I knew if I held Maven right then he’d smell familiar. That Banyan would have paint under his fingernails and that his lips were soft. If Chance were here, he’d be tugging on my hair by now. This was the last time I’d ever be near them like this.
After, it would always be distant, awkward, or even hostile.
Girl dies from broken heart… It was cliché but I could even see it on my gravestone. My parents would come back. They’d fine me…
“Giovanna?” Banyan called my attention. “What’s wrong?”
Okay. Time to do this. “I came to say goodbye.”
They looked at each other. Maven spoke. “We’re not leaving until the end of the week. Two more days.”
“No, not you leaving.” That would be too easy. “I’m here to say goodbye because I’m ending this. Or, I’m officially ending this. You guys did without telling me. I just… thought it deserved an official period at the end of the sentence.”
Banyan cleared his throat. “I think I’m missing something. When did I end this?” His voice raised with each word. “What the fuck is going on?”
“Banyan,” Maven’s voice was low. “Stop yelling.”
“I get to yell.” He didn’t lower his voice. “She’s breaking up with us.”
I shook my head. “The agreement was that we’d do this as long as it was just us. It’s not just us anymore. So it’s over.”
I wouldn’t tell them how I hurt. I wouldn’t let them know how this tore me in half. They’d been blasé. I would be, too.
Maven rounded on Banyan. “Did you do something?”
“Don’t fucking look at me. And I know it’s not Chance.”
I shook my head. They were going to act like they didn’t know? “The girls you’re taking to the formal. The one you’re having sex with.” I directed that last one to Maven. “They told me all about it this morning. Couldn’t wait to let me know.” I cleared my throat. “So it’s goodbye.”
Banyan shoved Maven’s shoulder. “I thought you were going to explain last night.”
“How and when would I have done that? I haven’t seen her in two days.” Maven yelled back.
“I thought you were going last night. I thought that was what you said,” Banyan countered.
Maven shook his head. “No, it was supposed to be you. And you were going to go through the whole thing.”
I was done with this. They could argue about who had told me what another time. They didn’t need me with them to do it. “I’d have preferred to say goodbye to Chance, too. I’ll send him a note. Thank you for rescuing me. I’m going to always remember this time as the best in college. I hope all of your dreams come true.”
“No.” Maven shook his head. “You need to listen.”
“I don’t, actually. I’ve got to go.” I turned on my heel. My tears were too close. I wouldn’t let them see them.
Three cars skidded to a stop in front of the house. They were campus security. The man I’d spoken to earlier got out, calling as he did. “Maven, we need to speak to you.”
“Damn it,” he yelled behind me. “Giovanna, come on. This isn’t right. And I fucking can’t do this right now.”
Well, he didn’t have to. I took the stairs two at a time, but not before I heard Banyan call after me, “You just told Chance you didn’t want anything to do with the fraternity.”
He was right. I didn’t. They could take their fraternity formal and they could just… Oh, I couldn’t come up with anything. I was done.
Things would eventually get back to normal now.
They had to.
My life wasn’t colored like this.
There were times that there was just too much pain for tears. Mine had dried. I felt… nothing at all.
I didn’t get to wallow in my nothingness. I had to text Chance, as I’d said I would, but for whatever reason my phone was not working. My texts weren’t sending. Molly arrived back in the room and offered to take me to the local service provider to find out what was happening. It was there that I took the next blow in my life—my parents hadn’t paid my phone bill in several cycles and the service was now suspended.
A headache flared to existence right between my temples, and by the time I came back to the dorm I wanted silence and darkness.
“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
Molly waited until I’d officially lain down in the bed to talk to me. I really didn’t but I didn’t suppose I had any choice since she’d been with me through this whole ordeal to begin with. “I ended it with Maven, Chance, and Banyan. Well, I guess technically they did. They’re taking other girls to the formal.”
She sighed loudly and sat on the edge of my bed. “Why are men such assholes sometimes?”
“I don’t know.” I laughed, which forced the tears I wasn’t shedding from my eyes. I quickly wiped them away. “And my parents are really letting me down. I mean, I’m trying to stay upbeat about it, but when they went to the other side of the world, they promised me they’d still see to it that my needs were met.” I held up the phone. “I seem to have been forgotten.”
Molly nodded. “You do.”
That was the thing about Molly, she never sugarcoated anything. Since I was doing this, I was just going to throw myself into it. “I’m failing math and almost failing science.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Wow. It really sucks to be you right now.”
A knock sounded on the door and my heart stuttered. Had one of the guys, or all of them, come by? Molly side-eyed me. “What do you want me to do if it’s them?”
At least we were on the same page, sort of. “Do?”
“Never mind. This is you. You’ll face them with truth and honesty because that’s what you do.” When she said it like that, it didn’t sound like a good thing that I did those things. But what did I know? I wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
Instead of the guys, it was Connie. She stared into our dorm room like she’d entered another world. What was she doing here?
I got out of my bed, and despite my migraine, I padded over to the door. “Hi. Did I miss work?”
