by Nicola Lowe
I snuggled up against him and took a gulp of the cool sharp wine. “I can’t cheat on him Luke,” I sighed again. “I know too well how that hurts.”
“I wouldn’t ever expect or want you to,” he murmured; his mouth pressed against the top of my head. “It killed me to say no that night we lay in my back garden, but I had to. I’m not sure where we’re going from here?”
A million images landed in my brain all at once, showing how we could be together, how we perhaps should’ve been together all this time. I remembered how broken Luke had looked back in my flat when I had said no, and I hated myself again. Then I thought about potentially telling Zack it was over and I felt physically nauseous, he’d be shattered. I worried it would break him in the way that my breakup had those years ago. How could I pay that pain forward? But then how could I be without Luke?
“I don’t know what we do…”
“I don’t want to put you in an awkward position, Lily.” I raised my eyebrow and shot him a suggestive smile, causing him to laugh. “Not that kind of position, although I do want to do that, I meant-”
“I know what you meant, don’t worry. But I’m intrigued about what position you were thinking about.” I walked over to the window and looked out at the lovely garden.
Luke walked behind me and slid his arms around my waist, resting his head on my shoulder. “Last time you didn’t think. You went straight into panic mode and threw me out. It was my fault, I sprung it on you at a bad time. I’d pretty much given up when you sent me that message after your housewarming, it made me realise there was still hope.”
“I thought about you so much while you were gone, I realised, more than I should’ve been. I wasn’t just missing a friend, it made me feel guilty though. For hurting you. For contemplating hurting Zack. Whatever I do here, someone loses.” I turned around into his arms.
“That kiss in my office. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t leave without feeling that, just once.”
My breath was coming too fast. I thought of Zack at home, happy with his friends. I thought of Cassie over in the house, stuck between all this despite having her own turmoil.
My voice was quiet, these words should stay in my head. “It was the best kiss I ever had Luke.”
“In that case then…” He tilted his head towards mine, the strength of feeling scared me, I didn’t want him to stop. I went weak at the knees as our mouths locked together. His kisses soft and slow as they turned my insides to mush.
“I went away to get over you, but I can’t,” he whispered to me, his lips scattering kisses around my neck and cheek.
I held him close, wanting to breathe in every ounce of him and never let it go. “Zack won’t let me see you, it still doesn’t seem like it’s our time.”
“Why are you with someone who is trying to control you?” I gasped and tilted my head back as his fingers traced spirals along my back, his hand sliding inside my blouse.
“He doesn’t, Luke,” I bit my lip as he kissed the exposed skin of my upper neck. “He has insane jealousy about you, and I think it’s fairly valid. Look at us.”
“One more minute and I’ll stop, I promise.” Then his hands were in my hair, his body was pressing me against the wall and his mouth was clashing against mine in an urgent kiss. How could a person taste this delicious? I wanted to kiss every single inch of him, be trapped underneath him while he absolutely devoured me. The throbbing between my legs was insane, I wanted-
All of a sudden, he paused, I gasped for breath as he backed away, smiling coyly. He knew full well what he was doing to me. I needed to handle this properly, like an adult and not a horny teenager.
“I have to stick with what I said Luke, I don’t want to cheat on anybody.” It killed me to say it.
“I wouldn’t ask you to, sorry if I went too far. Come on, let’s just have a drink and chill, god knows when we’ll get to again.”
Unsurprisingly, the second bottle of wine loosened my tongue. We lay together on the bed, talking as we always had in the past. We both loved our beds. “If I left him, would you be with me?” I blurted out, without thinking. It was completely unrelated to the conversation that was in progress.
Luke’s eyes focused on my own. “In a heartbeat.”
“I’ll think about it. My mind is so muddled. I don’t want to hurt him, and I have the house and the job, but this… I can’t ignore this.”
“Everything can be undone Lily. Houses, jobs, relationships. We could go anywhere in the world together.”
