The Missed Kiss

by Nicola Lowe

  “Thank you,” I replied, gulping the hot coffee she had given me. It was too hot to drink but the distraction of the burning sensation on my lips was helping me. “Can you please do something for me?”

  “Of course.” Cassie replied as she squeezed my knee softly.

  I pulled two of the memory cards out of my handbag, the third one was hidden at home, at the back of my wardrobe. I didn’t know if I’d ever look at the contents again, but I wanted to know the option was available to me. “Can you please look after one of these, forever for me, in case I ever need or want it?” Cassie nodded at me. “The other is for Luke, if he wants it, it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t, please don’t tell me either way. Every photo, message, ‘us’ I have from my phone. I can’t keep them there, I can’t pretend it didn’t happen either so…”

  “I can do that,” she said. “Are you OK? You don’t seem it?”

  I felt desensitised, tears ran down my cheeks, my body suffering through the physical motions of this grief, but my mind wasn’t in sync with it. I wasn’t sobbing, or consciously feeling those tears, I was detached from them. “I don’t know,” I replied. “I’m not bothered about me to be honest. Is Luke OK?”

  “He will be, I’ll make sure.”

  “I’m going to go now.” I said as I stood, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but here. Luke’s house was a few minutes’ walk away, I couldn’t be this close.

  “Stay for a while, we can talk, we can eat full tubs of ice cream, whatever you need.” Cassie offered.

  I shook my head and wiped the fresh tears away. “I need to go. I’m taking the clothes to the charity shop on my way back, I can’t take them home.”

  “Not the shoes?!”

  I looked at Cassie in confusion. “All of it, too many memories.”

  “But they’re Gucci!” Cassie looked at me, as if this fact would alter my opinion.

  “Do you want them? You can have them, just don’t wear them when you’re with me.”

  “Yes, you cannot send Gucci to the charity shop!” Cassie smiled, and a little, lonesome light came on inside me.

  I smiled back and she pulled me into a tight hug as I whispered to her. “You need to know; I had a lot of sex wearing those shoes.”

  She pushed me away from her, laughing whilst she pretended to gag. “We still come back to the same point, Gucci! Why don’t you keep them, put them away safe? You won’t always feel like you do now, I saw a smile then, that’s progress.”

  As I drove back home, autopilot kicked in once again. I watched myself, halfway home, stop at a charity shop and leave all the beautiful, expensive clothes that Luke and I had bought together. All except the shoes which I knew could also find a home at the back of my wardrobe.

  I saw a reflection of myself in the window, tear streaked make up, pale, vacant eyed and definitely too thin. The staff in the shop may have thought I was insane, but I didn’t care. I stood there for ten minutes, watching myself. I needed to do what I had done before, compartmentalise this. I needed to focus on Zack. He didn’t deserve one more ounce of hurt from me. He’d been so patient with me, but I couldn’t carry on like this.

  An hour later, I walked into our home. Inside I felt the same, but I knew I needed to try to fix our relationship. I’d cleaned my face and stopped to buy fresh bread and coffee, which I handed to Zack with a smile as he kissed my cheek.

  “I was thinking,” I began. “Maybe we could go on a date date tonight?”

  Zack’s face lit up into a smile. “I’d love that. I’m so worried about you, about us.”

  I thought back to Cassie’s words about her own heartbreak. It was a grieving process she was right. “Zack, there’ll be good days and bad days, but as long as we both want this, we’ll be OK.”

  Loving two people was brutal, I hadn’t asked for it, but I hadn’t been able to stop it.

  I knew I needed to focus on what was in front of me. I still had more than most people are ever lucky enough to, right here with me, holding my hand. A man who adored me. A man I loved. A man who would build our future alongside me.

  That night, I slipped the memory card into my beautiful shoe box and pressed it to the back of the wardrobe. I made a promise to the universe, “Next life Luke. It’s me and you. We’ll find each other. I promise.”

  Zack’s face broke into a contented smile as I came back downstairs wearing the red dress that he loved so much, the red dress that reminded us both of the wedding and everything that had passed between us during that weekend.

  I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly, burying my face into the crook of his neck and taking deep breaths, as much as I might be missing another… Zack was everything to me as well.

  “I love you so much.” I whispered as his hands stroked my arms.

  “I love you more Lily. Come on, date date time.” He grinned and took my hand as we headed out of our front door together. We had so much future ahead of us, just waiting to be written.

  Afterword

  I hope you enjoyed reading The Missed Kiss as much as I loved bringing it to life. When my early readers read the story, I was amazed to find a fifty-fifty split between people who preferred Zack and people who preferred Luke. I’m as bad as Lily, my preference changes by the day!

  I would love it if you let me know your favourite via socials or email (details on About the Author). Who knows… it may even affect their future!

  Team Zack, Team Luke, or even Team Lily? Was she better alone?

