by Nicola Lowe
“We should have, but we didn’t. Lily, there’s nothing in the world I want to do more right now than take you to my bed. But you’d hate me tomorrow, and then hate yourself too. If we ever did spend the night together in that way, it’d need to be for the right reasons.”
“I know. You’ll always be my ‘what if’.” Fat tears ran down my cheeks.
“And you’ll always be my only true love. Come on, this is too much.” He sat up, pulling me up alongside him but not letting go of my hand.
“We could pretend I’m all yours, just for tonight. I would’ve loved to have been yours.” I felt beyond devastated at the thought of him not being near me, I wanted to keep him here, as selfish as that was.
“But you’re not mine, are you?” Luke snapped. “If you were, I’d be driving you into that bed upstairs right now, over and over again. It’s all I can think about when you come to work in those super tight skirts. All tiny waist and curvy hips.” His eyes locked on mine in a furious blaze, his pupils huge and dilated against the beautiful blue. “Then I come home alone while you head upstairs to meet Zack.”
“Sometimes I think about you though, once I head upstairs,” I admitted, for the first time. “I had this dream about you…”
“Lily,” he sighed. “You’re drunk, and I shouldn’t have let you smoke this with me because it’s making you say things you wouldn’t normally say. This is what I was trying to explain in the park that time.”
“Maybe then you should’ve shared this two years ago. Said things you wouldn’t normally say. We wouldn’t be in this position now. The things you could’ve said to me…” I swallowed, nervous as I rubbed my fingers against his.
“You need to stop. I’m not sure what this is now Lily, but I only have so much restraint. You aren’t ready for me, trust me.”
Luke let go of me, stalking inside towards the stairs as I followed behind. We stood side by side at the bathroom sink, the air heavy, like a huge storm was needed to clear it, but the storm was never going to come. The spare toothbrush I’d always kept there was still in the cup. We brushed our teeth together, looking into each other’s eyes through the mirror.
“You’ll always be the one who saved me,” I said, as he wiped his mouth on a soft, grey towel.
“I would save you a million times over.”
“Are you absolutely sure you don’t want a thank you blow job?” I grinned, cheekily, aiming to break the tension of the night, but wondering how far I’d go if he took me up on it.
“For fucks sake, where was this Lily twelve months ago? I could’ve had fun with that,” he laughed and placed a kiss on top of my head. “Go on, bed. We have work in four hours.”
I don’t know about Luke, but I knew I’d never tell anyone about that night, not even Cassie and definitely not Zack. The atmosphere was slightly easier at work, I was so glad we had spent that time together. I hoped Luke was too, but I sensed him becoming more and more distant as the weeks went on. I realised it had been a goodbye, the last night of being best friends.
Eleven
It felt as though I blinked and we landed in late summer, which also meant it was time for Luke to leave. He’d refused all offers of leaving do’s, drinks or presents. I worked myself up into an absolute state that week, knowing he’d be gone by weekend. On his last day, everyone was in and out of his office, wishing him well and urging him to keep in touch. Petra saw me watching his door.
“Lily, sweetheart, I don’t know what happened between you two, but you’ve been staring at his door all week. Go speak to him before he leaves,” she urged as she patted my hand. She pointed at two coffees she had made for us. “Take those if you need an excuse, I’ll keep anyone else away.”
I murmured my thanks with a smile, heading over to his office with the cups, well-practised at tapping on doors whilst holding drinks for lawyers and clients.
“Come in,” I heard his voice through the door.
I pushed open the door with my hip and smiled hopefully. “Got five minutes?” I asked, holding a cup out as I took a deep breath, feeling the aura of him flow into me.
He looked a little unsure but nodded and gestured to the chair opposite him. “Sure.”
“Where are you off to first?” I enquired.
“Singapore, China and Japan are first three stops. I’m keeping it pretty flexible, but want to get to Thailand, Laos, Vietnam. Undecided about Australia and that direction think it might feel like a warmer version of here, with better beaches.” For the first time in so long he smiled at me and I saw it reach his eyes, he was excited about this.
