by Candice Dow
I expected him to laugh, too. Instead, he looked crushed and confused. His eyes looked lost as if he’d began to feel the guilt of what we were doing. I intertwined my fingers with his, “I’m sorry, Devin. I was just joking.”
He nodded and said, “You know Jason and I aren’t friends anymore.”
“Jason. Your best friend, Jason.”
He cracked a smile. “Yeah, my best friend, Jason.”
I didn’t really want to know what had happened. It obviously had something to do with Devin’s selfishness, because his confession came from left field. I wanted to suppress the realization that Devin was self-centered, but if I was considering risking my marriage for these deep feelings for him, I thought I should know.
“What did you do to him?”
23
DEVIN
I gulped down the remainder of my sake and proceeded to tell Clark how I met and married Taylor. I wanted her to react, but she literally sat across from me, stunned. Her mouth hung open and she shook her head slowly.
“Oh my goodness, Devin. That was just mean. How could you do that? That was so inconsiderate.”
“You think so.”
“Hell yeah. I would be sick if one of my close friends ended up with you. Relationships aren’t forever, friendships are.”
“I wish I never lost your friendship. You were always the one that told me the truth, not just what I wanted to hear.”
“Where is Jason?”
“I believe he’s still in Connecticut.”
“You should find him. You can’t keep leaving loose ends all over the place.”
I nodded and felt slightly bad that I’d even brought the situation up. I grabbed the wine bottle and put it up to my lips and swallowed. Clark laughed.
“Devin, you’re crazy. Stop!” she said, as she reached across the table to grab the wine bottle from me. “People are looking at you.”
“Man, you just made me feel worse about it. I need something to make me feel better.”
She grabbed my hand again. “You are selfish and I don’t know how you sleep at night. But I guess what most people are too scared to do, you’re just willing to take the risk. The same thing that I hate about you is probably the same thing that still makes you so exciting.”
“I thought you were going to say it’s the same thing that you love about me.” I reached over and held her other hand. “I never thought I was being selfish. I was just anxious to feel that feeling again that I had with you. I missed it. Didn’t you?”
She sucked in her bottom lip and brushed her brown hair from her face. I didn’t know much about her marriage or why she was here, but obviously she missed it, too. I wanted to lighten the mood some, so I settled the check and asked Clark if she still liked to smoke cigars.
“I haven’t smoked since we were together.”
“Let’s make up for lost time.”
We left the restaurant and headed over to my late-night cigar spot. I ordered the best cigars in the place. We sat in a cozy little corner to ourselves, drinking Crown Royal Reserve straight and puffing on our cigars. I played in her long, bronzed curls and looked into her eyes. This was supposed to resemble getting to know each other again, but this night confirmed that nothing had changed.
I leaned over and kissed her passionately. Her arms wrapped around my neck and I stroked her back. She was warm and soft just as I recalled. She even tasted the same. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. So we split the joint and headed back to my place.
Clark pinned me to the back of the elevator when we stepped in and pushed her hand down my pants. She moaned, “Ooh, it feels just like I remember.”
When the elevator doors opened, we fell into my apartment and began ripping each other’s clothes off. I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist. I sat her on my pool table and kissed her breasts, while my fingers made love to her. I rushed to my bedroom to grab a condom from the nightstand, only to discover that I didn’t have any. I was sure that I had some left over from my single days, because I had tons when I met Taylor. Obviously, Taylor and I had more sex than I realized. Shit. I paced back and forth. I didn’t know what to do. I slouched back out of the room. She sat patiently, seductively, on my pool table prepared to get the game on.
She said, “What’s up?”
“I don’t have any condoms.”
“I have some in my purse.”
I looked at her suspiciously. She smiled. “I have a group home with fast-ass teenage girls.”
I rushed over and grabbed her purse and handed it to her. While she fumbled, I proceed to taste her. My tongue traveled down and dipped in and out of her entrance. She whined for more. I pushed my thumb inside of her and cupped her crotch as I tantalized her clitoris. She clamped my shoulders. I stood up and she dangled the condom in front of me.
