Feelin' the Vibe

by Candice Dow

  “It doesn’t matter. I just need you to be quiet. I mean, just be still for a moment while I rest my mind.”

  I bit my bottom lip, because I was seconds away from cursing him out. He had a lot on him and I knew it, so I didn’t want to be so shallow to think that his lack of affection had all to do with me. Maybe it was just stress. Maybe the summit had been his primary focus.

  I hopped out of bed to put on something less seductive, yet hoping he’d make mention of my attire. When I walked past him, he didn’t even look up. A piece of me wanted to throw a remote control at him. It wasn’t even worth it, though. I doubt he’d feel it as he gazed into space in a comatose manner.

  After slipping on some pajamas, I walked out of the bedroom en route to the kitchen. But I guess I was affection starved, because I stopped by Morgan’s bedroom and climbed into her queen-sized bed. Her room was always a peaceful retreat, because it reminded me of Tanisha. Pictures of her were everywhere, and her angelic spirit lurked there. Whenever I needed a hug, I went there.

  I lay there, trying to close my eyes, tracing every second since the ugly argument in the car. It just wasn’t clear. I wanted to talk to Kenneth, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being a burden for no reason. So I figured it was best if I hid out in Morgan’s room until he left. He used to ask for my assistance during events, but I had become more and more private when people began to ask about our pregnancy progress. At one point, I was so involved in his business that I knew all the interworking, event plans, workshops, and summits. Now, I’m lucky if I know anything.

  I drifted off to sleep and popped up around eight-thirty. Now in a mad rush to make it to my nine o’clock weekly staff meeting, I stormed out of Morgan’s room and into mine. The bed was made and the television was off. The house was completely quiet. After turning on the shower, I couldn’t resist the urge to call Kenneth.

  “Why didn’t you wake me up before you left?”

  “I left at seven-thirty. I didn’t expect you to oversleep.”

  “Okay, whatever. I’ll call you later.”

  I thought my snapping would cause him to soften up, to want to make me happy. He said, “Alright.” Then he hung up.

  The water tapping rapidly on the porcelain shower floor reflected my tingling nerves. When I stepped out of the steamy shower, I was determined to take back the power. Whatever was on Kenneth’s mind, whatever was bothering him was not and could not be related to me. At least, I didn’t plan to carry the burden for the rest of the day.

  9

  DEVIN

  The press conference was at twelve. It was now ten and Taylor had yet to understand my position. She was literally pouting like a damn baby. Our five-thousand-square-foot house made it easy for her to avoid me. I hoped when I walked downstairs I’d find her doing our regular Saturday ritual. Unfortunately, I didn’t smell her burning turkey bacon. Something told me I’d be eating a bowl of GOLEAN cereal before the meeting.

  After we came in from the hospital the previous night, she cried and repeatedly told me how selfish I was. I argued my point, but she was determined that I pull out. Needless to say, we were going to have to agree to disagree. Wasn’t totally sure what the ramifications of her not being there this morning would be, but I was definitely convinced it was my time.

  As I entered the kitchen, I heard the garage door and I looked out of the sunroom to see Taylor’s white Mercedes CLS backing out of the garage. She had her cell phone up to her ear and I ran my hand down my face. She was bundled in her black bomber jacket with a yellow scarf and hat. I picked up the cordless phone in the kitchen and dialed her number.

  She didn’t pick up and that made me angry. It seemed like she wanted to make me sweat. I pulled out the champagne that I bought for us to share the night before and made a mimosa. As I sipped, I dialed my daughter. The phone half-rang before she picked up.

  “Hey, Daddy.”

  Her voice alleviated all my stress. “Hey, sweetie.”

  “Daddy, guess what? I already wrote my Christmas list and all I want is a new laptop. I want a white one.”

  I chuckled. “Nicole, do you know you have a MacBook Pro? It’s silver because it’s more powerful than the white one.”

  “Well, I don’t want it to be powerful, Daddy. I want it to be pretty.”