“Look after yourself. I’ll worry about you. Have the time of your life but come back safe,” I said.
“You stay safe too, Lily,” he inhaled a deep breath. “I can see you’re happy with Zack and I know you’re close to his friends, but if anything went wrong, they’d be loyal to him. I hate the thought of you not having anyone to turn to if it goes bad.” He looked down again, the sadness back.
“You taught me how to be strong Luke. I’ll be fine, you taught me so much.”
“Well, I think I missed the lesson where I taught you not to get stoned and offer to sleep with people,” His face lit up with mischief. “Don’t do that again.”
“I won’t,” I smiled. “I meant what I said though, my ‘what if’, my extremely pretty ‘what if’.”
“I meant it all too, Lily.” There was silence, then he put his book into his bag, his desk now bare. “I’m going to escape now while it’s quiet.”
I nodded as tears streamed down my face, unable to speak. I stood to leave, and he twisted me round to him and wrapped his arms around me, just like he had so many times when I’d needed him.
“Stay safe, be happy. Promise?” He rested his chin on top of my head, not moving a muscle, as if trying to commit me to memory.
I nodded my head as I was wracked with sobs. “You too, come home safe.”
The door closed behind him. I leant back against the wall of his now empty office and cried like my heart was broken into a million pieces.
I jumped as the door burst back open a minute later. Luke crossed the room to me, kicking the door closed behind him.
“I can’t leave without doing this,” he took hold of my tear-soaked face between his hands and then, before I could even register what was happening, his mouth was on mine. My breath stilled as our lips touched for the first time. The very first time… One of Luke’s hands slid into my hair as he began to kiss me. I couldn’t feel anything except this moment.
He pulled me closer as his other hand wrapped around me, my breath was taken away. It was the definition of being lost in a moment. As my teeth teased his lips, his tongue met mine in a divine exchange.
I scattered kisses along his jawline, my lips moving across his neck, feeling the tension in him as I made my way back up to his mouth, looking into his beautiful eyes. He kissed me harder, I was so lost. I felt our wonderful friendship and how it could bloom into an amazing relationship given chance. The chemistry between us was unbelievable, how had I never noticed it? My whole body was on fire as Luke pulled back, resting his forehead against mine as his hot, fast breath slowed down.
His eyes looked down, but his body stayed pressed against mine. I was aware of his heartbeat against my own. “I’m sorry. Please though, tell me you felt that?” he whispered, almost imperceptibly, as though it could’ve been a silent prayer rather than a question.
I pushed his chin up with my thumb, so his eyes had to meet mine. His pupils were dark and stormy against that beautiful blue which haunted my thoughts. “I felt that Luke, I want to feel that again. Don’t apologise. Please don’t apologise.”
If time had slowed earlier, it now sped. All at once his fingers tangled into my hair, keeping my mouth pressed to his as we met in a frenzy that had been building up for so long. I ran my own fingers up and down his back, feeling skin I hadn’t touched before, noticing how his muscles felt and moved under me. I was aware of his han
d inside my blouse, reaching for new skin in the same way I had. Everything felt so new. It was like the two of us were trying to catch up on all the missed kisses.
He pulled on my lip with his teeth, “Lily, we need to stop,” he said breathlessly. I knew he was right but his lips were setting off every single pleasure cell in my body and it felt so good.
I looked at him, all too aware of how fast my chest rose and fell. “I can’t even think of words…”
“Me and you, Lily and Luke, we were meant to be together. I just needed you to see.” Tears glinted in his eyes as he continued. “I know the way I feel about you, is the way you feel about Zack though. I’ll always want you to be mine.”
“Please don’t leave Luke, stay. Stay with me.”
We both had teary faces as we pressed them together. “I love you Lily, but I have to go,” He ran a finger over my lips. “I’ll always love you.”
Then he was gone. I sank down into his chair. Weak from the moment. Trying desperately to comprehend what had just happened. My hands were trembling, my tears wouldn’t stop. How could he be gone? How?