“Here, hurry up. I need to feel you inside of me.”
Her request sounded sincere but desperate, and I was anxious to make her feel better. Once I rolled on the condom, I lifted her up on me and submerged myself in her. Her vagina opened more and more with each stroke. We kissed passionately and moved slowly. While still inside of her, we waddled over to the bar stools. I fell onto the stool, with Clark straddling me. I pulled her hair back so I could see her face. I needed to stare into her eyes. This wasn’t a dream. I was with my baby again. We transitioned from the stool to the bed and I was afraid to ejaculate. I needed to be one with her for as long as possible. I didn’t want anything to break us up again. As I tried to control the biologically impossible, I exploded inside of her. The side of my face touched the side of her moist face when I dropped my head on the pillow beside her. I touched her face to see if it was sweat or tears. It felt like a little bit of both. I said, “Are you okay?”
“Yes, Devin. Just a little afraid.”
“Don’t be scared. I promise I won’t hurt you again.”
“Devin, don’t lie to yourself. You really can’t make that promise.”
I wasn’t sure I even knew how I could uphold that promise, but I knew I wanted to. “Look, I promise that I’ll do my best to never hurt you again. You like that better?”
She touched my face. “I like you, Devin.”
“I like you, too.”
It’s funny that as strong as the love was between us, we would only allow ourselves to verbally proclaim strong like. Love was too big of a cross to bear. I rolled over on my side and propped my head up on my elbow and admired her silhouette beside me, staring at the ceiling.
24
CLARK
I began to squirm around six in the morning. Guilt consumed me in the form of nausea. I was sick. I needed to speak to Kenneth. I wanted him to say something in the form of We can get through this. My hands stroked Devin’s shoulders as I questioned the spontaneity that was supposed to make me feel better. It was supposed to make me more desirable to my husband. So why did I feel like a lost slut?
Finally, I slid from the bed and tiptoed into the living room, searching for my purse and my clothes that were scattered around the floor. I pulled my phone out and sat Indian style on Devin’s soft leather sectional. I stretched Devin’s T-shirt over my knees. His scent lingered on me as I touched the screen to see if my husband still cared. Ms. Teeny called three times. Kenneth called twice. Sheena called shortly after Kenneth’s last call.
I dialed Sheena first, and the phone rang a few times before her voice mail picked up: “You’ve reached Sheena. Leave a message.”
I mouthed shit, because I needed to speak to her first, but I wanted to talk to Kenneth. As good as I felt with Devin, I still couldn’t suppress my obligation to my marriage, to the life we’d built. Though we were at a communication dead end, I wanted to say something, anything. I dialed home.
He answered on the first ring, but his voice was groggy. “Hello.”
“Baby.”
“Yeah, how’s it going up there? Sheena told me you went to sleep early.”
I looked up, th
ankful that He’d provided me with an alibi and that Sheena had stuck to the plan. “Yeah, I was so sleepy.”
“Why?” he snapped.
My heart plunged. I wasn’t sure if it was his normal arrogance or if he was insinuating something. “Mental fatigue, probably.”
“Did you get an estimate for the new beds in the group home?”
“No. Why?”
“Just asking. Did Teeny meet the new girl you hired?”
My eyes filled. I found the courage to say what I’d wanted to say for weeks. “Baby, talk to me. I’m tired of you talking around me and about everything except us.”
“Clark. Don’t start with all the emotion. While you’re there for your little mental break, there are things that need to be taken care of.”
Here I was, in another man’s house, emotionally pleading with him. Still, Kenneth acted as if I was irritating him. A tear rolled down my cheek. I tried to hold back the sniffing, because I didn’t want him complaining about that. I wiped my face and walked into the kitchen. When I opened the refrigerator door, I was happy to find several bottles of Corona lined on the side of the door. I looked up at the clock on the stainless steel microwave. Six-twenty a.m. Somehow, all I could rationalize drinking was an ice-cold beer.
