A Healing Heart

by Melissa A. Hanson

  Finally reaching my car, I unlocked the door and slid in. My eyes caught on Collin’s gift sitting on the seat almost as if it was taunting me. The sobs were tearing through my body as I raced out of the parking lot. Natasha and Collin were just mere specks in the rearview mirror.

  The pain cut so deeply into my heart and soul, I trembled. I felt out of control, spinning, uncertain of which way was up. How could he have kept this from me for so long? When was he going to tell me? It made me doubt and question everything. What other things had he kept from me, shielded from me? We could have prepared, made plans, worked things out. Now I wondered, was it all real? Somehow I’d known deep down things were just too good to be true. As much as I wanted the entire fairy tale, the happy ending, I knew it was just that—a fairy tale, and fairy tales didn’t come true in real life. I had gotten swept up in the thrill, the excitement, and thinking maybe, just maybe, fairy tales could come true, but I was wrong.

  I drove around aimlessly for a couple of hours, just thinking. The sun was setting and bright pinks and oranges tinged the sky, but I could barely see the colors or the beauty. It was as if everything was shaded in that old familiar washed-out gray color, like the light in my life had just been snuffed out—again.

  Finding myself back at my aunt and uncle’s house, I decided it was probably best if I went inside to my room. I needed to just be alone. Picking up Collin’s gift off of the passenger seat, I walked quietly inside. As I entered the hallway, I ran into my aunt.

  “Bailey, are you okay? Collin’s been by here twice and called almost every fifteen minutes worried about you, saying you aren’t answering your cell. What happened?”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Nothing? Come on, honey, I can see with my own eyes this isn’t ‘nothing.’ You look horrible, you have mascara streaked all the way down your face, and your eyes are red. What is going on?”

  “Nothing.”

  I turned and ran up the stairs into my room, slamming the door shut. I tossed the present on my desk and flung myself on my bed, burying my head in the pillows. I let myself really cry now, the tears streaming freely, with what was left of my mascara streaking my pillowcase. I wasn’t alone for long. I never heard the door open or shut, but I felt the bed as it shifted under my aunt’s weight. She sat down beside me, quietly stroking my back.

  “Honey, please tell me what’s wrong. This is breaking my heart.”

  “Collin’s m-m-m-mo-oving,” I stammered out.

  “Oh, Bailey, I’m sorry. It can’t be that bad. Where’s he moving to?”

  “Las Vegas.”

  “That’s not very far away. You guys can still talk and see each other.”

  “No. He lied to me. He’s known since spring break and he never told me. Savannah lives in Vegas—he’s going to be living near Savannah. I was just someone to hang out with. It was all just fun and games. He never had any other intentions, so that’s why he never said anything.”

  “Come on, Bailey. Do you really believe that? So it wasn’t cool that he didn’t tell you, but do you really believe he felt nothing? That the past few months have been just fun and games? And who’s Savannah?”

  “He says she’s just an old family friend. But she wants to be more than that. I’m not stupid, I could see it all over her face the first time we met. Her family was here during spring break.”

  “Bailey, I really think you’re overreacting. If he didn’t feel anything for you, then why is he so worried about you right now? Why won’t you talk to him?”

  “Because I can’t. It hurts too badly. He’s leaving in two weeks, Aunt Rachelle. Two weeks! When was he going to tell me? As he drove off?”

  “Honey, I’m sure he had his reasons. Why won’t you at least let him try to explain?”

  “I can’t. I should have known better. But I thought maybe, just maybe, something good in my life could happen.”

  “You can’t always think everything bad is going to happen to you. Good things do happen too.”

  “Please, I just need to be alone for right now.”

  “Okay. But I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

  She leaned over, kissed my forehead, and left the room, closing the door behind her. I was left in the deafening silence. A few minutes later, I could hear the phone ringing in the other room. I tugged the pillow around my head and tried to ignore it. My cell phone was still in my purse. It had been on vibrate during the graduation ceremony. I had never turned the sound back on, and I had no intention of turning it back on now.

