by Nicola Lowe
“I get jealous about how close you two are, or at least were. Thank God Luke was there though hey?”
“Now you know, can we leave it in the past? I just want to focus on the future.”
“I’m here for the good bits and the bad bits. Don’t ever apologise for what you feel,” he loosened the hug. “I don’t know what’s best to suggest. Shall we get out of here? Want to come back to mine? Total change of scenery, we can go and get smashed in those nice bars you like?”
“You drove all the way here, you’d be exhausted,” I pointed out.
“I’d drive anywhere for you, don’t even worry about that,” he placed a light kiss on my lips. “Drive to mine, get your sexy clothes on, drink as many cocktails as we can, in as many bars as we can. Then pass out in bed after letting you take advantage of me in any way you like. Tomorrow morning I’ll bring you breakfast in bed and we can make plans, I have big plans for us.”
“That sounds amazing, too many memories here right now. Thank you, Zack, for everything, for being so understanding.”
“I love you, it’s what I do,” he smiled. “Go pack a bag.”
I felt drained as I gathered a weekend bag together. I still felt confused about that kiss too. I know it was Luke’s goodbye, but… that kiss had changed something in me. Surely we weren’t leaving it at that? I pulled my phone from my pocket.
Lily: Do you think we should talk? x
Luke: I think that kiss said it all x
Lily: How can that be it for us?
Luke: I have to go Lily, I need to do this. That kiss though… me and you aren’t done, not by a long way. A lot can happen in a year, let’s just see. Look after yourself xx
Lily: You too, my ever so pretty ‘what if’ x
Guilt and confusion bubbled away in my mind, yet it seemed as if right now there was nothing I could do. I shouldn’t have kissed Luke back, but I hadn’t been able to resist. I needed to talk to Cassie, but Zack was waiting for me. I needed distracting from this situation so maybe his idea was the best plan right now. Since when had fancy cocktails not helped!?
Twelve
I remember most of the night… I think. Zack’s town was gentrified - beautiful bars and restaurants lined the main streets. As I lay in his bed the next morning and swiped through drunken photographs on my phone, I realised we’d visited most of them. How many selfies had we taken? Who were those people? And what did we take when we got home? Those were getting filed somewhere secret!
The screen showed me it was gone noon. The significance wasn’t lost that Luke’s plane would’ve left. I looked over at Zack, on the pillow next to me, he’d been so amazing last night. He was the right decision, for sure. I snuggled up to him, that gorgeous face and warm body, and remembered how lucky I was.
A soft kiss fluttered onto my cheek as Zack slipped out of bed. I didn’t have the energy to move yet, but as I heard the bedroom door open a few minutes later, I opened a sleepy eye. Zack laughed to himself as he brought a tray full of coffee and toast over. He placed it down on the bed and grinned at me, before slipping back under the covers. I couldn’t fathom why he looked so happy, I felt like I’d been drowned in tequila.
“Adam just told me something that’s either insanely hot or mortifying, I can’t make my mind up.” Zack smirked at me.
“What? Tell me!” I replied, grateful as I grabbed a coffee and took a large, hot gulp.
“Do you remember getting home last night?” Zack asked, still smiling.
“Ish…”
“I think I couldn’t unlock the door and we were laughing, which turned into kissing. Ring a bell?”
“It does. We were doing that kissing, walking, undressing thing on the way to your room,” I moved closer to him as I remembered how good that felt. “I love doing that.”
“Mmmm,” Zack kissed me. “You’re a total temptress. Well, apparently we were so carried away, we didn’t notice Adam was sitting on the couch in the middle of a raid.”
“You’re using boy speak again. He was in the middle of a what?”
“A raid. It’s like a group event on his game. You work together. The whole group were watching Adam on Zoom because he co-designed it, and so consequently saw us drunkenly dry humping in the background of his call for a good minute.” Zack watched me for my reaction.
“Oh my god. Mortified!” I buried my head in my hands.
