by Nicola Lowe
It seemed as though there had been an impromptu work night out. I was seeing lots of tipsy looking photos taken in the bar around the corner from work last night, people often went for a quick drink at five thirty, and occasionally it progressed. Looked like it had been a crazy night, I flicked through the pictures nosily until I got to one and froze.
It was selfie Anna had taken; she did love a good selfie. I’d always thought she was a bit of a bitch, she thought she was so superior with her bloody law degree. Zack and her were in the same team, so I had to smile and be polite. There she was grinning into the camera, but only filling a portion of the screen which wasn’t like her. She’d done it on purpose, because filling the background was Zack… with his tongue down a girl’s throat. She was petite and blonde, wearing an impossibly short skirt. His hand was above her knee. She was touching his hair, his hair that I loved. For some reason that made me angrier than anything else.
All these games - this was why I’d wanted to stay single. Screw him. I pressed on the heart to like the picture. Screw Anna too, she’d done this on purpose. Let them know I’d seen it. I took a screenshot of the evidence and threw the phone down again, Luke glanced my way as he carried on talking.
“I’m going to get us good coffee, back soon,” I whispered as I stroked my fingers over his hand, grabbing my bag on the way.
I walked to Starbucks in a daze. Half tempted to detour to the office and tell Zack he was a twat to his face. But was kissing a random blonde any worse than me kissing Luke? Probably not. If I wanted to be with Luke, this was the opportunity, but I didn’t know what I wanted. This wasn’t a nice feeling.
Had Zack had taken that girl back to our house? He wouldn’t, would he?
He was infuriating, the way he got so angry and jealous. Now he was blanking me like I was nothing. I knew I’d been far from perfect, but at least I was honest about it, didn’t get caught in a random selfie.
I let myself back into the hotel room half an hour later with two large caramel coffee creations. “Are you alright?” Luke asked.
“Yep, you?”
“You left your phone on the bed. Cassie rang, so I answered. Then I saw that photo…”
I sighed. “It’s no worse than what I’ve been doing is it? He might as well make the most of being on a break I guess.”
“I don’t think you mean that. Is he still not answering your calls?”
“Nope,” I replied. “And I’m not trying again. He’s going away tomorrow, so perhaps I leave him alone like you said.”
“Why don’t you go and stay with Cassie? Be better than being here. She won’t mind, you two need to talk.” Luke suggested.
“That makes me sad.” I looked down and pulled a sad face.
“What?” Luke looked confused.
“I wanted you to ask me to come and stay with you…”
“Lily, I don’t think you know what you want right now, I don’t want to complicate your life anymore than it already is.” Luke replied, sweet as ever.
“We missed all the ‘right’ times. Maybe, this is our chance and if we don’t take it, we’ll regret it forever? Take me home… as yours.” I took hold of his hand in mine. He didn’t speak, he pulled me closer and pressed a deep kiss to my lips. No turning back…
Eighteen
I couldn’t keep my eyes off Luke as we checked out of the hotel. The sense of my life shifting filled me with apprehension as I settled into the passenger seat of Luke’s sleek, black car. Not the one I had scratched a few years back.
“Let’s go,” he grinned as we headed towards the motorway, onto the familiar route back. I loved Luke’s house, it was a Victorian semi-detached in a nice road, neat and well looked after. When Luke gave up the flat for me, he had ended up staying with his parents for an extra few months. Which gave him chance to save a deposit and buy this place. At first glance, the interior was blatantly a bachelor pad, stylish and expensive, kind of like Luke. Just as he had an aura of friendliness though, the house had its own welcome atmosphere.
Luke unlocked the dark blue front door and took my bag from me. I stepped into the familiar hallway and kicked off my boots, as I’d done a thousand times. This time was different though, the enormity of realising that we were alone, properly completely alone, with nothing to stop us going as far as wanted, sent heady mixes of desire, fear and tension running through me. We were still in the hallway. “You look worried,” said Luke.