  ~ Collin ~

  I stood there in stunned silence as Bailey turned from me and began running through the thick crowd. The hurt in her eyes pierced me to the core. I’d known the day was coming when I would have to tell her, but this was not how I’d wanted to do it. Cursing, I knew I had to go after her, talk to her, make her understand.

  Natasha was already chasing her, but my damn cast slowed me down. If it wasn’t for this broken leg, I could have easily caught her. Natasha and I both reached the parking lot just in time to see Bailey’s car exiting the driveway.

  “Good going! What the heck is going on, Collin?” Natasha was practically screaming. “How could you keep something like that from her? She’s been through enough, she doesn’t need this!”

  “Look, I know that. I just couldn’t tell her. I didn’t know how. Every time I tried, something came up. I didn’t want to hurt her. I was trying to figure out a plan before I let her know, and I kept hoping my dad would change his mind. I didn’t want to put her through all of this and then we never end up moving.”

  “Well, that’s just stupid. You guys never think. She’s stronger than she believes, but this is going to crush her in a way I can’t even imagine. You didn’t see her or know her when she first moved down here. I did. I saw how lifeless she was, barely moving from day to day. Then you come into her life, and I see a spark I’d never seen before. She deserved that, she deserves happiness; right now when she ran off, I could see that spark was gone. Her eyes were dull and lifeless again. That fast, in a split second, you stripped from her the hope that things in her life could be normal. Just because you had to lie to her. Didn’t you learn anything about her over the past few months?”

  “Yes, I did. Which is why I didn’t want to tell her, I didn’t want to cause her needless pain.”

  “Yeah, well that sure backfired. The damage is done now. What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. I need to talk to her.”

  “Good luck with that. You need to decide what you are going to do. You either let her go now and let her heal, or you fix this. Don’t be playing with her emotions.”

  “I have no intentions of letting her go. I need to borrow someone’s car and go find her.”

  “Here, take mine. You’re not a bad guy, Collin, but I swear, you better make things right. My car is over there.”

  Natasha yanked her keys out and handed them over as she pointed to the far edge of the parking lot.

  “Thanks, Natasha. I always knew you liked me.”

  Grinning, I grabbed the keys from her and hobbled toward the car as quickly as I could. Grabbing my cell phone I dialed Bailey’s number, after several rings it went to voice mail. “Bailey, please call me back. We need to talk.”

  Finding Natasha’s car, I got in, sliding the seat back to accommodate my long legs. I was thankful the car was not a stick shift. I drove over to Bailey’s house first, but her car wasn’t out front. My next stop was the lookout where I’d been lucky to find her before when she had been upset, but again, there was no car there. Though I carefully searched the streets as I drove through town, I never came across her. I drove to the park, but it was empty. I was quickly running out of ideas. Where could she have gone? I continued to call and text her cell phone, as well as her house phone, but nothing. I was beginning to worry. Twice I stopped by her house, ringing the doorbell and talking to her aunt, but she still hadn’t shown up there. I called Natasha and Mia, but
neither of them had heard from her. Bailey wasn’t taking their calls either. It had been over two hours now. I decided to try her house number one more time; her aunt picked it up on the second ring.

  “Hello.”

  “Rachelle? It’s Collin again. Have you heard from Bailey?”

  “Yes. She’s home now.”

  Relief flooded through me; at least she was safe.

  “Thank goodness. Can I talk to her?”

  “I don’t think she’ll take the phone, Collin. She’s really upset.”

  “I understand. But I need to explain, to let her know what is going on.”

  “What is going on, Collin? Why would you lie to her about moving?”

  “So, she told you.”

  “A little.”

  “It’s not that I didn’t want to tell her, I just never knew how to, or every time I tried, something came up. I didn’t want to hurt her. She means more to me than anything. I just need to talk to her.”