After about ten minutes Petra came in, her face full of concern. “Everyone’s headed home. Why don’t you go upstairs? I’ll close up.”
“Thank you,” I said as I wiped my eyes on the tissue she handed me.
“Do you want me to come up and make sure you’re OK? Do you want to talk?” she asked kindly.
I shook my head as fresh tears sprang. “I’ll be OK, thank you though.”
“Whatever happened, whatever it is… The two of you will come around to where you’re meant to be, I’m sure. Life isn’t simple and people aren’t simple. Just trust in the fact that if something is meant to be, it will be. When it’s ready.” I fled to the sanctuary of my flat. Hiding myself under the duvet seemed the only option.
A little while later I heard knocks at the door. Zack! I sat bolt upright, with all my upset I had forgotten it was Friday evening. I couldn’t let him know that I’d forgotten he was on his way over. I also couldn’t hide how upset I was, I was going to have to brave this, not mention that kiss until I understood it myself. I didn’t always feel like I understood myself at all where Luke was concerned.
I opened the door a crack, checking it was him. A small part of me thought maybe Luke had come rushing back. Wishing almost?
When Zack saw me, his face dropped and he pushed the door open wide, he enveloped me in a huge hug which only made more and more tears fall. He helped me over to the couch and held me as I sobbed. My tears left wet marks on his soft t-shirt. “Was it that bad? Did he do something? Say something?”
I shook my head. “No… He just told me to be safe and be happy,” I shrugged, gulping down the lie. “It’s not nice saying goodbye to a friend, knowing you’re the one who forced them away.”
“You can’t blame yourself for this. You didn’t do anything wrong; you can’t be responsible for what other people feel and do. Don’t let him guilt trip you out of living your life, please, Lily.” He kissed me on the lips as I took deep breaths.
“I just… I literally don’t know if I’d be here today without Luke.” I sighed.
“What do you mean?” Zack looked concerned as he stroked my damp cheek and tucked my hair behind my ear.
I blew out a long, anxious breath. “I need you to understand why I’m so devastated Luke is gone. I don’t talk about this, ever. I told you about the cheating, the way my ex wouldn’t leave me alone. It got worse than that.”
Zack took hold of my hand. “You can tell me anything. If you want to. It’s your choice.”
“When I found what he’d done, I was so ashamed. I didn’t want to admit the vastness of it to my parents. I told them the bare basics of it, said I’d told him it was over. They’d booked this amazing three-week long cruise. They wanted to cancel, but I didn’t want them to miss out. I lived alone in a flat in a student building then, but it was summer, so it was deserted. Cassie was heavily pregnant and poorly. I’d lost loads of friends and my boyfriend, so I was about as alone as I could be.”
Zack handed me a bottle of water from the coffee table and watched me with concern, as I took a drink and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
“Once I’d found out what he’d done, I dumped him. There was screaming and arguing of course, but we didn’t live together so other than maybe an awkward encounter if we bumped into each other, I didn’t expect to deal with him again. It started with messages, one after another. First apologising, then demanding I talk to him, and then when I still didn’t reply calling me every name under the sun. Then it progressed to phone calls, the phone would ring and ring, so I ended up keeping my mobile off - which isolated me more. He rang work too, I was so scared of getting in trouble, so I didn’t tell anyone there.”
“I’m so sorry, Lily.” Zack looked so concerned, which broke my heart more.
“One day on the walk to work, I could sense someone behind me, not super close but I could tell they were there. I looked back but couldn’t see anything. I checked again as I arrived at work, and he was standing there, unashamedly staring at me. It happened again after work. I ran most of the way home and locked myself in, I pressed a chair up against the door. I felt so scared and when I summoned up the courage to look out the window, he was over the road, watching me. It carried on, not every day but most days.”
“A short while later, everyone else left work as normal, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I sat in the staff room and cried, I knew that when I went home, he’d follow me again. I didn’t feel I had anyone to turn to. Luke had been working there a few weeks, I hardly knew him. I hadn’t even realised he was still in his office. He found me. Just having someone ask me what was wrong, sort of broke a dam. I ended up telling him everything. He was… incredible.”
