"Yes," Blackie said. "I move we elect Nick mayor of this town."
All them fellers yelled "Aye" and Nick bowed and smiled and said he would try to be a good mayor. Then Al moved Blackie be elected Chief of Police and they passed that, and from then on things got a little too fast to follow. None of us really knowed what was happening, and the Jenkinses and Browns was looking scared and edging toward the door, and Pop was mumbling to himself and Holly was crying. I couldn't make enough noise by myself to drown out them fellers when they voted. Among the things they done was pass a tax of two hundred dollars on every property owner, and they said it had to be paid in two days or you would lose your furniture. They passed another law for a town parking lot that was going to take near about all our land that warn't built on. Them fellers was all laughing and carrying on, and if it hadn't been for Holly I reckon we would have been in a bad way.
She edged up to me and gulped back her sniffles and said, "Toby, everything they're doing is out of order."
"Well," I said, "I am glad to hear that on account of I was getting worried. If you will just tell me why it is out of order, I will ask them to take back all them laws."
"It's out of order because only two of them have the right to vote," Holly said. "Al and Carmine, and those four other men, don't live here. Only Little Nick and Blackie live here and have the right to vote. So we ought to be able to out-vote them seven to two."
"I am real glad you brung that up," I said, "because now we will get things straightened out."
Holly said, "How can you bring a meeting like this to order?"
"I seen you bang on the table to bring it to order. I'll be glad to do it for you, if you say it's all right."
"Oh, it's all right, Toby, but I don't think they'll pay any attention."
"I will give it a try," I said.
All this time I had been holding the rock that had been thrun into our shack. It was as big as my two fists and must have weighed five pounds. I banged on the table with that rock and yelled "Order! Order!" I am not sure them fellers would have stopped and listened because they could make more noise than I could, but I am sorry to say that I warn't watching where I banged that rock, and it come down on the little finger of Carmine's left hand and he let out a howl. Everybody shut up and stared at Carmine who was jumping up and down and sucking on that finger.
"Fellers, fellers!" I said. "Leave us have some quiet around here. I'm real sorry I just mashed Carmine's finger, but if he hadn't been up here in the chair where he hadn't ought to be, it wouldn't have happened. I have got to tell you fellers that nothing you have done is in order, because only folks that live in this here town can vote. All you fellers but Nick and Blackie live in Gulf City and just come out here to work. Nick and Blackie are the only ones that can vote. So I move we put Holly back in the chair and forget everything you fellers have done. All in favor?"
A big yell of "Ayes" and "Noes" went up. I said, "The ayes have it by seven to two, so now we will—"
"Toby!" Holly screamed. "Watch it!"
What had happened while I took that vote was that Carmine dug his brass knuckles out of his pocket and put them on his right hand, which hadn't been mashed none. When I swung around after Holly yelled, I seen Carmine starting to throw a punch at me. Plenty of times, in football, fellers would try to throw a punch at me if they thought the officials warn't looking, or else they would try to give me one of them forearm wallops. It is no fun getting hit like that and I learnt how to duck and take care of myself pretty good. But I didn't have no time to duck Carmine's punch. All I could do was thrun up a hand to block his punch.
Well, I am sorry to say that the hand I thrun up was the one I had the rock in, and Carmine's brass knuckles come whamming into that rock and I reckon he felt the jar up his arm and over his shoulder and right down to his heels. You would have thought he had done as good a howl as a man might do when I mashed his finger a minute earlier, but he had just been warming up and now he was ready to howl.
I didn't have no time to listen to that howl and wonder how far it would carry, because Al come at me with his blackjack. I wanted to get out of the way and didn't want to be carrying no extra weight so I dropped that rock. I am sorry to say it come down on the toes of Al's right foot which he had only a sneaker on, and it kind of bunged up his toes. Al yelled and begun jumping up and down on one foot. I didn't want him getting in no more trouble with that blackjack and anyways I needed something to rap on that table with, so I reached over and took his blackjack and rapped on the table. It turned out there is nothing like a blackjack when you want to rap for order. That place quieted down as nice as you please but for a little moaning from Carmine and Al which I didn't have the heart to say was out of order, because the only things that was really out of order was some of their fingers and toes.
