Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5)

by Amy Clipston

  Not this discussion again. “I know, but—”

  “There is no excuse, Lydia,” Barbie continued with a stern expression. “There’s nothing you could say to convince them otherwise. This behavior is no way to get the full-time teaching position.”

  Lydia bit her lip and stared at the toes of her black sneakers as doubt seeped through her. “What if I’m not sure about the teaching position?”

  “What?” Barbie’s voice was full of shock. “What did you say?”

  Lydia met her confused gaze. “I said, what if I’m not certain I want the full-time teaching position?”

  Barbie lowered her thin body onto one of the desks in the front row. “You can’t mean that.”

  With a shrug, Lydia leaned the broom against the wall behind her. “I’m just not sure what I want to do. I like teaching just fine, but I also love working in the bakery. What if I want to work full time with my mammi, aentis, and cousins instead of teaching full time?”

  “You’re talking narrisch now,” Barbie insisted. “You’re meant to be the teacher. The scholars love you, and the school board is froh with your work. You would be ignoring God’s call if you chose to work in the bakery instead of teaching here.”

  Lydia shook her head. “I don’t feel God’s call.”

  “Are you listening to your own words, Lydia?” Barbie stood up and spread her arms wide. “I’m very disappointed that you would consider not following me in this classroom. I’ve already heard the school board say they would seriously consider you. You belong here. This is what God wants for you. You need to serve the community here, not in the bakery. Your mammi has plenty of bakers.”

  Lydia studied Barbie’s disappointed face and guilt surged through her, replacing the doubt. “How do you know I belong here?”

  Barbie smiled. “Because you’re very gut at teaching. You’re a gut baker, but there are plenty of gut bakers around. We don’t have many teachers. It would only make sense for you to replace me.” She crossed the room and stood in front of Lydia, taking her hands. “You need to pray about this, and I think you’ll see what I mean. We need you here. You need to remember your place, and it’s not with that English bu with the handsome face and fast words. You belong with our people.”

  “You’re right. I won’t see him anymore.”

  “Gut.” Barbie began straightening the row of desks. “Let’s get done so we can go home. It’s been a long day.”

  Lydia grabbed the broom and began moving it back and forth across the floor. While she knew she would miss talking with Tristan, she also believed Barbie was right. Lydia needed to focus on her community and the perception of her relationship with Tristan.

  One thought kept nipping at her, however. How could an innocent friendship be wrong?

  14

  After the service the following Sunday, Lydia bit her bottom lip and stared across the pasture toward the boys playing volleyball. Her eyes were glued to Joshua’s handsome face while he laughed and spiked the ball. He moved with a mixture of grace and masculinity, and she was mesmerized.

  “Just go talk to him,” Amanda muttered as if reading Lydia’s thoughts. “You’ve been watching him so long that I’m surprised your eyes haven’t fallen out of your head.”

  Lydia gave Amanda a playful swat. “I have not.”

  “Ya,” Amanda said. “You have.”

  Nancy dropped onto the bench beside theirs. “What are you two talking about?” She held out a plate filled with raisin oatmeal cookies, and Amanda and Lydia each took one.

  “I was just telling Lydia she needs to stop staring at Joshua and just go talk to him,” Amanda said between bites of cookie.

  Lydia elbowed Amanda, warning her to be quiet.

  Nancy shrugged. “What’s so difficult? Just go talk to him.”

  Lydia watched as the boys walked away from the net and started across the pasture toward the house. Joshua held the ball and tossed it up, setting it to himself while he walked and talked to a friend.

  “Now is the perfect time, Lydia.” Amanda looked toward the group of boys coming close to them. “Go on or I’ll call him over and really embarrass you.”

  Lydia gasped. “You wouldn’t dare.”

  “No, she wouldn’t,” Nancy said with a smirk. “But you know that I would.” She stood. “Do you want me to call him over?”

  “No!” Lydia gestured for her cousin to sit. “I’ll go talk to him.” She stood, smoothed her dress, and touched her prayer covering, hoping that she looked presentable and maybe even pretty.