God, he looked insanely sexy. Drunk brain was well and truly in charge now. I imagined us locked in sexy trysts on beaches, by lakes, on planes, lush hotel rooms. Breathe Lily! Drunk brain had an idea.
“I read a sad magazine article the other day.”
Luke frowned at me in confusion. “I’m struggling to keep up with this now.” He said, pouring more wine. “Go on…”
“This couple, had decided not to have sex before marriage. And on their wedding night,” I tried to look serious. “She found out he had a micropenis.”
“What’s a micropenis?” Luke was studying me like I was insane.
“In this guy it was a congenital issue, really teeny tiny. But he hadn’t told her, so she found out the hard way, or not! She divorced him. Feel bad for him.”
Luke shook his head in confusion. “And you brought this up because?”
“I was thinking, imagine if I gave everything up, and then you had a micropenis.”
“Firstly, can we stop saying that word, it’s weird,” Luke laughed. “Secondly, you’d only be with me for my penis, is that you’re saying?”
“Not only for that of course, but I might find myself thinking about it quite a lot.”
“Lily, stop it,” Luke warned, but with a smile. “It’s not micro, don’t worry.”
“You would say that though, wouldn’t you? Dare you to prove it.” I watched him with a smile. We had dared each other a lot of stuff over the years, I knew he didn’t like to back down.
He gulped down more wine as his eyes flicked over me. “That’d mean you have to go through with whatever I dare you too.”
“Fine with me,” I smiled defiantly.
“Turn around then.” Luke pushed me to my side, so I had my back to him, talking to me as he unzipped his jeans.
He kissed the crook of my neck as he spoke. “I dare you to answer my questions. How many people have you had sex with, Lily?” One of his hands rested on my hip, I could hear the other moving around in his jeans. This was so hot – damn drunk brain!
“Two. You should know that.”
“Just checking I didn’t miss anything. Most adventurous place you did it?” Luke asked, his lips still against my skin.
“I’m so dull. A hotel?” I shivered as his fingers tickled my skin.
“Never say you’re dull. I’ll teach you everything, Lily.” Even the sound of him breathing was driving me insane.
“Before I complete my dare, I don’t think I should be the only one touching myself,” I tried to twist my head around to look at him, but he pushed it back with a soft touch. “No peeking. It’s up to you. I’m ready if you are.”
I gulped, this would be the point to stop and admit it had gone too far. But Luke had put in so much effort now. I’d promised no shagging to Cassie, this didn’t count. This was something else. Bloody drunk brain and its persuasive arguments!
I closed my eyes, torn between embarrassment and pure lust as I slid my hand inside my skinny jeans, wishing they weren’t so tight. I stopped at the waistband, Luke moved his hand from my hip and placed it on my wrist, pushing my hand lower. “Don’t stop,” he whispered.
I sucked in a sharp breath as my fingers slid down between my thighs. “That’s better,” Luke said, as I felt him shift backwards. He tugged at the silky material of my top, pulling it up, so my back was bare.
His hot skin touched the base of my spine and a shiver ran through my entire body. “Definitely not micro,”
he said as he pressed himself fully against my back. I mean… Cassie will never know if you break your promise.
Neither of us moved for a second, I realised this really was too far. Zack was at home thinking I was having a nice chat with Cassie, not figuring out how big my friends’ penis was. And it was big…
“Lily, we’ve gone too far,” Luke spoke into my ear as he pulled away. “You know full well I can’t resist a dare. I’m going to head home; I want you to stay there and keep doing that. OK?”
“Please don’t go,” I tried to turn over, but he held me still.
“Shh. I’ll see you soon. I love you.” I watched him stand and struggle to zip himself back up.
“I love you too,” I replied. Scared by how much, as I climbed out of the bed and hugged him.
“That’s the first time you said it like that to me,” Luke smiled and kissed the top of my head.
“I do love you. Scares me to death but I can’t deny it.”
