Healed

by J. S. Cooper

  “How did she die?”

  “She was in a car accident.” His eyes were cold as he responded to me. I guess, when we were alone he didn’t have to put up a pretense.

  “She died from a car accident.”

  “She wasn’t in her car. Someone hit her as she was getting into the car. They lost control.”

  “I see.” I didn’t see. What sort of senseless driver could do that?

  “They were texting,” he sighed. “They took their eyes off the road to text and, when they realized they were about to hit the car in front of them, they swerved and hit your mom.”

  “So they took a life to avoid a fender bender,” I said, bitterly.

  “I’m going to work on passing a no texting while driving law.”

  “So you’re already thinking of the job again?”

  “Bryce, please. We can’t continue like this. Your mom wouldn’t want that.”

  “You don’t know what she would have wanted.” I walked away from him and back to the lobby. I wanted to go to Harpers creek. In fact, I needed to go to Harpers creek. I needed to be alone. I needed to punch the ground and to scream. I needed to think.

  “Do you really think your whore of a girlfriend is going to be there for you more than me, Bryce?” My father caught up with me and I turned around and right hooked him.

  “You shut up, you son of a bitch.” I hit him again. “You fucking prick; it should have been you in there.”

  “Bryce, Bryce, he’s not worth it.” Lexi’s voice distracted me from hitting my dad again and he backed away from me as she ran up to me.

  “He’s an asshole, Lexi.” I looked at her with wild eyes. “My mom is dead because of him.”

  “I didn’t kill your mom, Bryce.”

  “You pretty much did,” I shouted, suddenly overwhelmingly tired.

  “Come on, Bryce.” Lexi took my arm and led me to the side of the room. “It’s going to be okay.”

  “It’s my fault, Lexi,” I burst out, looking at her caring face. “It’s because I’m evil. Everyone dies around me.”

  “No, Bryce, you can’t think that.”

  “Eddie died, Simon died, now my mom.”

  “You aren’t responsible for anyone else’s death, Bryce.” She reached over and looked in my eyes. “You’re a good guy, Bryce.”

  “I slept with Anna.” The words spurted out of my mouth without control and I cringed at the look of shock on Lexi’s face. But I still continued, “the night of the party I slept with Anna. I was fucked up on alcohol and pills; I didn’t know it was her. But I didn’t stop it. I fucked up, Lexi. And now, now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it right. I don’t want to lose you. I love you, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep it in. I can’t pretend everything is okay. I love you. I want to be with you. But I’m not a good guy. I’m just not a good guy. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep being punished. I don’t want anyone else to die.”

  I know I should given her the chance to respond to what I’d just said, but I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I just wanted to drown in my sorrows. I just wanted to get away. I ran back to my dad to ask him for the car keys. I’m surprised when he gives them to me right away. I looked back at Lexi and her big, brown eyes are still wide with shock. I wanted to tell her I loved her and beg for her forgiveness, but I know that I don’t deserve it. Instead, I run out of the hospital and to the car. “It’s going to be okay.” I heard my mother’s voice whispering in my ear as I drived and I cried, silently. Nothing is ever going to be okay again, I thought to myself.

  Chapter 3

  Lexi

  I tried to avoid Luke’s gaze as he walked up to me. I didn’t want to see the “I told you so,” in his eyes. I felt cold inside. I was in shock. How could Bryce have slept with Anna and, more importantly, how could Anna have slept with Bryce? She was meant to be my best friend. She was my oldest friend. She knew my secrets. She knew how much Bryce meant to me—how much he had always meant to me. I can remember the first time I ever told Anna about my crush on Bryce.

  We had gone to our first high school football game as freshmen and we had played a game called If not him, then who? We basically chose a famous actor and said if we couldn’t date him, we would pick and then choose a guy from the football team. We couldn’t really see what the guys looked like in their uniforms, but we had been lucky to have gone to Jonesville High (where football reigned supreme) because the school created a leaflet with all the players’ photographs on it.

