by Nicola Lowe
Luke smiled as Zack greeted them both. “Great trip, thank you. I’ll bore you with stories later, they’re sick of them.” He motioned towards Guy and Cassie. “How are you both doing? You moved in together while I was away?”
Zack jumped in like a shot. “Yep, been a busy year.” He smiled as he shook Luke’s hand, was it sincere? Who knew?
The floor vibrated, how did tiny feet make such an impact? Ruby and Emilia barrelled into the room and charged at Zack and I for hugs. It was a welcome relief from small talk when they dragged us both away to play Hungry Hippo’s.
We shared homemade pizza’s; the girls of course had their toppings arranged into smiley faces. The table was covered in empty wine and beer bottles soon enough, I had stuck to the lemonade, determined to stay in control.
“OK you two, bedtime.” Cassie clapped her hands.
“I want Lily to put me to bed,” said Ruby.
“I want Luke,” sang Emilia.
Cassie looked at us. “That OK with you?” I don’t think she knew who to check with.
I looked at Zack, “Do you mind?” I spoke quietly, not wanting it to seem like I was asking permission, but knowing that was exactly what was happening.
“How could you possibly say no to that little face?” He smiled at Ruby. “No problem, don’t worry. Guy, shall we nip down the road?” We all knew down the road meant the pub.
I wasn’t sure Zack was quite as relaxed as he made out, but I also knew he wouldn’t want to let on in front of Luke that he had any issue. Luke and I headed upstairs with two gorgeous little girls.
I whispered to Luke as they brushed their teeth. “I’m sorry, this evening turned out nothing like I planned. I hoped we could talk about what happened.”
“It’s OK, don’t worry. No rush.” Luke moved out of their view and brushed his hand against mine. “Are you alright?”
I nodded. “Yes, you?”
“It’s so good to see you. Zack seems fine about-”
“All done!” Two little voices shouted at us and cut Luke off as they ran out of the bathroom.
“Story time then!” I ushered them into Ruby’s bedroom, to the story corner, piled high with beanbags, throws and cushions. A gorgeous and overflowing bookcase of beautifully illustrated books dominating one wall.
Luke and I sat next to each other on beanbags, with a child each on our knees. As I began to read them a story about a singing mermaid, he slid his free arm behind me and hugged us all together. I drew out every word, turned the pages carefully, enjoying the feel of him and the happiness radiating from the room. It was still over too soon though. Luke carried Emilia back to her room as I tucked Ruby in. She looked sleepy and angelic.
Switching on her monitor, I tiptoed out, closing her door behind me. Unable to see much in the dark hallway as my eyes adjusted. I heard Luke softly close Emilia’s door and tiptoe over to me.
He placed a finger over my lips and shushed, before wrapping his arms around me. I knew the monitors would pick up any words, we needed to be quiet, but there was so much I wanted to say.
As he held me close, my muscle memory kicked in. My head seeking its natural spot against his shoulder. His heart beating against me. My own arms wrapping around his back. An ache spread throughout me, how had I gone so long without this?
His mouth pressed against my ear as he whispered, almost silent. “I missed you so much.”
I looked up at him and nodded as I smiled, wanting to portray that I felt the same. Those eyes though… how had I never felt lost in them before? This was dangerous and stupid, but I was drawn to him. My breath caught in my throat as he stroked a finger down my cheek, then his lips were heading towards mine, my brain felt fuzzy.
His lips hovered there, millimetres away from mine, setting every nerve ending on fire. He was torn, as was I. Should this happen or not?
The decision was made for us as the slam of the front door signalled that Zack and Guy had arrived back from the pub, their loud laughter echoed up the stairs. We sprang apart, Luke smiled and headed downstairs. I waited in the bathroom for a few minutes, checking myself in the mirror, as if I’d have a big flashing sign above my head that I’d just been about to kiss my best friend, again.