“Luke drove me to my mum and dads place and stayed there with me. The next day he started all the restraining order stuff and never charged me a penny for it. We went to the police together and reported it all. After about a week of Luke staying at my parents with me, I felt brave enough to go back to my flat. Hoping the police and the legal action would’ve scared him off, it had been a lot quieter.”
I took another drink, almost spilling the water with my trembling hands.
“Luke was worried about it, but I was sure it was fine. He went out and got me a new phone so that even if I had to turn my old one off, I could still be in contact with him on a different number. I gave him a spare key to my flat, he made me feel safe, nobody else did. Luke came up with this system, where he told me what he was having for tea.” I smiled to myself. “Then he’d message me later in the evening to make sure I was OK. If he’d told me at work that he was having cottage pie for example, I’d reply to his text and say, ‘How was the cottage pie?’. If I didn’t reply, or replied differently, he’d know I needed him. Like a code word that would change each day, so Luke knew I was safe. I got back to the flat and everything seemed fine. The front door locked from the inside, so, I left my key in the lock as normal. I’m sorry Zack, this is the most convoluted story.”
“Don’t be sorry, don’t you ever apologise for this. I want to kill the guy already, take your time.”
“I’d glanced in each room when I got back, but it never occurred to me to check further than that. I went into my bedroom to get changed, and when I came back out, he was on the couch. He must’ve hidden. I didn’t even know he had a key. I looked at the front door, but my key was gone so I knew I couldn’t open it. He was looking through my phone. He said that if I’d slept with someone, that cancelled out what he’d done, therefore we could get back together. He was calm, it was eerie. To have been in love with a person, then feel scared to be alone with them. To feel like you don’t know them at all. Luke messaged me, as he’d promised, and when he saw the message, he got crazy mad. I felt like the only way to calm him down was to agree with him. So, I apologised, which made me feel disgusting. I said that of course I could forgive him, and we cou
ld get back together. I just wanted him to stop shouting, Zack.”
“I was scared that the neighbouring flats were empty, nobody could hear what was happening. He went to kiss me, and I froze. I thought I could act, but I couldn’t do it. Then things got scary. He started screaming at me, his eyes all crazy, I think he must’ve been on drugs. He pushed me over and I cut my head on the table, but he didn’t even seem bothered. He grabbed at my arms and pinned me down and to this day I don’t know what he was going to do, but I have horrible, horrible suspicions.”
“With all the chaos neither of us had heard the door open. Before I knew what was happening, Luke grabbed him, they started to fight. Luke easily overpowered him, he was a scrawny little shit.” I laughed sadly.
“Luke punched him in the face, hard, and told me to go in the bathroom. I could hear Luke’s voice as he pinned him down, but he’s never told me exactly what was said. After about fifteen minutes, Luke knocked and told me to come out, he was gone.” I shivered. Almost done, Lily.
“Luke took me to a hotel, he stayed with me, making endless cups of tea. He told me that he was due to move into the flat above the office that weekend, but he wanted me to move there instead. It was safe, it had alarms and security cameras and two front doors with solid locks. Then, even after I did move in, Luke slept on the couch whenever I felt jumpy. So basically, because of me not answering that silly ‘what did you have for tea?’ message, Luke knew I needed help. Without him turning up at my flat, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me.”
“Lily,” Zack hugged me tighter than I’d ever known. “You kind of breezed over it when you first told me, I didn’t know it was that bad.”
“I hate talking about, I never even say his name. I didn’t want you to think of me differently. To feel like you couldn’t act normal around me. I know not everyone is like him.”
“So, did he disappear?”
I nodded, “I don’t know what Luke said, but it scared the crap out of him. Next I knew, he moved away, and the rest is history. Think he just played at being a bit psycho, and as soon as someone stood up to him, he scarpered.” I paused and drank more water. “Do you see now why Luke and I have the bond that we do? Why he found it so hard to tell me what he felt? I hate that I’ve lost him.”