The Missed Kiss

by Nicola Lowe

  I’d already had too much to drink, but drunk brain was on form. It wanted me to pour another large glass of Pinot Grigio and obsess at Instagram.

  Luke’s travel photographs were stunning. The lifestyle worked for him. His blonde hair was now longer, and it suited him, brighter against his tanned face. Freckles that were not noticeable before were now sprinkled across his nose.

  One particular picture was so good it didn’t look real. Luke was next to a magnificent azure ocean with crashing waves, and I swear his eyes matched the blue of the water to perfection. I shook my head again, trying to chase the thoughts away. What are you doing Lily? Scrolling back, I saw another of him laughing, as he waited at an exotic train station. I knew he would have the crinkled up, sparkly eyes underneath his sunglasses. My breath caught as I looked at his sunglasses and saw the reflection of the person taking the photograph. She seemed as happy as him, long blonde beach waves in her hair and a wide smile as she held her phone up. I suppose he had time to make up for. He deserved to be happy. Why did I feel sick?

  I put the wine down and closed my eyes, looking for the rational part of my brain. Luke was a good person, the best person, he should be enjoying every minute of it. He’d always been there for me, his strong arms giving me the tightest hugs every time I needed them. Not now though, not tonight, not anymore.

  I swiped back to the main page of his Instagram account, the highlights showing that beautiful ocean, those exquisite eyes. My finger moved to the word ‘Message’ almost without thought. I’d liked a few of his photographs over the past weeks and had posted bright and breezy comments, but there hadn’t been any response and he hadn’t done the same to my own feed. I blamed it on the constant travel, the lack of wi-fi, the time difference and so on, but in my heart, I knew he was trying to get away from me. Sometimes the internet made the world feel too small.

  Lily: That kiss was everything…

  I pressed send then turned off the phone and went to bed. Leaving the mess and chaos of the party for the morning. I didn’t look at Zack as my head hit my pillow. The spinning room wasn’t the only sensation making me feel uneasy.

  I woke up to the sound of the shower running. A heavy guilt settled on top of my hangover. Perhaps the best course of action was to keep the phone off and stay busy. Quickly putting on a comfy yoga set while Zack finished in the bathroom, I began to tackle the empty wine bottles, the crushed Dorito’s in the carpet and the mountain of shot and wine glasses waiting to be washed. I sensed Zack enter the kitchen and felt his warm arms wrap around me, as he kissed my neck on each side.

  “Good morning beautiful,” he murmured. “You’re busy for a girl who drank so much wine last night.”

  “Ha!” I laughed. “Says the person who pretty much passed out after every form of shot possible. Did I even see our mums join in at one point?”

  “Yeah,” he grinned. “I won’t be popular this morning. Was such a good night. You’ve still got loads of presents to open later too, I don’t need presents, I have you, that’s all I need.” He twisted me around to kiss me and I held my bubbly hands in the air, not wanting to get his clean clothes wet. “I don’t care about the bubbles,” he smiled as he squeezed me and I let my arms wrap around him. He was so warm from his shower. Everything was fine, everything was perfect. How lucky was I to be in this house, with this man? This would’ve felt impossible twelve months ago.

  “I’ll join in the big tidy up, but I can’t function until I’ve been to Costa. Want me to bring you back a Vanilla Latte? Almond Croissant? Or is the hangover so bad we need to go straight to chocolate brownie?” Zack asked.

  “You choose,” I replied. “I don’t feel so great, I might nip back to bed for a bit.”

  Zack looked at me with concern. “Do you need me to get you anything? Not like you to feel so rough?”

  “No, I’m OK,” I replied. “Got enthusiastic with the wine last night. I’ll have a lie down while you are out and I’ll feel better, I’m sure.”

  He pulled me to him and kissed the top of my head, taking a deep breath of me in. “I’m going to walk, so I’ll be about half an hour,” he smiled down at me. “I love you, even if you are rubbish at hangovers.”

  I smiled and kissed him on the lips. “Love you too, bring me something nice.”