“Don’t worry! They didn’t see anything too graphic. Adam thinks it’s hilarious. He told them to consider a career in law rather than games design after seeing the differences between our Friday nights. Anyway, after the sounds I’ve heard from his room, he had this cosplay girlfriend for a while…” Zack pulled a face and I grinned.
“I suppose it’s a bit sexy, as long as he isn’t mad. I like the idea of dry humping you,” I teased.
“Keep being nice to me and I might let you,” Zack wrapped the duvet around my shoulders. “I need to talk to you first. There are two parts, I need you to listen to both parts before you answer me. I’m worried about the timing with you being so upset yesterday, but here goes nothing.”
“I’m intrigued,” I smiled as I reached for more toast. “Fire away.”
Zack twitched with excitement as he began. “There are two secretary jobs going at work, one of which is a senior role. I know you could do it with your eyes shut. It’s not in corporate so you wouldn’t be stuck with me all day or anything.” he smiled, but his eyes were nervous. “I was thinking you should apply to give you room to grow, you could do so much at a company like mine and everyone would adore you.” He took a deep breath and another glug of coffee.
“The second bit is that Adam told me he wants to move out. He wants to be closer to his new office. So, I wanted to start looking for a house to rent. I’d like to look together. I guess what I’m trying to ask, is, will you move in with me? All of this happening at once, it seems likes something’s aligned. I miss you so much when we aren’t together, imagine how amazing it would be to have our own place.”
He did his best puppy dog eyes at me and I grinned and ruffled his hair. “What if I didn’t get the job?”
“Then you should still live with me, there’ll be other jobs. That’d just be a bonus. Having a place together, waking up with you every day. That would be the dream. I know we’ve only been together a few months, but it feels right, Lily. Everything about you, us, feels right. It has done since the first day.”
“I‘d love to move in with you.” The answer came out of my lips before my brain engaged. I wanted this. Luke was gone, I loved Zack, why not do this?
He pulled me close to him, crumbs scattering all over the bed as he rubbed his nose side to side against mine in an eskimo kiss. “Really?” he asked.
“One hundred per cent.” I confirmed with a kiss.
“One other thing though,” he had a cheeky glint in his eye as he pulled back from the kiss. “I know the job isn’t for my secretary, but I think we should pretend you are…” I hit him on the arm. “Now, about that dry humping you mentioned.”
Monday night had one meaning, The Royal Oak with Cassie. It was a relatively new tradition, and I guessed it was going to have to end when I moved. Cassie was already at our favourite table when I walked in, tapping away on her phone. I saw two large glasses of wine on the table and instantly realised that meant she still hadn’t had the news she wanted.
I reached down and hugged her before I took my seat. “How are you doing lovely?”
“Not bad, the normal,” she shrugged.
I gestured at her wine glass as I took a sip of my own. “Want to talk about it?”
She shook her head. “We haven’t even been trying that long, shouldn’t complain. It’s just that with the girls it happened pretty much as soon as we made the decision to try.”
“Have you been to see the doctor?”
“No, I’ll give it a couple more months. See how we go. Anyway, enough about my sex life… which is now set against a calendar and involves m
e sticking my legs in the air afterwards… what’s been happening?” She leaned forward, a glint back in her eye.
“I don’t know where to start. Let’s rip the plaster off. I had the sexiest, craziest kiss in the world ever with Luke before he said goodbye. Zack asked me to move in with him and I said yes.”
Cassie blinked at me. “We need more wine. Start with Zack, you’re moving?!”
“Well, hopefully. I have an interview for a job at his firm. Adam’s moving out, so we’re going to look for a house to rent.” I smiled at my happy news.
“And that’s what Zack wanted after you had the ‘sexiest, craziest kiss in the world ever’ with Luke?” She did the air quotes as she mimicked me.
