The Missed Kiss

by Nicola Lowe

  Seventeen

  It’s amazing how long the night time hours feel, when you’re alone, and your mind refuses to shut down. Zack hadn’t come home, and his phone was turned off. I’d given up on even trying to sleep, spending the time examining every inch of our bedroom ceiling. Remembering an impossible number of nights in here with Zack, then remembering every touch Luke had placed on me. Was Zack asleep somewhere? Drunk somewhere? Just thinking of him caused my insides to twist up in pain. Was he out shagging a random girl to teach me a lesson? Was he throwing himself off a bridge? I had no idea.

  The ring of my phone woke me, sleep must have taken me in the end as the room was now bright. I cautiously opened my eyes; it was ten thirty. My heart missed a beat as I saw Cassie was the caller.

  “You need to get here now and tell me what’s going on.” Cassie sounded angry.

  “What do you mean? What’s up?” I asked, my head groggy.

  “When I got back from nursery, Zack was here, screaming the place down. Wanting me to tell him where Luke lived.” she began.

  “He should be at work, shit, I should be at work!” I jumped up in a panic.

  “Lily, I don’t give a crap about work right now. Did you shag Luke? Is that why Zack turned up here in that state?”

  “No! I told you I wouldn’t. Is he still there?”

  “Zack isn’t no, he’s looking for Luke. Luke’s in court today though. I obviously didn’t tell Zack that. Can you get here and sort this out?”

  “I don’t have the car, he stormed off in it last night.” I explained.

  “Have you forgotten where I’m going today? Why the kids are in nursery?” Cassie’s voice was trembling.

  “Shit, Cassie, I’m so sorry. This is the last thing you need. God, I’m the worst friend.” My heart sank at the thought I had let her down.

  “Yeah, to be honest Lily, sometimes you are. Sort it out, I need to go.”

  Fuck! Where to even begin with this. I tapped at my phone in a panic.

  Lily: Hi Margaret. So sorry Zack and I aren’t at work today. Family emergency, I will call you asap. Really sorry x

  Lily: Cassie, I love you, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think, story of my life. Good luck at the Docs, I’ll call you later sweetheart x

  Lily: Zack, Cassie called me. You shouldn’t have gone there, she has enough on her plate. Can you please come home so we can talk instead of running around screaming at people?!

  Lily: Hey you… Had a chat with Zack, he’s on a bit of a rampage. He was looking for you, but Cassie said you’re in court? I know you won’t be allowed your phone on, can you call me when you get this please? x

  I sank back in the pillows. What a mess. I almost dropped the phone as it pinged, but it was only Margaret, less than impressed. Least of my worries right now. After throwing some clothes on, I made an extra strong coffee, trying to ring Zack every few minutes but not getting through. I found an online florist and ordered a huge bouquet of flowers for Cassie, with express delivery, to try to apologise.

  Coffee all gone, I dropped my head down onto the breakfast bar, feeling exhausted and clueless about what to do. My stomach somersaulted as the front door opened. Zack’s face was tired and drawn as he walked towards me. Neither of us spoke.

  “Are you going to say sorry?” I asked.

  “For?” Zack was obviously not in a better mood.

  “Storming out, staying out all night, screaming at my best friend?” I held my hands up in disbelief.

  “The only bit I’m sorry about is that I didn’t find Luke. Are you going to say sorry for acting as though I mean nothing to you?” He stepped closer to me.

  “That’s not fair. I was being honest.” I rubbed my fingers over my temples, trying to soften the thumping pain in my head.

  “You’re not sorry at all, are you? For kissing him, for wanting him. I was a warm-up act. Remember how nervous you were when we met? How slow we took everything? Now you’re full of confidence, aren’t you? Especially in the bedroom… Did I just get you ready for him?”

  I shook my head. “How can you say that? I love you.”

  “Really funny way to show it, Lily. I’m due on that corporate weekend, I need to get into work and get stuff sorted. Maybe we should have some time apart, figure out what’s going on here.” He looked past me, out of the window.