I sucked in a sharp breath and focused myself. “Just thinking, about what we are maybe about to do… and how big a deal that is. You know… all the stuff.” I looked down at the polished wooden floor.
He lifted my chin up so I was looking up into his eyes, which were full of mischief. “Are we doing all the stuff, Lily? Nearly killed me to stop this morning.”
My eyes flicked between his repeatedly, I was blinking too much. Luke looked serene and calm. I couldn’t think of what to say, or what to do. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. He leaned down to me and tucked my hair behind my ear, whispering to me. “Do you want to?”
I shivered as his lips grazed my ear before journeying down to my neck. My eyes closed under the sensation. The hall was narrow, and he pressed me back against the wall with one hand as his other began to pull at my top. “You aren’t normally lost for words. In fact, you’ve been pretty vocal about this lately. Just say if you want me to stop…” He was whispering into my ear again and I twisted my head around, wanting his kisses back on my mouth.
All I could think was of Luke and me, how long our chemistry had been building up to this moment. How he smelled of the ocean and pure invigorating oxygen, how his skin was so warm to the touch and so, so soft. How this was basically, inevitable.
“Please don’t stop.” I unbuttoned his shirt as he threw my own top to the floor. We moved to the stairs, trapped in a savage kiss that neither of us could break. Luke turned me around as we reached the top, kissing along my hairline, leaving goosebumps all over me as his hands undid my bra and dropped it to the floor. Then before I could take another breath, he pulled me back to face him.
“Still so quiet, Lily?” He slid his finger all the way down my spine, one hand kept me still while the other tugged my jeans and underwear down, following his own. I felt all of his bare skin, pressed against mine. We were wholly naked, and perfectly lost in each other.
My heart felt as though it would burst out of my chest as he led me to the bed. I’d been in this bed before, I’d slept in it side by side with Luke multiple times, but this was utterly different.
He leaned back against the soft, plush headboard and pulled me up. My legs straddled around him, as my kisses touched his forehead, his chin, his nose. I was entranced. I couldn’t contemplate how this had not happened sooner, it felt preordained. His hands scratched roughly down my back, drawing me even closer in. A flurry of anxiety shot through my stomach, I realised how inexperienced I was compared to him.
Luke shook his head from side to side, disrupting my kisses and focusing me on his face. I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I felt like words were just meaningless in the midst of all this, our bodies were saying more than my three little words ever could. I opened my eyes, instantly falling in love all over again as those beautiful, never ending pools of blue drank me in. It had to be now, it had to be, I absolutely ached for him.
He reached into the drawer beside the bed. “No offence Lily. but that screwed up packet you pulled out of your bag this morning looked a little past it’s best.”
I lifted myself up as he put the condom on, I’d never felt nerves like this in my life. Then Luke’s hands firmly held my hips as he drove himself inside of me. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my face into the beautiful spot where his neck became his shoulder, I couldn’t breathe. I’d never experienced anything this intense.
I was putty in his hands, as he held me and moved me where he wanted. He seemed to sense from my breath and my kisses exactly what I wanted and needed; no sound passed
my lips. I was unable to think about anything except the feel of him inside of me. It was over so fast, yet at the same time lasted forever, we’d waited so long. As soon as he felt me tense against him, my fingers gripping at him, he let himself go too. Face to face, skin against skin, eyes locked to each other, fingers laced together, we stayed like that for an age, placing soft, tender kisses on each other’s mouths. I couldn’t bear to move, I wanted him inside me forever.
The room was so quiet as the late afternoon sun floated in through the white curtains. Luke stroked my hair as I held onto him. I studied his face, he looked much more relaxed.
“I never would’ve imagined spending the afternoon like this.” I said, not wanting to break the spell.
I thought back over what had happened, it was so different to being with Zack. I don’t know what I had expected, they were completely different people. Luke was such a gentleman in daily life, I guess a darker side came out in the bedroom and I liked it, he took command of me and I loved feeling powerless with him. I trusted him with my life, he had shown me he was worthy of it after all.
