Sissy

by Madelyn Bennett Edwards

  "Then what's the sadness about?" Marianne stared at me the way she always did, which made me feel important and equal, even though I was so much younger and a whole lot less experienced.

  "Something's wrong. I can't put my finger on it, but I'm sure James is in trouble." I looked down at the table, feeling confused. "And Daddy, I'm not sure what's going on with him. Maybe he's trying to protect James, but I'm afraid for him, too."

  "Couldn't happen to a more deserving man," Marianne pushed her chair back from the table and went to the sink to rinse her coffee cup. The abrupt change in her demeanor caught me off-guard, and I let out a gasp, almost a choke.

  "Sissy, are you okay?" Susie moved her chair closer to me and put her arm over my shoulder.

  "I understand why you and Marianne don't like Daddy, but if something happens to him, it will be hard for me. I mean, I love my Daddy; you know how close we are." I stared at Susie for a second.

  "I'm sorry, Sissy," Marianne was leaning against the counter across the room. "I don't mean to be insensitive."

  "I'm sorry, too, Mari." I looked at her over Susie's shoulder. "I'm sorry he wasn't a Dad to you. I'm sorry he was an awful Dad to you, Susie." I looked at Susie and tried to grin. "But it was different for me. I was always Daddy's little girl. He made me feel loved, safe, protected."

  The room was as silent as a church during Communion. I could hear the drip-drip of the faucet in the sink and my breaths coming out in short, jagged spurts of air.

  Then I told my sisters that I'd thought I was in love with Luke. "But I don't feel like anyone could love me after what happened." I paused and looked down at my hands in my lap. "And I'm not sure I can really love anyone, either."

  "You need to get some counseling, Sissy." Susie squeezed my shoulder.

  "I know. I'm going to find a counselor in Baton Rouge, now that the trial is over."

  "Sissy, don't let what happened to you stop you from living, the way it did me." Marianne looked me in the eye. "I lost twenty years of my life to harboring hatred for the guys who attacked me. I didn't know how to grieve and get past it. That incident was so life-changing that I quantified my life in terms of before the rape and after the rape. I thought that if I could go back to before, maybe I could be happy again. Don't do that to yourself. You can't undo what happened, you can't go back.”

  Marianne took a deep breath and walked over to the table. She put her hands on my shoulders. "Move forward. Your life will be different, but it doesn't have to be bad. Don't suffer for something you had no choice in." Mari had tears in her eyes.

  I stared at her and thought about her words. "I know you're right, Mari. Maybe counseling will help." I thought about how, since my assault, I had been unable to even kiss Luke, and had still not told him how I felt about him. In fact, I didn't feel anything, except when I thought I might lose him. Then I panicked. That was as close as I could come to feeling love.

  "What you said about James and Daddy being in some kind of trouble. What did you mean?" Susie's voice cut through the silence and brought me back to the present.

  "I'm not sure. Why didn't they want anyone to know that Thevenot and Rousseau shot Rodney?"

  "Why do you think that?" Susie looked confused.

  "Just a feekung, It's baffling." I folded my arms on the table and put my forehead on top.

  "I could probably guess why." Susie rubbed my back. "Daddy probably put those two no-accounts up to shooting Rodney and me."

  I sat up with a jerk. "Daddy? He'd never hurt you."

  "Oh, no?" Susie took her hand away from me and scooted back in her chair. "Have you forgotten how often he beat me when I was growing up. Have you forgotten that he tried to have Rodney killed ten years ago?"

  "I guess I'm slow, or ADD, but I just can't wrap my brain around the Daddy I know doing anything violent." I felt my mind retreating from the kitchen to my happy place: a beach with waves rolling in, sunshine all around, the smell of suntan oil and salt hanging in the air. I could hear Susie and Marianne talking, but even though they were right next to me, their voices sounded like far away murmurs.

  *

  On Thursday and Friday, I went with Susie, Rodney, and Lilly to look at houses in New Orleans. Their realtor showed them several beauties, and on Friday they decided on a two-story stone house in Audubon Place, an exclusive, gated, neighborhood off St. Charles Avenue, near Tulane and Loyola Universities. Marianne and Dr. Warner were at the house on Jules Avenue for dinner that evening, and we kept things light and festive, celebrating their engagement and teasing them about how they looked at each other with goo-goo eyes. They said they were going to live in Warner's house for about a year, then they might try to find a home near Susie and Rodney's new place.