After composing myself, I found everyone on the sofas with fresh drinks, laughing and chatting. It was a genuine, happy scene. Luke was telling a story about Japan. Zack patted the seat next to him and I joined him, his arm wrapped around me. It felt weird but nice, snuggled up with Zack, listening to them all talk, whilst exchanging smiles with Luke.
By eleven, everyone was drunk, except for me, the designated driver, who was sleepy. Cassie was hanging off Zack’s neck and once again insisting that she was the most miraculous matchmaker on the planet. Luke grasped the opportunity and hugged me, I felt him take in a deep breath as he held me close, his hands stroked my back. I swallowed with nerves as I looked at him, I knew him too well, his eyes weren’t that drunk. I imagined him going back to the granny flat on his own. For a moment, I wished we were staying over, then I could sneak out there and do exactly what I wanted. Stop it, Lily!
The air outside was warm, within five minutes of leaving, Zack fell asleep in the passenger seat, which gave me thinking time. I had a horrible feeling life was going to get complicated for us all.
Fifteen
I skipped downstairs in my gorgeous new skirt as I heard the familiar rhythmic sound of Cassie knocking on the front door. We were overdue a Saturday night out.
“Hello!” She bubbled with excitement as I let her in. “I’m so ready for time away from the kids. Please say we can go to that gorgeous bar with the gigantic gin cocktails? The bars around here are so much better than at home!”
I hugged her and we walked through to the kitchen, where she proceeded to manhandle Zack once again. He smiled at her with true affection.
“It’s good to see you!” she said to Zack. The two of them had such soft spots for each other. “You OK? You look a little peaky?” She held a hand up to his forehead, always in mum mode.
“I’m fine,” he answered. “Just been working crazy hours. Looking forward to an early night while you two are out.”
“It won’t be a late one. Cassie’s getting the last train.” I explained.
“I know, I’m so sad I can’t stay over,” Cassie explained. “Kids have got two different parties in two different places in the morning, so we need to take one each. Bloody parents who organise kids’ parties early on a Sunday morning.” She scowled but I knew she loved being a mum and everything that came with it. I also knew that it was going to be a big topic of conversation tonight.
Zack came to the door to see us out, hugging us both and whispering to me. “Are you going to come home all ginned up and horny?”
“Would you like me to?” I asked with a smile.
“I’ll be disappointed if not.” he grinned and kissed me goodbye.
We went to a bar that I knew Cassie adored, the one she had mentioned. It had a gorgeous roof terrace and the lovely views meant it was always packed. I spotted a small table near the edge of the roof, nestled amongst groups of glamorous ladies and couples. Cassie brought two oversized, over-priced cocktails over and began telling me lots of mundane news. I nodded and smiled, knowing she was avoiding other subjects.
“Cassie, you haven’t said anything about the baby issue in a while. Are you still trying? I see the large gin so guess no news yet?”
She looked down at the table, picking at a napkin. “I went to the doctors. They did blood tests and it wasn’t great.”
I reached out for her hand. “Did they find something? Are you OK?”
She took a massive gulp of the gin. “It seems my oestrogen levels are way, way down. We’re going to go private rather than wait, but I googled, and it freaked me out.”
“Cassie, Dr Google doesn’t know everything. You need to see what the experts say.”
“Dr Google doesn’t know everything, you’re right. But he does know that o
estrogen levels that low at my age indicate early menopause caused by ‘primary ovarian insufficiency’.”
“Seriously? You’re only in your late twenties. When’s your appointment?”
“Two weeks. See what they say. I googled it-” she stopped speaking and laughed with nerves, as I raised an eyebrow again at her obsessive googling.
“I’d need to move fast I think, see if there were eggs left that they could freeze and go down an IVF route,” she sighed with a deep sadness.
“Cassie, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know I’m only an hour away, but it feels farther when stuff like this is going on. Nothing is definite until you get that opinion from the private clinic though, it might not be as bad as you think.”
We were both silent for a minute.
“Is Luke still staying in the granny flat?” I asked, trying to sound casual.
Cassie nodded. “Are you two friends or not now, I can’t figure it out.”
