by Nicola Lowe
“Cassie!” I interrupted. “Relax, take a breath.”
Luke kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll go and help Guy.” I smiled, touching my cheek where I could still feel him, the novelty of it still enthralled me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Cassie frown.
We watched each other warily. “How are things?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Amazing but utterly screwed up, all at once. How about you?”
“Heartbroken to be honest.” she admitted.
We went into the living room and I wrapped her into a hug on the couch. “Tell me what the doctor said.”
“It’s what I thought. Primary Ovarian Insufficiency. Give it a fancy name, doesn’t make it any better. I’m a menopausal, dried up, old maid basically.” Her eyes leaked delicate tears as she spoke, I wiped them away.
“You are not, you’re radiant and full of life. When we googled that, it seemed to say they could freeze your remaining eggs and you could use them like IVF. Is that the plan?”
She shook her head. “They gave me these hormones that stimulate the ovaries or something, to release the eggs so they could get them. But…they weren’t viable. It’s not an option.”
I held her close as she cried, not able to imagine the anguish this was causing her. “My mum doesn’t even get it,” she sobbed as she continued. “She said at least I had the girls so not to worry. Guy hasn’t said as much but I think he feels the same.”
“Cassie he’ll be worried about you.”
“I feel insane. They aren’t grieving, because we haven’t lost anyone. But I’m grieving the babies I never got to have. Is that stupid?”
She was shaking as I held her, her head pressed into me, leaving wet skin on my collarbone. Luke sent me a reassuring look from the kitchen, before going back to a chopping board.
“It’s not stupid, don’t say that. It’s completely understandable. You grieve, you take all the time you need, let people think what they like.”
“Sod it, let’s get drunk.” She jumped up and grabbed a bottle and two glasses.
“That’s my limit of talking about it. I’m done.” she announced. “Can we talk about why your boyfriend turned up here screaming and now you and Luke are all kissy-kissy?”
“I told Zack about Luke kissing me.” I exhaled as I prepared for the emotional onslaught. “He went mad, forbade me from ever seeing Luke again. Which turned into a big fight and he stormed out, spent the night with Adam, I think. He came back the next day, after he’d been here, and said he wanted a break. Didn’t even try to stop me when I left.”
“Shit! Is that why he was looking for Luke? He knew about the kiss?”
I nodded. “He won’t answer my calls, haven’t heard anything from him.”
“Lily, don’t get mad. But is jumping into bed with Luke going to help this situation? In any way?”
“Zack wanted a break Cassie, so he’s getting a break.” I thrust my phone towards her, with the tongue action photo of Zack and a blonde on screen, zoomed in for good measure.
She bit her lip as she looked at the photo. “When was this taken?”
“The same day I left. He’s in Iceland now with work. I dread to think what he’s doing.”
“Or who he’s doing,” exclaimed Cassie. “Sorry, that was thoughtless. Listen, I think he’s hurt, feeling betrayed. Men act stupid when they’re hurt. He’ll know you’re with Luke.”
“He pushed me to Luke.” I hadn’t realised that until I said it out loud.
“Do you think this is helping though? Are you with Luke for good now? What are you doing about this break with Zack? Everyone is going to get hurt.” She didn’t mean to lecture me, but it felt like I was in trouble with a teacher.
“I have no idea. No idea. Why didn’t you just let me be a crazy cat lady? Then you could’ve borrowed my ovaries, no problem.” I downed the wine as I made the flippant comment, not thinking anything of it. Cassie’s eyes zeroed in on me in.
“Let’s just clone them into one.” Cassie suggested.
“Cloning makes more of them, that’s the last thing I need. You mean merge them into one?”
“Yeah! Zuke!!! Or Lack… no! Definitely Zuke.”
Luke walked in and grabbed me up off the couch. “Food’s ready! What are you two going on about?”
We sat at the outdoors table to eat, enjoying the sun and seeing Ruby and Emilia chase each other around the beautiful garden. There was a tension though, all four of us avoided any contentious subjects, of which there seemed to be plenty at the moment.
