Feelin' the Vibe

by Candice Dow

  I nodded and continued chatting with the various panelists. Finally, my walkie-talkie beeped. “Mr. Patterson, we’re about to get started. Can you come down to the gymnasium?”

  I pulled out my cell phone as I headed downstairs. Taylor didn’t answer the home phone or the cell phone. Shawna flipped through the pages in her clipboard, checking off the panelists that were already there. We decided to move the panelists from location to location, instead of moving the girls. That would cut down on a lot of the hysteria.

  One of the volunteers ushered me to a seat onstage. Once I sat down, Shawna flipped through her pad, “Mr. Patterson, is your wife here?”

  “No. She’s not here, yet,” I said, slightly embarrassed.

  “Okay, well, I asked for the panelists to check in no later than eight. I’ll have a backup take her place on that panel and if she shows up, she can participate in the afternoon.”

  I wished I could tell her that was wrong and that she should keep my wife’s spot, but I couldn’t. To be perfectly honest, there was no reason that Taylor wasn’t there, except for a lack of consideration. Suddenly, I was mad as hell. I couldn’t believe that she would just totally disregard this event.

  The gym was packed with tons of young ladies there to learn from all the powerful women we’d invited. Looking out over the crowd made me proud. This had begun as an election strategy, but the deeper we got the more excited I’d become.

  Another volunteer ushered in the rest of the panelists, and I hoped Taylor would surprise me and be there. Still, no Taylor. I flipped through my index cards, making sure my speech was airtight. Once all of the panelists were seated, Shawna stepped onstage and calmed the crowd. She talked about why we were here and gave me a serious introduction.

  “He is a man for the people. The founder of the Love My People Foundation. This foundation helps people of color all over the world. He believes that love can save our communities, our children, and our people. Mr. Patterson is on a path to change the way things are done and he carries our people on his shoulders. The next United States congressman from Maryland District Four: Devin Patterson, Esquire.”

  30

  CLARK

  Ms. Teeny glared at me as I gawked at Devin. He stood up at the podium. He wasn’t wearing a sharp suit as I expected, but an aqua Lacoste shirt and jeans. Even in his casual wear he looked like a leader. He was composed; his voice was clear and confident. Teeny mouthed, “He’s fine.” Then, she fanned herself. “Whew. Jesus, take the wheel!”

  Her antics made me smile, but my stomach tumbled endlessly. I missed Devin. Our two-day reunion played frequently in my head. I felt so complete with him. And although Kenneth and I were talking, I still felt empty, and I wondered if I ever felt something real. How could two days with Devin force me to question seven years with Kenneth? As his voice, his hope, spread through the crowd, I looked onstage for Devin’s wife. He was such a good man and he claimed to still be in love with me. What was I thinking to not at least see if he was telling the truth?

  As I went back to gazing at him, I wondered why I listened to Sheena, why I listened to my insecurities. I wanted to just hold him one more time. His spirit was so positive, so influential. I needed to feel him again. Teeny snapped her fingers, sitting a few seats away from me. When I looked at her, she mouthed, “Snap out of it.”

  I smiled, then Raven’s eyes caught mine. She turned her lips up suspiciously. I shifted my attention back to Devin. I wondered if he saw me, if he even wanted to see me. After he introduced the keynote speaker, he returned to his seat. He seemed to be preoccupied. His eyes were here, there, and everywhere. I wondered if he was searching for me. Did he remember I was coming?

  The crowd began clapping. Amerie had finished her speech, but I was studying Devin. I hadn’t heard a damn thing she’d said. The crowd began to shift around as the lady host instructed the groups to go to their designated rooms. She spoke loudly: “If you’re between twelve and fourteen, you will remain here. And…”

  Teeny looked at me and winked. “You want to stay with the twelve-through-fourteen crew?”

  I looked back to the stage, wondering what my chances were to talk to Devin alone. I shrugged. “Yeah, I’ll stay here.”

  It took about ten to fifteen minutes for everyone to move around. Finally when the dust settled, there was a panel on the stage and no Devin. I looked around and asked the girls to stay seated, while I went to the bathroom. After I found the bathroom, I walked aimlessly through the hallway, hoping to run into Devin. Back and forth and no Devin. I walked back toward the gym and there he was, standing at the entrance with another guy.

  My pace slowed because I wasn’t sure how I should act or how he’d react to me. He saw me before I was prepared. I thought he would smile, but instead he squinted like he wasn’t sure it was me. I smiled, reaching out my hand to shake his. He looked stunned, confused. He reached out for a hug.

  “Wow,” he said.

  The short, light-skinned, stubby guy he was speaking with reached out to shake my hand. “Hi, I’m Curtis Thorpe. I’m Devin’s campaign manager.”

  “Nice to meet you.”

  “It’s my pleasure.” His eyes returned to Devin, questioning who I was.

  Devin spoke, “Curtis, this is Clark. We went to Hampton together.” Nodding, he continued, “She’s a really good friend of mine.”

  Curtis smiled politely. Devin gave him a look that asked him to excuse us, and Curtis walked away. He ran his hand down my face. “You know you hurt me, right?”

  “Devin, how did I hurt you?”