  There are many more stories to come - I promise that Lily, Zack and Luke’s journey isn’t over. Watch out for updates on the sequel. (Sneaky peek in the next couple of pages!)

  Lastly, as an independent, debut author, it would mean the world to me if you could leave a review on Amazon and Goodreads. I want to continue writing, I have so many potential books in my head, just waiting to spill out onto pages for you all.

  About the Author

  Nicola lives in North West England with her family. She has three daughters, and therefore will never be rich or sane but does have a house full of hormones and hair bobbles!

  Turning forty during lockdown spurred her to pursue her dream of writing. Once she began, she realised she couldn’t stop.

  Like her characters, she loves a glass of wine with her best friends, but sadly cannot walk in gorgeous designer heels!

  www.nloweauthor.com nlowe.writing@gmail.com

  Book Two Sneak Peek

  Why had it seemed a good idea to come to the zoo on the hottest day of the year, slap bang in the middle of the school holidays? My nerves were frayed from making sure Ruby and Emilia didn’t get lost or dangle over the Black Bear enclosure. There were so many people milling around, oblivious to being completely in the way, it was making me super tense. Being responsible for two children for a full weekend was far more stressful than anyone had warned me. Cassie, my best friend since high school, was far from a helicopter parent but she seemed to take all of this in her stride.

  I smiled with relief as I saw Zack heading back towards us with ridiculously big ice creams. The girls ran to get their treats, and I pointed them towards a shady patch under a large tree. Thankfully I’d remembered sunscreen, it was like the sun knew how stressed I was going to be and wanted to just add to it with August temperatures exceeding twenty-six degrees.

  Zack took a seat on a wooden bench, carved with beautiful animal figures, just a metre away from where the girls sat comparing whose ice cream was the biggest, and which sprinkles were superior. He patted the seat next to him and I sat down slowly. The wood feeling as though it would scorch the bare part of my legs beneath my denim cut off shorts.

  He held his ice cream out to me with a grin. “Want some?”

  I surveyed it, and him, cautiously. “What flavour is it?”

  “Cookies and cream on top, salted caramel underneath. You can even have my flake if you like?”

  The flake was melting as I looked at it, the heat of the sun taking no prisoners today. It
made me feel slightly nauseous. “It’s OK, you have it. Unless they have a wine stand around here somewhere I’m fine.” My eyes darted back to the girls, making sure they hadn’t moved.

  Zack took my hand in his. “They’re fine, they’re having a great time. Everyone is having a great time. You just need to relax.” He shrugged as he slurped at the ice cream, and for the first time I found it irritating rather than endearing.

  “I just want to keep them safe, its more stressful when they’re someone else’s children. More pressure.” I tried to explain.

  “Interesting.” Zack ran a cold finger down my arm. “So, if one day we come back here with our children, you might relax?”

  Ruby and Emilia now had their arms linked together, like a couple with champagne at a wedding, tasting the others’ ice cream. They had the same blonde, bouncing curls and I could see sticky ice cream caught in the ends. I couldn’t help but grin at them, but I think Zack thought I was grinning at him. I may have been doing a good job at pretending all was fine, but inside I was feeling far from it.

  It had only been three weeks since it happened, three weeks since the email from Luke. In fact, tomorrow at about eleven forty in the morning, that would be exactly three weeks since he stepped away from my life. I felt my eyes betray me with tears even as I thought about it. Thank god for Ray Bans hey Lily?

  It was two weeks since I’d gone to Cassie’s to collect my things, then hidden the Gucci shoe box at the back of my wardrobe. I’d sworn to myself that day that I wouldn’t hurt Zack anymore. I’d been slowly teaching myself to put everything that had happened into a back room in my brain, a place I didn’t have to go often. That way it didn’t have to be a sharp, immobilising pain, more of a dull ache and sting that plagued me when I was least expecting. I could barely think Luke’s name, it almost didn’t feel real already.

  “Lily?” Zack was watching me.

  “Sorry! I went in a bit of a daydream. Was just wondering if we would have girls or boys.” It sickened me how easily I lied, I didn’t used to lie to anyone. But I was doing it for him, I tried to reassure myself. If I kept carrying on like everything was fine, it would be.

  Zack pulled me close to him and kissed the top of my head. “Did I tell you how much I love the zoo?” He grinned at me like an excited schoolboy.

  “I think everyone here knows how much you love the zoo Zachary…” I let his name play out on my lips longer than necessary, sliding my sunglasses up into my hair and watching his dark eyes meet mine. “You have been running around faster than the kids.”

  He whispered into my ear, as I continued to watch the girls. “You know how it makes me feel when I get the full title.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.” I leant forwards on the bench, running my hands up the salty heat on the back of my neck and up into my slightly damp, dark ponytail.

  “What time do they go to bed again?” Asked Zack as he motioned towards the girls with a smile.

  I stood up, squeezing his knee as I did so. “Come on, they want to see the sealion show.”