“I spent a lot, and I mean a lot of time imagining what that’d be like,” Luke confessed.
“I think you should tell me more.” I said, running my hand up and down his chest in long, lazy strokes.
“Let’s just say, every eventuality I came up with in my mind, was nowhere near as incredible as that was. But… in an effort to make you happy I can act them all out with you?”
I rolled my eyes and smiled. “I was worried it’d feel strange, being with my best friend like that, but no… there aren’t words for how that felt.”
He kissed me with absolute tenderness, I was desperate to feel him again, but he stood up. “I’m going to go and cook us some dinner, then we can decide what to do.”
I couldn’t keep my eyes off him as he got dressed and I think he knew it. I loved seeing parts of his body I hadn’t noticed before, subtle tan lines that were barely visible, little ripples of muscle as he stretched. I lay in the bed, feeling totally satiated, and desperate for round two.
Music began to play downstairs and I could hear the familiar sound of Luke prepping in the kitchen. I wanted him to want me, constantly, like I did him. I wanted to be irresistible to him, to spiral out of control together. I put on one of his shirts and left the rest of me naked, my hair loose and messed up from being with him as I padded down the stairs.
Luke had left me a glass of wine on the worktop; I took it gladly and sat on a stool, watching him. He was such a good cook and had always despaired of my habits like left over pizza or toasties for a full week. “What are you making?” I asked, frustrated he hadn’t noticed me.
“I’m hoping Stroganoff is still on your favourite list, because that’s what I’m making.” he said, concentrating on a pan.
“It is when you make it,” I answered. “Magic touch in the kitchen.” Infuriatingly he still hadn’t looked at me. “Not just in the kitchen…”
He glanced over to smile, then did a double take. Got you! Turning the hob down he crossed over to me and kissed me roughly, his knee slid between my legs to part them. “Lily… you have to prepare me if you’re going to walk in looking like that. I’m going to burn the food…” He rubbed his knee against me, still making me long for more of him. “Food, then you can continue that thought. I’m making sure you eat properly, no arguments.” He kissed the tip of my nose as he returned to the pan.
Everything felt flawless as we ate together. We laughed and talked like we always had. The food was so good, and this all came with the added bonus of shared touches, a brief squeeze of a hand, a kiss on the lips as a plate was handed over, legs tangled together through the meal. It felt so natural and so good, I had no problem ignoring the outside world. It pained me to think of it afterwards, but I didn’t think of Zack.
“What shall we do tonight then?” I knew he was teasing me. I still longed to know how much he wanted me, and he wasn’t going to admit it, I could tell.
“Watch the news, cup of tea in bed, straight to sleep?” I tried to keep as straight a face as I could. Neither of us wanted to cave and be the one to admit what we both knew was a certainty tonight.
“It’s certainly an option…” He watched me, the intensity of the air between us felt dangerous and flammable. “You asked me once, how I held back from kissing you when we used to turn the lights off and dance. Maybe we should do that again?”
“Would you show the same restraint though?” I asked.
“Would you want me to?” He shrugged and smiled. “You aren’t dressed for dancing, but let’s see what happens.”
He led me to the living room, swiping at his phone for a minute as music began to play from speakers ensconced around the room. I smiled as I recognised the song from a long-forgotten playlist that we used to share. The lights automatically turned down and began to pulse in time with the music. I rolled my eyes. “You are such a boy, is that a new gadget?”
He nodded and pulled me against him. I felt breathless with anticipation. “I learned a lot about you this afternoon. You don’t hold back. I knew exactly what you wanted. You don’t sound fake like most girls do, trying to speak or act a certain way.” My knees turned to jelly at his words, my pupils dilated with both the darkness of the room and the desire for him. “You are utterly honest, wonderful and sexy as hell. I want to touch and know and love every, single, beautiful inch of your body … what do you say?” I couldn’t speak, nobody had ever had that power over me. “What happened earlier, that was like an amuse bouche. You have no idea what else I have in store for you. I needed you right away, but now we can take our time.”