  I climbed the stairs back to bed as my mind raced. Safely tucked up under the covers, I switched my phone on. Notifications began pinging, messages from party guests home safe, hungover selfies on Insta, tags in many drunken photos from the night before. I couldn’t see the notification I was looking for though. I opened my message to Luke from last night and was almost too fearful to look. There were four little letters under the message - seen. Luke had read the message and not replied, that told me all I needed to know. Tossing the phone onto the empty pillow next to me, I held my head in my hands, what was I doing? I must be losing my mind because this made no sense at all, I could’ve screamed with frustration at myself.

  Ping

  I felt sick, I knew that ping. I didn’t want to look at the phone. I couldn’t not look at the phone. Just pick the phone up woman!

  Luke: Is something wrong? Are you OK?

  Lily: I’m fine, promise

  Luke: Do we need to talk about what you had for tea?

  Lily: God no, nothing like that. I wanted to let you know, it was on my mind, the kiss …

  Luke: Why Lily? What’s gone wrong in that perfect world that you and Zack seem to inhabit?

  It’s hard to judge a person’s mood from a message, but I felt as though I could feel his anger burn down the phone to me. I guess he had every right to be mad, but then didn’t I too? How was it my fault my best friend kept his feelings secret from me for so long?

  Luke: I know you had a housewarming party last night, I’ve seen people’s pictures. Was this message a drunk mistake? Can’t believe you’ve moved in with him already, you know he’s just trying to lock you down?

  Lily: Please don’t be like this. I miss you. Everyone but you being here last night brought that back to me. I miss you

  Luke: I have to stop myself from missing you every single day, Lily! I have to force myself to not think about you. To not think about you and him. I’m at the airport, I can’t do this right now

  Lily: I understand. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, I won’t message again. Safe flight, you look so well and so happy xx

  Luke: I’m not here to pick you up when you need it Lily. I’m trying to deal with a lot of stuff myself.

  The little green light by his beautiful picture disappeared, he was no longer online. I lay back on the pillow and felt… ridiculous… what had I done? Upset Luke, made myself feel like an idiot and gone behind Zack’s back. My phone flashed up with a picture message, a close up of a takeaway coffee cup and my favourite chocolate brownie. I sent a love heart back to Zack, and then deleted Luke’s messages with mixed feelings.

  Fourteen

  Zack and I living together felt breath-taking, as life continued along a happy path for us. I didn’t hear from Luke, those feelings had to be pushed into a little box, in the back of my mind, left alone. I even eased off on the Instagram voyeurism, it was too simple to picture myself in the photographs with Luke, what an amazing journey that would be.

  Our first Christmas in our home together was incredible, so much love and happiness and family in one place, plus the newfound joy of receiving designer shoes under the Christmas tree. Time seemed to spin by in a rush, I still didn’t feel like I was at the height of my love for Zack, every day I’d love him a touch more. My heart felt so full, yet more love kept blossoming. We found ourselves back in springtime, and I couldn’t help but remember those first dates and nervous times.

  One morning at work, the familiar Instagram ping went again. I picked up my phone expecting it to be Cassie, it was a year now since they’d decided to try for a baby and every time we met, I could see the tension growing in her face. She’d agreed to go to the doctors, so I was hoping f
or good news soon. This message wasn’t Cassie however.

  Luke: Hey Lily. I’m sorry it’s been a while. I didn’t mean for it to be that long. Is there a time I could call you? When you’d be able to talk to me?

  My heart beat amplified. I knew what he meant, a time when Zack wasn’t around. Oh god… He was coming back married to a gorgeous blonde beach goddess, wasn’t he? Cassie had been right. They’d have amazing blonde children. Or… maybe he wasn’t coming back at all?

  Lily: Hi stranger. Sure, I need to go to the other office this afternoon so will be driving over alone. Would 12 ish work? I don’t know the time difference? Is this bad news?