  After being absolutely fleeced at the gift shop we headed home and cooked pasta for everyone. Bedtime was thankfully brief as the girls were exhausted from the long day and the hot weather. Zack and I sank into the huge U-shaped sofa that dominated Cassie’s expensive but homey living room. Two tall fans whirred and span, blasting cold air at us. The August evening was just getting stickier and clammier by the minute.

  “I love them, but they’re exhausting.” Said Zack, his eyes closing for a minute.

  “Absolutely!” I agreed, as I took a long sip of the cold, sharp wine. Cassie had told us to take whatever we wanted from the wine fridge, my life needed a wine fridge. I made a note to myself that if Zack and I ever moved, wine fridge was a must.

  “They’re asleep now though. It’s just me, you and a mini mansion. What could possibly go wrong?” Zack turned his head to me, watching me carefully. Cassie knew we called her place the mini mansion, think she loved it really. The house was huge, decorated so stylishly and located on one of the poshest streets of my hometown.

  Zack looking at me like that set off feelings and sensations that I wasn’t ready for. My body always reacted to him, but my mind was a little more guarded at the moment. I quickly thought back, this was approaching four weeks without having sex now which was completely unheard of for us, four nights was pretty much unheard of to be fair, until now. He hadn’t said anything, but we both knew it was hanging heavily between us.

  Zack and I had been ‘on a break’, then I was with Luke. I just hadn’t been able to face it since I got home. It was as though my body remembered that Luke was the last person who kissed it, touched it, loved it. It scared me to let someone else overwrite that.

  Zack had tried to broach the subject a couple of nights back and I’d just clammed up. He was incredible and it was so like him to be patient and understanding, to put me first and wait until I was ready, but perhaps that just meant the problem was being ignored. Luke wouldn’t have done that, Luke would have just grabbed me and…

  “Lily?”

  As I met Zack’s eyes I could see the worry in them, almost a fear. “Sorry, sorry I was just feeling crap from the heat. What is it with this country? Either boiling or freezing?!”

  Zack smiled and shuffled closer along the plush material. “I know. Guessing it’s too hot for the hot tub?”

  “Definitely. I love the hot tub in winter, when you have to jump out and leg it across the grass into the house before you freeze.” I smiled widely, remembering Cassie and I doing this on many occasions, not just me and Cassie… “Maybe we could just stick our heads back in the wine fridge for half an hour?”

  He took a deep breath and reached out for my hand, wrapping his fingers around mine. “I was thinking maybe, we could just go to bed? Been a while since we had an early night.” My eyes darted between his. I was still ultimately drawn to him, I loved him from the bottom of my soul. I was just also going through deeper grief than I could have imagined. I loved Luke just as much as I loved Zack, and he was gone. My love was gone. My best friend was gone. “We need to get back to me and you Lily.”

  I pressed a soft kiss to his lips, my eyes closed, the taste of the sharp wine mingling between our mouths. “I know.”

  He stood up and took my hand, pulling me up from the deep, squishy couch. “Come with me.”

  I grabbed our long-stemmed wine glasses, Zack smiled as he led me across the sumptuous grey carpet, up the wide staircase and into the spare bedroom. The spare bedroom at Cassie and Guy’s felt as big as the whole downstairs of our house, with its own en-suite, super king size bed and built-in wardrobes with matching shoe racks.

  Zack softly closed the door behind us, conscious not to wake the children. The lights were out but the August sun hadn’t fully set yet, the room was filled with a deep orange light seeping through the wooden shutters. He ran his hand across the exposed skin of my stomach and around to my back, before lifting my cropped white t-shirt over my head. His mouth dipped to my neck and kissed at every crevice as his fingers deftly unfastened my bra and pulled it loose, letting it drop to the floor.

  “This is a look I like on you.” His eyes flashed brightly as he took a step back. His eyes roaming up my bare legs to the cut off denim shots on my thighs, and the naked skin above. “May I?” He asked, as he reached behind me and ran his fingers amongst my long ponytail. I nodded and he pulled the band down the length my hair, his eyes never leaving mine. I shivered slightly as my loose hair hit my skin. He continued to watch me, and I bit my lip nervously. My body was still going absolutely crazy for him, but my mind just couldn’t relax.

  Zack handed me the wine that I’d put down on the bedside table. As I took a deep sip, he slowly undid the button on my shorts, his fingers teasing at the warm skin of my stomach. “You look insanely inviting, you know that?” I shrugged and smiled shyly, feeling more exposed than sexy. There was a moment of silence that lasted just a little too long
. “Am I undressing myself today then?” He asked innocently, but I detected a note of irritation behind it. He knew I wasn’t one hundred per cent with him right now. I knew the same, but I needed to make him think everything was OK. Snap out of it Lily!

  I look forward to sharing the rest of book two with you soon! Keep watching the website and socials for updates. Nicola x