“Kenneth, I just woke up and wanted to hear your voice. I didn’t call to talk about what I need to do. Teeny is taking care of it.”
“I know.”
Kenneth often made me feel that I could do nothing without Teeny. That was the sacrifice I made working with him. Somehow, he’d forgotten that I was a successful engineer before I followed my man. It always ate at me, but when he was emotionally available, it didn’t hurt as bad. With the absence of his affection, it felt demeaning and downright disrespectful. I rummaged through Devin’s utensil drawer for a bottle opener. Finally, I found it and quickly cracked the bottle open. I took a quick gulp.
“Okay, I’ll call you a little later this evening.”
“Aren’t you coming home later?”
It was funny how this conversation could have gone in an entirely different direction. My plan was to leave, but Devin begged me to stay another day. Kenneth’s attitude told me that it didn’t matter if I stayed a month. As long as the business was taken care of, it made no difference in the world where I was. Why not stay with a man that wants to be in my company?
“Nah, Sheena has this event she wants me to go to this evening. So I’ll be home tomorrow or Saturday.”
“A’ight. I have to get ready to get to the center.”
“Okay.”
Neither of us said good-bye. Instead, the call ended with no hope. I walked over to the huge window with a fabulous view of Manhattan. As I stood there numb, staring at the city, I wondered when or if we’d get it together. Certainly, my being here, with nothing under my T-shirt, feeling love for Devin, couldn’t be a remedy for a crumbling marriage.
I called Ms. Teeny for some encouragement. She always knew how to make sense of Kenneth’s mood changes.
“Did you screw his brains out dot com?”
I laughed. “First of all, I’m mad that you said screw. But to answer your question, I think I did a pretty good job.”
“I hope you did better than just a good job.”
“Ms. Teeny, stop!”
“Girl, I hope you used those tricks I taught you.”
She had me cracking up, loud with no consideration that it wasn’t even seven o’clock in the morning.
“Yes, I did all of them.”
“He was screaming for more. Haaaaaaaa!” she screamed. “Clark got herself another piece of ass, finally.” She spoke as if being faithful to your husband was a crime.
“Ms. Teeny, you are crazy.”
“No, girl, just crazy about new sex.”
It was no wonder Teeny was on her third marriage, but Bernard loved her to death. So she was obviously doing something right. As I fathomed that cheating could help my bad marriage, Devin walked out of his room, wearing nothing but his boxers. My bottom lip hung, and I was mesmerized. He smiled and mouthed, “Your husband?”
I shook my head and rushed Teeny off the phone. “Alright. I’ll call you later.”
Devin walked over and hugged me. He greeted me graciously without mumbling a word. We stood in the window, exposed, clinging to each other, wishing we could be this free anywhere. Moments later, he kissed my forehead. “You’re up early.”
“Yeah, I wake up early. You know?”
“You want to order breakfast?”
“Ah, I guess.”
“Remember those banana pancakes you used to love?”
“Yeah.” I said, flattered that he remembered such intricate details. Then again, he always loved to make me feel good, to comfort me, to spoil me. My head tilted slowly from side to side, wondering how he could still be so sensitive and considerate.
He stroked my hair and proceeded to roll off my order. “Banana pancakes, eggs over hard with cheese, and turkey sausage.”
“Exactly.”
He grabbed my hand and guided me to walk with him. We walked into the kitchen, and he picked up the phone and called the restaurant. He put his arm around me. Just then, he noticed the beer in my hand. As he placed our order, he pointed and mouthed, “What’s up with that?”
I pursed my lips and shrugged. He shook his head as if he wasn’t judging, just curious. I rubbed his face and each moment with him made me recall why I thought he was so perfect. It seemed he was just like wine, even better than before. He made me feel like a natural woman. Yet at home I was begging for R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
When our breakfast arrived, he said, “I was going to ask if you wanted to have mimosas, but since you’ve started off with beer…”
“We can put orange juice in beer.”