“That hasn’t come up in conversation, it was a weird day Cassie.” She poured more wine into our glasses and watched me, her face expectant. “It was Luke’s last day at work, I went into his office to say goodbye. It was sad, felt horrible. About a minute after he left, he sort of… burst back in like superman and just grabbed me and kissed me and…” I put my head in my hands, simply remembering the way it made me feel.
“Jesus… Lily, what are you going to do?”
I shrugged. “Nothing to do. He said he couldn’t leave without kissing me. Afterwards though he said he still had to go but would always love me. What am I meant to do with that, Cass?”
“Next time I speak to him, I’ll find out what he meant.”
“No, don’t put yourself in an awkward position. He’s gone, he’s surrounded by gorgeous young backpacker girls who’ll be all over him. I won’t be on his mind. He wanted to go, just… let him go.” I grabbed my purse and headed to the bar, reading the wine list over and over while I waited, to distract me from the thoughts that ran through my head.
“Tell me about the kiss.” Cassie said the instant I got back to the table with a second bottle.
I licked my lips without meaning to as I contemplated how to describe it. “It took me by surprise. It was full of love, like I could actually feel the love in it. It was intense, incredibly fucking sexy. It went on a lot longer than a goodbye kiss should have. It was… troubling for many reasons. I feel awful about it when I think of Zack, but I didn’t instigate it, I couldn’t help but respond to it, to him.”
Cassie looked worried. “You couldn’t have figured out you fancied the arse off him before this point?”
“Everyone fancies the arse off him.”
“You know what I mean. Have you spoken since?”
“No, he seems to want to be left alone. I have this amazing opportunity with Zack, who I also fancy the arse off by the way,” I grinned. “A big part of me doubts that Luke will even come back, so I can’t sit around moping. It was a kiss, just a kiss.”
“Hmm,” she didn’t look convinced. “Let’s look at houses. You’re going to be all posh and Cheshire!” The sparkle returned to her eyes!
Thirteen
Two months later, I realised that leaving my old life behind wasn’t quite as easy as anticipated. I cried buckets when I handed my resignation in, despite the whole team being so pleased for me. I followed Luke’s example and decided against having a leaving do, much to everyone’s disappointment, but with promises of invitations to our housewarming party.
Cassie heaved giant, snotty tears as if the world was ending when she left my flat for the last time, despite me reminding her I was only an hour away and had a spare bedroom for her. I promised her that Zack and I would come and stay soon, and I’d still plague her with messages chronicling my every move.
Standing in the flat on that final Saturday morning, I felt detached from myself. All of my possessions had already gone in a removal van, including the big heart frame, even though I was sure it couldn’t go up in the new house. Zack was there already, at our home. Our home!
I felt out of sorts. One single memory kept flicking back into my mind. Moving in, when it was this empty as well. Newly single, with a restraining order against a narcissistic ex and only Luke to keep me safe. This was meant to be Luke’s flat, but he’d given it up for me, to give me a safe place. I shivered at the thought of what might’ve been without him, and what perhaps, could have been our future if he’d spoken to me before I met Zack.
“Goodbye…” I whispered to nobody as I closed the door for the last time.
On a crisp, autumnal Friday evening, a few short weeks later, Zack and I arrived home from work together. I’d adjusted to this new life quickly, almost as if it had always been this way. I’d settled into work and the extra responsibility was nice, plus the extra pay of course. The house was looking good, with a splendid mix of my furniture, Zack’s possessions and new items we had bought together in fits of giddy excitement. We’d splashed out on gorgeous, tall bar stools for the kitchen-diner. Whilst one of us cooked the other would sit and chat and pour the wine. My cosy corner sofa was in the living room and we’d framed beautiful black and white photographs of us for the wall. Zack had been so right, not having to say goodbye anymore was beautiful.
It was the right time for the housewarming. We bought ridiculous amounts of booze and snacks, acting like giddy kids all day, waiting to show off our happiness to our favourite people. It was going to be a squash, but I didn’t think anybody would care. We’d even invited the neighbours, in case the noise annoyed them.