I hadn’t thought I was on the schedule but if they’d tried to contact me in the last hours I was unreachable. “And how did you get in here?”
Connie waved her hand in front of her. “They act like this school is Fort Knox. I waited outside. Some young man thought I was someone’s mother and let me. The way you are all so sheltered that you think every older adult arriving is trustworthy is sort of adorable. It’s also why your school is burning. I got your address from your paperwork you finally completed last week and, no, you didn’t miss work.”
Well, that was a lot of information. “Not that I’m not glad to see you but I’m having a bit of a night.”
I loved my bosses. I couldn’t decide if Kay was really psychic or just weird. In any case, she was endearing. The shop was popular because she did just seem to know what people needed. And Connie had an incredible sense of business.
They were good to me. My meager salary paid for extra groceries, school supplies, and an occasional dollar movie. But I was grateful for the job and wasn’t going to do better in the work department until I earned the degree I was currently close to not getting thanks to math.
However, all of that didn’t explain why Connie was standing in my doorway. “What brought you tonight?”
She held a bag out in front of her. “Kay says you have to have this and you have to have it tonight. It cannot wait and it has to be me that brings it to you. I learned not to argue with her when she got into this kind of mood. I learned it early. I think I was about four.” She handed the black garment bag over to me. “So here you go.”
I stared down at it. “What’s in it?”
“A dress.” Connie rapidly blinked in a way I occasionally saw her do. I wondered if it was an eye tic, but it wasn’t the kind of thing you asked someone. “Do you need a dress?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t and I can’t pay for this.”
Connie shrugged. “It’s a gift, I guess. Well, in any case, enjoy.”
I set the bag down on the bed. “Thank you. And please thank Kay.”
Connie smiled. “I will. Giovanna, walk with me a second, will you?”
I looked over my shoulder at Molly. She’d sat down at her desk and she was pretending to study. I knew it was fake. She didn’t have any books she actually used stored in here. They were all at R.J.’s. Although I had a hard time imagining him studying anything.
I closed the door behind me and followed Connie toward the stairwell. She didn’t speak until we were at the edge of the stairs. “I can’t help but note that there are three different guys picking you up regularly.”
Well, that was unexpected. I hadn’t in any way thought she’d noticed anything about me. Chance had been there most days, but Maven came on occasion. And Banyan showed up once. That would be over now. Of course, I’d never think about walking on ice the same way again. My throat threatened to close. How on earth was I going to survive this?
“Are you okay?” She put her hand on my arm.
This was the person who gave me the money I had coming to me in the world. I couldn’t screw this up. “Those guys aren’t in my life anymore. I’m… I’m fine.”
She squeezed the place on my arm where her hand remained. “That’s too bad. What I was going to say to you was none of my business. That’s usually Kay’s job, to be a butt-in-ski. But I’m perfectly willing to take the job this time. I was going to tell you that just because something is different doesn’t necessarily make it wrong.”
That was a funny thing to say. “I suppose I agree.”
“Kay and I ended up here, away from Hollywood where Kay had gone and Oregon where I had a great job in an accounting firm because we both fell in love with the same man. He lived here. We met him one day on vacation, a trip she and I decided to take together. It was unconventional to say the least but we both married and loved him for our whole lives.”
I sucked in my breath. “And you both lost him.”
She looked away. “That’s right. He’s gone now. We share that pain, too. We always had each other. It worked for us. I’m sorry your heart is broken. Maybe if I had told you earlier it would have helped?”
I had to search for words. I knew this feeling well. Only lately had it lifted, only lately had I felt confident in my ability to express myself so I hadn’t worried about what I’d say. “They found other people. They’re taking them to a dance. So, no, I really don’t need a dress.”
“Huh.” Connie dropped my arm. “Sometimes Kay is wrong. Be careful. All those fires. I keep thinking of you. We’ve never had an employee stay so long or seem to accept us for our eccentricities without pause.”
I loved how she spoke, the rhythm of it. “What eccentricities?”
“You’re a nice girl, Giovanna. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Have a good spring break. We’ll see you when you get back. And the way they all sat there waiting for you? I have to say, I’m shocked they’d treat you in such a blasé manner.”
She and I both. “Yes, ma’am.”
I watched her leave, taking the stairs two at a time. Connie had a tremendous amount of energy. I hoped she always would.
I stared at the ceiling. There were inevitable questions. If my phone worked would I have messages from the guys? They were very busy. I rubbed at my eyes. I was so tired, but I didn’t know how long it would be until I slept again. I’d gotten used to them with me.
That turned out to be dangerous. I might never let anyone close in the future unless I could be certain they’d stay forever.
And how did anyone ever know that?
My employers had shared a husband. I could see it. But how had it worked? Had they been public about it or had they had to lie and keep up the fabrications as the situation allowed? The women didn’t have children. Had that been purposeful because of their marriage or otherwise dictated?
I rolled over. I couldn’t imagine the life they’d led. I was going to ask more details now that they’d opened this door. Just as soon as my mind could work and my mouth would make up words.