  That night, Lilly and I stayed up and talked for a long time, facing each other in the twin beds in her room. I told her I was going to Baton Rouge for the weekend and asked if she'd like to come with me so she could see Bobby.

  "I think Bobby has a new girlfriend." She didn't sound like it was the end of the world for her.

  "What makes you think that?"

  "He's been 'busy' the past few weekends, and he hardly calls me anymore." She turned on her back, put her hands behind her head, and stared at the ceiling.

  "How does that make you feel?"

  "Sad, I guess, but I'll get over him. It's been a hard year. I'm just glad to have Susie and Dad back." She was quiet for a while, then said, "I'm going to transfer to Tulane in the fall so I can live at home with them. I want to focus on making good grades and get into medical school in three years."

  I went to sit on the side of her bed. "I thought you two were in love." I rubbed her arm and patted her cheek.

  "We don't know what love is. I'm not ready for sex, and Bobby is. I think he equates love with sex; I don't agree." She seemed resigned and unaffected by the breakup, but I knew there would be a huge hole in her life where Bobby had existed, and she would be lonely until she filled that hole with other relationships. We talked into the early morning hours, then I got back in my bed, eyes wide opened.

  The next morning, I told Susie I needed to be in Jean Ville in case something happened to James and Daddy.

  "Sissy, let whatever is going to happen, happen. Don't get involved. I don't want to see you hurt."

  "I need to take care of the furniture at the house and apartment on Gravier Road and get a realtor to list it for you. I'll be too busy to obsess about it."

  *

  I got to Baton Rouge late Saturday morning and called Luke. He didn't answer at his house, so I called the AG's office and dialed 3-2-3. He answered and said he'd be working all weekend, but he wanted me to come by his office that afternoon.

  I pushed the beige button on the wall next to the entrance door of the AG's building at about four o'clock, and Luke came right away. He took my hand and led me to a small conference room.

  "A bunch of guys are in my office." He kissed me and smiled. "I don't want to share you. What are you doing in Baton Rouge today?"

  "I just wanted to see you, even if it's for a minute. If you're too busy to see me tonight, I think I'll go on to Jean Ville."

  "That's not a good idea. You should have stayed in New Orleans." He pulled out a chair for me, and I sat in it.

  "I have things to do. Susie wants to put the house on Gravier up for sale. I need to get a listing agent and arrange to have furniture moved to my house on Lee Circle and to Susie's in New Orleans.

  "So are you going to move away from Jean Ville permanently?"

  "Yes. I'm leaving Jean Ville. Everyone's leaving Jean Ville: Susie, Rodney, Marianne, Lilly." I looked up at him. He sat on the edge of the table in front of me. I thought about James, that maybe he'd be going off to jail. "There might be others leaving Jean Ville, too."

  "I'm sorry, Sissy."

  "I'm not. It's time for me to move on, cut ties, grow up." I told him I was going to live in Baton Rouge, even though Lilly would be stay
ing in New Orleans. "I need to be on my own, not depend on Susie and Rodney to replace my parents. "I'm going to get a counselor, and I'm going back to school. That's another reason why I'm in Baton Rouge to register for the fall semester at LSU."

  "This makes me happy. I'll have you close."

  "Do you want me near you?"

  "How can you ask me that? You know how I feel." He took both my hands and bent to kiss me.

  "I don't know when, or if, I'll be able to give you what you need from me."

  "I have lots of time. I'm a patient man, and you are worth waiting for." He pulled me to my feet and wrapped his long arms around me. It was like being bound up by an octopus, but it made me feel warm and safe.

  We had dinner at my house that night, and Luke stayed over in the guest room. He worked Sunday and came back to be my bodyguard again that night. I registered at LSU on Monday, declaring myself a music major. Luke gave me a list of counselors that the state employees used, and I called to make an appointment with a lady named Rebecca Flynn for the following week. I felt I was gaining a little control of my life.

