Because of Ellison

by Willis, M. S.

  “Stop, Hunter.” Her eyes popped open and she pushed away, completely disengaging from me. Disappointment set heavily on my shoulders and I didn’t chase her again as she placed distance between us. She turned around and after a few long strokes of her arms, she moved back towards the shore. When she reached a point where she could stand, she turned back to me. We were quiet for a moment, just staring at each other and I couldn’t get past the fact that she was an absolute knockout. Her hair was plastered to her skin and she didn’t have a lick of makeup on, and yet she outshone any girl I’d been with in the past. It was remarkable — magical even — to find myself alone with this girl in a place I could finally admit was breathtaking.

  “You’re only going to be here for a couple of months and then you are heading back to your home. We can be friends, Hunter, but I don’t think we should be getting any more involved than that. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to risk my heart when I know something won’t work out in the end. I’m not a fling. I’m not some girl that’s okay with having fun just for the sake of the moment. Plus, I don’t know anything about you, like what you do with your time, what you want to do when you get older — or even if you have a girlfriend.” She turned and walked completely out of the water. The water glistened as it rolled down her skin and my hands clenched when I forced myself to show some respect and look away. When I finally turned back, she was laid flat over the table, still in nothing more than a bra and panties. She appeared to have no shame when it came to nudity.

  “Are you going to get dressed or what?” I called out.

  Her head popped up to look at me and she had a confused expression on her face. “You’ve already seen me like this. What do I have to hide? Plus, it’s no different than a bathing suit.”

  She laid back down, and I treaded water while trying to come up with something to say. She was right. The deafening silence was pounding against my head and I felt these weird thoughts and feelings bubbling up inside my head. The constant activity of my life, mixed with the numbing effects of alcohol and drugs had suppressed them, shoving them so far inside that I could feel them pushing their way back into my head. It was almost painful. Thoughts of my parents, school, my friends — Tiffany; all of it started to swell up and I was instantly saddened to think that none of it really mattered to me. I’d been going through the motions of life, developing a routine that acted as nothing more than a distraction. What the fuck was I going to do when I got older? I had no interest in college, even less in actually going to a job every day. It seemed like it would be so monotonous: getting up at the same time, arriving at the same place at the same time, leaving that place at the same time, only to go home at the same time. Add in a wife and children and what was left?

  And what the fuck just happened?!

  “What in the hell are you doing to me, El?” I called out to her and she sat up to look out over the water at me. The sunlight bounced off the waves of the water and it looked like a small light show was swirling all over her body.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She smiled. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

  I powered through the water towards shore. Climbing out, I was thankful for the button in the front of my boxers as I walked practically naked in her direction. Her eyes traveled over my chest and legs and I wanted to growl in appreciation of the blush to her cheeks and the desire I was sure I saw in her eyes. So yes, even though I was having this enlightening experience with a girl I barely knew, sex was still part of the equation. I was 19 years old and sex was important. It was natural. It was something I wasn’t ashamed to admit: I wanted to have sex with the blond sitting on a picnic table in the middle of the woods. I wanted to run my tongue all along the smooth skin of her body and just taste her — experience her. This girl was already better than any drug I’d taken and I hadn’t even done anything with her yet.

  When I finally reached her, I sat down on one of the seats. She turned to me and placed her feet on the seat beside me, her wet braid hanging loosely over one shoulder and her eyes alight with humor. I grabbed the backs of her calves and fought hard not to spread her legs and pull her down on my lap.

  In a moment of absolute honesty that I had no idea where it came from, I confessed, “I don’t know what I’m going to do later in life. All I know is that I’m supposed to go to college, and I’m supposed to get a job after that. Once that’s accomplished, I’m sure I’m supposed to get married and have kids and grow old and shit. And to be completely fucking honest with you, I don’t actually want to do any of it. It’s so boring. There’s no challenge to it. Everybody does it.”

  She looked surprised to hear my confession. “So then, don’t do that. Pick something else. What are you interested in? You could do something where you have to travel, where you get to explore the world. Take the image of what you think your life should be and make it a reality. Travel the world until you figure it out, live life like a pirate if you want.”

  I laughed. “Like a pirate? You’re kidding, right?”

  She shrugged. “Yeah. But you know what I mean.”

  “What are you going to do?” It was weird, but I really wanted to know. She was fascinating.

  She motioned around at our surroundings. “Well, we’re kind of doing it now. I want to be a forest ranger, I want to help take care of the environment. I want to make a difference. It won’t be a huge one, but it’ll be something. I start college at the end of the summer and Finn and I both are majoring in forestry.”

  Finn. My heart sank and a lump formed in my throat at the mention of her on again off again boyfriend.

  “So, you and Finn will be seeing each other every day? Won’t that be rough if you don’t want to be with him?” There was a little bit of jealousy in my voice. I didn’t intend it, but it happened.

  Thankfully, if she noticed, she didn’t act like it. “Finn and I can be friends again. That’s how we started. He’ll move on at some point because he has no problem attracting women. I refuse to let a failed relationship destroy what we had before it happened. Maybe it’s stupid of me, but I think it’s a shame when two people can’t put aside their differences and still remain in each other’s lives. He’s a good guy. He understands me. It’s rare for me to be able to find someone like that.”