I wasn’t such a romantic that I didn’t believe there would never be a time when I wouldn’t feel better. There would be. I’d stop being numb. I’d move on. People lived through divorce and death. I’d make it through this. The question was who would I be when it was over?
I couldn’t use a phone and maybe that was a good thing. I scooted out of my bed and made my way over to my computer. I still had email. The college provided my Wi-Fi. I logged on and wrote an email that should have been a long time coming.
I’d hit rock bottom, and it was beyond time I told my parents some truth.
Mom and Dad,
I hope you’re well and that your business in India is going well. Have you made any headway in getting them to speak to you? I’m not doing so well. I’ve had my heart broken. I know that is probably not all that interesting to you so I’ll move on from that to the topics I know will hold your attention.
My hands shook, but I kept typing.
I’m failing math and at this point I’m not sure how to pull myself out of this hole. Science is also not going well. All of this is likely made worse by the fact that I am stretched so thin. I have to work because you have ceased doing what you told me you would do—to continue to support me from a distance. I realize that I am spoiled. I realize there are tons of people out there much worse than I am. But, if this is to be the case, I think I need to leave Denberg College. I’m not cut out to live like this here. Perhaps another university where the student body is less affluent would be a better fit for me. Everything seems like it’s so much more expensive here, like they can charge more for coffee because everyone can pay it. I can’t keep living off ramen noodles and the cafeteria isn’t always open on weekends. I’m in trouble academically. Maybe it makes sense for me to transfer, cut my losses, or drop out altogether.
I know I’m not the daughter you hoped for. But I’m the one you have.
I’ll wait to hear from you, but if I don’t by the 1st of May I am going to leave school and find a full time job to support myself. This half-life isn’t working.
I can’t do this anymore.
Love,
Giovanna.
I hit send and shut my computer. It was a day for, as Molly had put it, truth and honesty. My headache wasn’t better.
Chapter 10
It turned out I really didn’t need my heart. That was good because I got through the rest of the week of school—two days—without feeling it at all. I existed in a bubble of pain that had become comfortable in its severity. As long as I didn’t poke at it I seemed to be okay.
I half expected to find one of my guys standing in front of me all the time. If I rounded a corner, came out of the library, bought a coffee I couldn’t afford… I thought I would run into them. But I never did.
Greek Row had gone quiet. The few times I let myself turn in that direction in the evening I could see there were hardly any lights on in the houses. Eventually, the whispers from the sorority girls still on campus reached me. Most of the houses had emptied to go wherever it was they went to make the pledges brothers.
Even the sororities didn’t know where the various fraternities went. Molly hung around the room all the time. With R.J. gone, she seemed at odds. I wasn’t sure when she’d picked up the habit of chewing her gum so loudly but it grated on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard. Or the sound of ripping paper.
Or maybe I was just a big bitch.
I hated that word except when it applied to me.
Then there was the problem with the dress in the closet. I’d opened it hours after Connie left and still found myself walking past just to stare at it. I’d half expected it to be the black dress that didn’t fit me. The one I put my character in when I’d still had the ability to write. It turned out being numb meant the words left my fingertips, too.
The guys had taken m
y muse with them. Maybe they’d given it to their formal dates. I groaned. Better to just stay in the bubble. The bubble was safe.
But it hadn’t been the black dress. No, it was a long gold one in my size. I’d worn gold once before. In New York City. Maven had picked it out for me. It was hidden in the back of my dorm room closet along with all my hopes and dreams about the guys.
There I went again, being dramatic. This was the problem with opening myself up. Now that I’d done it I couldn’t seem to stop. But here was another gold dress. I stared at it. This one glittered as I touched it, something I’d only allowed myself to do twice.
Why had Connie wanted me to have this? I’d called the store once from Molly’s phone, but no one had answered. Without me there, and I was officially off until after the break, maybe they didn’t have time to take calls. I’d seen that happen.
She’d written me a note. Had to give this to you now. You’ll understand soon. All will be well. Believe in love. –Connie
Why?
Molly got up from her chair and walked to stand next to me. “Not the dress I’d have picked out for you.” She shrugged. “I hate that store you work in.”
Her words surprised me. “When have you ever been in?”
“A year ago, actually. I needed a dress for R.J.’s formal. I hated it in there. The owner, not the one who came here, said I brought bad energy into the store. I left.”
I blinked. “Really?”
I’d never seen Kay be rude to anyone. She usually chased them around, knowing exactly what it was that she should sell them for whatever she deemed they needed. Why would she have done that?
Molly shrugged. “I just went to the mall. Got that red dress I wore.”
I remembered it. I hadn’t thought it fit all that well, but really, what did I know about clothes? I hadn’t seen her for five days afterward. That happened sometimes. We just got on opposite schedules.
I’d never heard how the dance went. My chest tightened. She dated a guy in a fraternity and got to go to his formal. Not that I even wanted to go to a dance. All I wanted to do was… I didn’t know. I wanted things to be the way I wanted them.
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