  “Okay, if not Matt Damon, then who?” Anna had giggled at me as we sat huddled together in the bleachers, ignoring the game.

  “Oh, it will be hard to match up to Matt Damon.” I had surveyed the leaflet and had immediately been struck by the confident and handsome gaze of Bryce Evans. “Him.”

  “Ooh, he’s cute.”

  “He’ll be my pick every time,” I laughed. “He could be an actor. He’s hot.”

  “I think this Eddie guy is cuter,” she had laughed and pointed to a skinny looking guy.

  “No way.” I stared out onto the field to see if I could see my new crush and, as luck would have it, he had scored the winning touchdown at that moment. “Touchdown for number 34, Bryce Evans.” The announcer had screamed through the speakers. “Jonesville High is riding high, folks.”

  Anna and I had grinned at each other and she had cocked her head. “I bet you’re his good luck charm.”

  “Yeah right.” I had rolled my eyes but felt a warm glow inside. Maybe she was right. He had scored the winning touchdown after I had chosen him as my favorite and been looking for him on the field.

  “Wouldn’t it be great if we could date Bryce and Eddie, Lexi?”

  “Yeah. It would be.” We both sighed and walked to the parking lot, so we could wait for Anna’s dad to pick us up.

  “Lexi, are you okay. Lexi?” Luke’s voice interrupted my reverie and I felt him poking my arm.

  “Sorry what?” I looked up at him in confusion.

  “I said, are you okay?” The concern in his eyes took me back and I blinked.

  “Yeah. I was just thinking.”

  “He’s not worth it you know, Lexi.” His voice was low and agitated. “He’s always going to be the bad guy that hurts you. You deserve better than that.”

  “You don’t know him like I do, Luke.” I sighed, too overwrought to have this conversation now. “You don’t know what he’s been through.”

  “We’ve all been through stuff, Lexi.” His voice sounded angry.

  “I know.” I stared at the top of his head. His hair needed cutting. Maybe I could convince him to give me a shot at playing barber again.

  “Lexi, you deserve better than him.”

  “Luke, I don’t want to talk about this now.”

  “But I do, Lexi.” His voice was insistent. “Look at me, please.”

  I slowly looked into his eyes and his eyes seemed to want to tell me a message. A message I didn’t want to hear. A message I didn’t want to see. I was too confused. Too hurt. Too wounded.

  “I love you, Lexi.” He grasped my hands and pulled me towards him. “I love you so much, Lexi and I can’t stand to just watch you get hurt. I can’t stand to see your heart torn to pieces over some guy who doesn’t care two shits about you.”

  “Luke,” I began, weakly; my brain was scrambling for something to say.

  “Lexi. Can’t you see that we’re meant to be together?” He grabbed my hand and placed it over his chest. “Can’t you feel the beating of my heart? A heart that exists just to love and be loved by you.”

  “Luke, please.” I cried and pulled away. I just can’t deal with this right now.

  “Why can’t you answer me, Lexi?”

  “Anna wants to date you. I can’t,” I whispered.

  “Anna just slept with your boyfriend, Lexi.”

  “No.” My breath catches and I close my eyes. “She can’t have.”

  “Bryce told you himself.”<
br />
  “Why would she do that to me?”

  “I don’t know, Lexi.”

  “I’m her best friend.” I looked at him wildly. “I drive her to work every day.”

  “People do funny things, Lexi.”

  “She knows how I feel about him.”

  “What about me, Lexi?”

  “I can’t do this right now, Luke. I’m too confused. Please.”

  “You’re never ready, Lexi.” He sighed. “Do you want a ride home?”

  “Please.” I looked down, embarrassed.

  “Come. I’m parked around the corner.”

  We walked in silence to his car. I felt ashamed of myself. I didn’t know what to say, what to feel. Luke had been my best friend for years, yet I felt so distant from him. So alone. I have no one now I thought to myself. I still couldn’t believe Anna had done this to me. How could she have done this to me? I felt a fire in my belly, a tingling pain of betrayal. But, as Luke drove me home, I also felt confusion. He loved me? A part of me was overwhelmed and exalted at the news. But everything was so complicated. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know how to act. Bryce needed me. He was the one for me. He was my soul mate. And soul mates stuck together through thick and thin. I knew how much he had been through. I couldn’t leave him now. He would have no one. I couldn’t leave him with no one.