“Yeah, but we don’t speak much because Zack gets in a right strop.” I rolled my eyes.
“I can kind of see why.”
“I’m allowed to have friends Cassie!” I replied.
“Friends who you have crazy, sexy, intense kisses with?” She drummed her fingernails on the table.
“Zack doesn’t know about that.”
“I’m sure he can pick up on the tension between you two. I know you were upstairs together longer than you needed to be last week.” Her eyes zeroed in on me.
“What are you accusing me of? We hugged, we missed each other, that’s all!” I raised my voice, feeling a mixture of indignant and guilty all at once.
“I want you to understand that you and Zack are perfect together. If you aren’t careful, you could lose that. He won’t put up with you messing around with Luke, why should he?”
“I’m not messing around with Luke. I want to be able to meet my friend, and Zack pretty much said I wasn’t allowed which pissed me off.” I took a long drink, shaking the lemon slice off my mouth in annoyance.
“I don’t like being in the middle of this. You and Luke both tell me subtly different versions of events, I know something is off.” Her tone was accusatory.
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on. I wanted to meet Luke to talk. Zack went all stroppy husband and wouldn’t let me. I’m not cheating on him, you know how I feel about cheating, Cassie, don’t accuse me of stuff like that.”
Cassie nearly spat her drink out. “Jesus, calm down. I need the loo, I’ll bring more gin back.”
I handed her my bank card as she went. Why did everything have to be so tense these days.
When she returned, laden down with fish-bowl glasses, her face looked a little softer.
“I understand Zack not wanting you to see him. I also understand that the two of you need to talk. Luke is moving back to his house on Wednesday. If you wanted to come over to see me on Friday night, it wouldn’t be anyone’s fault if Luke dropped by to pick up something he forgot, would it? Guy is away, so no point Zack joining us unless he wants to talk about early bloody menopause.”
“Thank you. You’re the best.” I smiled.
“Yeah, yeah, remember this if I need to borrow your womb.” She grinned, and the rest of the evening passed in good spirits, my mind mostly keeping itself in check with regard to Luke and Zack.
As predicted, once Zack knew that Luke had moved out and Guy was working away, he wasn’t remotely interested in coming to Cassie’s with me. He arranged a boy’s night in instead. I surveyed my beautiful coffee table full of playing cards, poker chips, cigars, whiskey and beer.
“All-nighter?” I asked, with a smile.
“For sure. Not often I get an empty house. Need to practise for my stag do anyway, I reckon Vegas.”
Neither of us spoke as the realisation of what he’d just said dawned.
“Erm,” he began. “Obviously that’s not an immediate plan, I just meant, in general…”
He blushed and I pressed a kiss to his lips. “I love you, especially when you blush. Don’t gamble the house away, we’re only renting it remember. See you tomorrow gorgeous.”
I drove to Cassie’s in contemplative silence, it had taken me an age to get ready. I wanted to look good for Luke, but not so good that Zack was suspicious about what I was doing. I opted for hair down and slightly wavy, with the classic black winged eyeliner and red lipstick look. My best black skinny jeans and a gorgeous deep red, silk blouse by The Kooples that Cassie had spent way too much on for me at Christmas.
Cassie handed me a large glass of wine the instant I walked through the door. “Kids are already asleep,” she said as we sat down together. “I’m going to get an early night, but can we discuss one unbreakable rule before I do?”
“Sure,” I smiled.
“Granny flat is all made up for you to stay over. That’s you, Lily. I’m not having you two shagging behind Zack’s back in there. This is just to talk. I still can’t even decide if my best mates shagging is weird or lovely. So don’t do it.”
“Of course, and I fully agree.” I nodded.
“You look gorgeous by the way. I knew that blouse would be perfect on you.” She smiled.
“You not wanna stay up and chat for a while?” I asked.
Cassie shook her head. “I’m worn out, it’s been a horrible week. To be honest, I want to get to Tuesday so I can see that doctor and get an idea of what’s going on. Early night, on my own, is exactly what I need.”
