated herself as she turned to her next machine.

  “What were you thinking?” She started yanking on the handles. “You should have told her to go f — Don’t!” She stopped herself. “Don’t do this. She’s just someone you haven’t seen in a long time.”

  The next machine positioned her so she could see Sarah reflected in the mirror. Damn, she looked good. She was lean and muscular and didn’t mind showing it off. She looked up suddenly and caught Leisa looking. She flashed that smile again. For the remainder of her workout, Leisa tried not to look in Sarah’s direction and she managed to get out of there with no further conversation.

  When Leisa got home from the gym that night, all thoughts of Sarah were driven from her mind by an envelope from the New York State Health Department. Inside was a letter of consent authorizing them to give out her identifying information. That could only mean that someone biologically connected to her had registered also.

  “If you sign this, there is no turning back.” In her head, Leisa could clearly hear Nan’s voice warning her. It would have been so comforting to be able to talk to Nan about this. Leisa actually picked up the telephone, her finger poised to punch the numbers, but she put it back down.

  “So, what went wrong with your relationships?” Leisa had asked Nan when they were in the early stages of getting to know one another.

  Nan settled back into the corner of the sofa, tucking her legs under her.

  “I guess I was always flattered if someone really attractive was interested in me, and I kept thinking if they were willing to settle for someone like me they must be ready to get serious –”

  “Wait a minute,” Leisa interrupted. “What do you mean, ‘settle for someone like me’?”

  Nan stared hard at her knees. “You know what I mean. Beautiful women aren’t attracted to intellectual geeks like me.”

  “Okay,” said Leisa, holding up both hands to make Nan stop. “First, I’m not even going to comment on how you just insulted me.”

  “What? No, I didn’t –”

  “Second,” Leisa interrupted again, “we need to have a serious talk about your self-esteem issues.” She cocked her head. “Why don’t you see yourself as beautiful?”

  Nan picked at an imaginary piece of something on her pants. “Believe me, in my family, I’m not. And I was reminded of it frequently.”

  “I’ve seen photos of your family. You look just like them.” Leisa paused. “Sometimes I wonder what that would be like,” she mused.

  “What?”

  “To look like other people. To look like you’re part of a family.”

  Leisa focused on Nan again, reaching out to take Nan’s hand in hers. “You are beautiful,” she insisted gently. “And intelligent.” She scooted closer. “And funny in a sarcastic kind of way.” Closer still. “And did I mention that you’re beautiful?”

  She pulled Nan to her for a kiss. She savored the softness of Nan’s mouth as she responded to the pressure of Leisa’s lips. After a long while, Leisa pulled away and said, “I want you to know I am not settling for you. I deserve better than what I’ve had and so do you.”

  “I can’t,” she said now to Bron. “I can’t just call her when I need something.” Bron answered by rolling on her back for a tummy rub. Just then the telephone rang.

  “Hi.” It was Nan.

  “You must be a mind reader. I was just thinking about calling you.”

  “You were?” Nan asked cautiously.

  “Don’t sound so worried,” Leisa said guiltily. “I just wanted to talk to you.”

  “Really?”

  “There are… things we need to talk about.”

  “Yes,” agreed Nan. “I was calling to see if you could come over for dinner tomorrow evening?”

  Leisa thought for a couple of seconds. “That sounds nice. What can I bring?”

  “Bron?” Nan asked hopefully. “I miss her.” She paused awkwardly. “I miss both of you.”

  Leisa emerged from the toilet stall, wiping her mouth with a wad of tissue. She went to the sink and rinsed her mouth and face. She raised her eyes to her reflection in the mirror. “Who the hell are you?” she whispered to herself. The face staring back seemed to her to be the face of a stranger, one she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

  She was startled by Maddie’s entrance into the restroom.

  “Hi,” Leisa said as she quickly began washing her hands.

  “Hi,” Maddie returned. She went into a stall. “Nan said you went over for dinner a couple of nights ago. How was it?”

  “It was… okay.”

  “Just okay? From what Nan said, it sounded as if you two had a good talk.”

  “We did.” How could she explain that by the time she got back to her mother’s house that night, it wasn’t Nan she was angry with, it was herself.

  Nan’s face had lit up with delight when she answered the door. “You don’t have to ring the bell, you know,” she said as she squatted down to hug Bronwyn. “This is your house, too.”

  “I know,” Leisa said awkwardly, “but…” She looked around at the familiar foyer, trimmed in the original oak that she and Nan had painstakingly refinished.

  When Bron calmed down enough to let Nan up, Leisa extended a hand to pull her to her feet.

