by Nicola Lowe
We headed to a nearby park and settled under an old tree, eating in the shade of its large branches. Everything tasted amazing and fresh, and I couldn’t help but equate it to the new experiences I was devouring.
“These pastries are so good,” I said as I wiped flaky pastry crumbs from my top and smiled.
“You said you love to bake?”
“Yeah, but I don’t have a knack like this for pastry,” I replied, wiping a crumb from Zack’s cheek. “I’m awesome at brownies, blondies, cupcakes, birthday cakes, the more traditional stuff.”
“Do you just do it for fun?”
“Yes. It could be a business I suppose but I don’t have a big enough kitchen and it’d take a lot of time to set up. Maybe one day. For now, I’m happy being chief office baker, and sorting out everyone’s birthdays,” I replied. “Oh, I should’ve made you something. Next time?” A red flush swept up my face as I heard my words. ”I mean, if you want there to be a next time, I wasn’t assuming-”
“Lily,” he smiled and ran his finger over my lips again. “Please relax, honestly. You don’t have to worry or apologise every time you say something. Unless in the next hour you try to mug me or snog my flatmate, I’m pretty sure I want there to be a next time. Especially if it involves brownies.”
“Thank you,” I said. “It’s just nerves. Can I ask though, what does your flatmate look like? Am I likely to want to snog him?” I bit my lip, hoping he could sense the joke.
Zack leaned in close. “You’d better not, I’d rather you mugged me.” Another sensuous kiss landed on my lips and we forgot everything else for a few minutes as that deliciousness enveloped me once again.
Zack looked content as he drank more coffee. “You seem like you live in the now,” he said. “It’s refreshing, so many people obsess about the future and their master plan where they have to achieve certain milestones by a certain age.”
“I guess I realised a while ago now, that it’s the simple things that make me happy, so I concentrate on those and everything else just happens when it’s meant to happen.”
Zack placed his hand on my knee. “You are literally the loveliest person I ever met,” he said, staying close. “While you were waiting for the coffee, I got something too. I figured as you had about twelve bottles in your fridge that you were a fan.” He pulled two mini prosecco bottles out of the bag with a cheeky smile.
“Nice, what are you having?” I teased as I took a bottle.
We sat together, leaning against the tree, drinking cold prosecco straight from the bottle. The warm spring breeze washed over us as the fizz from the bubbles added to the excitement in my stomach. For once my world felt serene, in a way it hadn’t for a while now.
I rested my head on Zack’s shoulder and he kissed the top of my head once again. “Can I ask a question? I don’t want to sound stupid though.” I said quietly.
“Yes, and I wouldn’t ever think you were stupid.”
“So, I guess you’ve dated a lot, this is all new to me. Is it always like this? This feels so natural, and I thought it would be all awkward and weird.” I admitted.
Zack looked thoughtful as he spoke. “Trying to think of a good way to word it, but no, it’s never like this. Never for me before at least. I haven’t been trawling dating sites for years by the way, but when I have been on dates, they’ve not been great. Girls that either lied about their age or are nothing like they made out. Or you get people that are after someone with money, or often just want sex. I never found the prospect of sleeping with a girl who is working their way through the internet that appealing myself. Sometimes there have been second dates, but there never seemed to be the right connection. I’ve never been in a relationship with a girl from a dating site, when I have been in a relationship it was after we met in person and got to know each other the normal way.” he laced his fingers into mine and rested our hands together, on his knee. “So basically no, it doesn’t normally feel anything like this. This is something else entirely…”
“I just wondered,” I said. My voice was quiet as I squeezed his hand a little tighter, trying to stop my mind from running away with me as I absorbed his words and what they could mean. Was he feeling this as much as I was?
We strolled back to Zack’s flat, holding hands and chatting about anything and everything. As he went to unlock the front door, it opened out and a tall, skinny man with a huge black beard and a mass of black curls escaping from a ponytail stepped outside. There seemed to more hair than man.
