A Healing Heart

by Melissa A. Hanson

  Finally, much to my relief, my shift was over. After clocking out, I left the store and walked outside. The sun was setting in the distance and the weather was starting to turn cold. For all the extreme heat in the summer, Las Vegas could get pretty cold during the winter. As I was sliding into the Camaro’s driver’s seat, a text from Quinn came through.

  Bailey’s in the hospital. They think it’s her appendix, she’s going into surgery. Just thought u might want to know

  It was as if the life and air had been sucked from me. She had to be okay. People had their appendixes removed all the time, but this was Bailey and the thought of her going into surgery sent a stab of fear through my stomach.

  is she ok? what happened?

  Natasha and Bailey had gone to lunch yesterday. She was home sick today, thought it was food poisoning. Pains got worse, her aunt took her to the Dr. & they ended up in the ER

  keep me posted, when’s surgery?

  they r prepping her now

  ok, thanks Quinn

  no problem, I’ll let u know when I hear anything else

  ok

  The pain in my chest increased. I knew she’d be all right; but I ached to be there to make sure with my own eyes that she was okay. Starting my car, I left the parking lot and drove home, my thoughts flying in a million different directions. Before I reached home, I had made my mind up. I knew that I had to go see Bailey, to make sure she was okay, that I wouldn’t be able to rest without seeing her myself.

  After reaching the house, I ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Finding an overnight bag buried in my closet, I began throwing items in. I called my manager and asked for the next couple of days off; luckily it had been slow, and they would be able to cover my shifts. Grabbing my bag off the bed, I went downstairs to let dad know where I was going and was on the road in less than thirty minutes.

  ~ Bailey ~

  Lying in the hospital bed, I felt like my stomach was on fire and that a thousand knives were being shoved into it. My aunt sat at my side holding my hand. I hated the hospital, and being in here brought back too many bad memories. I curled into a ball, but nothing helped. The pain radiated everywhere; it was almost as bad as my broken ribs had been.

  “It’s going to be okay. Just a little while longer. You’re going to be fine,” my aunt tried to soothe me.

  “It hurts, bad.”

  “I know, honey. They’re getting everything ready.”

  “Just make it go away,” I pleaded.

  The nurse came in then and shot a sedative in my IV. Almost immediately I felt calmer, and so sleepy. The last thing I remembered was my aunt kissing my forehead.

  * * *

  I was groggy and my side hurt, but thankfully, not like it had before. I could hear the moan escape my lips as I shifted in the bed. There was a scent swirling in the room that was vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Just when I thought I could focus on it, the memory would slip away. I tried to open my eyes, but everything was blurry. There was a dark shape standing in the corner of the room, just next to the door. I tried to focus on it. It seemed familiar and a nagging sensation rolled through my body. It almost looked like Collin. Then I knew I wasn’t awake yet, I must be dreaming, ‘cause there was no way Collin could be here in my room. His name was on my tongue, I called out, but when I turned to focus on the shadow, it was gone. I slipped back into the darkness and slept without dreams.

  * * *

  The sun was streaming in my room, the brightness tugging me out of my deep sleep. I felt queasy, and it took me a minute to orient myself before I remembered I was in a hospital room. Opening my eyes, I found my aunt in a chair across the room asleep. Her head was kinked to the side; I feared she would have a stiff neck when she woke up. They had moved me into a different room; this one was smaller than the one I had been in previously. The smell of flowers was overpowering, and I noticed on the counter near the sink there were already several vases full of them and some balloons. The slight noise of me trying to sit up in bed woke my aunt. She immediately jumped up and came over to my side.

  “You’re awake. Good. How are you feeling?”

  “Sore, but better.”

  “You gave us quite a scare. They said everything went well—your appendix hadn’t burst yet, so that was good.”

  “Guess I should be thankful it wasn’t worse. Sure felt pretty horrible though.”

  “Oh, Bailey, you’ve been through so much. I wish it was me in here and not you.”

  “It’s okay, Aunt Rachelle. I’m just teasing. I’ll be okay.”

  My aunt scooted the chair next to the side of the bed and held my hand. It made me remember when I had sat in a similar chair months ago holding Collin’s hand. With that memory another one swam at the edge of my consciousness.

  “Hey, is Collin here?”

  “No, why?”

  “Nothing. Never mind.”

  “Why, Bailey? Were you expecting him to be here?”

  “No, not really. It’s just I have this vague impression that he was in my room when I was waking up. But I was probably just dreaming.”

  “Sorry, honey. I wish I could tell you he was here. I haven’t seen him or heard anything from him.”

  “It’s okay. Probably better that way.”

  “Mia and Natasha are waiting to see you. I’ll go let them know you are awake, then you need to rest so that we can get you home.”

  “Thanks.” I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the vague memory—was it real or was it just a dream? I didn’t know; I wanted it to be real, longed for Collin to be there, but I knew it was just wishful thinking. Mia and Natasha entered the room then, pulling me from my daydream.

  “Alright, you scared us to death. I’ve had enough of hospitals.”

  “Come on, Mia, be nice. You know Bailey didn’t end up in here on purpose,” Natasha laughed.

