I was completely unaware of my surroundings. The grayness had completely overtaken me. I didn’t even know we had stopped at another house. Looking up I realized it must be Natasha’s aunt’s house. I was in no mood to stay in this horrible city. I just wanted to get home as fast as possible and get far away from Collin.
“Please, please Tasha, can we just go home?” I pleaded with her.
“Stay here and just give me a minute, okay?”
I just nodded and sat in the car, the engine still running, the air conditioning blowing my hair and drying the tears that streamed silently from my eyes.
~ Collin ~
The smell of pizza wafted through the car. I was anxiously waiting for the next few days to pass so that I could see Bailey. Being separated from her was more difficult than I’d ever imagined. As I turned down my street there was a car in front of my house and it looked like Bailey’s car. No, it couldn’t be, I was just imagining things. Then as I got closer and drove into the driveway, I knew it was Bailey, and Natasha was with her. How? Why was she here? My heart pounded with the thrill of seeing her.
As I shut off the car, I caught her gaze, and instantly, pain shot through me. Her eyes weren’t filled with love and excitement; they were full of anger and hurt. I was baffled: Why was she so upset? Racking my brain, I tried to think of something that I might have done to hurt her, but I was drawing a blank. She had seemed fine last night when I had talked to her, and even this morning when I had texted her everything seemed to be okay. This sudden change worried me even more.
The dark shadows under her eyes were worse than they were just a week ago; the smudges seemed to grow gradually darker every time I saw her. I knew she had been losing some weight too, but she was so thin now, her clothes were beginning to hang on her. I knew it was my fault. Getting out of my car with a heavy heart, I knew what I must do. I had to let her go, give her a chance to heal. Holding on to her like this was only hurting her worse.
Standing firm, I let her angry words wash over me. She had every right to be hurt and upset. She had needed me and I had deserted her. She deserved better, and I hoped that someday she’d forgive me. Every muscle in my body ached to pull her close, to hold her, keep her next to me, never letting go. Instead I held back, trying not to waiver in my decision.
Standing there, our gazes connected, I saw the moment the realization hit her, and as the light in her eyes dulled, I almost lost my resolve. Her pain cut through me so deeply I wondered if I’d ever be the same again. Watching her walk away from me, I felt like half of myself was being ripped apart. As she reached the end of the sidewalk, my thoughts screamed words that only I could hear. “I’m so sorry, Bailey. And I’m sorry that I always seem to be sorry. I will always love you.”
Standing there, I watched in silence as the love of my life drove away. I wondered if I’d ever see her again. I was so focused on Bailey that I was surprised when I turned and Savannah was standing by my side with her hand on my arm. I wondered how long she had been standing there, as I never heard her come through the door.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
~ Bailey ~
My senior year was in full swing, and I moved from day to day, going through the motions, but not really living. Halloween had arrived, the weather still warm during the day but cooling at night. It had been over two months since that fateful trip to Las Vegas. The first few weeks had been the worst, with my friends constantly dragging me out of the house trying to cheer me up. My aunt and uncle had been supportive, but they didn’t really know what to do with me. I tried to keep up a good front, not wanting to worry everyone, but I knew my aunt could see right through the facade.
Deep down, I knew that it had been too good to last. I was not one of the lucky ones who got to live a fairy tale life. I knew that firsthand, but I had let myself believe and hope that maybe, just maybe, things could be right for me. I realized now that love is not just excitement, tenderness, feeling special; it is also a bone-crushing reality of pain. It felt as if my heart had been ripped entirely out of my body, but the paradox was, the heartache was the only thing that felt real right now. Maybe the potential for agony and loss is what makes love itself that much stronger, knowing that it all can be gone in an instant, so you live life like there may not be a tomorrow. Collin would always hold a special place in my heart, no matter how much I tried to forget him or push him out. He had left his mark on me, and it was something I would never be able to remove.
So many times I had composed e-mails and text messages to him but always ended up deleting them or saving them, never sending them. Collin had sent one text message on our drive home from Las Vegas, just two little words:
I’m sorry
I wasn’t sure which was worse, keeping that message stored in my phone or the other message that I had saved from before my trip:
love u sweetie! u r the best thing in my life
Mia had found them both in my phone one day and begged me to delete them, saying I needed to move on and forget about Collin, but every time I tried to delete them, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t ready yet.
Riley had been my salvation, my special little man. He was so easy to love, so loving in return, his sweet nature helped to ease the pain in my heart. Tonight I was taking him trick-or-treating and was anxious to see what his costume would be. It was a secret he had actually kept from me, no matter how many times I tried to get him to tell me.
Arriving at the Howard house just before sunset, I noticed that the jack-o-lantern that Riley and I had carved the day before was at the front door, its goofy grin glowing with a candle. The lopsided grin made me smile. Riley had worked so hard trying to carve it straight. I actually thought it looked better crooked as it gave the pumpkin more personality. Before I could ring the doorbell, the door flew open.
“Surprise!” Riley yelled.