  “Clark, I think you think I’m trying to be a player or something.”

  “I don’t know what you’re trying to be, but I heard you tell your wife you missed her and there was so much love in your voice. It just scared me, I guess.”

  “Do you love your husband?”

  My eyes shifted to the floor as I nodded.

  “But obviously something is missing, right? You say you have more to lose. Have you looked around here today? Look at all the people I would hurt, but it’s worth it for me.”

  I looked up at him. I had to go with what I felt and ignore all the history that told me differently. “Devin, I—”

  The young lady that introduced Devin walked toward us and grabbed Devin’s arm. She looked me up and down. “We need you in here,” she told him.

  She nearly dragged him onto the floor. I couldn’t remember her name. I wondered if she was his wife, because she looked as if she wanted to know why her man was hemmed up in the back of the gym, having an intimate conversation with me. He raised his finger. “Ms. Winston, we’ll finish this conversation in a minute.”

  When I snuck back into the workshop, my girls were surprisingly well-mannered and even asking questions. It seemed like they never noticed I was gone. I shifted around, back and forth in my seat, wondering if Devin would walk in to get me or what.

  I felt like I was twelve and had just gotten a new love note from a boy in my class: Check yes or no. At this moment, I wanted to check yes. The only problem I was having was what was our purpose, and where were we going, or how did we plan to keep this going.

  Devin appeared in the door and gave me a nod. My heart sank, but I excused myself again and walked to the door. He started walking and asked me to follow. I felt the girls would be fine until I returned. We snuck off to a little room and Devin held me in his arms. I felt protected. He kissed my forehead.

  “Clark, what made you come here today?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’m glad you came.”

  “Was that your wife that came to get you?”

  “Not at all. My wife’s not here.” He let me go and laughed. “She’s not here.”

  “Why?”

  He hung his head. “Clark, I don’t know. I wish I knew.”

  “Did you ask her to come?”

  “She was supposed to be on one of the panels.”

  I didn’t ask any more questions. Instead, I m
ade assumptions. How could you let your husband put on an event of this magnitude and not be here? “Its okay, Devin.”

  “That’s cool. You’re here. That’s all that matters.”

  He sat on one of the writing desks in the room and I leaned in between his legs. He wrapped his arms around my waist. “Clark, did you leave because you felt like I loved my wife, or did you leave for another reason?”

  “I’m afraid that I’ll be the one to get hurt.”

  He stared in my eyes. “I promised that I would never hurt you again. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Before all of this, before anything, you loved me for me, and that’s priceless. Especially for a man like me.”

  “So, would you leave your wife for me?”

  “If we decide we want to be together, yes. I’ve cheated myself long enough.”

  It felt like he meant it. “Do you think we’re being honest with ourselves by thinking we want to be together?”

  “We’ve already loved each other before and we were happy at one time.”

  “But Devin, we were young.”

  “Did you feel the same in New York?” I nodded. “A’ight, then. Feelings aren’t rocket science. You either have a connection or you don’t. And we have it. Always have.”

  His walkie-talkie beeped. “This is Mrs. Dillon. I need everyone to the hospitality room now.”

  He jumped up from the desk. “I’ll be back. Stay here.”

  “Devin, I have to go out there with my girls,” I said, following him.

  We walked out of the classroom and, of all people, I saw Raven out in the hall on her cell phone. I was shocked. She gasped and I wanted to run back into the room. There was no way I could explain creeping out of a deserted classroom with some man. I said, “Raven, why aren’t you in your workshop?”

  She rolled her head. “Why aren’t you in yours?”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  She sucked her teeth and walked in a different direction. “It’s down this way. Ms. Teeny is in there. You don’t have to hold my hand.”

  I didn’t care to hold her hand, because my palms were sweaty. She was no fool. Clearly, she knew something was going on. I just hoped she kept her mouth shut. I headed back to the gym and my heart pounded in my chest. The fear rummaging in me suggested that I wasn’t cut out for this, but, like Devin said, “We couldn’t deny the feeling.”

  Devin rushed around, handling business for the remainder of the conference. We got another second to talk. He said, “I’m going out of the country on Monday and I’ll be back in two weeks. I want you to think about everything we talked about while I’m gone. I don’t want you to get cold feet again.”

  “Where you going?”

  “I’m going to Nicaragua.”

  “With your wife?”

  “No, I’m going alone. It’s an outreach mission.”

  I didn’t know what he meant by outreach mission, but I felt like I wanted to be a part of it, or a part of him. “Can I go?”

  His eyes stretched open. “What are you going to tell your husband?”

  “That I met some women from another group home going on an outreach mission to Nicaragua and I wanted to go.”

  The lie popped in my mind so quickly and effortlessly that I felt that it must have been meant for me to go.

  31

  DEVIN

  Taylor’s blatant disrespect made me more interested to see where things would go with Clark. When I held her, all I could think was that if she were my wife, she would have been there. Instead, my wife had a hangover. It was clear: I had made another crucial mistake. While I was so focused on having a wife to show some stability, I didn’t pick the right one once again. I needed a woman that was down for the ride and cared a little about the community. I couldn’t blame anyone, because people let you know who they are when you meet them. Taylor never planned to be a politician’s wife. She loved her social, carefree life. This was more than she bargained for, having to wake up on Saturday mornings to do a conference. Taylor would probably make out better with the average nine-to-five guy that makes a bunch of money for her to spend.