  “Oh, yeah, this is exactly how I wanted to spend my Thanksgiving holiday,” I joked back.

  “How bad does it hurt?” Mia asked.

  “It’s better now than it was for sure. The pain was intense. But I guess the drugs they gave me were pretty good. I dreamt that Collin was here.” I saw the looks that Mia and Natasha gave each other.

  “Oh, Bailey, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Natasha. It’s getting easier, I promise. Look, I can actually say his name without dissolving in tears.”

  Mia came over and gave me a hug. “You’re going to be fine. You have us to keep you busy.”

  “I know; you guys have been great. I don’t know what I would have done without you both. You’re the best friends anyone could ever ask for.”

  “I think we should have a big party when we get you out of here,” Natasha suggested.

  “How about a big slumber party, with popcorn, scary movies, and lots of ice cream?” I asked.

  “Absolutely!” Mia agreed.

  “Cool. Now to get out of this place. Trust me, you can’t get me out of here fast enough!”

  ~ Collin ~

  Standing in the corner of the hospital room, I stayed in the shadows. I had been able to slip past Bailey’s family and friends in the waiting room so that no one knew I was here. I had gotten lucky and the nurse on duty had been the same one that had taken care of me when I was in here after the car accident. She had remembered me and had allowed me in to Bailey’s room.

  Seeing Bailey there in the hospital bed was one of the worst things I had to witness. Watching her quietly in the dark, her even breathing, I longed to go over and kiss her, hold her. When she moaned in her drug-induced sleep, the life was sucked out of me. As her eyes fluttered open, my heart raced. Longing to be at her side, my body almost betrayed me. I knew, though, that I needed to slip out of the room before she knew I was there and before anyone else saw me.

  Just as I stepped to the door, Bailey called my name. Hearing her voice, shaky and faint, was almost my complete undoing, stopping me completely in my tracks. I spun around to look back at the hos
pital bed, but her eyes were closed again. With one last glance, I quietly left the room and walked down the hall to the exit.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  ~ Bailey ~

  Christmas break had arrived, and I was enjoying the time off from school. My cousins Darcy and Tanner were home for the holidays, and it was great having them around again. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed their company until they were back in the house. My aunt and uncle were excited to have their kids home as well, and there were several family activities planned during our vacation.

  Darcy and I stayed up many nights talking about the latest things in our lives. We had been keeping in contact after she had gone to college in Washington the previous fall, but it was different having her back home. She had gotten an internship through her college and had spent the previous summer working. At first I had been a little upset that she wasn’t planning on being home during the summer. I had missed her constant smile and our late night chats. But then after everything had happened with Collin, I was glad she wasn’t there to witness the heartbreak that I went through. She had lived through enough of my nightmares those first two years after the accident.

  Darcy was studying English literature; she planned to go on to get her master’s degree and teach in a university someday. Talking about college life with her had me realizing that I was going to have to decide soon what I wanted to do next year. Graduation would be here before I knew it, and I needed to focus on my future.

  Tanner, had finally been able to get a small vacation from the software company he worked for in the Silicone Valley. He was part of a research and development team and worked long hours so he didn’t get home much. My aunt and uncle had been able to visit him on several occasions, but I hadn’t seen him for over a year. He’d always been protective of me, and it felt good knowing he was there to turn to if I needed him.

  When he had gotten home, we’d had a late night talking while I spilled my guts to him, telling him all about my relationship with Collin. He had been a good shoulder to lean on and told me that life always had unexpected twists and turns and sometimes miracles did happen and maybe things would work out between Collin and me. It was a nice thought, but realistically, I didn’t think there was a chance for that.

  My aunt was bursting at the seams with excitement as she catered to all three of us and had gone all out this year with decorations. The Christmas tree was up, and the house was full of aromas from baking cookies and other sweets. Presents were slowly gathering at the base of the tree, and every day felt more and more like Christmas. Anticipation was growing in the house, everyone wondering what was in the colorfully wrapped boxes. This time of year was always one of my favorites: I treasured the excitement of finding the perfect gifts for those I loved and watching them open them. Receiving presents was far less interesting to me than giving them.

  It was just two days before Christmas, and today I was baby-sitting Riley. Since the weather was still unseasonably warm, I had promised him I would take him to the park. I had finished getting dressed and was flipping through my jewelry box for a pair of earrings when I came across the necklace from Collin. I stared at it for a long time before I slowly drew it from the back corner where I had tossed it after returning from Las Vegas. I had not been able to look at it or wear it since that last day I had seen Collin. Today, I held the small heart in my hand, the emeralds and diamonds glistening in the light, and I knew I could wear it again.

  I realized that the heart with its fragmented parts within a complete heart meant more than just an intriguing design. For so long I had felt that Collin had been the one to heal me, to help me recover from the nightmares that had plagued me. What I didn’t understand before was that no one could heal me; I needed to be able to heal myself.

  What Collin had given me was the chance to see that I was worthy of surviving, that there was a purpose for me. It was something that he couldn’t give me, no matter how much he had told me or shown me—it was something that I had to find within myself and accept.