  “Thanks,” Nan smiled, holding
onto Leisa’s hand a few extra seconds.

  “Dinner smells wonderful,” Leisa said, noticing as she passed the dining room that Nan had set the table with a tablecloth and candles. “I brought a bottle of the merlot you liked at the wine tasting we went to last Christmas.”

  “How about pouring then? I think everything is about ready,” Nan said.

  Leisa retrieved the corkscrew from the drawer where it always was. This was so weird. Her furniture, her dishes, her house… but not. Leisa poured two glasses of wine while Nan put a bowl of chicken and rice on the floor for Bronwyn and then dished out huge servings of pot roast with potatoes and carrots. There was a basket of warm, fresh rolls already on the table.

  “This is delicious,” Leisa commented as she took her first bite.

  “You always were easy to impress,” Nan smiled. “Remember the first meal I made for you?”

  Leisa grinned. “Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup,” she recalled.

  “That’s what you said you wanted.”

  “I love simple food,” Leisa shrugged.

  They ate for a few minutes in silence.

  “How are you doing?” Nan asked. “You didn’t seem like you were in a really good place on your birthday.”

  “Oh, that.” Leisa said sheepishly. “Yeah, well, I guess I was just having a night of feeling sorry for myself. Fueled by this,” she added, swirling her wine.

  “It sounded like a little more than that,” Nan probed gently. “I didn’t realize what you meant at the time, but it sounded like you were wondering if your birth mother ever thinks about the day you were born?”

  Leisa’s cheeks burned with her embarrassment at the memory of that pathetic whimper.

  Nan knew her well enough to read her thoughts. “There’s nothing wrong with wondering about that connection.” She hesitated before adding, “I don’t know about anyone else, but I always remember that day, the exact time…”

  Leisa looked at her, searching Nan’s face – a face that was as familiar as ever, but different as she opened up about this topic for the first time. “Was it hard?”

  Nan’s eyes were hard, flinty. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.” For several seconds, Nan held Leisa’s gaze, then she asked, “Would you like to see what he looks like?”

  Leisa blinked. “Yes, I would.”

  Nan got up and returned a moment later with Todd’s photo and letter. Leisa stared transfixed at his image. She was reminded again that for them, life was now defined as “before Williamsburg” and “after Williamsburg” and nothing would ever be the same. “It was the start of the monsoon,” Nan was to say much later when they looked back and realized that that overheard conversation, that unintended revelation had become the thing that knocked their shaky relationship off its crumbling foundation.

  “You know,” Leisa said wistfully, “over these past few weeks, I’ve wondered what life would have been like, what our life together would have been like if you’d raised him. Our son.”

  “I’ve wondered that, too,” Nan admitted. “Paths not taken.”

  “Are you going to meet him?”

  Nan brushed back the loose strands of hair hanging along her cheek. “I wasn’t going to when Chisholm first contacted me, but now…” she glanced at Todd’s letter. “I’m not sure when, with his treatment schedule, and he wants to stay caught up in school as much as he can. He and his parents will drive up from Georgia and we’ll meet in Raleigh.”

  She looked over at Leisa. “What about you? It sounds as if you’ve been thinking a lot about your birth mother. Have you considered trying to find her?”

  Leisa took another bite of roast before replying, “I think I may have already found her.”

  “Really?” Nan asked, sitting back in surprise.

  “In New York, if both parties register and indicate they want to exchange information, the state will do it. I registered a couple of weeks ago and I think someone else has registered also.”

  “Wow.” Nan was at a loss for words. “I’m just surprised, since you never seemed like you had any desire to find her before. What did Jo Ann and Bruce say?”

  Leisa took a long time chewing and swallowing before replying, “I haven’t told them.” Nan stopped as she reached for her wine glass. “I’m not sure how they would feel about it,” Leisa said, staring at her plate. “Especially Jo. I don’t want her to feel like I’m trying to replace Mom.”

  Nan sat back and looked at her fork as she twirled it in her fingers. “So,” she began in a cautious tone, “you’ve avoided telling your aunt and uncle about this because you’re not sure what their reaction might be and you don’t want to hurt them.”

  Leisa froze as she caught the full weight of Nan’s implication.

  “I’m going to get dessert,” Nan said as she rose from the table.

  Leisa followed a couple of minutes later, bringing dinner dishes in and rinsing them for the dishwasher.

  “What triggered this sudden desire to search for her?” Nan asked, her back to Leisa as she set out coffee cups and began cutting a large carrot cake.