  *

  When I got to my garage apartment in Jean Ville, I felt panicky, like the walls had ears, and even my exhales bounced off them and settled above me like a cloud. I knew I couldn't stay there alone. In fact, I didn't think I could ever stay in that apartment alone again.

  I packed an overnight bag and went to see Tootsie in the Quarters. She told me I could stay in Marianne's cabin, which was still empty because Tootsie continued to believe that Marianne would come home once Susie didn't need her anymore. Little did she know that Donato Warner had a much tighter hold on Marianne than did Susie.

  I settled into the little cabin and went to sit with Tootsie on her porch next door. She didn't ask questions, and I didn't offer an explanation, but she told me I could stay all week if I wanted to.

  I went home Wednesday morning to wash my clothes and pack some extra things since I planned to stay in the Quarters all week. If nothing happened by the end of the day Friday, I would drive to Baton Rouge for the weekend, where I could relax and, hopefully, spend time with Luke.

  I threw my keys on the kitchen counter and noticed the red light blinking on the answering machine I had purchased in March. People rarely left messages because home answering machines were a rarity in Jean Ville. They didn't become affordable until recently with the restructuring of AT&T, so they were not widely used, and most people were afraid to talk to a machine. I found it funny that Jean Ville was so slow to catch on with the rest of the world. Another reason to leave.

  I pressed the 'Play' button, and Dr. David Switzer's booming voice came through the speaker.

  "Sissy, this is Doctor David." He paused and said, 'uhm' a few times. "Look, give me a call. I'd like for you to come over to the hospital to have lunch with me today, if you can." He hung up, and I tried to figure out when he'd called. My machine didn't have the feature that told the day and time, and he didn't say.

  After Dr. David's message, there was one from Luke: "Sissy, I don't know where you are. I'm worried. Please call me." He breathed into the receiver for a long time as though he hoped I'd pick up. I guess I should have told him I would be staying in the Quarters.

  I called Luke back right away. When the robot answered, I dialed 3-2-3, and he picked up.

  "It's me. Sorry I worried you."

  "Where have you been?" He sounded out of breath.

  "I'm staying in the Quarters with Tootsie this week. I didn't want to be alone in my apartment."

  "Why don't you come back to Baton Rouge?"

  "When?"

  "Well, can you leave soon? I think Robert wants to meet with you."

  "Robert wants to see me?" I felt disappointed that Luke didn't want me with him.

  "Well, I do, too."

  "I'll come tomorrow, okay? I need to wash some clothes and tie up some loose ends." I started to click off in my head the things I needed to do: Call Dr. David, wash clothes, clean apartment, put stickers on the furniture that would be delivered to Baton Rouge, call the realtor to tell her I'd be gone for a few days. The list was long, and I had to dis-attach myself from it so I could concentrate on what Luke was saying.

  "Tomorrow will be fine. Come to the AG's office, okay. Maybe about four o'clock?"

  "Sure. Okay." I took a breath. "Luke?"

  "Yes."

  "This sounds official." I felt my cheeks getting red. "Is there something you need to tell me, so I'll be prepared."

  "Not really." He paused, and I heard him swallow. "You want to have dinner with me tomorrow night?"

  "Sure. But, Luke?" I thought about that empty house in Baton Rouge because Lilly, Susie, and everyone else was in New Orleans. "I'll need a bodyguard if I'm going to stay in that house alone."

  "I think I know someone who will volunteer. See you tomorrow." When he hung up, I had a feeling of dread, but I wasn't sure why. Was he going to break up with me? Again?

  I put a load of clothes in the washer and took a long shower. Once I was dressed, and the clothes were in the dryer, I remembered I needed to return Dr. David's call.

  "Dr. Switzer's office," It was Miss Mamie, Dr. David's long-time receptionist, secretary, Girl Friday and, sometimes, nurse.

  "Hi, Miss Mamie." I tried to sound chipper and upbeat. "It's Sissy Burton. I think Dr. Switzer has been trying to reach me."

  "Oh, yes, Sissy, he's had me call your phone number every hour since Monday afternoon. He even had me call your dad to see if he knew where you were." She took a breath that sounded like relief. "I'll get him. You hold on, now."