“You off out?” Zack asked him.
“Going shopping, you need anything?”
“No, all good thanks. This is Lily,” Zack smiled and raised our entwined hands up into the air. “Lily, this is Adam, the infamous hairy flat mate.” he then mouthed to me, “no snogging,” and smiled with a mischievous glance.
“Lovely to meet you,” Adam replied, his face breaking into a cheery smile. “I didn’t believe him when he told me the tale about the train either. I’ll leave you in peace, catch you later.” He waved as he headed away.
“Aww, have you been talking about our date?” I teased Zack as I followed him inside.
“As if. What was your name again?” He pressed a quick kiss to my lips. “This is the living room; the kitchen is through the archway there.” Turning, he pointed to two doors leading off the living room. “The left door is my bedroom; the right door is Adam’s – please never get them mixed up. Could be awkward.”
It wasn’t awful like he’d made out at all. It was just... obviously inhabited by men! The walls were cream, a large black leather couch dominated the room, sitting on top of a polished wooden floor. The main focal point of the room was a crazy big television surrounded by various games consoles, controllers, chargers and other gadgets. Zack had mentioned that Adam was a games designer. I guess he took research seriously judging by the amount of equipment he owned.
“You made out it was a total dump, but it’s nice,” I said. “It’s not full of stuff like mine is, you have as many games consoles as I have photographs.”
“I would blame Adam, but I don’t take much convincing to join in,” he watched me closely. “Want to come and see my room?”
I nodded, as he led me over and opened the door. The room had a large window on the adjacent wall, the bed underneath it was covered in soft looking, dark grey sheets. A large, double wardrobe took up another wall. His room was so neat. I walked to the wardrobe and ran my finger along the door.
“If I open this up, is a pile of stuff going to fall on me? Or is it always this tidy?” I grinned.
“Maybe not quite this tidy, but I can promise there won’t be an avalanche.”
Opening the double doors, I was pleasantly surprised at his organisation skills. There were more suits than I could count, with sections devoted to ties and waistcoats. Then there seemed to be a more casual side with jeans and tops. The bottom of the wardrobe had pull out shelves containing shoes, boots and belts. “I’m impressed,” I said. “This is a lot of suits, I like them.” The soft material felt nice under my fingertips.
“It’s work stuff, no dodgy skeletons in there.” Walking over to join me, he put his arms around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder. I turned to face him and slid my arms around him in return.
“I like it here, it’s nice.” I said.
“It’s nicer when you’re here,” he stepped towards the bed. “Come lie down with me?”
Part of me wanted to pick up where we left off yesterday, but I was worried it’d feel awkward. We lay down, facing each other like we had in my bed. Time moved in strange ways at the moment, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. “Does it seem weird to you that we only met for the first time last Saturday?” I asked.
Zack nodded. “It does. I don’t want to sound all cliché again and make you roll your eyes at me,” he laughed. “I feel like I’ve known you a lot, lot longer than a week.” Zack pressed his lips to mine, and I felt swept up by him all over again. “I have important
questions to ask you though, these could be deal breakers.” He leaned up on his elbow and tried to look serious. I raised an eyebrow at him as he began. “Marmite?”
“God no!” I replied instantly.
“Phew!” Zack smiled. “Ben and Jerry’s or Haagen Dazs?”
“Tough one. With you I think Haagen Dazs, its smoother. The chunky bits in Ben and Jerry’s could get messy.” I tried to look as innocent as possible.
“I like flirty Lily, I will add Haagen Dazs to the shopping list right away. Big spoon or little spoon in bed?” He feathered a quick kiss across my lips with his question.
“Little spoon, definitely,” I replied, wishing he would keep kissing me. “My turn now! Blondes or brunettes?”
“Brunettes every time.” Zack said.
“Sweet or savoury?”
“Sweet. I love sweet.”
“Hmm. What about if you had to choose between touching me with your mouth or touching me with your hands? If you could only use one?” I ran my fingers through that dark, chocolatey hair.