I blinked at him, nodding, knowing I was his. Totally his.
I winced at the bright sunshine inching through the curtains as my eyes opened the next morning. I felt Luke’s warm body as I reached behind me and exhaled with relief – It had been real. I twisted around to cuddle him, wincing as I did, He’d worn me out. I was exhausted and sore, but every ache made me shiver and smile with the memory of how amazing it had been, and exactly what had caused that ache.
Luke shifted in the bed as I cuddled him, waking from sleep. I stayed quiet and still, wanting to see how this would be, not knowing how this would be. The newness of it so exhilarating.
“Good morning.” His voice was gravelly and so sexy.
“Morning,” this felt surreal, but so good I couldn’t stand the torment of it, every nerve in my body was on overdrive. I’d been awake less than a minute and I was desperate for him all over again. “Are you OK?” I asked.
“Mmhmm, just tired,” he answered. “The best kind of tired though.”
I kissed across his shoulder and down the top of his arm. “I don’t think I can walk.” I smiled as I lay against him.
“Then stay here with me,” he squeezed me tighter to him. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I nuzzled into his shoulder and breathed in the scent of him once more, my eyes closing in happiness, the feeling of fulfilment flowing through my mind.
The next I knew, I was alone. Glancing at my phone I saw it was gone lunchtime. I sat up quickly and winced as my thighs ached. What had he done to me? I hoped he was going to do it again! I picked up a note that was on the bedside table next to me, admiring Luke’s gorgeous handwriting that I knew so well from work.
I couldn’t bring myself to wake you, you looked so beautiful.
Had to be at work, but ring me when you’re up, we can meet in Starbucks?
I love you – feel a bit like I am dreaming right now Lily-flower xx
I hobbled to the shower grinning like a love-sick teenager, letting the steaming hot water ease my muscles. Stretching my jaw from side to side to ease the ache there too as my fingers untangled the matted hair at the back of my head.
I still only had the pitiful clothing selection with me, so grabbed one of Luke’s softest t-shirts, putting it on with my jeans. Even this made me happy, like a little badge that I wa
s his. Picking up the phone to call Luke, the lack of messages or calls from either Cassie or Zack was not a surprise.
“Here,” said Luke. Sliding one of his expensive vitamin tablets over the Starbucks table an hour later, as he swallowed his own. “I’ll get you looking after yourself, one way or another.”
“I need to go buy clothes,” I announced as I finished my caramel macchiato, it had to be that drink. “Don’t want to go back home for more.”
Luke smiled and stroked my hand across the table. “You look good in mine to be fair.”
I laughed. “Shall I wait until you finish work? I might even let you pick some of them, want to play dress up?” I teased.
Late that evening we arrived back at Luke’s house laden down with bags. Clothes, make up, shoes, pyjama’s, lingerie. He had helped me choose everything and I couldn’t wait to wear it all for him. Although it betrayed every feminist idea I had ever thought of, I wanted to be his ultimate fantasy and I couldn’t grasp my feelings.
Luke pulled me onto his knee as we cuddled up on the couch. “I spoke to Guy this afternoon. He knows what’s going on. Want to go over there together on Saturday? Try to get back on track with Cassie? Never known you two fall out like this.”
I nodded and leaned into him, feeling his chest rise and fall in a soft rhythm. I was dreading each day passing, I knew there were tough conversations and decisions in the future. Zack would be in Iceland now, was he tucked up in bed with another blonde? I closed my mind to it and focused on the feeling of Luke.
Nineteen
It felt a peculiar mix of mundane and alien as Cassie opened the front door on Saturday afternoon. She had a strained smile on her face, I saw her glance down, at our entwined hands.
“It’s so good to see you both. Lovely weather too. So glad you could make it. Guy is busy in the kitchen, I hope you like the food, of course you’ll like the food. Luke, he could probably do with a hand though. You should’ve been a chef you know.” she garbled.