I didn’t even know where to begin processing how the next week would go, and I felt sick every time I thought of seeing Zack at work on Monday. It had been nice, pottering about Luke’s house while he worked, but I couldn’t afford to lose my job, I needed to go back.
Luke was twitchy all day on Sunday, but in an excited way. I was dreading the weekend being over, but he seemed to have a surprise planned. It got to two in the afternoon, when he grabbed my hands, smiling.
“You trust me, don’t you?”
“Yes… why?” I asked, intrigued.
“Go have a long bath, take a glass of wine, a book, don’t come down until I shout, promise? And don’t look out the window.” He grinned, with a sparkle in his eyes.
“Hmm. Is this your way of telling me I need a bath?” I asked,
“Course not, you smell sexy as hell. I’ll shout you soon, go on, shoo.” He ushered me towards the staircase.
Lying in the hot bubbly water, I could hear banging and clattering outside. What was he doing? The bath was good, but I’d rather be in it with Luke than here on my own. Eventually, after what felt like forever, Luke shouted up. “Come down in ten minutes!”
I dried my skin, fingers and toes like prunes and put on a deep blue dress that Luke had chosen when we were shopping. My bare feet were silent on the soft, cream carpet of the stairs as I tiptoed down like a child on Christmas morning.
My breath caught in my throat as I peered around the living room door. Flickering candles adorned every surface, highlighting the dusky wallpaper that Luke and I had agonised over in John Lewis.
The air smelled beautiful, I recognised it as my favourite Pomegranate Noir candle. I’d never told Luke it was my favourite, but it was so like him to have paid enough attention to know. I felt myself tear up as it struck me once again just how much Luke loved me, how much he’d been through. I was imprinted all over the house, thinking back we had chosen almost everything together, painted walls together, why had I never spotted how like a couple we were?
I glanced around, feeling a little guarded. Luke knew I was still jumpy about people catching me unawares and I was confident he wouldn’t do that to me, but an element of fear still plagued me. I saw a note on the coffee table, leant up against a champagne bucket.
A streak of desire flashed through me as I unfolded the thick paper, noticing Luke’s beautiful handwriting. It was sad that people didn’t write letters now, how I’d adore letters of love in his script.
I’m yours, always x
My heart swelled as I read the words, but at the same time it ached that a love so great was being shared.
Underneath the note was a shoe box. Nothing excited me like a shoe box! Especially this shoe box. A white top with black edges and base. Glossy and strong. Five magical letters spelling one of my favourite words… Gucci…
I teased the lid open, rubbing the tissue paper between my fingers with a smile. A smile that grew wider as I unwrapped the amazing heels that I’d been lusting over the other day with Luke. They were stupidly expensive. They were spectacular. They were mine! I ran my finger down the beautiful sole as I felt Luke’s breath behind me.
“I just wanted to do something special for you.”
I put the box down and jumped straight into Luke’s arms. “They’re beautiful, this is beautiful. You’re beautiful.” A giddy laugh escaped my lips as I kissed him. “I love being here.”
“I love you being here.” Luke smi
led as he watched me put the shoes on. “They look perfect, I knew they would. Shall I?” He gestured at the champagne bottle and I nodded. As if I was going to say no to champagne.
“Did you go back for them? You shouldn’t have spent so much.” I was glad he had though!
Luke blushed. “I’m not trying to be flashy or anything. I could see how much you wanted them. If you’d loved the cheap one’s I would’ve got them instead.” He grinned, pushing the cork out of the champagne with a familiar pop. Handing me a glass of fizzing bubbles, he spoke. “This part of the surprise looks a little luxurious I admit. But I hope you like my plans for this evening, they aren’t quite as fancy.”
“I’m intrigued, tell me more.”
“If I describe it, it sounds rubbish, so I want you to see it. Wait here, five minutes and I will come get you.” He looked excited as he kissed me before disappearing to the kitchen, taking the champagne bucket and his own glass.