  “I believe you. I’ll tell you what. If you come over here, I’ll let you in. I know she’ll be pretty mad at me, but I think she needs to hear the words from you.”

  “Thank you! I’ll be right there.”

  I turned the car around and sped toward Bailey’s house. Her car was parked out front. After parking Natasha’s car I hobbled out of the car and up to the front door. Bailey’s aunt was waiting and opened it to let me in. She never said a word as I followed her upstairs where she opened Bailey’s door and stepped aside for me to enter.

  Bailey lay on the covers, her face buried in the pillows, her shoulders shaking silently. Every once in a while she would take a deep shuddering breath and it ripped my heart out watching her in so much pain. Pain that I had caused; I wanted to be able to take it away, to make it all better.

  “Please, leave me alone.”

  “Bailey, please. I’m so, so sorry.”

  She flipped over immediately, her face registering complete shock, like cold water had just been poured over her. Her face was white as a sheet, black streaks down her cheeks, her eyes red and puffy. I felt like I’d just been punched in the gut; looking at the girl I loved in such pain crushed me. As the door shut behind me, I carefully made my way to the edge of the bed and sat down.

  ~ Bailey ~

  Collin’s voice startled me. How did he get in here? I had thought it was my aunt returning. Flipping over on the bed, I stared at him as he sat down on the edge of my bed. Wanting it to be real, wanting him there but then thinking it had to be just a dream. I felt horrible, my body ached, my eyes burned—I knew I was a mess.

  “Bailey, sweetie, please stop crying. I’m sorry, so sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I just never knew how to tell you. I kept hoping that my dad would change his mind.”

  “But you leave in two weeks, Collin. Two weeks! When were you going to tell me?”

  “I really don’t know. Soon. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “Guess that didn’t work out, did it?”

  “Honey, please. I’m sorry. I feel bad enough as it is. My dad gave me the option of staying here, but I can’t leave Lacey. She begged me not to leave her. She’s only four, she still needs me. Las Vegas isn’t too far, and I promise to visit all the time. We’ll figure something out. I just wanted to have a plan before I said anything to you. I also hoped, really hoped we wouldn’t move, that I could talk my dad into staying here.”

  His deep blue eyes pleaded with me. I could see the anguish deep inside their clear depths, and I was drowning. I knew he couldn’t leave Lacey, and I would never ask him to do that. But I needed him too. Collin had given me a new hope that I could be happy again, a new outlook on life—he had become my life. How would I get through the days without seeing his smiling face, feeling his touch? Though the hurt lingered, my anger was melting. I couldn’t understand how with just a few words, his presence, and just one look, he could so easily wipe all rational thought from my head. Sitting up on the bed, I brushed away the wetness from my cheeks, black staining my hand.

  “Oh, Collin, you can’t leave me. I need you.”

  Collin reached over and pulled me against his chest. The warmth that radiated from him comforted me. His hand stroked my hair as he rocked me like a child, whispering soothing words. Closing my eyes, I just let him hold me, my arms wrapped tightly around him, thinking that maybe, if I held on tightly enough, I could keep him here. But I knew deep down that I would have to let him go; a part of me wasn’t sure I would be able to.

  “It’s all going to be fine, Bailey. I’m not going to leave you. We’ll figure something out. I promise. I love you, and I’m not letting you go.”

  With my face still buried in his shoulder, I cried until I had no more tears left.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Bright sunlight was beginning to stream through my window. It was the morning after Collin’s graduation. Rolling over in bed, I realized I was exhausted, uncertain if I had really even slept at all. My clock read five a.m. It had been months since I had been awake this early. It felt as if all my energy had been sucked out. Curling up into a ball, I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself to go back to sleep. But I knew it was hopeless; there was no way I was going to be able to fall asleep again.