“You’re a pirate!” On Riley’s head sat a black felt hat with a skull on the front, and he had a big gold hoop earring hooked to one ear, a black eye patch, white shirt, black vest with a bright red sash tied around his waist, black pants, and black boots. A sword in one hand completed the look. He was entirely too cute.
“I’m three now, a big boy pirate to protect you.”
My heart melted instantly, and I thought I was going to cry. I leaned down to hug him. “Yes, you are a big boy now. You can protect me anytime. Are you ready to go trick-or-treating? See what kind of candy you can get?”
“Yes!”
“Okay, let’s go get your pumpkin basket.”
When I got up, my eyes caught Eileen’s, and I could see compassion in them. Eileen had been easy to talk to after I got back from Las Vegas. I was able to open up to her more than my aunt or friends; she had been a sympathetic listener, never judging, and had given me some good advice. I knew that the torture she had gone through in losing her husband, Tucker, was entirely worse than the suffering I was living through right now, and she had survived. She had made it through, and I knew in time I would pull through as well.
“I’m ready! Got my pumpkin!”
“Well, then, let’s get going. We’ll be back in a bit.”
“Have fun!, I’ll stay here and man the door.”
Eileen walked us to the front door and outside. Dusk was settling over the neighborhood and small children with parents in tow were beginning to flood the sidewalks. Ghosts, princesses, scary monsters, cartoon characters were all out seeking candy and excitement. Eileen waved as we walked to the neighbor’s house. Riley animatedly chattered nonstop as we progressed through the neighborhood. Several streets later and with a near overflowing pumpkin, my little pirate was starting to tire out.
“My feet hurt. I’m tired."
“Okay, little guy, let’s head back. I think you’ve got plenty of candy.”
I took the heavy pumpkin from Riley, and we started walking slowly back to the house. A few streets from the house Riley abruptly stopped, pulling me to a halt beside him, his big brown eyes staring up at me.
“Baiwey, carry me. Pwease?”
Chuckling, I agreed. There was no way I could resist his plea and sweet little face.
“Let’s go.”
I reached down and picked him up, carrying him the rest of the way home. His arms wrapped around my neck, his head nestled against my shoulder. The love I felt for this little boy was overwhelming, and I knew I was blessed that he was a part of my life. Though it didn’t erase the pain from losing Collin, it did help ease it.
Reaching the house, we went inside to sort through the goods. Pouring out the pumpkin on the table Riley proceeded to sort the candy by type, creating lines of all the different candies. It amazed me how his little brain worked, always organizing and sorting things.
Riley’s bedtime was approaching, and I stayed to help Eileen get him ready for bed. Upstairs he played in the bath with his boats and bubbles. After drying him off and getting his pajamas on, I snuggled with him on his toddler bed and read his favorite stories. Leaning over I kissed his forehead.
“’Night, Riley.”
Riley reached up and put his hands on my cheeks. “Baiwey, you love me!” Not a question, just a completely honest statement.
“Yes, Riley, I love you!” I never failed to be surprised by what came out of his mouth, but it always made me smile. I wished that he would always be so honest and up front with his feelings as he grew older, but knew that the innocence would vanish as the years passed. I was glad I had the chance to enjoy him now.
Getting up from the low bed, I turned on his lullaby music, shut the light off, and quietly left his room. Downstairs Eileen was in the kitchen putting away dishes.
“Riley’s in bed.”
“Thanks, Bailey, I really appreciate the help.”
“You’ve got a very special little boy there. Do you know what he said to me when I was tucking him in?”
“No, what?”
“He said ‘Bailey, you love me.’ Not I love you, Bailey, or asking me if I loved him—just a straight fact, point blank. To top it off, he said it after putting both hands on my cheeks to make sure he had my full attention.”
Eileen started laughing. “That’s Riley for you. I fear I’m going to have my hands full as he gets older.”
“No doubt! He’s already a heartbreaker.”
I climbed up on one of the kitchen stools at the bar counter as Eileen finished putting away the last few dishes.
“Yes, he is. How are you doing, by the way?”
“I’m okay, I guess. It is getting a little easier, like you said it would.”
“I’m sorry things had to turn out like they did. I really liked Collin. I really believe that things happen for reasons. While we’re going through it, we don’t know why, but somewhere down the road we’ll understand. Each experience in life teaches us something; it helps us grow and be a better person.”
“I know. Collin was the first person that helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty that I survived the accident when the rest of my family didn’t. He also pointed out that if the accident hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be living here and would never have met you or Riley. That maybe there was a force pulling me here. That maybe you and Riley needed me.”
Eileen turned from the sink, tears glistening in her eyes. “We did need you. You have been so important to me and so good for Riley. I have often thought the same thing. Losing Tucker was horrible, and I never want to go through such agony again, but that event brought me back here as well. I believe that you and Collin were meant to be as well. There was a connection and bond between you that is rare. So don’t lose all hope—you just never know what might happen down the road.”
“I’m not holding my breath. Lacey and Savannah are his life right now, he made that perfectly clear. It’s hard though; so many little things make me think of him. I miss him so much.”