  “Nicole, you are a trip.”

  “Why didn’t you call me last night? You said that you might come to see me last night.”

  I sighed. I’d completely forgot that it was my weekend to go to New York. “Baby, I had some things to take care of. I may come up for a couple of days next week.”

  “Well, I have a sleepover next week. So don’t come then.”

  “Okay, I’ll check your schedule before I come.”

  She giggled. It felt good that I could do no wrong in her eyes. Why can’t grown women be the same? The line clicked as Nicole talked about her Friday in school. It was Taylor. I was on a much more important call, so she had to wait now.

  After I chatted with Nicole my ex-wife, Jennifer, got on the phone. I said, “Guess what?” I waited for her response, but she waited for my story. I continued, “I’m running for Congress.”

  She screamed. “Really, Devin. Oh my God, that’s so wonderful. I mean, when, how? I want all the details.”

  “Actually, in the upcoming election. It was really fate. A really good congressman has taken the seat for years and he decided to retire at the last minute. He actually handpicked me. I’d worked on some committees with him in the last couple of years. The Young Democrats are behind me. Money is pouring in. My parents put up the base capital. So it’s on. I’ll be announcing it today.”

  “Oh my goodness. Devin, I wish I could be there.”

  “Thanks, Jennifer.”

  “So, what do you think your chances are?”

  “We think they’re pretty good.”

  “Devin, you really deserve this. I know you’ll be great.”

  I leaned on the granite countertop and appreciated her support. Jennifer and I hadn’t always been so close. In fact, there were years when I hated her, but all in all, she’d always understood my professional aspirations. Jennifer is a New York state’s attorney, and she ultimately plans to run for district judge. So she knew how important public office was for me. I reflected on my conversation with Mrs. Jabowski. What if I had stuck in there with Jennifer—how would my life be different? Just as the thought popped in, reality set in. Jennifer and I started out with a lie. She went as far as taking safety pins and poking holes in my condom packets, hoping to get pregnant when we’d been dating for only a month. I love my little Nicole, but I could never be with Jennifer like that. I guess everybody has a different issue. It’s all about what you can live with. We chatted for a while longer, and she pledged to support my campaign in any way possible.

  Finally, I dialed Taylor back. She picked up right away, but her tone was cold. She said, “Yeah, I was just calling to give you a status on my father. That’s if you care.”

  I took a deep breath. “How’s he doing?”

  “His speech will be fine. They want him to stay out of the pulpit for a few months, which will probably give him a heart attack. But aside from that, it looks like he’ll have a complete recovery. So that’s a blessing. And his spirits are good.”

  “Well, I’ll come to the hospital after the press conference.”

  Seconds passed before she spoke. “Well, have a good day.”

  It was good that at least she didn’t sound completely angry, but I couldn’t understand why she refused to be beside her man. I looked up at the clock and contemplated if I should ask. Even if she rushed home and changed her clothes, she wouldn’t make it.

  We decided to break in the conference room at the campaign office. Several volunteers were there to set up the office with snacks and drinks for our open house and candidacy announcement. When I pulled up, Curtis sat in his car talking on the phone. I hopped out of my car and Curtis followed suit. He nodded.

&n
bsp; “Man, you clean! See, you look like you belong on the Hill. That’s a nice cashmere coat you wearing.”

  “Get out of here.”

  We headed into the office and I put my coat on the rack. Curtis continued, “You got the Italian suit. A nice ten-thousand-dollar watch. Cuff links. Monogrammed shirt.”

  I laughed. “Man, get out of here.”

  Then he frowned. “Where’s your wife?”

  “Look, man. She’s not here.”

  “Wait. She knows you filed, doesn’t she?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Man, she let you come out of the house looking and smelling like money, to announce to all of Prince George’s County that you running for a major election, and she’s not here? Either she don’t love you or you pissed her off.” He laughed.

  “Nah, man. You know her father is in the hospital.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “Yeah, he’ll be okay.”