“I understand. Maybe in the morning we can take the girls out together? Zack has a big night planned, no point me heading home too quick.”
Cassie agreed and gave me the key to the granny flat before she headed upstairs. I smiled as I looked in the fridge, Cassie had left wine and chocolate for me. Just as I was choosing a bottle, I heard gentle knocking at the door. My stomach dropped through the floor.
My palms were sweaty with nerves as I opened the door and looked up at Luke. His hair still highlighted by the sun, those bloody adorable freckles, his tanned arms under a light blue shirt. Had those arm muscles always been so defined? Our eyes were locked in contact as he stepped inside, into my arms.
God, I’d missed this. Those arms had held me a thousand times through good and bad and never let me down.
“You smell amazing,” I said as I inhaled his scent. He smelled like a warm Mediterranean night, delicious and sensual. He squeezed me, and then stepped back, his eyes travelling over me again.
“You look beautiful,” he said.
“I thought pretty was our word?” As he sat down, I poured us both wine. “You’re not driving are you?” I asked, wondering how full to leave the glass.
He shook his head, “I walked.”
We sat close and talked about his trip, my job, what our friends had been up to, how the kids had grown, how TikTok wasn’t the same anymore… But Zack was never mentioned. It felt like there was so much being left unsaid.
“This feels so surreal. Sitting here with you after everything that’s happened.” Luke shuffled in his seat as he spoke.
“It does, and I feel like you’re going to tell me something awful?” My throat felt dry and constricted.
“No, at least I hope you don’t find it awful,” he took a deep breath. “What I wanted to ask was… that conversation we had in your flat… it went so wrong. It was a shock, we were both over emotional and I don’t want that to define us in any way. I’m not asking this with any expectation of a different outcome, Lily, but could we start that conversation again? You not being in my life for so long has been sad. I want you in my life, in one form or another, and for that to happen we need to iron out what was said.”
“I agree. That day was horrible. Still upsets me whenever I think of it. How about we forget that and just start from the beginning? When you asked to meet me that day, when you brought that gorgeous Caramel Macchiato! Let’s start from there, but with wine.” I smiled at him, trying not to show how nervous and unsure I was at that moment.
“Lily, there’s something I’ve wanted to say to you for a long time now. Which is ridiculous, but I haven’t wanted to scare you or push you away. I kept thinking, give it a couple more months. Then I went to Uganda, which feels a lifetime ago. I missed every wonderful chance I had.” He gulped loudly and took another long breath, looking down at the glass of wine in his hand.
“I’ve been in love with you for so long now. Initially when I began to have feelings for you, you were still in a bad place emotionally, you were petrified. I didn’t want you to think me helping you was a way to get close to you. Then you grew stronger and happier, and we had the best, best fun and laughter together. We were as close as friends could be, but I had no idea if you felt the same, so I never said anything. I know that now isn’t ideal, but I need to know how that makes you feel, have you ever felt the same about me, at all?”
His stunning blue eyes were staring into me, my hand shook as I sipped my wine.
“You saved me from a desperate and low place, and I wasn’t always grateful enough, I’m sorry for that. We became the best friends in the world, I loved all the fun and adventures we had together. When you told me you loved me, it shocked me. I had no idea. How could you have gone so long and not said a word?” I asked. “Wouldn’t there even have been one drunk night you tried to kiss me? I assumed you weren’t interested in me, so I never gave it another thought. I struggle with how you could keep it secret for so long?”
“Me too,” he sighed. “I was an idiot.”
“I just didn’t know you liked me like that. I wish I’d known.” I shrugged, saddened and resigned now to the missed opportunities. “Cassie made me promise we wouldn’t shag.”
He laughed out loud. “I hadn’t realised it was on the agenda. You have a boyfriend.”
“I know. A boyfriend, and a very, very pretty ‘what if’, sat here looking like absolute heaven right now.” I couldn’t take my eyes off his.
“I didn’t bring you anything to smoke, gave you all sorts of ideas last time,” we both laughed.