  With the necklace in my hand I tried to focus on remembering what the emerald and diamond represented. The memory was just out of my reach; I couldn’t quite grasp it. Sitting on my bed, I clasped the necklace on, the gold chain and pendant cool on my neck. Opening the drawer in my nightstand, I pulled out my journal and flipped back to my birthday and the entry I had written that night.

  ...The emerald representing spring and a time of new growth and rebirth...that wearing an emerald brings wisdom, growth, and patience, is considered symbolic of love and fidelity...The diamond comes from a word meaning invincible and is durable, one of the strongest substances known to man.

  It was as if the pendant had been made for me, symbolizing so much more than just a little heart. Suddenly, I knew that even if Collin and I never saw each other again, he had been meant to come into my life, that through his love and the heartbreak of losing him, I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I would never be able to thank him enough, though one day I promised myself that I would thank him in person. I didn’t harbor any more anger, it had vanished over the months; I only wished him happiness.

  Feeling as if a burden had been lifted from my shoulders, I left the house with a sense of peace that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

  * * *

  The park was full of people and kids. Riley was running up and down the play equipment—swings and rings and slides—always so full of energy it made me exhausted just watching him. I was sitting on the same bench as I had the day I had encountered Collin here the first time. Today was the first time I could remember without the heart-stopping pain. My hand silently held the necklace at my throat, and it made me smile. The next thing I knew someone had thrown their hands over my eyes, blocking my view.

  “Guess who?”

  Laughing, because I would know her voice anywhere, I answered, “Darcy.”

  “Damn, how’d you know?” She removed her hands so I was able to see again. Darcy came around the bench and slid next to me, Tanner close beside her.

  “I’m psychic? What are you guys doing here anyway?”

  “I thought you just said you’re psychic.”

  “Okay, so I’m only partly psychic,” I laughed.

  “Tanner and I were out doing last-minute shopping. I knew you would be here with Riley so we just thought we’d stop in and say hi. We got a little something for Riley too. Thought he might like to play with it here at the park.”

  “Ah, how sweet. I’m sure he’d love that.” I was about to call for Riley when he turned and noticed us on the bench and came running. Reaching the bench he threw himself in Darcy’s arms. Before she’d gone away to school, Darcy had baby-sat Riley a number of times.

  “Darcy! I missed you!”

  “Hey, buddy! I’ve missed you too. Here, this is for you, from Tanner and me.”

  Darcy presented a big, colorful bag with snowmen all over it and bright red tissue paper sticking out. Riley’s face lit up and he was ripping out the tissue paper everywhere. At the bottom of the bag, was a bulldozer truck.

  “Yeah! A truck! Can I go play with it?”

  “Yes, but what do you say first?” I reminded him.

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Do you want me to come play with you?” Darcy asked.

  “Yes!” Riley reached out his free hand and tuggged Darcy with him to the sandbox. Darcy was always a sucker for trucks; she’d been like that since she was little. I laughed as they ran off together. Tanner slid over closer to me.

  “She never changes, does she?”

  “Nope, I sure hope she has boys when she gets older. If she ends up with girls, they’re all going to be tomboys.”

  I leaned my head on Tanner’s shoulder. “It’s really good to have you guys home. You shouldn’t stay away for so long.”

  “I know; it’s good to be home. You seem to be doing better. I know you’ve had it kind of rough lately.”

  “Yeah, well, tha
t’s life, right? I’m surviving. I’ve learned that I am a survivor and that I can get through about anything.”

  “You are a strong girl. It’s just taken you a while to see in yourself what everyone else already knew.”

  “Yeah, well, I guess I’m just a little slow about some things. Better late than never, right?”

  ~ Collin ~

  I stood in the shade of a tree watching Riley play in the sandbox with a pretty girl; she appeared to be a little older than Bailey. I’d never seen her before, but Riley obviously knew her. Bailey sat on the same bench where she’d been sitting on that first day I had run into her here; strange how things came full circle. This time, however, a guy sat next to her. I was too far away to make out her facial expressions, but I watched as she leaned her head on his shoulder—he was clearly someone that she cared for. My heart sank; it was almost too much to bear. I’d known deep down it would be a mistake to come here.

  Ever since the day I had seen Bailey in the hospital, I couldn’t get her out of my thoughts. I was always wondering how she was doing, what she was doing; constant thoughts of her overwhelmed me. I’d finally just gotten to the point that I couldn’t stand it anymore—I needed to come back and talk to her. I knew it was a possibility that she could be seeing someone, that she had every right to, but I still secretly hoped that she wasn’t.

  Watching her on the bench next to the guy, she seemed content, happy. As much as I wanted to be the one sitting there beside her, I was glad she had been able to move on. I only wanted her to find happiness—she deserved it—but it also left a huge empty feeling in my heart. Tearing myself away from the scene, I quickly walked back to my car and left the parking lot.

  Driving through town, I soon found myself back at the lookout. I parked the car off to the side of the road and sat on the hood, which was still quite warm from the heat of the engine. The valley stretched for miles in the distance. The last time I had been here was after seeing Bailey in the hospital. This was a special place for me, one where I could always find comfort and peace.