  “Yeah, ’cause we’re betting on his congregation for support.” He continued, “The other members of the Young Democrats should be here soon. That is if some of them aren’t already here.”

  We walked into the conference room. People began to pour in as my conscience began to mess with me. It didn’t feel right not to have her approval. Before the media arrived, I stepped out to call Taylor. When she picked up, I said, “I searched a long time for you and I don’t want to lose you because of this. So I’m begging for your support and I’m asking you to forgive me. And if you can’t do it, I will pull out of the race. We have until Monday morning to find another candidate.”

  I crossed my fingers, because I really didn’t mean it. She sighed, “Devin, I’m very mad at you because we talked about this, but I know this is something you really want and I don’t want to hold you back, because I don’t want you to resent me. I’ll try to support you.”

  I wiped the sweat from my forehead and headed back into the room. Seconds later, I looked up to find Taylor walking into the conference room. She wore a black Gucci pantsuit I had bought her with a zebra print collar shirt. I stood in shock as she removed her sunglasses from the top of her head and ran a finger over the longer side of her hair. Curtis yanked me in the opposite direction. I told him to hold up and walked over to Taylor. She smiled tightly.

  “Thank you, baby. Thank you.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they want you over there.”

  I grabbed her hand and pulled her over to the podium with me. It meant everything to me to have her there. I wanted to be the politician with the humble but powerful wife by his side. The lights came on, and I held Taylor’s hand and took questions. It now felt right. When the press conference was over, I hugged her. When she showed up, it made me feel better about marrying her. I’d begun to wonder if I got it wrong again, and I hadn’t been prepared to deal with the ramifications of another bad marriage.

  10

  CLARK

  When the girls came home for Christmas, they breathed life into the house for those four short weeks. I literally wished I could interrupt their education and force both of them to come home. Kenneth even seemed relaxed when they were here. But when they left in the middle of January, things returned to normal. As of late, normal for us was each calling to see when the other would be home, finding out what we were eating, and sleeping with our backs to each other. We had problems, but neither of us wanted to confront them. As long as he wanted to be stubborn, I was committed to being more stubborn. He was there physically, but his mind and heart were somewhere else. Consequently, the hostility grew like weeds between us. We were tangled up and couldn’t find our way out. So he worked late and I worked as much as possible. Otherwise, I would have lost my mind.

  My girls at the group home had done more activities than our budget provided for. So I sat at my desk going over grant proposals and planning fund-raising activities. I heard Ms. Teeny outside my office talking to one of the girls. I was certain she was on her way to my office to get me offtrack. I loved having Ms. Teeny working with me. She was the comic relief that I needed. She was all of four foot eleven, 110 pounds, and brown skin with small Asian eyes, and she was so animated that everything she said made me crack up laughing. When I complained about Kenneth, she’d say cheat on him and that would make things better in time. I wasn’t sure how much time I had. I’d rather be alone than in a home with someone who won’t talk. That life is for the birds. She walked into my office, carrying a stack of mail. So I’m not totally sure how many times she called my name, but when I looked up, she had a confused expression. I smiled. “What’s up?”

  Ms. Teeny said, “You know after the beginning of the year they start posting a lot of free teen seminars, and we have to register for them now.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “So if you have time, look through some of these pamphlets we just got today. Or if you need me to, I’ll look through them.”

  I blushed. “Thanks, I think I got it. It’s so good to have great employees.”

  “Oh, whatever, Clark. Don’t try to get me all hyped. You wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  She was right, because I’d had my share of losers, people who could care less about the girls. These girls were definitely my calling. After Tanisha was killed, it was revealed to me what my life was really about. It means nothing if you aren’t helping anyone. So I’ll be damned if I’ll have people in my own camp speaking to or treating these girls like they’re nothing. I try to hire mainly young people straight from college so that they care, and I can pay them a much higher rate than most sociology, psychology, and social work majors earn straight out of college. While we were doing the ground research, it appeared that pay correlates to the way the children are treated. I take cuts on what I earn to ensure I pay my employees at a competitive rate. That’s why it hurt me so bad when Kenneth showed his true colors. It partially dehumanized him. Why do I even want to make it right with him? Each time I got amped up and angry, I would remember that he’d been doing this a lot longer than me. Maybe he should have the privilege of being fed up, too.