  Luke: No, not bad news. Not even news, more of a question. 12ish is fine. Speak to you then

  This was going to be a long morning. Coffee… I need coffee. By quarter to twelve I couldn’t wait anymore and headed out to Zack’s car, well, I guess it was our car now, explaining I needed to run an errand on my way. I drove to a nearby park and waited, my mind in overdrive.

  I jumped as my phone buzzed to life, a contact I hadn’t seen in so long flashing up on the screen. Luke Adamson – Incoming Call. I took a long, deep breath before answering.

  “Hi Luke,” I bit my lip and tried to focus on not saying anything stupid.

  “Hey. It’s good to hear your voice, been a while.”

  “It has. That was an unexpected message this morning.”

  “I know,” he said. “I’m sorry about last time we messaged, I didn’t mean to sound so angry.”

  “No, it was my fault, I shouldn’t have sent that, it wasn’t fair on anybody.” Familiar guilt shivered through me.

  “Don’t worry. How’re you doing? New job going well?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’m good thanks, job still feels strange sometimes, but it’s going well. You’ll have forgotten how to work by the time you come back!” I joked.

  “Ha-ha no chance! Listen, I’m back in the UK. I’m in London for a little while before I come back home.”

  My heart stopped for a full minute. Luke was back. Luke was coming home.

  “I wanted to ask you if you’d meet me? I know that Zack won’t be happy. I don’t want to put you in a difficult situation, but I do want to see you, Lily.”

  “Erm, wow, Luke that’s a lot to take in. When did you get back?” I wasn’t sure where this was going.

  “Two days ago, jet lag is just easing off.”

  I could tell he was smiling as he spoke. I wanted to see that smile. I checked myself in the rear-view mirror, thankful for good make up!

  “Before I answer, can I ask a favour? Can we switch to video call? Be so good to see you.”

  “I look like crap, but of course.”

  Then the screen sprang to life. There he was. So tanned, so blonde, eyes still sparkly, smile so wide. The slightest hint of trepidation.

  “Is this your idea of looking like crap? You look so pretty Luke.” I laughed at what felt like an in joke for us. He was once so familiar and now such a rare sight. I snapped out of the trance, as I realised, he was taking in everything about me too.

  “Says the prettiest girl in the world. You look more grown-up though, does that sound weird?” he asked.

  “No, it doesn’t, think I feel more grown up now. Stopped hiding from the world.”

  I felt like this was one of those Sliding Doors moments where your life can split in two different directions. I should leave this alone, but I couldn’t. I’d been pining for Luke for so long now.

  “I want to meet. We shouldn’t have left this like we did,” I admitted.

  “We can figure out where and when next week. I guess you need to speak to Zack?”

  “Yep. That’ll be interesting. I’m so glad you’re back safe.” I smiled at him.

  He smiled back and those freckles looked even more adorable. “Speak soon Lily, missed you.” Then he was gone, and I was holding the phone in the car, my hand trembling.

  The thought of speaking to Zack about this filled me with dread. He had a jealous streak at the best of times, but where Luke was concerned, it was on another level. As we cosied up on the couch together on Friday evening, it seemed as good a time as any.

  “Zack…” I said, as I stroked my fingers up and down his arm.

  “Mmhmm?” He was busy flicking through hundreds of box sets trying to find one to settle on for the night.

  “Luke rang me.”

  All box set browsing stopped as Zack looked at me. “Where is he?”

  “London,” I answered. “He’ll be back home soon. I said I’d go and see him.”

  “Why would you say that?” He moved away from me subtly.

  “Because he’s my best friend and I haven’t seen him in almost a year,” I shrugged. “You wouldn’t ask that if I was going to see Cassie, or you were going to see Maddy.”

  “The difference being they aren’t trying to get into your knickers.” Deep frown lines appeared on his forehead.

  “You don’t trust me at all do you? You know how I feel about cheating, I wouldn’t cheat on you.”

  “I trust you. I don’t trust him. You’re not going, that’s it.” He continued to look through the tv options as though that was it. His word was final.