  “Then why don’t you just stay with him?”

  She let out a humorless laugh. “My dad would like that. He thinks Finn would be the perfect husband. But I just don’t feel those things for him. There are no butterflies when he’s around, there’s no electricity. When he touches me or kisses me, I feel nothing.” Her eyes caught mine at that moment and my breath was stolen from my chest. “I love Finn, but I’m not in love with him. Do you know what I mean?”

  I didn’t. I had no idea what she meant because I wasn’t even sure I knew the difference between like and love … much less love and in love. I didn’t know what love was. I knew what it was to want a girl, but that was pretty much where it ended. I also knew the basic definition of love, but I had never actually felt it.

  I looked up at her. I wanted to lie, to tell her I knew exactly what she was talking about, but, somehow, I knew she’d see right through me.

  “No. I hate to admit it, but I am clueless when it comes to that concept.”

  Chapter Eight

  Ellison

  I was shocked, to say the least. His brown hair hung haphazardly in his face, tempting me to brush it away, and his dark blue eyes swirled when he admitted he didn’t know what love was. It was a brave response, honest, and my heart skipped at his confession. Everybody should know what love is. If a person had a family, they should know love. But, that wasn’t true, was it? Sure, there were the kids who were abandoned, and the people who were deserted that had an excuse for not knowing, but Hunter wasn’t one of those people. He had parents, he had friends — he had a home. He, of all people, should know.

  “How is that even possible? You have your mom and your dad. Don’t you know what
love is because of them?” My voice was whisper soft and my insides grew tense while I waited for his answer. His smile faded and his eyes looked away from me.

  “If you call the once a month lecture and access to their credit accounts love, then yes.” He looked back up and I was momentarily shocked by the honesty in his eyes. “My parents worked constantly. My dad went to his job for long hours and my mom did — well, whatever my mom did. I was left to deal with myself and they judged me by my grades and judged themselves by the things they were able to give me. We didn’t spend much time together.” He shrugged it off suddenly. “It doesn’t matter, though. I had the life every kid wants; money at my disposal and no parents to breathe down my neck.”

  “I don’t want that.” It was an immediate response and one that appeared to shock him. “If I could have just one minute more with my mom, I’d do anything for it — anything. To see her smile, or hear her laugh, or even to feel the warmth of her palm against my cheek.” A tear threatened my eye, but I kept it from falling. I didn’t want to get emotional in front of him.

  His hands idly rubbed up and down my calves. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, his touch was doing funny things to my body and I enjoyed the contact. It felt normal, natural. I hadn’t known Hunter for very long but my soul recognized him and it was easy to fall in step with him - to feel like I’d known him forever.

  “What happened to your mom?” He was curious. I couldn’t fault him for that, but talking about her was hard even though it had been 10 years since I last saw her.

  I wrapped my arms around my waist when I answered, “She died. Ten years ago from a car accident. A drunk driver swerved into her lane, killing her and Lily’s mom. That’s how we ended up living next to each other. Our dads relied on each other for help raising us kids.

  His face fell and I felt terrible. I didn’t want to talk about sad things and it seemed that our conversation had turned from one of hope to one of despair. I grieved the loss of my mother, and he grieved never having had one to begin with.

  When it grew quiet between us, I stood up and stepped down off the table. My underwear had dried from the heat outside and I could put the rest of my clothes back on. Hunter stood up and followed behind me and we dressed without speaking.

  The rest of the hike was tedious. Hunter was pretty strong up until the last two miles or so, but he dragged ass that last little bit, dramatically falling to the ground by the time we reached the front yard of my house.

  “Oh thank God! We made it. I can’t feel my legs, but I’m alive.”

  I scowled down at him and laughed. “It wasn’t that bad. It’s obvious you spend way too much town sitting around. You know, beyond TV and video games, there’s a whole world out there waiting to be explored.”

  His brilliant blues found mine and he smiled that dimpled grin of his that made me melt every time I saw it. “I know. I’ve seen that world on the TV. And it didn’t destroy my legs in the process.”

  When he winked, my heart skipped and I had to restrain myself from dropping to my knees so I could kiss him. His lips were soft. I knew that from our encounter at the spring and I’d been a strong woman to be able to pull away from it. A chill ran across my skin and I blamed the summer winds so that I wouldn’t have to admit to myself that it was his presence that was affecting me.

  “I’d better get the dogs inside. They need water and sleep. After a walk like that, they are usually down for the majority of the night.”

  Hunter rolled over and failed to push himself up. “Crap! I’m too tired to move. You’ll have to go on without me, El. Save yourself.”

  My laughter rolled out of me. “Stop being so damn dramatic. You’ll feel better when we do it again tomorrow. It gets easier.”

  Rolling on his back, he opened one eye at me. “No. No way. I have a house to paint and I’m not even sure I’ll be able to pull that off. Hell! I’ll be lucky to make it to my bed. It’s too far away.” He opened both eyes and looked over at my bedroom window. “But, yours is closer. I might be able to make it to that one.” Another wink.