  “Ms. Teeny, what’s up for the day?”

  “Your husband still ain’t giving you any.”

  “Nope,” I said, laughing.

  “That fool is crazy. He just as mean as he wants to be. Why he so mad?”

  “You tell me.”

  “If I was you I would just walk around the house naked.”

  I laughed. “Tried that.”

  “Well, hell. Maybe his ass is gay or he’s sleeping with somebody else.”

  “Who knows?”

  “Just plain ol’ crazy,” she said, standing up. “I’m going to lunch. You going to stay here working or you going to lunch?”

  “I’ma stay here.”

  After she walked out, I began flipping through some of the pamphlets. There were several nature retreats that I thought were good, but I would have to check the budget. I entered the registration deadline into my calendar, so I wouldn’t forget. My intent is always to get donations to take the girls on trips, but if I don’t get what I expect, I usually just go into my own purse. It’s worth it to me, though, when I see the looks on their faces when they are out of Baltimore, getting new experiences and meeting new people.

  Just as I reflected on why I do what I do, my eyes bulged out of my head. I flipped an envelope over: Girl Power, a girls’ empowerment conference, brought to you by Love My People. I slowly slid the envelope back over. Devin Patterson, Democratic Candidate, U.S. Congress, Maryland, District 4—2008. I swallowed, but a lump got stuck in my throat. Ripping the envelope apart, I tried to calm my excitement. When the pamphlet fell out, it confirmed the pounding in my chest. The head shot of my first love stared at me. I folded my lips in to constrain the emotions. My eyes watered, but not from sadness. I was overjoyed. Devin was everything he said he would be. We used to talk about life and our expectations out of life for hours at a time. It felt like he was smiling at me. I had sudden amnesia about all he’d done to hurt m
e—or maybe after so many years, after getting married, after suppressing all memory of him, I was finally at peace with our past. Even well into my marriage, the thought of Devin Patterson invoked so much anger in me that I had to pray every night to erase that part of my life from my mind.

  I flipped through the pamphlet. Love My People, a nonprofit organization run by Devin Patterson, was funding a free one-day girls’ empowerment seminar. There was no way that my girls could miss this. More important, there was no way I could miss the opportunity to see Devin. Everything else was on hold while I reminisced. While I daydreamed about the what-ifs, the office door opened and I nearly leaped from my chair. I giggled slightly when I looked up to see one of my workers. “Girl, you scared me.”

  She squinted and pulled her neck back, questioning my peculiar behavior. I laughed a little harder, because I felt suspicious, but I didn’t know why.

  “Oh, Dr. Winston is on the phone.”

  “Why didn’t he call my cell phone?”

  She shrugged and handed the phone to me. I answered, “Hey, babe.”

  “Hey. Why didn’t you answer your cell phone?”

  My eyes shifted to my cell phone and I noticed two missed calls. I shrugged as I looked at the log. “I don’t know. I didn’t hear it ring.”

  “Well, I was calling to see what we’re eating this evening.”

  “I’m thinking leftovers.”

  “Leftovers?”

  “Yeah, I have a lot of work to do.”

  “Okay, well, I’ll see you when you get home.”

  Hanging up from the obligated but empty phone call made me pick up the pamphlet again. Before I slipped too deep into the fantasy, I pulled up Google and plugged in Devin Patterson. He was newly remarried to a chick named Taylor, daughter of Bishop Jacob Jabowski. She was also an attorney. Just like Devin. He married image again. My pressure rose as I tried to convince myself that I was happy for him and was hoping she was really the one.