I couldn’t keep still as I waited. Longest five minutes ever! The bubbles from the champagne were fizzing in my stomach alongside my anticipation. Luke returned with a black scarf and blew the candles out.
“You got my favourite candles too.” I smiled at him.
“Can you behave and keep your eyes closed, or shall I put this on?” he asked as he proffered the scarf towards me.
“God, this is mysterious!” I turned around so he could tie the scarf over my eyes. “I can’t behave, so go ahead. You aren’t trying to take advantage of me, are you?”
“Don’t need a blindfold for that.” I felt him take hold of both of my hands and lead me through the kitchen. “Careful on the steps.” Warm, fresh air hit my face and I guessed that Luke was leading me down the path into his back garden. A few more steps and I heard the swish of what sounded like canvas, Luke’s strong hands were on my shoulders. “I’m taking it off now.” He sounded like a child with an amazing surprise, and I was reminded again of how I loved his enthusiasm and zest. He was melting my heart.
I opened my eyes and blinked at the beautiful sight that greeted me. We were in a white, tepee style tent which I knew must take up most of the garden. There were eight wooden poles that slanted upwards to create the peak of the roof and each of them had strings and strings of warm, white rice lights entwined around, giving the inside of the tepee an amazing, luminescent glow. On the far side I saw a den, an assortment of soft blankets, beautiful silk pillows, faux fur throws, and cushions of beautiful colours, creating a beautiful place to sit or lie. Next to Luke and I was a large tray, housing the champagne and all my favourite snacks. Luke knew my favourite everything.
I looked up at his earnest face. “Do you like it?”
“I love it! Can we live like this?” I looked around again, transfixed by how dazzling everything was, Luke included. The soft glow from the lights grew more luscious by the minute.
“When I was travelling, I spent a night like this in the desert. I wished so much you were there to see it. So, I decided to recreate it, as best I could anyway.” He ran his hand through his hair looking abashed. “Would you spend the night in here with me?”
“I would spend forever in here with you.” He kissed me as we stepped forwards towards the blankets and pillows. Within seconds we were naked and coiled up together, the feel of his body and all the different materials driving me insane.
Time felt endless as we lay together, looking up at the lights, almost like tiny stars in a beautiful sky, not needing to say a word. We spent an age consuming the food, the drink and each other, the air inside the tepee warm and invigorating.
“What are you thinking about?” asked Luke, as he traced his finger lazily around my bellybutton.
I smiled at him. “Just how perfect this is, it’s like nothing else exists right now.”
“I wish we could stay like this. I wish I knew this was going to turn out right.” He closed his eyes and rested his head against me.
“Nobody ever knows what’s around the corner for them Luke, that’s not only us.” I tried to reassure him, but sadly I knew exactly what he meant.
“I think, I should never let you leave.” He pressed his lips to mine again. “I’ll keep you here as my prisoner.” The kisses moved down my neck and across my collarbone. “You’d be the best kept prisoner in the world, I promise. I’d lavish you with food and wine and love and attention.” He flipped me over onto a soft, silky pillow, which I buried my face in. My breaths coming fast as his lips glanced light kisses from the nape of my neck down to the base of my spine, before making their back up and whispering in my ear. “Please stay with me, Lily.” Then he sucked all the breath out of me once again as I heard him rip open a foil packet. I sighed happily, already in love with what he was about to do.
Afterwards, I lay with my head on his chest, his heart beating quickly in my ear as my own continued to race alongside it. He took a long, deep breath. “Is it like that with him, Lily? Honestly?”
I closed my eyes, knowing this wasn’t a good conversation to have. “It’s not that simple to answer. It’s different, you’re different people.”
“You’re avoiding the question. I wonder, the way we feel about each other, the way we are together, it can’t be that special twice over.” Luke sounded torn in two as he spoke.
“Luke, I know we can talk about anything, but really, you don’t want the intimate details in your head.” I said, nervous at where this was going.