“It’s only natural that you miss him. I miss Tucker every day. You’ve become a stronger person, though. Maybe you don’t see it or feel it, but I can see it in you. You blossomed with Collin in your life, but you still held on to your fears, like you couldn’t shake them. Recently, you are more confident, more self-assured. You do deserve to find happiness in your life, and it will happen.”
“I know. You’re right. I’ve been sleeping a little better the last few nights, and it is easier to think of Collin without bursting into tears. It’s bittersweet, though.”
“I understand. It’s still difficult for me to go through photo albums. To roll over at night and not have Tucker by my side is hard. He often teased me unmercifully and I would get so angry, but now what I wouldn’t give for him to tease me. I long for him to leave the toilet seat up, or to squish the toothpaste from the center instead of rolling it up the bottom. Those little things that bugged me so badly then are now precious memories. I realize that getting upset over such trivial things was such a waste. It’s the little quirky things that I think about so much, and it’s all those little things that I can’t get back. To look at Riley and see so much of his father in him, and know that he’ll never have the chance to know his dad, is really hard.”
“I can’t even imagine how you have survived.”
“I had to for Riley’s sake. There were times I just wanted to crawl in my bed, yank the covers up over me, and never come out. I would grab one of Tucker’s old shirts that I hadn’t washed, where I could still smell his cologne, and hug it tightly against me and cry until the tears wouldn’t come anymore. So many of those times Riley would come creeping in, like he knew I needed him. He’d hug me, and I knew that I was lucky. I still had a piece of Tucker with me in Riley. I would always hold the memories of Tucker in my heart, and no one could ever take those away from me. So I continued to get up and moved forward. One day leads to the next, and before long, you realize that weeks have passed and you’re still moving forward, and then months have slipped by. The pain starts to lighten, and you realize that life does go on.”
I slipped off the bar stool and walked the few steps to where Eileen stood and gave her a big hug.
“Thanks. I can’t tell you how much your help and support have meant to me.”
Eileen’s arms wrapped around me tightly, and then she stepped back. “Thank you, Bailey. It goes both ways. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience so much heartache in your short life, but things will get better.”
“I’ll survive, right?” I attempted a slight smile.
Eileen reached over and squeezed me one last time.
She smiled at me. “Yes, you will, and in the end you’ll be stronger.”
~ Collin ~
It was another day at work. I glanced over at the clock for the hundredth time and wasn’t surprised that it had barely moved from the last time I’d looked at it. The days dragged on without Bailey. So many times I had picked up my phone to call her but then stopped myself. I knew that I had to leave her alone. I couldn’t be the cause of any more pain for her; she’d been through too much as it was. She was strong, and I knew she’d get through this and eventually find someone else to love, someone who could give her more than I could. But she would always hold a special place in my heart, and I doubted anyone else would ever be able to claim it like she had.
It was almost Thanksgiving, and this year I wasn’t looking forward to the holidays. Over the past few months, I had kept in contact with Quinn. I tried to be as casual as possible asking questions about Bailey and finding out how she was doing. So far, Quinn had said that she wasn’t dating anyone, and on the one hand, that at least comforted me somewhat. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t blame her if she was seeing someone else. After all, I was the one that pushed her away; I wanted her to be happy and move on.
Lacey asked about Bailey often, always wondering when Bailey was going to be coming to see her again and wanting a play date with Riley. It was hard to find answers that Lacey would accept. I had tried to explain the truth to her, but she seemed to conveniently misunderstand and not accept what I told her. I guess that was t
he privilege of being five: you could create your own world. I couldn’t blame her. Life could be cruel, and she would learn that soon enough, so there was no need to push the issue with her now. Maybe I’d at least be able to find a way to arrange for her to see Riley again.
Over the past few months, Savannah had been a constant companion. I knew she wanted more than friendship from me. I had been very blunt with her, letting her know I wasn’t looking for anything more than friendship. She seemed to have accepted that and we had found a comfortable truce between us, so now I was able to enjoy her company. I cared about Savannah. I probably always would in some fashion; she had been a part of my life for too long.
During the past couple of weeks, I’d even kissed her a couple times, but it had felt like I was kissing my sister—there was no spark between us. That alone solidified in my mind that nothing more could ever come out of the relationship. Each time that line had been crossed, all it had done was make me long for Bailey even more. The connection that Bailey and I had was unique. The energy that would pulse through me whenever we had been together was like nothing I had ever felt before with a girl.
Trying to focus back on the line of customers I had in front of me, I caught the smell of Bailey’s perfume in the air. My heart started pounding, and I quickly glanced around, searching the faces in the store for any glimpse of the love of my life. Could she really be here? It was then I realized that it wasn’t Bailey; it was a young lady in her early twenties who was next in line. When she stepped forward to put her items on the counter, the fragrance of her perfume was almost overwhelmingly intense. My heart fell, and I chided myself; did I really expect Bailey to be here? No, I knew better. I smiled at the lady and proceeded to ring up her items. I was really beginning to question my sanity though and wondered if I would ever get over Bailey. Turning back to my register, I finished helping those in my line.
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