  Amanda and Nancy exchanged grins, and Lydia glared at them before she started toward the field where the boys were marching toward the house. As she approached the boys, Joshua glanced over, saw her, and broke off from the group. She breathed a sigh of relief when he headed in her direction. She’d dreaded having to talk to him in front of the group of boys. Although most seemed nice enough, she felt embarrassed around them.

  “Hey, Lydia!” Mahlon called while waving from the other side of the field. “Missed you again last week. You need to come and hang out with the rest of us again.”

  Lydia’s cheeks burned when Joshua looked at her with a confused expression. She kept her eyes on Joshua and hoped that Mahlon would get the hint and keep heading toward the house. She breathed a sigh of relief when she caught up to Joshua. “Josh,” she said. “Wie geht’s?”

  “I’m doing fine.” With a frown, he gestured in the direction of Mahlon. “He seems to always want to talk to you, ya? Every time I see him at church he’s running after you. Why is that?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. So how are you?”

  “I already said I’m fine,” he repeated, tossing the ball up and down in his hands. His expression softened. “How are you?”

  Lydia smiled. “I’m okay.” She absently twisted one of the ribbons from her prayer cap around her finger. “Can you talk for a minute?”

  “Ya.” He pointed toward a bench under a tree across the pasture. “Want to walk over there?”

  “That sounds gut.” Falling in step with him, Lydia’s heart fluttered. She wanted to follow Irma’s advice and ask him about the girl from Gordonville, but her confidence had faded when she looked up at his smile. Why didn’t she have the confidence her seven-year-old sister had? “How is your family?”

  “Doing fine,” Joshua said while still fiddling with the ball. “My dat dropped a tool and broke his toe last week, but he’s doing much better. I’m glad Joey and I can help him with all the chores and take some of the load off him. We’re also helping my grandfather with his farm on top of our chores.” He looked at her cautiously before going on. “How are you doing? How’s Ruthie?”

  “I’m doing fine,” she said with a shrug. “The visit with my mamm, Ruthie, and Mammi was gut yesterday. My mamm is very optimistic that the treatments are going well. Ruthie was a little weepy. She wanted to come home with us and didn’t understand why she still had to stay at the hospital.” A lump grew in Lydia’s throat when she thought about how Ruthie had sobbed in their father’s arms. She’d also seen tears in his eyes, which made the pain even worse.

  “I saw your mammi earlier.” Joshua pointed toward the house. “I guess she came home?”

  “Ya,” Lydia said. “She came back with us. My aenti Kathryn rode up to the hospital with us and stayed with my mamm. She tried to convince my mamm to come home and get some rest, but she couldn’t leave Ruthie.”

  They reached the wooden bench, and Lydia lowered herself onto it.

  “I can’t blame her really,” Lydia continued. “Ruthie is her boppli. How could she possibly leave her, right?” She sniffed. She hated feeling sorry for herself, but part of her wished her mother would come home.

  “What’s on your mind?” Joshua dropped the ball onto the ground and then sat on it while facing her. “You can tell me.”

  Wiping the tears that flooded her eyes, Lydia shrugged. “It’s selfish and gegisch, but I wish my mamm could come home for a week to be
with us. Just having her home for a few days would give me some relief from all of the pressure I have to deal with by myself.”

  He nodded. “I can see how you’d feel that way. You have a lot on you, and you all miss her.”

  Lydia smiled. “That’s exactly right.”

  “But I think she’ll be home soon.” He rested his elbows on his bent knees. “You said yourself that she’s optimistic, ya?”

  She swiped her eyes with the back of her hands. “I did.”

  “There you have it.” He smiled, and her heart turned over in her chest. “Do you think you’ll be able to come back to youth gatherings again? I know that you’re busy with your siblings, but maybe your dat would let you come every once in a while?”

  She fingered the ties on her prayer covering. “I haven’t asked because I’ve assumed he would say no, but maybe he will change his mind since things are looking up for Ruthie. I know he was bedauerlich to come home without her and Mamm, but he also told me he believes they will be home soon.”