  I couldn’t stop the grin that spread across my face and I could feel the heat reddening my cheeks. “That’s not going to happen, Hunter.”

  He looked pained to be turned down. Reaching one arm up, he said, “You can at least help me up, considering it was your treachery that did this to me.”

  He was such a big baby. I reached down to help him, but as soon as his large hand wrapped around my wrist, I was pulled down on top of him, our bodies colliding with each other and my legs falling open on either side of him as I straddled his abdomen. I pushed up and moved the hair from my face to find an odd expression on his.

  His grin was crooked and charming when he said, “If you keep ending up on top of me Miss James, I’m going to start believing you like me.”

  And then I did something that completely went against my character. I looked him directly in the eye, never letting go of his stare as I lowered my body down and brushed my lips against his. It was heaven, like silk across my lips and I opened my mouth, allowing his tongue to run across mine, allowing his taste to fill me, and his musky, woodsy scent to wrap itself completely around me. I felt his hands move up my back just before his fingers tangled themselves into my hair, pulling gently but trapping me against him. It was like being pressed up against a wall of rock and I loved the feel of him underneath me. It didn’t seem like he would ever let go, and I wasn’t sure I wanted him to — until I heard a throat clearing behind us.

  I jumped off Hunter and my butt hit the ground with a thud. Slowly turning, I spotted a grimy pair of work boots attached to a dirty pair of legs and even farther up I saw the murderous expression on my father’s face.

  “Hi, Daddy.”

  Hunter was frozen in place. His eyes glued on my father.

  “Ellison. You need to go inside sweetheart and we’ll talk about this in a minute. I’d like to have a word with Hunter, man to man, if you don’t mind.

  This wasn’t good. In fact, this was really bad. My daddy still thought of me like I was 10 years old and he wasn’t too pleased when he saw a man brush up against me, much less, me straddling a man in the front yard. “Daddy, this isn’t what this looks like. We were just playing around.” I stood up quickly and tried to move so that I was blocking my father’s view of Hunter.

  My father’s hands landed on my shoulders and his tired brown eyes met mine. “Baby Girl, you need to head inside. I’m not going to kill the boy, so stop looking like you’re trying to prevent a murder. I’m only going to talk to him.”

  I was scared, but I knew I had no choice but to go. I looked at Hunter apologetically as I gathered the packs we’d thrown on the ground and called the dogs to follow me inside. Once I was in the house, I wanted to peek out the window to see what was going on, but I was afraid it would only piss off my father more to see me spying.

  Doing whatever I could to keep my mind off of it, I gave the dogs food and water and watched them as they finished up their lunch and wandered over to their doggy beds to pass out. I grabbed a shower and after I’d dressed and dried my hair I returned to the living room to find my father sitting on the couch laughing to himself about something.

  “Hey, daddy. Is Hunter still breathing?”

  “Yeah, he is. He’s probably at Bill’s right now cleaning the shit out of his shorts after what I had to say to him.” He chuckled and it shook it shoulders.

  “Daddy! It wasn’t his fault … ”

  “Ellison James, I found that young man outside your bedroom window at two o’clock in the morning, naked. I warned him then to stay away from my little girl and then, to come home and find him holding you on top of him? Hell! You were lucky I didn’t kill the boy right there. And what the hell are you thinking acting like that anyway? I raised you better than that and I know you’ve got a level head on those shoulders of yours. Don’t go losing it because of some cute boy that will only be around for the summer. I’m glad it was me that foun
d you and not Finn. It would have broken that boy’s heart to see you that way.”

  Finn. I was so sick of hearing about Finn. I didn’t know what was wrong with the men in my life but they’d all decided that I was marrying Finn and there was nothing I could do about it. “What did you say to Hunter?”

  “That’s between Hunter and me, baby girl. It was a talk between men and there’s nothing that was said that needs to be repeated.” His mouth shrank to a thin line and I could tell he wasn’t going to budge in this conversation. There was no use fighting it and I didn’t want to upset him further.

  “Did you make it to your appointment today?” Sitting down beside him on the couch, I snuggled into his side waiting for his response.

  “I did.” He grew quiet for a second and it worried me. “They need to send me off for some tests. Said it’s normal and I shouldn’t worry about it.”

  “So then why do they need tests?” My father hadn’t been feeling like himself for a few months and it was almost impossible to convince him to go get a check up. Daddy hated doctors. He always said that if you go to a doctor, they’ll tell you you’re dying and then you die. In his screwed up logic, he argued that if you didn’t find out you were dying in the first place, you might have lived … so he didn’t go. But I fought him hard and he eventually relented to getting a quick checkup to ease my concerns.

  Knowing they wanted to do more tests, however? Now, I was absolutely terrified. I’d already lost my mom, I didn’t know what I’d do if I lost my dad too.

  “I’m getting old, Ellison. They need to do extra stuff to check me out. It’s completely normal and nothing to worry about. I’ll still be around to keep an eye on you for the next 50 years. You can count on that.” He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer to his side. “I love you, baby girl, and even though I’m ready to go be with your mother on the other side, I’m not willing to leave you here alone just yet. At least, not until your brother has grown up some more and I can trust him to take care of you.”