Everyone who arrived brought more drink and gifts, my heart felt so full of love and happiness it might explode. Both sets of our parents were there, Cassie and Guy, Zack’s sisters, all the bunch from Draper & Hughes and then some of my new work friends, plus Zack’s own best friends who were more and more part of my life.
Zack’s sisters were hilarious, they were all individual characters, and I adored them. Isabelle was the eldest, then Hannah. Zack was the middle child of course, followed by his baby twin sisters Leah and Maisie. Isabelle and Hannah had two children each, so I was now an Auntie by default, which I loved! Leah and Maisie were still young and not ready to settle down. From the first time I’d met them all, they’d welcomed me as if I’d always been part of the family. You could tell they all doted on Zack, the only boy of the family, and were made up to see him happy. As I poured drinks for us all, I heard Petra and Fi chatting in the small, back garden over a cigarette.
“Did you see the photo’s he sent through on Wednesday?” Petra asked Fi.
“I did,” she replied. “It looks stunning. I’ve never seen him so well. Where was it again? Laos? It looked incredible, so did he.” They both laughed and I rolled my eyes, from that one comment I knew they were talking about Luke.
Luke wandered through my mind on a daily basis. I didn’t think I’d ever stop yearning for that friendship back. Our random Monday night replayed itself often too, it unsettled me. Because when I’d asked if he was taking me to bed, I meant it, I would’ve done it. I felt like I was slightly insane, I wanted to know what he felt like, tasted like. I shook my head, trying to get the image out of my mind as I continued to listen.
A thought struck me… That kiss hadn’t been a goodbye, it was an appetiser.
“I wouldn’t blame him if he never came back,” said Fi. “Even less to come home for now isn’t there?”
“I thought they’d get together,” she sighed. “Anyway, probably not the right time and place to bring that up is it?”
I wondered what she meant; did she mean me? Did she know what had happened? My thoughts were interrupted as I heard Zack’s booming, drunken laugh alongside my dad’s. They were two of a kind, got on like a house on fire. Every now and then, I would imagine a future where Zack had a matching shed to escape to, just like my Dad. I smiled at the thought and grabbed the drinks, handing them out before heading to Zack for a kiss and a hug. It didn’t take long for me to miss the feel of him around me, it was almost like an addiction to his touch.
“I hope you two aren’t laughing about me?” I asked as Zack put his arm around me. My dad looked away as Zack’s hand rubbed over my hip with slow strokes.
“A
s if,” smiled Zack. “I was preparing your dad for the football rivalry that my dad is going to bring up any minute.”
“Well, as much as I love football talk,” I placed a kiss on Zack’s cheek. “Think I’ll go see your sisters instead.”
The evening was glorious, and everyone seemed to have a great time. Cassie was crying once more when she left, sobbing about how much she missed me. Guy rolled his eyes at me as he put her in the car and said they would see us next weekend. As it grew late and the last guests started to drift home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation I’d heard. Just seeing people from my old life had brought Luke to the front of my mind again, which was crazy when I was celebrating my new life with Zack.
The party had been everything it should have been, joyful and happy and full of promise for the future. The house was perfect, our literal love nest, well maybe not perfect right now covered in empty glasses and crumbs but that could be fixed. An utterly gorgeous man who adored me was sound asleep upstairs after way too many shots. I’d spent the whole evening surrounded by friends, family and colleagues, all of them celebrating our move and our future. How could the absence of one person hit me so hard?
I knew that Zack felt relief that Luke was gone, and the ‘complication’ wasn’t there for the two of us. I never admitted the way my mind wandered back to happy memories, silly TikToks, movie nights, hikes. The way Luke’s eyes crinkled up when he was laughing with me, always with me, never at me.
It felt like grief in many ways. I’d go to message Luke on my phone and realise I couldn’t, or at least shouldn’t. I’d see a gig advertised and want to invite him. All of me missed him. I thought back to that night in his back garden, and what would’ve happened if he’d taken me up on the offer.