  “That’s great news!” Joshua’s expression brightened. “I’m so froh to hear it.”

  “Danki,” Lydia said, letting her hands rest in her lap. Irma’s suggestion echoed through her mind, and Lydia decided to try to broach the question of the girl in Gordonville in an indirect way. “So, you’ve been going to the youth gatherings?”

  “I’ve actually made it to the last few. I missed quite a few, but I’m back.” He rolled his eyes. “If I don’t go, my father teases me.”

  “Teases you?” Lydia couldn’t help but smile. “Why would he tease you?”

  Joshua shrugged, and she thought she saw pink flush his cheeks. “He says I’ll live with my parents forever and never marry if I don’t go to the youth gatherings.”

  Lydia felt her own cheeks heat up. “Is that so?”

  He gave a laugh that almost sounded nervous. “I told him I don’t need to go to youth gatherings to find a fraa.”

  She swallowed, and her stomach fluttered. She wondered if he was referring to her or the girl from Gordonville, but she was too nervous to ask.

  “I hope you can come back to the gatherings,” he said. “I miss seeing you there with your cousins.”

  “I’ll see what my dat says about it,” she said, her voice a trembling whisper.

  His expression darkened slightly. “I heard you have an Englisher friend.”

  Oh no! Lydia swallowed a gasp, remembering how Barbie had glared at her from Deborah’s porch the day she gave Tristan a tour of the school. “Who mentioned that to you?”

  He frowned. “So it’s true?”

  Lydia paused and glanced toward the house, wondering if Barbie or her aunt Deborah had told the community about Tristan. Or perhaps Deborah had told someone, and the rumor had spread through a quilting bee.

  Lydia took a deep breath, mustering all the confidence she could find deep within herself. She was going to answer this question and give Joshua the whole truth, despite how her hands trembled in her lap.

  “I’m not certain what you heard, but the truth is that I’ve become acquainted with a neighbor and his family, and they happen to be English. I consider him and his family freinden, and that’s it.” She studied his face, wondering if he was jealous or envious, but she couldn’t read anything into his blank expression.

  “How did you meet him?” he asked as he moved off the ball and sat beside it on the grass.

  “I was walking by his haus the day he was moving in, and his little sister ran out to greet me while chasing her dog.” Lydia smiled as she thought of Michaela and Bitsy. “Since then, I’ve taken pastries to their haus to introduce myself and my siblings, and Tristan has stopped by to see me a couple of times.”

  “Tristan?” Joshua looked confused. “That’s his name?”

  “Ya, he’s Tristan, and his sister is Michaela.”

  “Those are unusual names.” He lifted the ball and dropped it in his lap. “You like him?” The question was cautious.

  “He’s a gut freind,” Lydia said simply. “He’s easy to talk to.”

  He raised an eyebrow with curiosity. “Easier to talk to than your Amish freinden?”

  Why would he make that assumption? She shook her head with annoyance. What rumors were spreading about her and Tristan? She opened her mouth to answer but was cut off by a bellow from across the field.

  “Joshua!” Mahlon shouted while standing by the volleyball net. “You need to give back the ball!”

  Joshua stood. “I guess I’d better go. They may come for the ball and it could get ugly. You don’t keep these buwe from their volleyball games.”

  Lydia rose and walked with him as he started toward the makeshift volleyball court. She wanted to defend her relationship with Tristan, but the opportunity was gone.

  When they reached the outskirts of the volleyball court, Joshua gave her a smile. “Hopefully I’ll see you tonight.”

  Lydia’s pulse skittered. “I hope so.” As he ran off, she contemplated all the questions he’d asked about Tristan. She wondered if Joshua was jealous of Tristan or if he was worried about her reputation. No matter the reason, Lydia knew one thing: she was intrigued by his interest.

  “Please, Dat,” Lydia said, her voice a high-pitched whine. “Can’t I go tonight?”

  Dat shook his head, his face remaining a scowl. “No. I need you home.”