"Folks," I said, "I reckon we will go back to where we was before this meeting got out of order. Holly, you take over the chair again."
Holly whispered to Pop, and Pop said, "I move we elect Toby sergeant-at-arms to keep order." Mr. Jenkins said he would second that motion and even third it on account of it sounded so good to him. Holly called for a vote and I got elected. I felt mighty good about that, because at Fort Dix I never got to be nothing but a private and here I had got to be a sergeant. There was some talking going on, where Blackie and Little Nick and them four other fellers was standing, and Holly asked me either to bring them to order or to clear the room. I pushed over to them. I didn't have no table to rap on so I banged on the floor with the blackjack, and them fellers really moved their feet out of the way fast.
Little Nick backed off, and said to Blackie, "Don't let that baboon come at me with that blackjack."
"I been studying him," Blackie said. "He won't hurt you if you don't startle him with any quick moves."
"All we're trying to do is not get hurt, huh?" Little Nick said. "That's a fine thing for us to come down to."
Blackie said, "It's bad enough to get socked by a guy who means to hit you with a blackjack, but it's worse to get socked by a guy who don't mean to. Because the guy who don't mean it might hit you a lot harder than he needed to. And I been studying this guy. He don't mean to hit anybody, so when he does, it really hurts."
"You're supposed to be a fast guy with a rod," Little Nick said. "What are you scared of?"
"I'm scared of daylight and a lot of witnesses," Blackie said.
"Fellers," I said, "I will have to ask you to keep order and not talk unless the chair says you can."
"O.K., Toby," Blackie said. "Go ahead with your meeting. It'll be a real change to see a law made instead of busted."
So we went ahead with the meeting. Mr. Brown moved we adopt some law around town. Mr. Jenkins said from what he had seen at the meeting he would ruther have some order around town, on account of we had got order real fast when I rapped for it. They talked it over a while and decided they would like to have both of them things, law and order. But then there was a lot of talk about what laws we should have, and nobody was getting nowhere what with all the laws to pick from.
Finally I said, "There are so many laws that we could be here anyway a month passing them. So why don't we just pass one? I move it is agin the law in this town to do things you ought to be ashamed of doing."
Blackie laughed and said, "Who's gonna decide what I ought to be ashamed of doing?"
"Well," I said, "you ought to be the one to decide that. But if you can't, I reckon the rest of us could help you out on it."
"What a law!" Blackie said. "You don't spell out what's wrong and you don't spell out the penalty."
Mrs. Brown said, "I think it's a wonderful law. From what I hear, a lot of trouble comes from trying to put everything you can think of in a law. Because then other folks try to find something you forgot to put in, so that they can do it. If you don't mind my saying such a thing, it's kinda like a three-way stretch girdle that you can fit to things."
"I think so too," Mrs. Jenkins said. "I second Tob
y's law."
Holly called for a vote, and my law got elected. I felt real good about that, because it is not everybody that gets his first law elected. Then Mrs. Brown moved I be elected law officer and I got elected that too. After that we closed up the meeting and folks come around shaking my hand. Blackie come up to me too, and brung out a badge from his pocket and pinned it on my shirt.
"There you are, Toby," he said. "Now you have a star like a real live deputy, and I only hope you stay that way. Alive, I mean."
"I'm real obliged," I said. "But I hope you didn't take this off no deputy sheriff when he warn't looking."
"The sheriff of Palm County gave it to me," Blackie said. "You'd be surprised how many cops get along good with me. Now I want to see you live up to this. And I do mean live."
Little Nick come up and said, "I think you're making a big mistake, Blackie."
"Can't a guy have a little fun?" Blackie said.
Little Nick said, "I ain't sure who the joke will be on."