“Are we not considering any other body parts in this scenario?” Zack asked.
“Not at the moment we’re not.”
“Mouth then, definitely mouth.” Zack slid his hand into the back of my jeans and pulled me even closer. “It’s the big question now,” I couldn’t concentrate as I felt his hand on the skin of my lower back, pressing me to him. “You didn’t want to kiss Adam, did you?” he teased.
I laughed and kissed Zack’s neck in between my words. “Definitely… only thinking about… kissing… you.” As he rolled on top of me, his mouth hard on mine, I sank into the feeling, it drove me crazy. Our limbs entangled around each other, the weight of him on top of me… I was kicking myself for having had the ‘let’s go slow’ talk.
The front door banged open, we heard Adam putting shopping away, the kitchen cupboards slamming as he hummed to himself. We lay back down on our sides and giggled at the interruption.
“That was nice.” I smiled, watching for any reaction Zack might give.
Zack stretched his neck from side to side as he smiled at me. “I better work on my technique if the only word I’m getting is nice.”
“What words would you prefer?” I asked as I ran my finger up his side.
“Actually, I’d prefer to make you speechless,” he held himself up on his bent elbow, his mouth hovered over my ear whilst his fingers traced patterns along my stomach. My back arched towards him, willing him to either move up or down, but those fingers just circled and circled, my skin tense underneath them. “I would prefer to hear your breath in my ear, to notice how it catches and changes depending how I touch you. I could spend days working out which touches worked best.”
I strained to move my mouth to his, wanting to kiss him and carry this all on. “Slowly Lily, remember?” His voice teased me.
I wanted to take this further but as much as I was beginning to admit to myself how besotted I was with Zack, I still felt scared to make that jump, he was right to make me stick to my own rule. There had undoubtedly been a shift since yesterday. Our kisses were deeper, his hands gripped me firmer and wandered further all the time. After another public display of affection on the station platform, the train took me home. My mind was overflowing with what an incredible weekend it had been, and the fact I was missing Zack already.
Four
The next two weeks were exhilarating, filled with a sense that a new chapter of my life was taking off. Zack lived about an hour away, not quite long distance but it did require more planning. I found myself in a flurry of late-night video calls interspersed with dates whenever we could. A movie night snuggled together at mine. Cocktails at beautiful bars near his flat. Long lunches, coffee’s, walks, and every single minute of it he drew me closer into him. Workdays were full of messages and cute photographs, planning for when we could see each other next. After each date I’d replay the conversations, the physical touches, over and over in my mind, wanting to cement them there for eternity.
My trust issues and anxieties seemed to dissolve when I was with Zack. All the barriers and shields that had built up around me, just made way for him. He was still insistent we stick to the slow rule. We uncovered new elements of each other, causing me to be saturated with desire. Our bedtime video calls would undoubtedly get steamy, and so night after night my own hands and mind ran riot with fantasies about Zack. Fantasies where he was not a gentleman and slow wasn’t in his vocabulary, well, not in that way at least. I was desperate to feel his presence on me and it seemed like my body was always too hot.
Explaining all of this to Cassie over sandwiches on my lunchbreak, I struggled with my blushes.
“Lily,” she looked at me, a glimmer in her eye. “I know it’s been a while for you, but all of those signs are textbook you know?”
“Textbook what?” I asked, genuinely confused.
“Textbook falling in love you idiot!”
“What the… Cassie, I know you want to buy a hat and marry me off, but it’s been three weeks, I am not in love with him.” I exclaimed.
“No,” she said. “You’re in the process of falling in love, and that’s the best, most delicious, amazing bit, so you should enjoy every second of it.”
I took a half-hearted bite of my tuna sandwich to save responding. Cassie simply smiled, “No appetite? Textbook!”
“Shush!” I threw a crisp at her.
“How many times in say, an hour, do you think about him?” Cassie asked with a glint in her eye.