  Collin had stayed late the night before. My aunt had allowed us to remain upstairs as long as we kept the door open. Most of the time he just held me, kissing me softly on my forehead. Words had failed me; I was still in shock that in just two short weeks Collin would be a couple hundred miles away. Just the thought brought another fresh batch of tears to my eyes.

  I felt bad he had missed his entire graduation party looking for me. The guilt of taking away that special moment from him was intense. I had been looking forward to the party as well, but the bitterness of being kept in the dark about his moving away was still so strong.

  I wished he had told me earlier, given me a little more time to adjust to the idea. Maybe then graduation would have been the happy event that it should have been. I would have had a chance to prepare mentally. I wondered, though, if I was just fooling myself. If he had told me earlier, would things really be any different right at this moment? Deep down, I knew the answer was no. All that really happened was that I had lived the last few months in a bubble of happiness where reality didn’t exist. If he had told me earlier, I would have just felt the pain I was feeling now sooner. It didn’t change the fact that he was still moving. But in the end, after thinking things through, I couldn’t be mad at him for not telling me. It had hurt me and shattered my heart, but ultimately, it was the fear of losing him that stripped me to the bone, blinding me to all other rational thought.

  The excitement that I had previously for the upcoming summer was gone. I only felt emptiness now. The light that had guided me out of the darkness I had been living in was all but extinguished, and I would have to move forward again by myself. Collin had promised he would call all the time and come visit as much as he could. I believed he would do his best, but eventually, I knew things would come up and he wouldn’t be able to make that drive every weekend. It was too much to ask of him, and I loved him too much to expect it.

  My head told me everything would be okay, that we would somehow make it work. I only had my senior year to finish. After I graduated, I could go to college wherever he was next summer, but a year felt like an eternity. My heart ached and I doubted everything. The conflict in my head and heart battled and I wasn’t sure which one would win. I knew I was an emotional wreck, and I didn’t know how to even start putting myself back together.

  Accepting that there was no way I was going to get any more sleep, I groaned and rolled out of bed. As I walked across my room, my present for Collin caught my eye. There it was, sitting on the desk in its bright and pretty wrapping, a glaring reminder of what had once been. Looking at it now caused new tears to blur my vision as I entered the bathroom.

  The face that greeted me in the mirror was a stranger. My eyes were red and puffy, the dark circles were starting to reap
pear, my face was white as a sheet. Turning away from the reflection, I turned on the hot water, stepped under the soothing spray, and tried to wash away the heartache.

  Grabbing a pair of gray sweat shorts and a black T-shirt, I got dressed. After brushing out my tangled hair, I left it down to air dry. I just didn’t have the energy to blow-dry it this morning. Downstairs, I found both my aunt and uncle sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast and drinking their coffee.

  “Oh, honey, you don’t look so good,” my aunt said as she pushed back her chair and walked toward me.

  Plastering a fake smile on my face, I attempted to be positive. “I’ll be okay. It’s not the worst thing that can happen to me, right?”

  “Bailey, honey. I’m so sorry.”

  She gathered me in her arms and held me tightly. I was trying to keep the tears pushed back; I had cried far too many of them in the last twelve hours. Pulling away, she kept her arm across my shoulder and steered me to the kitchen table.

  “Here, sit. Let me get you some breakfast.”

  “I’m really not hungry. I could use some coffee though, if you have any left. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

  “You need to eat something. How about a piece of toast with your coffee?”

  “Okay.”

  Winning a battle against my aunt was impossible. It was easier just to give in. She placed a mug of coffee on the table for me—well, it was mostly coffee. I always drowned it with creamer, but it still had caffeine in it, and that was what I needed this morning. She went across the kitchen, grabbed two slices of bread, and dropped them in the toaster. Watching her quietly as she moved, I sipped the coffee she had given me. There was no way I was going to be able to eat both pieces of toast. The thought of food right now made my stomach turn. My aunt pulled out the apricot preserves and margarine from the refrigerator and slathered them both over the toast. After finishing her task, she set the plate with the toast in front of me.