“We’re going to reach a point of no return, Lily.” He kissed me with such sweetness as he left. I knew it was better he went, but I was struggling! After locking the door, I jumped back into bed, and straight back into my underwear. Why hadn’t we done dares like that before? Sexiest moment of my life.
Sixteen
I spent a gorgeous morning with Cassie and the girls, flying kites at the park and eating ice creams together. It was only as I headed home that the guilt and the loathing began to set back into me as I thought about what we’d done. How it would make Zack feel. I may not have had sex with Luke, but it was still a betrayal. How would I feel if Zack had spent a night like that with another woman? Pressing himself to her like that. I shivered at the memory.
My feet crunched down the gravel to our front door. It felt like I’d been gone weeks, not less than a day. My whole world felt different. Luke was right, my life with Zack could be undone, but was I certain I wanted it to be?
Zack opened the door before I could get my key out and wrapped me in his arms. “I missed you so much,” he squeezed me as he spoke.
“Bless you, it was only one night. Ugh, the house stinks.” The stench of testosterone, alcohol and cigars hit me as I stepped inside. “Good time I take it?”
“I’m dying,” he pulled a sad face. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Did you gamble all our prized possessions away?” I teased as we cuddled up on the couch together.
“It’s all a bit blurry to be honest, think we’re safe though,” he smiled. “How about you? Get up to much?”
“Cassie’s struggling with not falling pregnant, she just needed me to listen I think.” I lied, and felt hideous for it.
“She’s the same age as us. Does it make you worry about when we want babies?” he asked.
What was going on? Talk of stag do’s yesterday, babies today. Was he planning to propose? “No, what’s going on with Cassie is pretty rare. We have loads of time.” I smiled.
“I’d like a few, that’s all,” Zack kissed me with a grin. “You know I love my big family.”
“I’m not past my prime yet, calm down.” I joked.
“Maybe we could talk about plans and… stuff, soon?” he asked, with big, beautiful eyes as he reached for me. His kisses became more and more insistent as his hands wandered into my clothes.
“Let’s go upstairs,” I whispered into his ear. “I’ve got something better to do than talk.”
Back at work on Monday, my direct line rang for what felt like the fiftieth time. “Hello, Caddel & Boone. Lily speaking.” I trilled, in my well-rehearsed work voice.
“Hi, I’m ringing from Draper & Hughes, not sure if you’ve heard of us?” Spoke a deep voice from down the line. I smiled to myself, recognising it immediately as Luke.
“Yes, we’re aware of the firm. How can I direct your call today?” I responded, trying to channel the sexiest voice I could muster.
“I think you know precisely where I want to be directed to,” Luke teased me.
“That’s not always possible without scheduling a meeting I’m afraid.” I lowered my voice and held the phone close to me.
“And if I scheduled a meeting, the two of us, would you come?”
“I could check the diary, small meetings like that can be arranged out of hours.” I responded, trying to keep my breathing steady.
“I don’t know if you could handle me out of hours.”
“You’d be surprised at what we can handle here.” I kept my eyes down on the desk, hoping nobody was paying attention.
“I miss you, Lily Forshaw, I hope that soon I’ll find out exactly what you can handle.” Then he ended the call. I felt giddy, hot and silly. I knew it was ridiculous that I was at my desk, downstairs from Zack, having been hugely turned on by a two-minute phone call. I also knew Luke’s words had been right, we were going to reach a point of no return. The two of us felt… inevitable.
Zack drove us home after work, chattering away about plans for the weekend. I realised I had to start to try to explain the situation to him. The world felt peaceful, I was the monster about to tear it all down.
Within minutes of getting home, he began banging around in the kitchen. He was so messy whenever he cooked, I found it kind of endearing in a weird way. He put so much enthusiasm into it, he didn’t see the chaos afterwards.
I walked through to the kitchen, taking a seat at the breakfast bar. I smiled as a large wine was held out in my direction. “I think I’d make a great house husband,” he opened to oven, peering inside as he adjusted the temperature.