  “I guess it was the note mostly.”

  Nan turned to her. “What note?”

  “I forgot. That was one of the things we never got to talk about.” She accepted a cup of coffee and a plate from Nan, and returned to the dining room. “In Mom’s papers I found my adoption folder. There was a handwritten note from my biological mother. Apparently, when I was born, she changed her mind about giving me up and kept me for six weeks before deciding to go ahead with the adoption.”

  Nan stared at her. “Your parents never told you any of this?”

  Leisa shrugged. “Jo said that was part of what they wanted to explain when I started asking questions, and I never did.”

  Nan watched Leisa’s face intently. “So, you lose your mother, and find out that she kept a secret from you your whole life, then find out that I’ve kept a secret from you, too.” She leaned her elbows on the table. “That’s a lot to deal with.”

  “Don’t!” Leisa said angrily. “Don’t treat me like one of your clients.”

  Patiently, Nan said, “I’m not treating you like one of my clients. I’m treating you like someone I love, someone I know I’ve hurt; only now I’m finding out that I’m not the only one who hurt you.”

  Leisa pushed away from the table and called Bron. Nan hurried after her. At the door, she caught Leisa by the arm, and said, “Whatever you’re going through, I’m here for you. I love you, and I am not giving up on us.”

  Unable to say anything in reply, Leisa broke loose from Nan’s grasp and bent to snap the leash to Bronwyn’s collar. She hurried down the steps with Bronwyn, fighting the urge to run, wishing she could run from the person she’d become. A person guilty of exactly the same kind of lie of omission Nan had committed, by not telling Jo Ann and Bruce about the adoption registration. And guilty of not telling Nan about Sarah tonight, she reminded herself. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that she hadn’t said anything because it was meaningless, part of her knew better. Realizing she was capable of lying about this, she wondered what else she was capable of.

  “Well, that explains a lot,” Maddie said later that night when Nan had told her and Lyn about the evening. “No wonder she’s been so angry, pushing everyone away.”

  “Keep a close eye on her,” Nan pleaded. “She’s standing on quicksand right now, and I don’t think she knows it. It’s going to pull her in at some point.”

  “Maybe that will be a good thing,” Lyn said. “It might force her to realize she needs to reach out to you.”

  “I just hope it’s me she reaches for.”

  Chapter 12

  LEISA’S TELEPHONE BUZZED. LOOKING at the blinking light, she could see it was Sadie from the front office.

  “Yes?”

  “Maddie needs to see you as soon as you can get up here,” Sadie announced.

  “What’s up?”

  “You’ll
see.” Sadie loved knowing things others didn’t yet.

  When Leisa got upstairs, Sadie said, “Maddie wants you to sit and wait until he leaves.”

  “Until who leaves?” Leisa asked, her curiosity piqued now.

  Sadie raised her penciled eyebrows. “You’ll see,” she repeated mysteriously.

  Puzzled, Leisa took a seat in one of the chairs along the wall. Within a few minutes, Maddie’s door opened and she escorted a man out. He was small in stature, dark-complected. Maddie towered over him.

  “When can I take her?” he was asking.

  “I’m not exactly certain, Mr. Gonzalez,” Maddie responded. “I’m sure you understand that there are several legal steps we need to follow before Mariela can be released to your custody.” Leisa nearly fell off her chair as she heard Maddie add, “I’m sure Mariela will be very happy to learn she has an uncle.”

  Leisa tried to observe him surreptitiously as he left. Maddie went to the window behind Sadie’s desk to watch him descend the front steps. After a few seconds, she turned to Leisa and said, “Come on into the office.”

  Maddie shut the door behind them. Leisa imagined Sadie’s chagrin at not being able to eavesdrop.

  “Mariela’s uncle?” Leisa asked incredulously.

  “So he claims,” Maddie said, picking up her pad of notes from her conversation with him.

  Leisa was relieved to hear the skeptical tone of Maddie’s voice. She leaned forward and started to move a water glass sitting on Maddie’s desk.

  “Don’t touch that!”

  Maddie leaned forward, and used a tissue to carefully pick the glass up and move it to the bookshelf behind her desk.

  “What are you doing?” Leisa asked in confusion.

  “I thought it would be a good idea to ask the police to run his prints,” Maddie explained.

  “What is going on?”

  “I don’t trust this guy. He shows up out of nowhere, claiming to be Florida Gonzalez’ brother. He supposedly just returned from Mexico to find his sister dead and his niece here with us.”

  Leisa leaned her elbows on the desk. “Mariela has never mentioned any other family.”