  “Excuse me? Since when do I not get a say in my own decisions?”

  “When it involves him, you’re completely blind. For fucks sake, I know what he did was amazing, do we have to hear about it forever? I would’ve done it, anyone would’ve done it.”

  “Wow…” I couldn’t believe Zack had said that. “Of all the shitty things you could’ve said…”

  He shrugged, like a petulant child, the conversation was over for him.

  “You know you can’t stop me? Can I just check we haven’t gone back to the fifties here and you are expecting me to be all Stepford Wives?”

  “Do you ever think about how it makes me feel?” Zack snapped at me.

  “Of course I do. Do you ever think that if it was him I wanted to be with, I would be? I wouldn’t have uprooted my life to be here with you, would I?” I yelled back. “You can’t keep doing this jealous act.”

  Zack’s breaths were fast as he clenched and stretched his fingers. “How about we see him together? With Cassie and Guy, in a group. I don’t want you on your own with him.”

  “I’ll speak to Cassie.” I looked at the blank television, preferable to looking at him right now.

  “I’m going out. Can we take a rain check on this?” He pointed to the beers and popcorn on the table, all ready for a snuggly night in.

  “Sure,” I sighed. “If that’s what you want. Don’t rush back on my account.”

  Ten minutes later, without so much as a kiss on the cheek, Zack drove away. As Friday nights go, not my greatest.

  “Stranger!” Cassie teased as she answered my call the next day. “Thought you’d run off on me now you’re a big career girl.”

  “No, it’s been chaos lately,” I responded, making polite chit chat and listening to her tales of the kids whilst wondering how to broach this. “Cassie, I need to ask you something.”

  “OK… I figured, you’ve found out, haven’t you?” she sounded stressed.

  “Found out what?!” I asked, confused.

  “That I have Luke staying here.” She said.

  “Oh, right, no, I mean yes. I knew he was back, but not with you. That’s sort of what I wanted to ask about. We need a catch up, it’s been too long, and I also want to clear the air with Luke. So, I was wondering about coming over, Friday night maybe? Kill two besties with one stone and all that?” I hoped I sounded casual enough.

  “Sounds good to me lovely, but let me check Luke is OK with it yeah?”

  “Of course.”

  “Only problem is he has the granny flat. You’d have to sleep on a couch if you stayed?” she said. “The spare room isn’t finished.”

  “Not a problem, don’t worry. I do love the fact though that nobody over the age of thirty actually sleeps in your granny flat.�
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  “They will one day, I was future proofing, and hoping for built in babysitters. Bloody need them now that you’ve up and moved!” she teased.

  “Love you too,” I joked. “I need to go, let me know about Friday asap. I need Zack to come round to the idea.”

  “Zack would never refuse you anything. I’ll speak to Luke when he gets back.” She blew an exaggerated kiss and hung up.

  I felt stupid and jealous that Cassie would see Luke today. Lily you are so ridiculous! I took a deep breath as the importance of this to me settled. I knew, of course, that she’d get the go ahead from Luke.

  We made arrangements for the next weekend. I noticed Zack sneak glances at my phone on a few occasions, which only put me in a worse mood. Neither of us had apologised, we’d settled back into a mostly normal routine.

  I was dreading the night by the time it arrived, this wasn’t how I wanted to see Luke.

  Cassie was welcoming as ever of course, inviting us in to her lovely, warm home. The mini mansion, nestled in a gorgeous wide street full of other mini mansions and middle-class children who ate quinoa and pesto. Zack and I sleeping on the sofa for the night wasn’t going to work, so I’d driven. If one of us was going to drink, I’d prefer it to be Zack. That way I was more in control of my words.

  Guy and Luke were opening up bottles of wine in the kitchen as we walked in.

  “Hi,” I hugged Guy and then looked at Luke. This was surreal, the last time that face was in front of mine, he kissed me. “Sight for sore eyes. Good trip?” I hugged him, wanting to seem like old friends greeting each other and nothing more.