  "Sissy!" Dr. David's voice came barreling through my receiver, and I had to hold it away from my ear. "There you are. I've been looking for you."

  "Hi, Dr. David. Sorry, I haven't been staying at my apartment. I don't like being here alone at night… ever since… well, you know." I hoped I still sounded upbeat.

  "Yes, well, I'm sorry about that. You should feel safe in your own place." He took a breath and started to say something, thought better of it, then started again. "Listen. Can you come over to the hospital and we'll have lunch. Free sandwiches and sodas, you know." He laughed at himself.

  "Sure. I can come. What time?"

  "How about now? Let's say we meet in the doctors’ lounge in about fifteen minutes. You remember where it is?"

  "Yes, sir. I'm almost on my way." I couldn't remember Dr. David ever calling me, much less looking for me for a couple of days. I checked on my clothes, but they weren't dry, so I left them tumbling, grabbed my purse and car keys, and drove downtown to Jean Ville Hospital.

  It was only about a five or six-minute drive, but by the time I parked, used the memorized code—4863—to enter through the back door and made my way to the doctors' lounge, I was a few minutes late. Dr. Switzer was sitting at the table we'd shared a year before, eating a sandwich and chugging a Coca Cola. I put my purse and keys on the table, kissed him on the cheek, and helped myself to half of a turkey sandwich and a Sprite.

  We ate in silence for a few minutes, and when he finished his last sandwich, he wiped his mouth and put his hands on the table.

  "I'm thinking we should walk over to Judge DeYoung's office." He looked over my head as though watching someone out the window behind me, and I wondered if he was trying to act casual for some reason.

  "Now?" I swallowed the bite I'd just chewed and drank some Sprite to wash it down.

  "Well, when you've finished eating." He got up and put his paper plate and soda cans in the trash and came back to the table. He stood behind his chair, impatient for me to finish so we could get going. I got up, dumped the rest of my lunch in the trash, grabbed my purse, and followed him out of the front door of the hospital. We retraced our steps from the previous summer, and I raced to keep up with him, again, dragging my purse behind me and counting the thirty-one cracks in the sidewalk before we turned toward the courthouse, then another twenty-two cracks to the conc
rete steps—ten, then a landing, then another ten.

  He took the stairs two and a time, and I struggled to get my short legs to take the twenty outside steps and twenty inside stairs one at a time without putting both feet on each one. When we got to the judge's chambers, I was out of breath. Dr. David had already buzzed us in and was holding the door open for me. Judge DeYoung stood in the doorway to his inner office and his secretary, Lydia, was typing on her typewriter with earphones in her ears. She nodded at us, and the judge ushered us into his office and closed the door. It must have been soundproofed because I couldn't hear Lydia's typewriter once the door was closed.

  "I'm glad you could come." The judge pointed to the two chairs in front of his desk. "Have a seat."

  "Ed, I'm just going to sit here and listen while you tell Sissy what's going on." Dr. David turned his attention from the judge to me. "I'm here for you, Sissy. Consider me family… if you need me. Well, you know what I mean."

  I was confused as to why I was there, but I sat on the edge of my seat and listened to Judge DeYoung. He spoke directly to me, almost in a fatherly tone, with his eyes fixed on mine. I was afraid to blink, much less look away.

  "Sissy, I had to sign a warrant yesterday—to arrest someone close to you." He looked at Dr. Switzer and back at me. I had the distinct feeling that Dr. David nodded at the judge to continue, but I didn't shift my eyes and DeYoung immediately reestablished the magnetic field between our lines of vision.

  "In order for me to sign a warrant, police officers, in this case, state investigators with the CID and a number of state troopers, have to present evidence to me that is compelling. In fact, I have to be very convinced a person has committed a crime worth being arrested for, before I sign a warrant. Once I sign a warrant, the person is asked to turn himself in at the parish jail, or the commander dispatches a police unit to find him and bring him in."

  He paused and asked whether I understood, and I nodded.

  "What does this have to do with me?" I could hear the fear in my voice, and I tightened my clench on the arms of the chair.