  “You want to break up?” I squeaked, my voice retreated inside me.

  He shook his head. “A break, a breath, I don’t know what to call it. We both need to think about what we want. Maybe you aren’t the girl I thought you were when I brought up stag do’s and babies.”

  “I would never give up on you like this.” I shouted as I pushed past him, running upstairs and frantically throwing clothes into a bag. Not caring how much mess I left as clothes and make up cluttered the bed and floor. Stabbing at my phone with my finger, I ordered a taxi and slammed the front door behind me with as much strength as I could. Zack hadn’t left his spot, hadn’t tried to stop me.

  The taxi driver turned to me, looking nervous at my teary face. “Where to love?”

  My mind went blank. Cassie was pissed at me. Going to Luke’s would only add fuel to the fire. None of Zack’s friends or family would want to take my side. I remembered what Luke had said in his office before he left, about me not having anyone to turn to.

  Randomly, I thought of a swanky hotel in town that we’d been to a Christmas party at. I had our joint credit card in my purse, Zack wanted breathing space? Fine. I’d get mine boutique hotel style!

  I threw myself down onto the oversized hotel bed and buried my face in the pillow. Margaret had rung while I was checking in. Zack was back at work, I explained it was a personal issue and I wouldn’t be back until next week. She wasn’t happy but I had so much more going on in my head. Didn’t even know if I’d be staying in this town.

  I grabbed an overpriced and undersized bottle of wine from the minibar and glugged at it. Lessons in how to completely screw up by Lily Forshaw. My phone was utterly silent, like a traitor.

  I didn’t want me and Zack to break up. The thought of not exploring the possibilities with Luke seemed impossible though. Maybe I just needed to cut myself off from both of them, spend time alone. But then, four years alone did me no good before. I didn’t want to be that lonely person again.

  The phone pinged and I launched myself at it, wine splashed over the plum bed covers.

  Cassie: The flowers are beautiful. It’s not your fault Zack turned up. I’m upset you forgot it was such an important day for me

  Lily: I’m so sorry. How was it? Want to talk? x

  Cassie: Not right now. It wasn’t great. I need to digest. You and Zack ok?

  She had enough on her plate without me adding more.

  Lily: We’ll be fine. Ring me when you’re ready to talk, anytime. Love you Mrs xx

  No reply. I sighed and rolled onto my back, hanging my head off the edge, wondering if the rush of blood might get rid of my headache. I couldn’t believe Zack hadn’t even messaged me. The phone rang and I bolted upright, Luke!

  “Hey, are you OK? I got your message, the case went on for ages. What’s Zack done?” Luke’s words escaped his mouth quickly.

  “I told him we kissed and that I was confused about my feelings. This was after work yesterday. He stormed out and didn’t come home. Then turned up at Cassie’s this morning, screaming and shouting, wanting to know where you lived. It was Cassie’s fertility appointment today so then she was all pissed at me, understandably.”

  “Are you OK, Lily?”

  “I’m now in a hotel, let’s put it that way.” I sighed.

  “Where? I’ll come to you.” His voice was so strong and sure.

  “It’ll just make Zack angrier.” I sobbed.

  “I don’t care, he’s always bloody angry or jealous. How will he know anyway? Does he know where you are?” Luke asked.

  “No, no he doesn’t. He didn’t seem remotely bothered where I went.” I admitted.

>   “Right, then send me the address and I’ll be with you in an hour or so. No arguments. I’m not leaving you upset and alone.”

  Jumping out of the shower twenty minutes later I realised my hasty packing was a little random. It was either a thick woollen jumper, a yoga set, a hot pink Ted Baker dress or the lovely, black lounge wear set I had bought a couple of weeks back, so soft to sleep in. Luke was used to seeing me in pyjama’s, and this set was super cute. Decision made, hair dried, splash of make up on. What the hell was going to happen now?

  Reception had assured me they wouldn’t give my room number out to anyone. I’d sent it to Luke in a message, so when I heard the knock on the door, I jumped up, confident it was him.