“Cassie,” I sighed. “You’re right, OK, you’re right. It’s too soon though and I’m majorly stressing. I think about him all the time, I can’t concentrate on anything. When I’m at home I look through my photographs of us all the bloody time. Every time he touches me, it’s as though all the breath is being sucked out of me. I get so many hot flushes I could be menopausal, and my poor heart is going to be worn out with the palpitations. Sometimes when he speaks to me, I stand there like an idiot because I can’t think of words, like I’m lost in his presence. I’m getting carried away and I don’t trust myself.”
Cassie put an arm around me and squeezed me towards her. “Have a little faith in yourself, stop overthinking and just let it be. It sounds pretty damn amazing to me. It’s a long time since I went through that, I’m ridiculously happy for you.”
“I don’t know if it’s the same for him though Cass.”
“Pretty sure it is!” she grinned as she reached for her phone.
“What do you mean? Have you spoken to him?” I frowned at her.
“He had my number from when I set up the coffee shop meet. I might’ve messaged him since…” Cassie chewed her lip and focused on her phone.
“What did you say to him? I can’t believe you did that!” I prayed she hadn’t said anything to humiliate me.
“It was after you had spent the whole weekend with him, pretty good going for a first date that by the way, ‘Mrs I Don’t Want A Boyfriend’! I just said thank you to him for meeting up, I know it was a bit weird the way I set it up. And that I was made up to see you couldn’t stop smiling.”
I frowned at her. “And he said?”
“Well, I don’t know if he’d want me to tell you.” I glared at her and she sighed before getting her phone out of her bag to read me the message. “He said, ‘I can’t stop smiling either. She’s amazing’.”
I smiled and bit my lip, thinking again how it was crazy, that this was all happening. The little voices telling me to not risk it, to not trust myself, were being driven away at speed.
“I sort of then suggested you two should come round for dinner one night.” Cassie pretended to watch the clouds, to save having to meet my eyes.
“Why would you do that?”
“Come on Lily, you know I always wanted to do the double dating thing. From a purely selfish point of view, what that arsehole did to you, it ruined all my plans! I wanted us to be each other’s bridesmaids, plan each other’s baby showers, ta
ke our toddlers to play group together. We ended up out of sync though.” She screwed her face up a little. “Sometimes feels like you and Luke get all the fun.”
“I’m not sure Luke thinks that way, sure he’s sick of being consulted on which handbag I should buy.” I smiled at my beautiful friend. “I didn’t know you felt like that Cassie. You know what, dinner at yours sounds perfect. I’d love you and Guy to meet Zack.”
“Leave it all to me! I’ll message him now. I like messaging your boyfriend, he sends me kisses.” she grinned cheekily.
“I’m not sure he’s my boyfriend yet.”
“I am.” Cassie squeezed me into a tight hug, before I headed back to work.
That Saturday evening, I waited at the train station, I’d got there too early with my impatience. I wore yet another painstakingly chosen outfit, this time involving black skinny jeans which I knew made my bum look amazing, along with a plunge-neck black top. I was determined to evoke a reaction from Zack tonight.
It seemed to work, as he stepped off the train, his eyes grazed over me with a slow longing. I reached for his hand as he neared me, I was caught off guard as he pulled me into a tight embrace.
“You look unbelievable.” His voice vibrated into my ear as he turned my face to his and kissed me with a slight roughness.
“Nice to see you too,” I smiled as I admired his own tight jeans and shirt. “Normal people say hi.”
“Normal people aren’t thinking what I’m thinking right now.” He took hold of my hand with a grin, as we headed out of the station together.
“Lily, no pressure, I just want to check if you wanted me to stay over tonight?”
My stomach did a complete flip over. “I would love you to stay over.”
“You still aren’t getting your wicked way with me, don’t get too excited.” He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it with a delicious softness.
We ambled to Cassie’s house, happy to be together. As we approached the fancier part of town, Zack began to pay attention to the neighbourhood.