“I couldn’t afford you.” I tried to join in, but I didn’t know how to act or broach this conversation. It looked like he was planning to cook something lovely, and I knew I couldn’t eat. I took a massive gulp of the wine, trying to drown my apprehension.
“You OK? You look stressed?”
I nodded my head and looked down at the worktop. “I need to talk to you.”
He immediately put everything down and came and sat on the bar stool next to me. We’d had such fun choosing these together. Tears welled up in my eyes, over a bloody bar stool. “Hey, what’s wrong? What’s happened?” He put his arm around me and hugged me to him. “You can talk to me, you know that.”
“I’ve done something, and I don’t know how to tell you.” I grabbed a tissue and wiped my eyes.
The colour drained from his face; his eyes fearful. “What do you mean? What have you done?”
“You remember, not long after we met. When Luke told me that he loved me. I told him I wanted to be with you.” I couldn’t meet his eyes as I spoke.
Zack stood up. “Fucking Luke, I’m sick of hearing his name. Did he upset you? This is going too far, I’ll sort it out, I’ll-”
“Zack, stop,” I pleaded. “He turned up at Cassie’s the other night.”
His eyes flashed with rage. “Why would you not tell me that?”
“I’m telling you now, I should’ve said before, but I knew you’d react like this.”
“How do you expect me to react?” he shouted. I needed to diffuse his anger, but there was no way. “So, come on then, what did you two besties get up to?”
“It’s not simple Zack. When he told me how he felt, and I chose you… I don’t regret that, because I love you so much, I love our life here together.” I said.
“So, what’s the problem?” he demanded.
Nausea was bubbling within me, but this needed to be said. “I think I love him too.” Zack stared at me; I couldn’t judge what was going through his mind.
“Love him like your best friend, which I’d expect, or you are in love with him?”
I spoke quietly, my eyes trained on the floor. “I think I’m in love with him.”
“You told me you were in love with me.” The quiver in his voice was tearing me apart.
“I am, I am in love with you, I adore you. I feel the same about both of you and it’s so hard Zack.” I began to cry again.
“Are you expecting sympathy here? I
don’t even understand what this is. Are you breaking up with me?” He sat down, his head in his hands. I reached for him, but he shrugged me away. Anger emanated from his whole being.
“No Zack, no, I love you, I don’t want to split up. I need you to try to understand how I feel.”
“I don’t understand Lily,” he bawled at me. “You love me, but you love him, but you don’t want to break up? That makes no sense. And you haven’t answered the question about what you got up to?” He turned away from me, obviously dreading the answer.
I took a deep breath. “We kissed, and it was then I realised…” My words were cut off as Zack swept the two plates off the breakfast bar. I watched them spin and smash into pieces on the floor, like they represented my life falling apart right now.
“Did you kiss him, or did he kiss you?” Zack demanded as his fist banged down on the worktop.
“Zack, I-”
“Did you kiss him, or did he kiss you?” Zack repeated himself, his tone angry and insistent.
“He kissed me,” I looked down in shame. “I’m so sorry.” Zack had tears in his eyes.
“He always manipulates you, why can’t you see it? Not anymore though. You’re not seeing him again, Lily. I’m going to go see him, he can’t just turn up and kiss you and expect you to drop your whole fucking life and run to him. He only wants you because he didn’t get his own way.”
“That’s charming. You think nobody would want me just for being me?” I screamed back, the neighbours must love this.
“That’s not what I said, for fucks sake. Don’t have a go at me when you’re the one kissing other people.” He glared at me.
“Also, you can’t tell me what I can and can’t do. You can’t ban me from seeing my friend!”
“Actually, when that friend is trying to fuck my girlfriend, I think I can. Screw this, I need some air.” He grabbed his phone as he stormed away from the house, slamming the door so hard the walls shook. The car sounded too noisy as he revved the engine and sped away.
I threw a cup down with the smashed plates and screamed. I was so mad. But also… so messed up. What the hell was I doing?