  What a sight. God, he looked so good in a suit, and especially when holding two pizza boxes and a bottle of wine. My stomach rumbled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten since yesterday lunch time.

  “How do you always know what I need?” I smiled, as he came in and put the boxes down on the desk. Why did hotel rooms always have desks?! Then he wrapped me up in his best hug, I was back in my safe place.

  “Because I know you, and you won’t have had anything but coffee and perhaps wine?” he asked, with a little kiss on top of my head.

  “Very true,” I smiled. “I’m starving, thank you.”

  He told me the basics about his day in court while we munched the tastiest pizza. I was famished! We sat on the bed together with a glass of wine, his arm around me, my head leaning on his chest.

  “Out with it then, what happened?” he asked.

  “You don’t want to know every horrible word. The neighbours got a pretty good show. Zack said I’d used him like a warm-up act while I waited for you. He said I wasn’t allowed to see you again, as if I was his bloody property. Then after storming off like an idiot overnight and upsetting Cassie in the process, he came back and announced we needed a ‘break’,” I sighed. “So here I am.”

  “Has he not rung you to check where you are or anything?” Luke asked.

  “Nope. Seemed more concerned about this trip to Iceland with work. Work are pissed at me too, just to add to the list. Told them I wouldn’t be back until next week, I can’t even think.”

  “A break is probably what you need. From work, from him. Figure out what’s happening in that mind. I’ve never been able to.”

  “You know it better than anyone, don’t say that.” I took hold of Luke’s hand.

  “Did you tell him about the… thing we did? Because I can kind of understand him chasing me down if so.” Luke laughed.

  “God no. I still can’t believe that. You’re such a bad influence.” I grinned, as he let go of my hand and poked me in the side.

  “As if it was me who started any of that.”

  “I’ve tried to call Zack, but it goes to voicemail.” I said.

  “Lily, it’s weird me giving you relationship advice here, but if he said he wants space, give him space. Let him come to you, don’t chase him.”

  “What do you want Luke?” I asked.

  “Apart from the obvious,” he kissed the top of my head again. “I want to get out of this suit, it’s too hot.”

  “Are you… going to stay? Here, with me?” I asked, not sure what I wanted the answer to be.

  “That depends. Would I be staying to help you feel safe, as a friend? Would I be staying because you want to start a relationship with me? Would I be staying because you’re ‘on a break’, to coin a famous phrase, and wanting to make the most of it,” he sighed. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

  “I want you to be more than my friend, but I don’t know if I’m ready for it. I want you to stay, but I think to be together hours after Zack asked me to leave might be wrong. Would you stay with me if sex was off the cards?” I turned around to face him.

  “Of course I would. I agree, it’s too soon. So, I’m staying then?”

  I nodded and smiled. “Yes please. If you still want to get out of that suit, I can show you where the fluffy hotel bath robes are.”

  Oh my god this bed was comfortable. I wriggled further down under the covers as my mind woke up. Luke and I had talked for most of the evening, and then in such a caring way, he had cuddled me up in bed with a brief goodnight kiss and let me fall asleep.

  I rolled over and stretched my arms out, taken aback by how different Luke looked. He was often guarded, or would go into mischievous mode with me, there wasn’t always a middle ground. Now though he looked so… vulnerable. His blue eyes closed, that blonde hair flopped over his forehead. His freckles had all but disappeared now I noticed as my eyes grazed down to his lips. His lips were beautiful, and I mean, who wouldn’t want a good morning kiss?

  I pressed myself against him and stroked the side of his face as I whispered. “Do you mind if I wake you up?”

  He shook his head briefly as one eye squinted open. “What are you doing Lily?”

  “This…” My lips pressed over his as I ran my hand up into his hair. Our bodies were boiling hot under the heavy hotel duvet and he felt so good against me. He moved into a deeper kiss, sighing as his tongue flicked against my own. I couldn’t help but notice the effect this kiss was having on him, but this time it was pressed against my stomach rather than my back. I pulled him on top of me. Desperate to know more of what he felt like.