  “But why?” Lydia asked while standing in front of his favorite chair, where he sat every night after supper. “The kitchen is cleaned up, and the kinner are getting their baths.” She glanced at the clock on the mantel. If she hurried, she might be able to catch a ride with Joshua, which would give her a chance to speak to him without any interruptions during the ride to the farm that was hosting the youth gathering.

  Turning back to her father, she took a deep breath and willed her voice to be calm. “I promise I’ll be back at a decent hour. I’ll ask Josh to bring me back before it gets late so that I can be up extra early tomorrow to help the kinner get ready for school.”

  “I said no,” Dat said, looking down at the open Bible in his lap.

  Lydia seethed. It didn’t make any sense. If all her chores were complete then why couldn’t she go? She’d never known her father to be unreasonable, which made this all the more frustrating and difficult to understand.

  “Why?” Lydia asked again. While she waited for an explanation, her body trembled with a mixture of nerves and anger. She’d been raised to never question her parents, but she couldn’t stop herself from pushing the issue. She knew the repercussions of her disrespect could be devastating, but she didn’t care. All she wanted was to be a normal part of the youth group tonight, instead of feeling like an indentured servant.

  Looking up, he closed the Bible and removed his reading glasses from his face. “Lydia, I said no,” he repeated, his voice even but stern. “I don’t owe you an explanation. I’m your father, and you’ll do as I say without questioning me or there will be consequences.” He placed the glasses on his face and returned to the Bible as if nothing had happened.

  With a gasp, Lydia dropped into the sofa beside his chair. While she’d been grounded in the recent past, she hadn’t been spanked in years.

  “I don’t understand,” she said softly in an attempt to keep her voice from quaking. “I’ve done everything that’s expected of me, Dat. Why can’t I go?”

  Dat sighed and looked at her. The frustration in his eyes caused a shiver to slither up her spine. Her father rarely lost his temper, but when he did, his voice could rattle the walls. “Are you trying to upset me, Lydia? I’ve already told you I had a tough day and I’m exhausted.”

  She prayed her voice would be full of confidence and not the anxiety that surged through her. “I know, but I’m almost seventeen. I feel I have a right to know why you won’t let me go.”

  “You have a right?” He placed the Bible on the end table. “What does the Bible teach us about honoring our parents, Lydia? Are you aware of the Ten Commandments? Wh
at does the Ordnung say about obeying your parents? Are you above all those rules? Or are you English now that you have an English freind?”

  Lydia felt like she’d been slapped. “No, I’m not English. Ya, I know I must obey, but I — I mean — I just …”

  “I said no, and that’s the end of it.” He shook his head and disappointment simmered in his eyes. “What’s gotten into you? You know what we’re dealing with here. This haus is under a lot of pressure, and I’m struggling to keep it all together without your mamm.” His voice rose and vibrated with anger. “I can’t believe you would be this selfish to think of yourself and your social life during a time like this. I thought you were more mature than that.”

  “I am mature,” she said, sitting up taller on the sofa. “I’m working and giving you my entire paychecks to help pay the household bills.”

  “That’s what families do,” he retorted. “We take care of each other. It’s your duty. You’re to think of your family first, Lydia.”

  “I know that, Dat. You know I’ve always thought of the family first.” She shook her head as hurt bubbled through her. Didn’t he know how much she cared about the family? Didn’t he see all she was sacrificing for the family? “How can you call me selfish? I’m almost seventeen! I want to be with my freinden too. I’m going to become an old maid if I stay home and miss these years. Is that what you want for me?”

  He gave a sarcastic snort. “You think if you’re forced to miss a few youth gatherings you’ll be sentenced to a life as an old maid?”

  She stood. “I can’t believe you insulted me and then you laughed at me.” She started for the stairs.

  “Lydia!” he bellowed.

  She faced him and swiped away impatient tears.

  “You are to go to your room for the rest of the night,” he said. “I’m very disappointed in you.”

  “And I’m disappointed in you,” she said softly. “I miss Mamm too. She would’ve let me go. She would understand. I’ve done all that you’ve asked of me since she left. This isn’t fair.”