He laughed. “I haven’t done that crazy shit since—”
“—we were together.”
“Exactly.”
I hadn’t done so many things since I’d been with him. My life had been filled with service and structure. There was a time when that worked for me, but I was in desperate need of something more, especially since it seemed that I wouldn’t be having kids. As I walked into the kitchen to make our beer-mosas, I found myself blushing. Devin directed me to the black see-through cabinets. I poured equal portions of beer and orange juice into the flutes, while Devin set the dining room table.
I returned to the table and Devin sipped his drink. “It still tastes the same.”
“Really,” I said, tasting mine. “It is good.”
“Some things are just as good as the first time.”
I sank into my seat and my heart did the same. A piece of me wanted his statement to be true, but the reality that this would be as good as before could only be trouble. He looked into my eyes and said, “Some shit never changes.”
“I know, Devin. What is that?”
He shrugged. “It could be love. It could be chemistry.”
My mind had escaped from my marital drama and moved on to what I wanted from Devin and how I could achieve some sort of compromise. I picked up my fork, and the pancakes melted in my mouth. Nothing like the senses to rewind you back to a place in time. I was in Devin’s first apartment, eating breakfast with my man. We had no worries, no obligations, and we were each other’s significant other. Why didn’t we get it right the first time?
He interrupted my reminiscent mood by shaking my forearm, “So what are you going to do?”
“About what?”
“About staying an extra night. If you leave, that means this is it?”
“It, meaning?”
He smiled. “Meaning until you and I can get together again. I need to spend some time with Nicole and take care of some business. When I leave, I won’t be back until around nine. If you leave, I will be missing you and not enjoying time with my baby. If you stay, I’ll just be anticipating coming home to be with you.”
“Devin, I’m—”
He rested his hand on top of mine. “I kn
ow. It’s probably selfish of me, but it seemed like you were having a good time, too, last night. I mean, you’re not the same woman I met a week ago. You seemed like my Clark.”
It was flattering the way he took ownership of me. He was pleading a noncase. I was convinced that I needed this for me. If you don’t make yourself happy, you sure can’t make anyone else happy. Maybe this affair would save my marriage.
“I’ll stay.”
“Good,” he said, standing from the table and grabbing our plates. “Every little bit helps.”
He walked in the kitchen and threw the plates in the sink. When he turned on the faucet, I said, “I’ll wash them.”
“When I’m here, my housekeeper comes every day.”
I stopped in my tracks and did a slow U-turn. “Oh.”
“All I want you to do is have a good time.” He stood in front of me and brushed my hair back. My neck tilted, as I looked up at him. He planted a gentle kiss on my forehead. “A good, relaxing time.”
We went to his bedroom. He proceeded to run bathwater in the tub, while I tried Sheena again.
“Clark, why in the world were you calling me at six o’clock this morning?”
“Because I knew Kenneth probably called you.”
“He did and I told him you were asleep.”
“I just wanted to make sure.”
“Where are you, anyway?”
“I told you I got a hotel. I just needed a break.”
I heard Devin talking on the phone and completely blocked out Sheena’s voice. I stepped closer to the bathroom. “Taylor J,” he said. “I miss you.”
My heart sank. How could he be claiming to be having the time of his life with me, but missing her? I told Sheena I’d be to her house shortly and hung up. Posing in the doorway of the bathroom, I watched him quietly. When he noticed my presence, he wrapped his conversation up.
“Yeah, baby…. No, no. She’s out of school today…. Yeah…. No…. A’ight. Have a good day. I’ll talk to you later.”
I shifted my weight onto the opposite foot, wondering if he’d have the audacity to pledge his love while I stood there. He pressed END, and it seemed like a feeling of relief came over me. I felt bad, because I didn’t want him to be in marital bliss when I wasn’t.