  My fingers gripped at the firm skin of his back as he pushed down into me, kissing me harder, taking the breath from me. He felt as hard as he had that night at Cassie’s and involuntarily, my hips rose up against him, setting explosions off inside me.

  He shivered and began kissing my neck. “You can’t wake me up like this and expect me to know what you want. You’re driving me crazy. You said no sex.”

  Luke was wearing nothing but tight, sexy shorts. I ran my fingers down his sides. “Could we… do some stuff but not all the stuff?” I asked.

  “You can’t say the words can you?” he smiled and nuzzled his mouth against my cheek. “I’ll do some stuff, and if you want me to stop say. But not all the stuff.”

  I laughed and kissed him again, these kisses were addictive. He slid his hand up inside my top, tickling his fingers over my sensitive skin. “This good?” he asked.

  “Definitely.” I let out a happy sigh as I slid a leg around his hip, pulling him closer to me. He swiftly pulled my top off and then his mouth followed the same pattern as his fingers, driving me insane.

  “I’ve wanted to get you like this for so long,” he moaned as he continued, my fingers wrapped into his hair. “We have to stop before all the stuff anyway because I don’t have condoms. I was only going to court when I left the house yesterday, they aren’t often needed.” His mouth moved back up to mine, kissing me as he spoke, his eyes sparkling with the pure attraction between us. “We don’t need to talk about tiny penises again do we?”

  I laughed and kissed him, I was addicted to his kiss. “No, we don’t, I’m pretty assured in that department.”

  “You had your back to me, it could’ve been an aubergine I was holding against you.”

  I laughed too loudly. “Only one way to find out…” His entire body tensed against me as I slid my hand inside his shorts and took hold of him. He made me nervous, and giddy, and completely horny. His mouth pressed against my shoulder. “How have you kept this from me for so long?” I asked.

  “I have no idea. But I need to know what you’ve been keeping from me.” He kissed me with an urgency as his hand flashed down my stomach. He lifted the lacy waistband and delved immediately in between my legs. This was incredible.

  “Please don’t stop Luke.” I pulled him even closer to me if that was possible, desperate for him. “I know I said not all the stuff a few minutes ago. But I want all the stuff.”

  His tongue wrestled with my own as he pinned me down onto the bed with his mouth. “We can’t.”

  “We can,” I whispered. Remembering the zip pocket in my handbag which undoubtedly still had condoms in it, left over from before Zack and I stopped us
ing them. I rolled to the side and rummaged around in my bag, grinning and holding a screwed-up foil package aloft in triumph.

  “Lily, I can’t cope with you,” he sighed and pulled back from me, I tried to follow him with kisses but he shook his head. “What if Zack calls you in half an hour, apologising and asking you to come home? Are you going to be able to tell him what we did?”

  All the incredible feelings shooting around my body fizzled out, like damp fireworks that had let a crowd down. I pouted sadly. “How are you so good Luke? Anyone else would’ve carried on.”

  “I don’t want you hurt,” he stroked my cheek and smiled. “But, I do need a cold shower. Want to order breakfast?”

  Both showered and a little subdued, we ate breakfast together on the bed. Silently contemplating what was going to happen, where this was going to go. I couldn’t believe Zack was still blanking me. Luke was working on his laptop at the desk (so they did have a use after all!) I decided to try to call Zack one more time, if he still wouldn’t pick up then that sent a pretty clear message.

  Yesterday the phone had been ringing for ages before cutting to voicemail. Today it rang once and then went straight to the ‘leave a message’ bit. I threw the phone across the bad, muttering, “Such a twat.”

  Luke turned around and raised an eyebrow. “Me?”

  I laughed, glad he was here. “Definitely not you.”

  Grabbing the phone back as Luke made a call to the office, I decided to see if Instagram gave me any clues what Zack was up to. Nothing, he wasn’t the most prolific poster though. I checked Adam’s too, see if they had posted anything when Zack was there, but nope, Adam only posted about games. Sighing I flicked through my feed with lazy swipes, half listening to Luke’s phone call and legal jargon.