  “I suppose you’re not going to answer me.” Luke spoke right before we pulled up to our street. “I suppose you want me to pretend that this conversation never happened.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Luke.” I looked at him and sighed. “I’m just really confused.”

  He laughed, a deep, rough guttural sound and I looked at him with sorrow. I wished he hadn’t told me how he felt. I wished he had kept it to himself.

  “I’m sorry, Luke.”

  “Don’t be sorry.” He parked the car and looked at me. “Did you know that I’m an albatross, Lexi?”

  “Sorry what?” I frowned confused. Had Luke lost it?

  “One day you’ll understand.” He smiled at me, sweetly and took my hand. “You will always be my best friend, Lexi and I am always here for you. Please remember that.”

  “I’ll call you.” I got out of the car with tears in my eyes. The words didn’t seem adequate for the emotions running through me. They didn’t adequately impart everything I wanted him to know. I wanted him to know that he was a part of my heart. That when I had thought he was dead, I had wanted to die as well. But I couldn’t say those words. I didn’t want to give him false hope. Not when Bryce was still in my life. Bryce was the one I had been waiting a lifetime for. Love didn’t always come easy, but I had prayed for this opportunity. He was the one. I had always believed he was the one.

  I didn’t look back at the car as I opened my front door. I didn’t want to see Luke watching me. I didn’t want to feel even guiltier than I currently did. I didn’t think I could survive more pain and sorrow in my heart right now. I was too tired. So very tired.

  “Lexi, is that you?” My mom came down the stairs with a frown on her face. “Where have you been?”

  “I was at the hospital, mom.”

  “Oh, okay. Did you want to go to get something to eat?”

  “Not really.” Thanks for asking if everything is okay, I thought to myself.

  “Shall we order in a pizza then, instead?”

  “I’m not hungry, mom.”

  “Maybe we can ask your young man Luke to come over as well.”

  “How many times do I have to tell you? Luke and I are not dating, mom!” I screamed as I ran past her on the stairs.

  “There’s no need for your attitude, young lady.”

  “Shut the fuck up.” I whispered, under my breath.

  “What did you say to me, Lexi?” She chased me up the stairs. “Do you know how much I have sacrificed for you?” she screamed at me and I crouched back, scared she was going to hit me. “You are such an ungrateful cow, I gave up my whole life for you.”

  “I just want to go to my room, mom.” I knew better than to respond to her words. I had learnt that a long time ago. “Can I just go to my room?”

  “Go to your room. I’m going out.” She turned away from me and I ran into my room and locked the door. I tried to control my breathing by rubbing my head. I have a splitting headache and I know that I should take a tablet. I walked to my door slowly and open it one inch at a time so as not to alert my mother. I tiptoed to the bathroom and paused as I heard the almost silent sobs of my mother coming from her room. I’m rendered immobile for a minute, feeling my heartbreak once again.

  I wanted to go to her and hold her. But I knew from previous experience that, if I were to do that, she would soon turn on me. Her emotions were as temperamental as the weather and I knew that the smartest thing to do was to stay well away from her when she was in one of her moods. She went from happy to angry faster than a cheetah chasing its prey.

  I walked quickly and grabbed the Motrin that was in the cupboard and scrambled back to my room. I could see the light on in Luke’s room as I opened my door and I wanted, more than anything, to be able to shout out to him and ask him to come over.

  “It’s just you now, Lexi.” I looked at myself in the mirror and frowned. I didn’t want to be this person anymore. Hiding in my room. Feeling sorry for myself. Allowing the misery of others to dictate my life. What had I done that was so wrong? Absolutely nothing. I pulled out my phone and contemplated calling Bryce to make sure he was okay, but there was one phone call I had to make that was even more important.