"Well, I am," Blackie said. "I'm gonna call up a few pals of mine on the East Coast and get them to run over, just in case of trouble. I want to be sure they know Toby when they see him."
"I get it," Little Nick said. "You're talking sense after all." He turned to me and said, "Keep that star shined up good, Toby. I wouldn't want these pals of Blackie's to miss you."
"Yes sir," I said. "I will do that little thing."
I might have done it anyways, but what with giving my word to Little Nick, I spent an hour shining up that badge. What it said on it was Honorary Deputy Sheriff Palm County, which is over on the East Coast. For a while I worried that maybe a Palm County star didn't mean nothing in our part of the state, but then I recollected our sheriff said we warn't on his county's land so I reckoned we could call our town Palm County if we wanted.
After supper that night when the sun went down and it started getting cool, I took off for a little jog down the road toward the mainland. Blackie saw me running by, and kidded with me about how I was getting out of town even sooner than he had thought I would. I told him I always liked doing a little run of four-five miles, and now that I was law officer and had to keep in shape I was going to get in a jog every night.
When I come back I visited around at the Jenkinses and Browns to see if they had all the law and order they needed, and they said things was fine, but would I just make sure the noise quieted down at Little Nick's and Blackie's after midnight so folks could sleep. And I said I would. I was hoping Little Nick and Blackie would run things nicer at their place now that we had law and order, but around midnight they was making more noise than ever and I went around to ask them to be quiet. The feller at the door didn't want to let me in, and kept the door closed.
"Well," I said, "this is not the strongest door I ever seen, and if I start kicking it, both me and the door will come in, so I would say you ought to open it and just let me in."
"Blackie!" the feller yelled. "Blackie!"
Blackie come to the door and opened it and said, "You can't come in and shoot craps, if that's what you're after."
"No, Blackie, it's not that," I said. "All I want is for you to quiet things down so folks can sleep."
"Go peddle your law and order somewhere else. You're asking for trouble, Toby."
"Blackie, this here is the place that looks like it needs law and order more'n other places in town. And as for trouble, if I go away I'll be in trouble with the Browns and Jenkinses and Pop and Holly, so I reckon I would just as soon be in trouble here."
"Don't make me laugh. Beat it."
I seen he warn't much interested in law and order right then, so I picked him up and walked into the place with him. I am sorry to say I must have put a little too much squeeze on him, on account of when I let him go, he folded down into a chair and had a little fit of coughing.
Little Nick inn up and said to Blackie, "Is that all you do when a guy puts the arm on you? Just sit down and take it?"
Blackie coughed a bit more, and said, "The big ape damn near busted my chest, and if I grab for my shoulder holster I'm likely to find the end of a busted rib."
"What does the clown want?" Little Nick asked.
"He wants us to quiet things down."
Little Nick turned to me. "You want things quiet? Go ahead and quiet them."
It was right nice of Little Nick to say that, and I started out. First I went up to the bar, where a couple of fellers was singing and a couple more was arguing, and a juke box was playing so loud you could feel it in your teeth. I didn't want to make out big with that shiny star I had on, so I kept it covered with my arm and went up to the fellers that was arguing and asked them to stop. But all they done was start arguing with me, and that didn't get us nowhere. So I tried them fellers that was singing and asked them to quit, but they thrun their arms over my shoulders and wanted me to sing along with them. If it hadn't been so late I wouldn't have minded joining up with them, even if they couldn't carry a tune good, but the way things was, I couldn't join up and they wouldn't stop. I went over to the juke box and pulled out its cord, but a little drunk feller come off a stool and crawled over and plugged it back in. Short of breaking that cord or busting the machine, which warn't a nice thing to do, I didn't know how to handle that.
I went into the room where they was gambling and walked around whispering to folks please to make a little less noise on account of folks wanted to sleep, but they didn't pay what you would call any real attention. I went back to the doorway where Little Nick and Al and Carmine was standing, and told them I warn't making out very good.
Little Nick said, "All right. We gave you a chance, and you couldn't do anything about it. So run along."