  I sat there in the classroom with Clark and stared in her eyes, admitting that if she left her husband, I would leave Taylor. If that meant blowing this election, that’s what it would be. The way I saw it, I was thirty-two and I had a bunch of years ahead of me. At least, neither of us would live a lie any longer.

  Taylor sent me a text around two o’clock: BABY, I WAS SO SICK. I WAS THROWING UP ALL MORNING. HOW DID EVERYTHING GO?

  I didn’t even respond. She was technically still single in her mind. The whole idea of this partnership was a joke to her. I went into the computer resource room and printed out my entire itinerary for Clark. I needed her with me and I wanted to be sure that she had all the information.

  When I walked into the gym for the wrap-up, I searched for Clark. Before I got onstage, I walked through the crowd until I spotted her. She sat there laughing and talking to her girls. Several of the girls clung to her arms. I stood there and absorbed it for a moment. She was beautiful, even more so now than before.

  Shawna stepped up behind me, startling me. “Mr. Patterson, we need you on the stage in five.”

  She kept moving. And I pulled out an envelope and folded it, stooped down beside Clark. When I handed it to her, she looked at me strangely, questioning my boldness. She quickly slipped the envelope in her purse.

  “Ms. Winston, this is the information about the trip, if you’re really interested.”

  “Thank you so much,” she said passively.

  When I stood up and walked away, I could hear her girls saying ooh and aah. I kept my head up and headed to the stage, and didn’t look back. I jumped up onstage and grabbed the mic.

  “Did everyone have a good time?”

  They cheered and clapped. I looked over at the panelists and said, “Many thanks to my panelists for taking time out of your busy schedules to come save the next generation.”

  The girls stood to their feet, giving the panelists a standing ovation. I allowed the whistling and clapping to go on for several minutes. “Okay, so how many people are going to use what they learned this week in school?”

  They raised hands and called out. I laughed and continued to motivate them. Finally, I brought the conference to a close, but I was still excited and convinced we should do this every year. I was high from the conference, high on the possibility that Clark was going to Nicaragua with me.

  32

  CLARK

  When I stepped in the house, Kenneth was nowhere to be found. I was glad that I didn’t have to have a high-level conversation with him. After watching Devin speak on that stage and witnessing how people responded to him, I stopped questioning my feelings. He was a man with everything, with personality and sensitivity, and he claimed that all he ever wanted was a chance to make it right with me. I would be crazy to stay here and forgo the chance at true happiness again.

  I sat at my home computer and pulled out Devin’s envelope. He enclosed a short note with the credit card number and all of the instructions. I booked a round-trip ticket to Managua, Nicaragua. Once I arrived there, depending on what day, Devin would meet me there and we would fly to Corn Islands. I was simply down for the ride. As for the mission—the only mission I had was to see how serious Devin was about us.

  Surprisingly, I found a flight for below four hundred dollars, and for some reason I felt it made sense to buy it on my card and not Devin’s. I wasn’t certain why he was so sloppy, but I had his back. So, there was no need for him to worry.

  Devin’s instructions told me to wear neutral colored clothing and no expensive jewelry, bring no expensive purses, and to pack lightweight hiking clothes as well as things for the beach. Plus, I needed to buy insect repellent with at least 30 percent DEET as the active ingredient to keep the mosquitoes away, since I wouldn’t have a chance to take the necessary malaria medication. I was risking it all. Once I had my ticket, I se
nt Devin a text with the flight information and arrival time. He responded: FANTASTIC, I GET IN ABOUT TWO HOURS BEFORE YOU. MEET YOU IN MANAGUA. HASTA LUEGO, CHICA.

  My adrenaline was racing, as I rushed from the house and to Target to buy some necessities for the trip. I had yet to discuss my trip with anyone, not even Teeny. I didn’t want anyone talking sense into me. It felt good to lose my mind. Simply flying to a country that I knew absolutely nothing about was somehow thrilling. And going there to be with Devin was even better.

  Before I got home, I called Teeny and told her the plans. If anyone would support this decision, I knew she would.

  “You have lost your damn mind, Clark! You are not going to some third-world country for a piece of ding-ding!” she exclaimed.

  “Teeny, it’s not a piece of ding-ding. Devin and I are going there for a medical mission and to see what we want to do.”

  “Clark, where are you?”

  “I’m in Columbia, on my way back home.”

  “Pull over. Right where you are. So, I can come out there and knock some sense into you. You just need a fling. You don’t need to be flying to Nicaragua to see this man.”

  “Already got my ticket.” I said.

  She paused. She began to speak and paused again. Finally, she said, “Jesus, take the wheel!”

  I laughed. “Ms. Teeny, I got this.”

  “How do you have this and you couldn’t even handle a one-night stand with him? What has changed?”

  “It’s what hasn’t changed. Some people just have a hold on you. Sometimes you can’t fight the feeling any longer.”