“Maybe I need to, to understand how this… isn’t enough.”
I leaned forwards and rubbed at my tense face. “What are you asking for? Comparisons? Score boards? Why do you want to know? You think I don’t wonder how many girls you slept with while you were travelling? I mean, look at you, everywhere we go you could have any girl in the room, and I’m guessing that you did for a while?”
Luke sighed and dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t suppose I do want to know really. I drive myself mad with it.”
I felt a tear slide down my cheek and splash onto my chest. “I just don’t want to hurt anybody.”
He sat up and brushed my tears away with his fingers. “I’m petrified of you going to work tomorrow, of him being there.”
“I am too Luke, but I have to.”
“You don’t. I have enough money, just quit. You don’t have to go back.” Luke’s eyes were troubled as he spoke.
“I do have to. I can’t sit around here, living off you. I have a job, a house, friends. I’m meant to be making Zack’s mum a birthday cake next weekend. I can’t abandon my life and move here to be your housewife figure, Luke.” I sighed.
“That’s not what I meant. I just meant, you don’t have to worry about money while you find another job, closer, away from him.”
“Almost exactly a year ago, he was saying the same to me, not wanting me to work with you.” I said.
“And you moved for him.” Luke watched me, his eyes guarded.
“After you left Luke, in case you didn’t spot that. You left. Not me.” I stood up and slipped my dress over my head.
“I’m sorry, stupid time to bring this up. I didn’t mean to upset you. Come back, Lily. I’m worried, that’s all. Ignore me.”
“I notice you avoided the how many girls question.” I gave him a small smile, sitting back down as he wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t be mad at him.
“Yep, and I always will.” Luke smiled and kissed my forehead softly.
Twenty
This was definitely not in my head. People were glancing at me as they walked past my desk. Maybe it was the new dress and the fact I was wearing the stunning Gucci shoes? Thinking back to the Instagram post though, I guessed not.
I sipped at my now cold coffee and tried to focus on my inbox which was overflowing after my time off. A peel of laughter rang out from the staff room and I closed my eyes, I wished everything didn’t make me paranoid.
“Hi,” I winced involuntarily as I heard Zack’s voice speak to me.
I looked up at him, all stubbl
y and sexy. It was really annoying when I was so mad at him.
“You can speak? Who knew?” I stared at him, defiant.
“Why are you all dressed up?” He looked over the desk at my new dress, my feet were tucked out of view.
“Because I left our house with one tiny bag and had to buy new stuff. Is this the place to have this conversation?” I asked.
“No. I wanted to ask if you’d meet me at lunch. I can book a meeting room.”
“Who said romance was dead? Fine. You could’ve messaged me to ask that.” I began typing gibberish into an open email, just to look busy.
“I wanted to make sure you were actually here. Later.” He walked off. Twat!
I must have looked in a foul mood as nobody bothered me all morning. I messaged Luke to let him know I was OK. Cassie had gone on radio silence again which was weird, I thought we’d resolved our issue.
All too soon it was lunchtime, I headed upstairs, admiring my shoes all the way in the glass bannister.
Zack looked me up and down as I walked in, it put me on edge.
“Nice shoes.”
I didn’t give him the courtesy of a reply.
“I figured you’d come back to the house while I was away, but nothing had moved when I got back.” His voice still had anger in it.
“Why would I go back when you were so glad to see me go?” I snapped.
“I wasn’t glad. I was angry.”
“You didn’t try to stop me, you didn’t ask where I was, you wouldn’t answer your phone. What the hell was I supposed to think?” I tried to keep my voice down, conscious that we were at work. “What’s this breath, this break meant to be?”
He shrugged. “Have you been with him?”
I pulled my phone out of my bag, ready for this. “Yes, I have. Not at first, but when I saw this - I figured I should embrace the break in the same way you were.” I slid it across the desk towards him.
He sighed as he looked at it. “I told Anna to take it down. She did it on purpose.”