"No," I said, "I got to figure out a way to quiet things down."
I looked around and seen a switch box on the wall by the booth where the feller gave out the chips, and I recollected from having watched the place built that there was a switch in the box that connected up their generator with all the lights. So I drought if I flashed the lights a few times I could get folks to listen to me ask them to be quiet. I reached out and opened the box and took hold of the switch.
"Take your hand off that!" Little Nick said.
"All I am going to do," I said, "is flick these here lights a few times to get attention."
Little Nick turned to Al and Carmine, and said, "Has this clown got your number?"
Carmine said, "Not if he hasn't got a rock."
"If he don't beat it," Little Nick said, "take him."
I seen I was getting into trouble, because Al had got himself another blackjack and Carmine had put on his brass knuckles. But there warn't no way I could back out. I flipped the light switch on and off twice, and yelled, "Everybody quiet!" Either that yell or the lights going off and on done the trick, and folks turned to look at me. I forgot to keep that star of mine covered up and I reckon it caught the light and everybody saw it. Because they got real quiet.
"Folks," I said, "as the law officer around here I got to—
Back in the room a feller yelled, "It's a raid!"
That turned out to be the wrong thing for him to say. Women started screaming and fellers started running and Al and Carmine come at me. I still had the light switch in my hand, and all I could think of was that the switch box would be a handy thing to have between me and the blackjack and the brass knuckles. So I wrenched it out of the wall and all them lights went out. Al and Carmine jumped somebody but it warn't me, and there was an awful fuss, and as it turned out later Al and Carmine got a bit tromped on by folks that was in a hurry. But at the time I didn't have no idea what was happening on account of all the yells and screams and noise of tables busting and folks going out through windows taking the screens along. Outside, things was real active in the parking lot, and not many fenders got out of there whole. Also it cramped folks to have only one gate in the wire fence and a lot of them made new gates by running their cars through the fence.
For about ten minutes you wou
ld have said I done a poor job in quieting things down. But after all them folks was gone, which took about ten minutes, there warn't a sound. That is, not unless you counted Little Nick saying to Blackie, "You and your goddam star."
15
WHEN it was light the next day I got a good look at Little Nick's and Blackie's, and you might have thought somebody had picked up that place and shook the furniture around in it like dice. I reckon there was a lesson in the way that place looked. If you are running a place where folks get upset when a feller yells "Raid," you want to have plenty of doors and gates, or folks will make their own. I asked Little Nick and Blackie if I could help out in any way, but they said no thanks and that nothing else needed to be broken right then.
All they was doing was setting around, and I asked when they planned to fix things up. Blackie said there was a little problem they had to take care of first, and it would get took care of that night. I said I hoped they would run the place quiet after they got it fixed, and Blackie said he was sure I wouldn't be able to make a single complaint. I felt good about that, because up to then Little Nick and Blackie had not been real sold on law and order.
After supper that night when it was getting dark, Little Nick and Blackie stopped by our shack and said they heard a good way to relax and forget your troubles was to go fishing, and they would like to try some fishing off the bridge if we would show them how. I was all set to do that but they said no, they didn't want to stop me from doing my jog of four-five miles up the road to keep in good shape to be law officer. They said for me to go ahead and they would let Pop and Holly and the twins show them about fishing while I was gone. So I started off on my jog.
It was a middling dark night with no moon, but I don't have no trouble seeing in the dark and I jogged along the road at a good clip, putting out with a sprint now and then to work up a sweat. After I had jogged maybe a couple miles onto the mainland I heard a car coming up behind me, and swung over to the other side of the road to give it plenty of room. The scrub pine and palmettos fit up ahead of me from his lights and I reckoned he must see me and would watch out where he drove. Well, you never want to count on nothing like that. The way some fellers drive, you might think somebody charges them toll every time they look where they are going. It was good I was listening to the sound of that feller's car because at the last moment his tires give a little screech like he had twisted the wheel. I didn't waste no time. I jumped off that road and so his left front fender only dusted off my pants.
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