  “Lexi, hey.” Anna sounded cheerful as she picked up the phone.

  “Hey.”

  “You don’t know how happy I am to hear Luke is okay.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “What’s wrong, Lexi?” Anna sounded unsure of herself. “You sound funny.”

  “Did you sleep with Bryce?”

  “Wait, what?” I hard her gasp and I knew in that second that it was true. There was a part of me that had hoped that Bryce was lying. And that he was even more twisted in the head than I had thought. I wanted to believe he was sicker than Anna.

  “How could you, Anna?” My voice was low, and I allowed the hurt to come through.

  “I didn’t mean to, Lexi,” she whispered.

  “You have known how long I’ve loved Bryce. How long I have waited for this moment.”

  “I just…”

  “Why did you choose this moment to be the worst best friend ever?” I cried out, angry and hurt. “How could you, Anna?”

  “It wasn’t just me, Lexi. He slept with me, too.”

  “Yeah, after you drugged him,” I spat out.

  “I didn’t drug him,” she cried out. “We made love, Lexi. Bryce and I made love. I didn’t make him do anything.”

  “Sex isn’t love, Anna.” I was deliberately cruel. “Just because you were a slut doesn’t mean he loves you. He loves me. He wants to be with me.”

  “Who doesn’t want to?”

  “What?” My voice rose. “Is this because Luke told me he loves me? Are you that jealous of me?”

  “Luke loves you?” I heard a sharp intake of breath and, for a moment, I felt a shred of sympathy for her.

  “I can’t believe you did this to me, Anna. How could you?”

  “You’ve never been here for me, Lexi. Do you realize that? I’m always here for you. Always listening. Always sympathizing. Always there, in the background for you to talk to. But are you ever there for me?”

  “What are you talking about, Anna? I have been here for you our whole lives.”

  “No you haven’t!” she screamed. “When Eddie died, did you ask me if I was okay?”

  “Anna, why would I ask you that?” I frowned into the phone.

  “I know he tried to rape you, Lexi and I hate him for that. But I loved him. I was trying to help him.”

  “What are you talking about, Anna? You barely knew him.” And then I remembered our game again. I had chosen Bryce and she
had chosen Eddie. I thought back to our sophomore year, when Anna had first decided to volunteer at the pound, she had done so because Eddie had been doing community service there. And when she had dragged me to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I hadn’t minded because Bryce had been there, it hadn’t even crossed my mind that Eddie would have been there as well. “Why didn’t you tell me, Anna?” I whispered into the phone in shock. “You were in love with Eddie, weren’t you?”

  “Can you believe you’re supposed to be my best friend and you never knew?”

  “You never told me, Anna.”

  “I tried to tell you all the time, Lexi. But you don’t care. You only ever seem to care about yourself and what’s going on in your life.”

  “That’s not true, Anna.” I bit my lip. “You’re my best friend. I’m always here for you.”

  “No. No you aren’t.” Her voice went silent and we sat on the phone just listening to the silence. “Do you remember when I got the job as a tutor? I told you how excited I was because I thought it would give me a chance to get to know Eddie better.”

  “Not really,” I sighed, not recalling the conversation.

  “But then you told me you were trying to establish a relationship with your dad. And I knew how important that was for you, so I didn’t mind that you had changed the subject on me, even though I had been trying to talk to you about Eddie.”

  I sat on the bed, my head still pounding, even though I had taken the headache tablets. “I don’t remember, Anna.”

  “And then, a couple of months later, Eddie and I went to lunch together. He wanted to thank me for helping him get an A and I was so excited and I called you to get some help picking an outfit.”

  “You and Eddie went to lunch together?”

  “You told me you were too busy to talk, because your mom was having one of her episodes. You told me you would call me back. But you never did. And I called you back that evening and your mom said you were having a sleepover at Luke’s.”

  “I’m sorry I forgot to call.”

  “It’s not just that, Lexi. Do you know how many times you’ve invited me to a sleepover at Luke’s?”